Crack

so yeah...

after a couple splits up, who keeps the engagement ring? I don't mean to sound greedy, or crude, but that freaking thing was expensive. (like 3200 dollars) I am just curious if I should ask for it back, I mean, why whould she want it right? Why would I want it either for that matter, except for the fact that I paid for the freaking thing... I can't really use it again if I decide to get married at some point later on to someone else, because that's just tacky... maybe i'll hock it for beer money if I am supposed to get it back... lots of beer money...
Help a brother out.

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

f6twister

Everything I've read and a number of etiquette resources state that the woman gets to keep the ring. The basis is that the ring is a gift from you to her and that it is wrong to ask for a gift back, no matter what the price was. That being said, I personally understand your point and don't see a problem with trying to get it back but I would keep it low key, especially if you want to remain social with her.

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A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

maleficent

I gave mine back - because -- well I didn't think it was right to keep it (and I broke the engagements well one of them anyhow) - -however...mine were given as a 'gift' so I'm not sure it technically or even legally has to be given back...

Etiquette isn't on your side on this one.... Nor do I believe is the law..

Talk to her and ask her at the very least to sell it and split the profits with you...

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Cynthetiq

Divorce or breaking up????

there's a whole load of difference...

if it's a divorce then it's part of the property, if it's breaking up it depends on who broke off the engagement.

If it's the woman, it's to be returned as it's considered in most states breach of contract.

If it's the man, then he's SOL.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

pan6467

Before I gave Amelia (my ex) her engagement ring, we made a pact that who ever calls off the wedding or files for divorce the other kept the ring.

She left me and filed for the dissolution. There was a bit of a fight over it but she did honor the agreement and I got the ring back and I still have it, I have pangs of guilt for taking it back every now and then, but my feeling is if she had truly loved me she wouldn't have left the way she did. (Course she's a lesbian now and lives with her lover in Ithaca NY teaching Montessori school.)

As for hocking it or selling it, I got mine at Jared's and when I did try to hock/sell it I found out real fast I would get half cents on the dollar. So that $1,000 ring is worth about $150 (not pawn shop rate a resellers rate, and even then he wouldn't buy it because it was too small, even though it was IGI cert and appraised on there for $1500).

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

Ace_O_Spades

and what if it's mutual?

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Feh.

maleficent

Not always true if the ring was given for christmas or valentines day or birthday -- (ie a gift giving holiday)

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Crack

well, it was a divorce, and yeah, she was the one to ask for it, (i.e. she broke up with me.) it's not that I want the ring for sentimental reasons or something, but for the last 6 months of the relationship she didn't even wear it anyways.

hmmm, maybe i'll just ask her for it, and see what she says, in all likelyhoods, she will probably just throw it at me and walk away...

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

*Nikki*

My ex broke it off with me (our engagement) I kept the damn ring.

It was a gift....would you give back all the gifts that your ex gave you? No...so why give back the ring?

I still have it and one day when I am REALLY hard up for money I will probably pawn it. It is worth nothing to me, it's scrap metal.

Toaster126

Yet another reason not to give someone a diamond.

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meembo

I wanted mine back (after my divorce). I would be very greatly bothered if she wore it again, beause of what it represented. I'm selling it, hoping it has better luck elsewhere!

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less I say, smarter I am

kylie

i think who ever broke it off should let the other keep it
sound fair right cos you the one that give up on it and dont want to have anything to do with the realtionship. if a guy buy the ring that's mean it is his stuff i wouldnt keep it if that's me. and i would ask it back if i am the guy and woman break it off . cos she doesnt have right to keep it

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Cynthetiq

I'm still lost... so you were married?

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

pan6467

Yeah, I found out fast that the diamond game is just that. I wanted to buy her a new ring and not some used one from a divorce or family loved one who died at some pawn broker or estate buyer/seller. My mistake.

IF I ever get engaged again, I will buy a used one or just keep the one I have and use it again and never tell the woman.....lol

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

feelgood

Ok, I suggest to you to give her purely gold or silver ring, no diamonds. Once you guys get married, go diamond crazy and it'll be less valuable

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genuinegirly

If she doesn't give it back, rip it off her finger.

This is why no one should pay that much money for a ring. Ever.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Lead543

Usually if there's kids involved the ex-wife keeps it and gives it to her daughter. Most women I know have had it melted into a pendant or earrings for their daughters.

Asking for it back is like her asking for the toolset she gave you back, it's a gift, it's "hers", keep that in mind.

P.s. If you do get it back don't "recycle" it on the next love interest... I've seen guys do it before.. not cool.

AngelicVampire

No its part of a contract, you give her the ring as part of the contract to marry you (unless given on certain holidays as Mal said then its normally counted as a gift). When the Marraige goes through she gets the ring as payment on the contract, and you give her a wedding ring as part of the contract to stay with you (well dunno about the last bit but you could argue apples and oranges).

ScottKuma

If it's pre-wedding, the wife gives up the ring IF she's the one doing the breaking up or cheating. If the husband cheats/divorces, she gets the ring.

Post-wedding, the one with the better lawyer gets the ring! Duh!!!

(If the ring isn't important to you, be sure to negotiate for $3,200 in other property to offset the ring's cost.)

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bobw

Depends on who ends the engagement.

If he does, she keeps the ring.
If she does, the ring should be returned to him.

If it is a completely mutual decision, I think the ring should be returned to him.

ShaniFaye

but the question is not who ends an engagement, they got married. In a divorce, I think it should be considered an asset to be divided just like anything else, but only IF there are no children.

When my ex and I divorced my engagement ring was put away so that my daughter could have it when she is older

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Yakk

The rules for marriage property vary by juristiction.

Here the house gets split 50-50 and all assets gained (including capital gains on assets held before) are split 50-50.

The question would then become "where you common law married when you gave her the ring?"

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

pan6467

I guess that's where we were lucky, we didn't fight over anything. We both left with pretty much what we came in with.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

Scorps

When me and my GF split I told her to keep it, but it wasn't a bad brake up the type where maybe we might get back together in like 5 years or so.


But if t was her walking out mad as hell I would want it back,

Crack

lol, guys... I just asked for it back, and she said "sure" and it was just sitting in a box in her room anyways... sorry for all this!

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

maleficent

you should know by now that we'll argue over -- i mean discuss - anything...

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jwoody

I think you should give it back to her.





...then retrieve it again in a more creative manner.

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little_tippler

well that's good, at least it wasn't so hard.

But, I was going to say...

Etiquette should stop you from asking it back, but I think she should give it back out of decency.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Crack

yes, but... there but by the grace of god goes my beer money!

__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

kutulu

Do NOT recycle it to the next girl. She WILL find out and there will be hell to pay.

la petite moi

Damn, if I were your ex, I would give it back. However, if I were you, I would immediately ask for it back. I know everyone is saying its decent and nice and all not to ask for it back, but if you spent 3200 on a woman that you're not longer married to (the symbol of the ring is "foreverness" mind you)...ask for it back. And go have a beer.

Edit: Oh, just read at the end that you got it back. Nice!

flamingdog

I think it's shame that this, like everything else, all boils down to money in the end.

william

Ettiquette requires that she return it to you - doesn't matter who broke from who. The mariage is no longer, and neither is the ring.

Scorps

I Always like a happy ending

rlynnm

The ring was given based on an engagement, with of course, the presumption that a marriage would occur.

If you both split, wouldn't that eliminate the reason for the gift inthe first place, therefore placing the gift in some sort of default. Plus, post break up, keeping the ring only sets off reminders of what could have been. Why the need to cary that kind of baggage?

I was engaged once, and after the split, I gave it back. The ring had lost it's meaning to me.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

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rlynnm

I don't think it becomes monetarily or quantity based, rather the issue is that the ring, which was almost an unstated contract had already been broken--a breach of contract, term loosely used of course. Hence everything that came with the contract, including the ring, must be reset.

You wouldn't buy something at a store, decide you don't want it, return it to get your money back, and still get to keep the merchandise, right?

Now unless the guy doesn't want the ring back, well it's only fair to offer to return it.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

aps

I like the idea of asking her for you two to sell it and split the proceeds. If she is a classy woman, she will say, "No, you sell it and keep the proceeds" particularly if she was the one who initiated the divorce. Yes, legally, she is not required to give it back to you, but a good person would give the ring back (unless you cheated on her and that was why you two divorced).

Anyway, I would approach her nicely because you will get a more positive response from her by being nice than by demanding her to split the proceeds.

Let us know what happens. Her true character will come out in a situation like this.

rlynnm

While ideally It'd be fair to give the guy the ring back, splitting the proceeds sounds appeasing to both sides. This would be an option too, that is, if the two people can civil about how to sell the item.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

Himbo

Like some people are saying "well it's a gift so she get's to keep it" are wrong. An engagement ring is not a gift it is a symbol of a contract. If the woman breaks said contract the ring is returned. By the way OP if she gives it back get it appraised the same day to make sure she didn't swap the diamond out.

Secondly guys . .this is the age of equality. Women want to be equal so let's make sure we hold them to that. I made it very clear when I got engaged that I also wanted some sort of 'engagement gift' so my fiancee went and paid for a $1500 customized poker chip set. I also got something out of the engagement which to me should be standard these days.

Feminism has given women the equality the wanted. They can't have their cake and eat it to.