In response to the rape conviction thread - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Grasshopper Green · 01-11-2006, 04:13 PM

Do you tell your child later in life that he/she was sexually assaulted before he was old enough to remember? Or is this something that you keep from your child to protect them? I don't think I would want to tell my child for fear of possible mental ramifications; I would feel guilty about keeping it from them, though.

tecoyah · 01-11-2006, 04:27 PM

What would be the point....definately not

maleficent · 01-11-2006, 04:30 PM

I dont know what I would do -- but is anyone really certain that the child would not have some recollection of something happening-- they might not know what - but they knew somethig bad happened... Some people block out bad events... but what if others remember them...

if this child later had some sort of reproductive problems how could it be explained?

flat5 · 01-11-2006, 04:53 PM

I never told my parents. I was 4.

Tachion · 01-11-2006, 05:21 PM

If you think the child is having problems, you tell a professional - not the child.

The professional has no hidden pain or anger to deal with and will do what is best for the child.

Your telling the child may be about serving your own needs. It can be hard to see sometimes. Perhaps anger at a person and wanting to damage the childs relationship with them etc.
It can be very frustrating to see someone getting away with such a terrible thing, but in the end it is the childs welfare which has the highest priority.

It is more than likely you are emotional involved with this-
Let a professional deal with it from day one, if a problem shows up .

The worst case senario is that the child remembers nothing and has no problems due to it, you tell them - now what you tell them becomes their memory and they will have problems. In essence you will have given them the problems of being sexual abused by giving them a memory - not the original person. Then the child may end up later on thinking you lied to hurt the real offender- if no one else verifies it. You could end up looking like the bad guy. A real mess!!
Now that is guilt, anger and a whole mess of trouble.

ziadel · 01-11-2006, 06:05 PM

after I buried the dude that did it, I'd never bring it up again.

albania · 01-11-2006, 06:36 PM

I wouldn't tell them, unless there were problems that had arisen from the event such as emotional disturbance in the child that may have been caused by the experience or the burden of repressed memories, generally if something related to the event was causing the child to not function in a normal manor I would tell them. However, not before first taking them to a therapist and after at least a few months of therapy then tell them and after probably more therapy.
If they don’t know and aren’t affected then there is no reason to unduly put this event upon them, it won’t help them in any manor, other than knowing something bad happened, it might even cause them more pain.

Toaster126 · 01-11-2006, 07:45 PM

If the kid is too young to remember, and there is no reason to tell them other than because it happened to them (like they weren't damaged in some way), then I wouldn't tell them. And I wouldn't feel guilty at all about keeping it from them.

ChistledStone · 01-11-2006, 07:55 PM

Difficult question - it really comes down to the issue whether telling them would have any benefit, and/or whether not telling them would cause detriment.

I honestly can't say.

Slippery Slope · 01-12-2006, 03:53 AM

If my child had no recollection of what happened,
then there's no way I'd tell them. And I certainly
wouldn't feel any guilt about protecting my child's
mental well-being.

ShaniFaye · 01-12-2006, 04:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

I dont know what I would do -- but is anyone really certain that the child would not have some recollection of something happening-- they might not know what - but they knew somethig bad happened... Some people block out bad events... but what if others remember them...

if this child later had some sort of reproductive problems how could it be explained?

the child in this case was 12 weeks old....I seriously doubt they'd have any recollection of it happening

I honestly dont know what I'd do....

healer · 01-12-2006, 04:07 AM

I voted yes, but I think it was in haste. If something had happened to me at a young age and I found out later in life that my parents knew but hadn't told me, I'd probably be pissed as all hell. Something in my mind says the kid has a right to know. But then again, if it only ends up hurting them emotionally then I'd rather keep it from them. I mean isn't the first rule of parenthood Protect Thy Child?

Maybe I shoulda clicked on undecided.

CSflim · 01-12-2006, 05:24 AM

I voted undecided.

It is a tough one. One part of me says; "No, what possible good could come from it", but another says "this person has a right to know".

Also bear in mind that some of the older people that this person grows up with will probably know what happened, but will also have to keep it a secret. For me, this somehow makes not telling much worse.

I guess I would lean towards telling.

Poppinjay · 01-12-2006, 05:31 AM

One thing that's still not clear is the medical status of the 12 month old. When my wife worked for a non-prof custodial care/counseling org, she encountered a 12 year old who had been molested as a baby, and had a permanently damaged cervix from the encounter. That kind of thing you have to explain later in life. Nobody did with this girl, which was why she ended up in care with a whale of a lot of problems.

Pip · 01-12-2006, 12:22 PM

If I had to explain to the child why mommy is in prison for flaying the bastard who did it alive with a rusty potato peeler. Otherwise, no, nay, never. I've gone crazy the few times my parents have told me "amusing" details from my early childhood. (Apparently, I was dropped on my head as an infant.) I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to find out something like that.

snowy · 01-12-2006, 01:05 PM

If there was no lasting physical damage, no, definitely not.

JustJess · 01-12-2006, 01:28 PM

If it were like this case, at 12 weeks old, no, I wouldn't. Why burden them?

At something like 2 years or older... yeah. They'd have memories whether or not I wanted them to. When it reared its ugly head, I'd have to.

Strange Famous · 01-12-2006, 01:31 PM

no, I wouldnt tell them, it could only damage them as far as I can tell

ShaniFaye · 01-12-2006, 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poppinjay

One thing that's still not clear is the medical status of the 12 month old. When my wife worked for a non-prof custodial care/counseling org, she encountered a 12 year old who had been molested as a baby, and had a permanently damaged cervix from the encounter. That kind of thing you have to explain later in life. Nobody did with this girl, which was why she ended up in care with a whale of a lot of problems.

its 12 weeks, not 12 months

vermin · 01-13-2006, 06:35 PM

In the case of the 12 week old, I'd probably wait until their mid twenties or thirties to tell them. Definitely not while they're still minors.

mandy · 02-14-2006, 02:44 AM

on this one soapie here in S.A. there was a situation like that where this one lady was molested by her father and became pregnant. she gave the baby up for adoption.and obviously, finding out that she was adopted, tried to find her birth mother and she did. later she found out that she was a product of this molestation (an inbreed) and that was the part of why she committed suicide in the end...she led a perfectly normal life until she decided to look for her birth mother who tried to hide it from her but it all unravelled and now she's 6 feet under.

need i say more...

Astrocloud · 02-14-2006, 04:45 AM

It depends on the kid.

meembo · 02-14-2006, 06:50 AM

I think that when they were old enough to make their own medical decisions -- like 18 or so --they deserve to know what's happened to them, to their bodies. But there would be no rush to force that info on them at all. At some point they deserve to know, but not as vulnerable minors.

Jinn · 02-14-2006, 09:51 AM

I'd definitely tell them. My parents drilled the idea into me that lying by omission is just as bad as any other kind of lie. The kid needs to know, and I know I'd be pissed enough to never speak to my parents again if they'd not told me about something like that. If they told me, I don't think it would even matter. But not telling me? Oh fuck no..

I'm not sure I can see how telling them would be harmful at all. It's in the past and now they're more informed. Where's the harm? The harm comes in NOT telling them and letting them find problems like the cervix problem above. And THEN finding out that you lied for their entire life.

pan6467 · 02-14-2006, 10:01 AM

I had to go with undecided.

Mainly because it's a catch 22.

If you tell the child you may bring out memories and issues that would not have ever come up.

But if you don't tell, and they find out or issues come up then they resent you for not telling them.

docbungle · 02-14-2006, 10:03 AM

I have no idea. That's a tough one to call. Depends a lot on the child and what type of person they've grown into. Are they emotionally tough enough to handle it? I don't think this is a yes or no issue, but a grey area issue.

StiNg · 02-14-2006, 10:08 AM

no I wouldn't tell them

$$J$G$$ · 02-22-2006, 01:30 AM

Tough, though id have to say if they cant remember they dont know. Thats serious info to be telling anyone that has no clue. Guilt is a normal feeling to have when you love the person. To be safe i wouldn't tell.

View Poll Results: Do you tell your child about trauma inflicted on them before they can remember?
Yes, he/she deserves to know.	7	14.29%
No, it would only cause problems.	21	42.86%
Undecided	21	42.86%
Voters: 49. You may not vote on this poll

01-11-2006, 04:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
Grasshopper Green ...is a comical chap Location: Where morons reign supreme	In response to the rape conviction thread Do you tell your child later in life that he/she was sexually assaulted before he was old enough to remember? Or is this something that you keep from your child to protect them? I don't think I would want to tell my child for fear of possible mental ramifications; I would feel guilty about keeping it from them, though. __________________ "They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king" Formerly Medusa

01-11-2006, 04:27 PM	#2 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	What would be the point....definately not __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

01-11-2006, 04:30 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I dont know what I would do -- but is anyone really certain that the child would not have some recollection of something happening-- they might not know what - but they knew somethig bad happened... Some people block out bad events... but what if others remember them... if this child later had some sort of reproductive problems how could it be explained? __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

01-11-2006, 06:05 PM	#6 (permalink)
ziadel Myrmidon Location: In the twilight and mist.	after I buried the dude that did it, I'd never bring it up again. __________________ Ron Paul '08 Vote for Freedom Go ahead and google Dr. Ron Paul. You'll like what you read.

01-11-2006, 04:53 PM	#4 (permalink)
flat5 Very Insignificant Pawn Location: Amsterdam, NL	I never told my parents. I was 4.

01-11-2006, 05:21 PM	#5 (permalink)
Tachion Crazy	If you think the child is having problems, you tell a professional - not the child. The professional has no hidden pain or anger to deal with and will do what is best for the child. Your telling the child may be about serving your own needs. It can be hard to see sometimes. Perhaps anger at a person and wanting to damage the childs relationship with them etc. It can be very frustrating to see someone getting away with such a terrible thing, but in the end it is the childs welfare which has the highest priority. It is more than likely you are emotional involved with this- Let a professional deal with it from day one, if a problem shows up . The worst case senario is that the child remembers nothing and has no problems due to it, you tell them - now what you tell them becomes their memory and they will have problems. In essence you will have given them the problems of being sexual abused by giving them a memory - not the original person. Then the child may end up later on thinking you lied to hurt the real offender- if no one else verifies it. You could end up looking like the bad guy. A real mess!! Now that is guilt, anger and a whole mess of trouble.

01-11-2006, 06:36 PM	#7 (permalink)
albania Psycho	I wouldn't tell them, unless there were problems that had arisen from the event such as emotional disturbance in the child that may have been caused by the experience or the burden of repressed memories, generally if something related to the event was causing the child to not function in a normal manor I would tell them. However, not before first taking them to a therapist and after at least a few months of therapy then tell them and after probably more therapy. If they don’t know and aren’t affected then there is no reason to unduly put this event upon them, it won’t help them in any manor, other than knowing something bad happened, it might even cause them more pain.

01-11-2006, 07:45 PM	#8 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	If the kid is too young to remember, and there is no reason to tell them other than because it happened to them (like they weren't damaged in some way), then I wouldn't tell them. And I wouldn't feel guilty at all about keeping it from them. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

01-11-2006, 07:55 PM	#9 (permalink)
ChistledStone Crazy Location: Australia	Difficult question - it really comes down to the issue whether telling them would have any benefit, and/or whether not telling them would cause detriment. I honestly can't say. __________________ A.minor.fall.then.a.major.lift

01-12-2006, 03:53 AM	#10 (permalink)
Slippery Slope Crazy	If my child had no recollection of what happened, then there's no way I'd tell them. And I certainly wouldn't feel any guilt about protecting my child's mental well-being.

01-12-2006, 05:24 AM	#13 (permalink)
CSflim Sky Piercer Location: Ireland	I voted undecided. It is a tough one. One part of me says; "No, what possible good could come from it", but another says "this person has a right to know". Also bear in mind that some of the older people that this person grows up with will probably know what happened, but will also have to keep it a secret. For me, this somehow makes not telling much worse. I guess I would lean towards telling. __________________

01-12-2006, 05:31 AM	#14 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	One thing that's still not clear is the medical status of the 12 month old. When my wife worked for a non-prof custodial care/counseling org, she encountered a 12 year old who had been molested as a baby, and had a permanently damaged cervix from the encounter. That kind of thing you have to explain later in life. Nobody did with this girl, which was why she ended up in care with a whale of a lot of problems. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

01-12-2006, 12:22 PM	#15 (permalink)
Pip Likes Hats Location: Stockholm, Sweden	If I had to explain to the child why mommy is in prison for flaying the bastard who did it alive with a rusty potato peeler. Otherwise, no, nay, never. I've gone crazy the few times my parents have told me "amusing" details from my early childhood. (Apparently, I was dropped on my head as an infant.) I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to find out something like that.

01-12-2006, 01:05 PM	#16 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	If there was no lasting physical damage, no, definitely not. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

02-14-2006, 04:45 AM	#22 (permalink)
Astrocloud Apocalypse Nerd	It depends on the kid.

02-14-2006, 10:08 AM	#27 (permalink)
StiNg Upright	no I wouldn't tell them

01-12-2006, 01:28 PM	#17 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	If it were like this case, at 12 weeks old, no, I wouldn't. Why burden them? At something like 2 years or older... yeah. They'd have memories whether or not I wanted them to. When it reared its ugly head, I'd have to. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

01-12-2006, 01:31 PM	#18 (permalink)
Strange Famous follower of the child's crusade?	no, I wouldnt tell them, it could only damage them as far as I can tell __________________ "Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered." The Gospel of Thomas

01-13-2006, 06:35 PM	#20 (permalink)
vermin Indifferent to anti-matter Location: Tucson, AZ	In the case of the 12 week old, I'd probably wait until their mid twenties or thirties to tell them. Definitely not while they're still minors. __________________ If puns were sausages, this would be the wurst.

02-14-2006, 02:44 AM	#21 (permalink)
mandy Addict Location: Port Elizabeth, South Africa	on this one soapie here in S.A. there was a situation like that where this one lady was molested by her father and became pregnant. she gave the baby up for adoption.and obviously, finding out that she was adopted, tried to find her birth mother and she did. later she found out that she was a product of this molestation (an inbreed) and that was the part of why she committed suicide in the end...she led a perfectly normal life until she decided to look for her birth mother who tried to hide it from her but it all unravelled and now she's 6 feet under. need i say more...

02-14-2006, 06:50 AM	#23 (permalink)
meembo Junkie Location: Connecticut	I think that when they were old enough to make their own medical decisions -- like 18 or so --they deserve to know what's happened to them, to their bodies. But there would be no rush to force that info on them at all. At some point they deserve to know, but not as vulnerable minors. __________________ less I say, smarter I am

02-14-2006, 09:51 AM	#24 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	I'd definitely tell them. My parents drilled the idea into me that lying by omission is just as bad as any other kind of lie. The kid needs to know, and I know I'd be pissed enough to never speak to my parents again if they'd not told me about something like that. If they told me, I don't think it would even matter. But not telling me? Oh fuck no.. I'm not sure I can see how telling them would be harmful at all. It's in the past and now they're more informed. Where's the harm? The harm comes in NOT telling them and letting them find problems like the cervix problem above. And THEN finding out that you lied for their entire life. __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

02-14-2006, 10:01 AM	#25 (permalink)
pan6467 Lennonite Priest Location: Mansfield, Ohio USA	I had to go with undecided. Mainly because it's a catch 22. If you tell the child you may bring out memories and issues that would not have ever come up. But if you don't tell, and they find out or issues come up then they resent you for not telling them. __________________ I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

02-14-2006, 10:03 AM	#26 (permalink)
docbungle It's all downhill from here Location: Denver	I have no idea. That's a tough one to call. Depends a lot on the child and what type of person they've grown into. Are they emotionally tough enough to handle it? I don't think this is a yes or no issue, but a grey area issue. __________________ Bad Luck City

02-22-2006, 01:30 AM	#28 (permalink)
$$J$G$$ Upright Location: Machesney Park, IL	Tough, though id have to say if they cant remember they dont know. Thats serious info to be telling anyone that has no clue. Guilt is a normal feeling to have when you love the person. To be safe i wouldn't tell.