Study Abroad: Why am I miserable? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

sailor · 11-09-2005, 03:06 AM

So here’s the story…

I’m studying abroad in Germany for this year. I got here September 1st, and am planning on staying until the middle of next August. The reasons for my wanting to come, and deciding to stay for a year, are severalfold. First, travel. I’ve always wanted to spend some serious time in Europe. I’m a big fan of history, and there’s tons of that around. And, I mean, it's Europe. For the longest time, I'd been dying to travel through Europe. I got a quick taste of it last Spring, when I spent 10 days traveling, going to London, Rome, and Florence. Second, the language. I've always wanted to learn another language, and my German has improved rapidly since being here.

But now I'm here, and not enjoying it as much as I thought I would be. Living in Europe and traveling here are two totally different things I've discovered, and the rose-colored glasses have totally come off. That's not to say I'm not enjoying myself—quite the contrary. It's great being in a different culture, learning a new language, and being able to go to a different cool European city every weekend. The big problems for me right now are that I'm missing things from home, which is somewhat expected, though I never expected it to be this bad. I'm not the type who normally gets too homesick, but it's hit me hard here. I'd finally found my place in a great group of friends back in the States, and now I've left them, and gone somewhere 3000 miles away from everyone I know and love. Add to this that I am naturally introverted and generally don't quickly meet people, and I've been pretty lonely for the last couple of months. I've met a good number of people through class and such, but so far, none of them seem like people I'd enjoy getting to be anything more than acquaintances with—stereotypical dumb bimbo girls, a couple of guys that are so crude it makes you cringe to be around them, some guys that want to do nothing more than get blackout drunk at every opportunity, etc. So I'm definitely missing the group of friends I had back home.

And now the latest thing is that travel seems to have lost a good bit of its luster. I find myself going places and thinking “Meh, another european city.” I think part of this might just be me feeling generally down, but for example, I was in Paris a few weeks ago, somewhere I would have thought I'd have loved, and I was generally just ambivalent to the whole situation.

So I don't know what I should do. If it continues to go downhill, I could head back home after this semester, though I really don't want to do this. It would be nice to go back to my friends and family, but I had been planning this trip for years to come here and learn German and see some of Europe. I feel like I'd be missing out, especially on the learning the language (as language classes don't seem to do anything for me, I need the real thing). I think that the first thing I need to do is get out of my room and do something—I feel like I spend way too much time cooped up in here. But I don't have much else to do; there isn't anyone else around I really want to hang out with, and I've seen most of this town and don't feel like hanging out on my own in it much more.

As an addendum, I have a girlfriend back in the States. We've been having some rough times with the distance, and last week had a really bad time with it. I think this may be playing a pretty big role in my feelings. I love her though, and don't think I'm willing to drop her for the distance.

Any thoughts are appreciated. I'd really like to stick this through, but if I just continue to be miserable, I may just have to cut my losses. Encouragement, ideas, whatever, are all greatly appreciated. I'm studying abroad, travelling, seeing the world, and learning a new language--I should be having the time of my life, but I'm not.

Kubz18 · 11-09-2005, 03:38 AM

one thing you have to realize that this is a great oppertunity that not very many people get the chance to do, ya it seems like a long time but having a good outlook on things would be a good start,

i know it must suck being away from friends, family and a special lady friend but if you really love her and she loves you then you both will get that one year apart and long and how bad as that seems will end up not being such a terrible thing when you look at the grand sceme of things. i can kinda relate i also have a long distance relationship with my girl while i am on an internship, i know its not 3000 miles away but i still deal with the same problems as you, she knows that for me this is a great oppertunity and since i believe shes the one for me she knows that 9 months away from her will almost be nothing compared to the years with her to come....

if you can i would see if its possible to go home for a week or 2 that would probably help some but like i said it might not be possible, or if possible try to get a friend or your girl to come visit you, i know its spendy and hard but it is an option,

most of all i would try to enjoy the time you have and sure if it comes down to it, go home, theres no reason to lose it all for this,

quick summary
-keep an open mind to everything
-see if theres any other options to seeing friends back home
-keep you spirits high
-try to think about the long term rather than right now
-finally, if everything else fails make a rational decision on what you belive is right to do

best of luck to you and your relationship

aberkok · 11-09-2005, 06:02 AM

You need some friends.

Sounds like me about a month ago. I was in Hong Kong playing a gig in a hotel. I couldn't really get along that well with my bandmates, and the loneliness ruined any excitement I would've got from exploration. The only thing that really helped was when I finally made some new friends there, but it was too little, too late.

My advice is to pull yourself out of your funk and go make some friends now! It's hard, trust me I know, but it's the only thing that can really fill the emptiness. Relationships with others will cure your isolation. Sure, you'll miss your friends overseas (and it is worse than you expect when you first go...trust me I was pretty much depressed for several weeks), but at least you'll have some substitutes.

The benefits of a friendship will take some time to nurture, so go, get involved in a club of some sort, go to the pub. It's hard to introduce yourself to new people, but the odds are that there's a lot of people who want to meet you too!

Jackebear · 11-09-2005, 06:23 AM

Well, I know what you're feeling. First of all, call your buddies, family, and girlfriend ALL the time. You got a computer obviously so get Skype for PC calls and SkypeOut for calls to regular phones. I personally use DialPad (3.9 cents/min. to Canada).

I chat regularly with my mates, get the local gossip, talk about the change in the bar scene, who their dating, movies, sports, politics etc.

Get them to send you care packages by ship (cheaper than air). I have buddies that send me books they just finished, VHS tapes of CSI (love that show) and other goodies. If you have good friends back home, they will do this no questions asked.

Finding friends is bloody hard, you're right. Where I am, the same thing...guys I would never hang out with at a bar back home. Seems like I'm the only cool, sensible, logical, intelligent guy here. Sounds familiar doesn't it.

So, I joined the local gym and chat it up with some of the locals. They're not friends per say but good acquaintances. And they assist me when I need a hand in local problems...paperwork, directions etc.

Make a plan to go home for at least 2 weeks during Christmas/New Years...even if you have to miss a couple days of classes. If you are feeling blue now...holy moly, it will be unbelieveably depressing during the holidays. I didn't go home my first year at Christmas...I will NEVER do that again.

Finally, as the Oracle said in The Matrix..."know thy self". People can all say to you, tough it out, make friends, a great experience...blah, blah, blah. Well, a semister away is a pretty good experience in itself and if you feel you need to go home...then do it. You know in your gut what's best for you.

Take care.

roachboy · 11-09-2005, 06:24 AM

sailor: sorry that you are having a rough time of it---first, where in germany are you? i did a few years in paris--there seemed to me to be almost a rhythm of depression/homesickenss--once after the novelty of being ther at all wore off, another at about 3 months (which lined up with the onset of winter, which in paris is a long grey period--not seing the sun for it would seem like weeks at a time was a definite factor in that)....the second phase seemed longer and much more of a grind than the first, but it dissipated....if my experience is any guide, you should find it easier with some time....

the relationship is obviously a factor in all this--i am not sure what to say beyond wishing you the best with it. i found myself burning up calling cards talking with folk in the states during the worst phase of this process..(btw use calling cards at public phones--dont be tricked by the convenience of your residental phone because the bill will arrive after a couple months and be a Real Blow)

as for meeting folk: are you there on a fellowship (a daad or fulbright or some such)--if you are, then it usually is the case that the fellowship sponsor will hold some events for awardees that can operate as the basis for meeting others in your position--which forms the base for possible alliances/support/maybe firendships even.
maybe check some of them out.
i found this to be helpful at a couple of points, particularly during the first year, during which i was going through what i guess would be an accelerated and often difficult learning process with french. i dont know where your german is, but if it is like mine was at that point, i found that complex social interactions in french were tough. i used to feel like i had to have a few drinks before i could really speak--the problem was, in the end, massive self-consciousness about my spoken french. this meant that i was often in bars or cafes when i was feeling most outgoing in french--it also meant that mosto f the folk i met initially were pretty much as you woudl expect anywhere, if you are hoping to make freidns from amongst barpeople--high fuckup ratio, etc..

in paris it is pretty easy to find folk who want to exchange french for english conversation--you would meet up and talk for a while first in one language then in the other--that can be a structured way to get to know someone.
but this kind of thing might be easier to find in a bigger city than in a small one or town.

as for meeting folk from the place you are in--i dont know what kind of place you find yourself in--my experience was that it kinda took a while, but i dont knwo why it was the case exactly--eventually, i stumbled onto folk who in turn introduced me to their network of people and it went from there--ut the meeting seemed kinda like a chance thing, so i dont really have any advice on how to go about it beyond trying to remain available and patient.

i seem to remember that you enjuoy cycling: are you doing it there? if not, you should...it'll help your head. the might also be cycling clubs that you could at least check out, and these too might be a good way to meet folk who have an interest or more in common with you.

the reason i ask where you are is that i have alot of comrades/colleagues who have spent varying amounts of time in germany whom i could ask for resources/suggestions, depending on where you are. also, are you doing an undergrad year or a grad research thing?

good luck...hope this gets easier for you.

la petite moi · 11-09-2005, 11:46 AM

I lived in France (we travelled around, quite a bit...and I stayed with three families) a few years back. I felt similar to how you're feeling- I missed my life back home a lot. Now that I look back on it, I wish I could have done more while I was there. Try new things, and try to find new friends! Just like in the US, there will always be the idiots...but once you start to dig, you'll find the neat people who are just your type.

Try to think about how this will shape your future, and what a unique chance you are able to have. You will come out of this experience a new person- why make your memories negative ones?

superiorrain · 11-09-2005, 01:19 PM

Everyone has said what i would suggest. I live in Berlin 2 years ago for my study abroad year and while i wasn't in exactly the same situation a you, in some ways i had it worse because i didn't live in the student accomodation like all the others. However, i found one person that looked like my sort of person (if that makes any sense) and lucky for me he lived in halls and although it took me a few months to meet the 'right' people, by chatting to one who then introduced you to someone else and so on. I found i met the most incrediable people and dare i even say it life long freinds from all over the world. Truth be known us study abroad kids did stick together so didn't meet too many natives. But wow, once i met all these people i was on top of the world, learning, experiencing and living, really living.

Go out in groups and you'll always find someone you like, who will eventually introduce you to other people just like them.

Hang on in there, it will get better. Make sure you try and meet someone new as often as possible. You are living the dream, believe it and you'll enjoy it. In two years time you'll just want to be right back there and not sitting at the boring desk that has you shackled like a slave (the real world has turned me bitter) so enjoy fantasy land as much as you can it's one of the only times you are truelly free, free to be whoever and whatever you want to be without judgement and without responsiblities.

sailor · 11-10-2005, 03:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aberkok

You need some friends.

Sounds like me about a month ago. I was in Hong Kong playing a gig in a hotel. I couldn't really get along that well with my bandmates, and the loneliness ruined any excitement I would've got from exploration. The only thing that really helped was when I finally made some new friends there, but it was too little, too late.

My advice is to pull yourself out of your funk and go make some friends now! It's hard, trust me I know, but it's the only thing that can really fill the emptiness. Relationships with others will cure your isolation. Sure, you'll miss your friends overseas (and it is worse than you expect when you first go...trust me I was pretty much depressed for several weeks), but at least you'll have some substitutes.

The benefits of a friendship will take some time to nurture, so go, get involved in a club of some sort, go to the pub. It's hard to introduce yourself to new people, but the odds are that there's a lot of people who want to meet you too!

Yeah, I think a lot of the problem is friends too. They won't replace what I have back home, but they'll help keep me from dwelling on it. I've met one kid that seems pretty cool; hopefully more will come.

sailor · 11-10-2005, 03:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jackebear

Well, I know what you're feeling. First of all, call your buddies, family, and girlfriend ALL the time. You got a computer obviously so get Skype for PC calls and SkypeOut for calls to regular phones. I personally use DialPad (3.9 cents/min. to Canada).

I chat regularly with my mates, get the local gossip, talk about the change in the bar scene, who their dating, movies, sports, politics etc.

Way ahead of you here. To the point that I think it might be a bad thing. With my girlfriend, instead of us both having the time for the wound to heal and us to accept that we're apart, we talk all the time... Great, except that it feels like she's here, and then when you realize you can talk to her but can't see her or touch her, it's even harder.

Quote:

Finding friends is bloody hard, you're right. Where I am, the same thing...guys I would never hang out with at a bar back home. Seems like I'm the only cool, sensible, logical, intelligent guy here. Sounds familiar doesn't it.

Very. I'm working on it though. I just find it hard to motivate myself to go out with the people I do know because I know that half the time I'm not really going to enjoy myself with them anyways. Which means I don't meet anyone new. It's a vicious cycle.

Quote:

Make a plan to go home for at least 2 weeks during Christmas/New Years...even if you have to miss a couple days of classes. If you are feeling blue now...holy moly, it will be unbelieveably depressing during the holidays. I didn't go home my first year at Christmas...I will NEVER do that again.

Can't. Girlfriend is coming for a week, then the parents are coming here for a week. It'll be nice, but I do kinda wish I was going home for that time.

Thanks for the advice

sailor · 11-10-2005, 03:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roachboy

sailor: sorry that you are having a rough time of it---first, where in germany are you? i did a few years in paris--there seemed to me to be almost a rhythm of depression/homesickenss--once after the novelty of being ther at all wore off, another at about 3 months (which lined up with the onset of winter, which in paris is a long grey period--not seing the sun for it would seem like weeks at a time was a definite factor in that)....the second phase seemed longer and much more of a grind than the first, but it dissipated....if my experience is any guide, you should find it easier with some time....

I'm in Tübingen, a town south of Stuttgart. The homesickness does seem to come in cycles. Got here, it was bad for a few days, then I was fine for a month, then it set in, went away, and now its back, hard. And hey, winter here isn't gonna be nice either--it's Germany

Quote:

as for meeting folk: are you there on a fellowship (a daad or fulbright or some such)--if you are, then it usually is the case that the fellowship sponsor will hold some events for awardees that can operate as the basis for meeting others in your position--which forms the base for possible alliances/support/maybe firendships even.
.....
the problem was, in the end, massive self-consciousness about my spoken french. this meant that i was often in bars or cafes when i was feeling most outgoing in french--it also meant that mosto f the folk i met initially were pretty much as you woudl expect anywhere, if you are hoping to make freidns from amongst barpeople--high fuckup ratio, etc..

I'm not here with any sort of program unfortunately, and there are only two other people from my home university (Chapel Hill), one of whom I never really hang out with. I've noticed that my biggest problem with the language is self-consciousness too, whether or not I feel like it. When I've been drinking, or am just tired or don't care, I can speak pretty well, but if not, it's terrible.

Quote:

in paris it is pretty easy to find folk who want to exchange french for english conversation--you would meet up and talk for a while first in one language then in the other--that can be a structured way to get to know someone.
but this kind of thing might be easier to find in a bigger city than in a small one or town.

I'm in a university town, and there is tons of this around. I actually got a few numbers yesterday in class for this; I'll have to look into it. If nothing else, it would help my German.

Quote:

i seem to remember that you enjuoy cycling: are you doing it there? if not, you should...it'll help your head. the might also be cycling clubs that you could at least check out, and these too might be a good way to meet folk who have an interest or more in common with you.

Unfortunately no. I don't have my bike here (too expensive to ship) and can't afford a new one anyways, and besides, the winter here is going to make it difficult to do much serious riding anyways. I do miss it though

Sorry for the multiple posts, I didn't really see any other way to easily respond to the posts. I'm going to keep trying to meet people; it's just so hard. I hope I make it through the year, but if things keep being this bad, I may just have to head home early

Keep the comments coming...

nukeu666 · 11-10-2005, 03:24 AM

how about going back home for a couple of weeks?
mebbe impractical (lucky me for living 2 hrs from my home)

sailor · 11-10-2005, 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nukeu666

how about going back home for a couple of weeks?
mebbe impractical (lucky me for living 2 hrs from my home)

I'd love to, but I don't have a time when I can. For chrismas break, everyone is coming here, and I can't just skip my classes. The next time I'll be able to go home is in February.

sailor · 11-11-2005, 01:06 PM

Ugh, another bad night. Of the two people here that I hang out with, one is out of town visiting a friend in Heidelberg and the other seems to be avoiding me. I've got nothing to do and no one to do it with, so I sit here on my computer--and I can do that better back in the States.

I just really don't know what to do. At this rate, I'm going to end up throwing in the towel, and I really don't want to do that. I'm tired of spending the days and nights alone, but when I try to do something, get out and see something, anything, it never works.

Ugh.

la petite moi · 11-11-2005, 05:04 PM

Why not go outside with a map and go exploring!!? You are in a completely different country, and you're complaining because you're sitting alone in the house? You are going to get nowhere with that attitude!

superiorrain · 11-11-2005, 05:09 PM

I wish there was some magic way to make it better for you, i really do. Seems like you're in a situtation that has been making little improvement. However, i'm almost sure someone will come up with an idea for you.

I don't know tuebingen, if i did i would help you out more, Munich and Berlin i could tell you exactly where you would meet interesting people.

Good luck and keep us posted. I'm going to brain storm some more ideas because i still think that it is the lucky few who do this experience and that everyone should.

Cynthetiq · 11-11-2005, 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by la petite moi

I lived in France (we travelled around, quite a bit...and I stayed with three families) a few years back. I felt similar to how you're feeling- I missed my life back home a lot. Now that I look back on it, I wish I could have done more while I was there. Try new things, and try to find new friends! Just like in the US, there will always be the idiots...but once you start to dig, you'll find the neat people who are just your type.

Try to think about how this will shape your future, and what a unique chance you are able to have. You will come out of this experience a new person- why make your memories negative ones?

having a stint in Singapore myself I have to agree with this.

I missed out on travelling to a few extra places because I just flat out didn't make myself. I missed out on British Hong Kong, Burma (pre-Myanamar), more Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam.

sailor · 11-12-2005, 06:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by superiorrain

I wish there was some magic way to make it better for you, i really do. Seems like you're in a situtation that has been making little improvement. However, i'm almost sure someone will come up with an idea for you.

I don't know tuebingen, if i did i would help you out more, Munich and Berlin i could tell you exactly where you would meet interesting people.

Good luck and keep us posted. I'm going to brain storm some more ideas because i still think that it is the lucky few who do this experience and that everyone should.

Thanks for the help, I appreciate it.

I'm trying to make myself more proactive about calling people and getting out... It feels good to at least think about going out. I just really need a core group of friends to hang out with, but it takes so long to cultivate that, and so far, it's all been misses.

I'm also making myself travel a bit more. I'm gonna go somewhere tomorrow or Monday, and am planning a few small trips for later in the semester as well. At least if I end up heading home, I'll have seen a few things.

I'm not the only one here having trouble, either... I was talking to a couple other people in the program, and they were having trouble as well. I think part of the problem here is that the program is really small, and not very well supported, so you get here and really feel like you're on your own.

FngKestrel · 11-12-2005, 06:47 AM

Everyone's given a lot of good advice, and it seems like you're making aims to get over this funk. I would have this to say, play up your American-ness if you're having trouble meeting people. I think many people abroad are at least interested in meeting foreigners. At least, that was the impression I got when I went to Europe.

Also, when you're feeling good and not too busy, pull out a map and make plans for daytrips. Then when you're in a funk, go on one of those daytrips you've planned. Call someone you've met or go by yourself. Getting out and about makes a big difference.

Best of luck.

11-09-2005, 03:06 AM	#1 (permalink)
sailor beauty in the breakdown Location: Chapel Hill, NC	Study Abroad: Why am I miserable? So here’s the story… I’m studying abroad in Germany for this year. I got here September 1st, and am planning on staying until the middle of next August. The reasons for my wanting to come, and deciding to stay for a year, are severalfold. First, travel. I’ve always wanted to spend some serious time in Europe. I’m a big fan of history, and there’s tons of that around. And, I mean, it's Europe. For the longest time, I'd been dying to travel through Europe. I got a quick taste of it last Spring, when I spent 10 days traveling, going to London, Rome, and Florence. Second, the language. I've always wanted to learn another language, and my German has improved rapidly since being here. But now I'm here, and not enjoying it as much as I thought I would be. Living in Europe and traveling here are two totally different things I've discovered, and the rose-colored glasses have totally come off. That's not to say I'm not enjoying myself—quite the contrary. It's great being in a different culture, learning a new language, and being able to go to a different cool European city every weekend. The big problems for me right now are that I'm missing things from home, which is somewhat expected, though I never expected it to be this bad. I'm not the type who normally gets too homesick, but it's hit me hard here. I'd finally found my place in a great group of friends back in the States, and now I've left them, and gone somewhere 3000 miles away from everyone I know and love. Add to this that I am naturally introverted and generally don't quickly meet people, and I've been pretty lonely for the last couple of months. I've met a good number of people through class and such, but so far, none of them seem like people I'd enjoy getting to be anything more than acquaintances with—stereotypical dumb bimbo girls, a couple of guys that are so crude it makes you cringe to be around them, some guys that want to do nothing more than get blackout drunk at every opportunity, etc. So I'm definitely missing the group of friends I had back home. And now the latest thing is that travel seems to have lost a good bit of its luster. I find myself going places and thinking “Meh, another european city.” I think part of this might just be me feeling generally down, but for example, I was in Paris a few weeks ago, somewhere I would have thought I'd have loved, and I was generally just ambivalent to the whole situation. So I don't know what I should do. If it continues to go downhill, I could head back home after this semester, though I really don't want to do this. It would be nice to go back to my friends and family, but I had been planning this trip for years to come here and learn German and see some of Europe. I feel like I'd be missing out, especially on the learning the language (as language classes don't seem to do anything for me, I need the real thing). I think that the first thing I need to do is get out of my room and do something—I feel like I spend way too much time cooped up in here. But I don't have much else to do; there isn't anyone else around I really want to hang out with, and I've seen most of this town and don't feel like hanging out on my own in it much more. As an addendum, I have a girlfriend back in the States. We've been having some rough times with the distance, and last week had a really bad time with it. I think this may be playing a pretty big role in my feelings. I love her though, and don't think I'm willing to drop her for the distance. Any thoughts are appreciated. I'd really like to stick this through, but if I just continue to be miserable, I may just have to cut my losses. Encouragement, ideas, whatever, are all greatly appreciated. I'm studying abroad, travelling, seeing the world, and learning a new language--I should be having the time of my life, but I'm not. __________________ "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." --Plato Last edited by sailor; 11-09-2005 at 03:54 AM..

11-09-2005, 03:38 AM	#2 (permalink)
Kubz18 Crazy Location: Austin....Austin, Massachusetts	one thing you have to realize that this is a great oppertunity that not very many people get the chance to do, ya it seems like a long time but having a good outlook on things would be a good start, i know it must suck being away from friends, family and a special lady friend but if you really love her and she loves you then you both will get that one year apart and long and how bad as that seems will end up not being such a terrible thing when you look at the grand sceme of things. i can kinda relate i also have a long distance relationship with my girl while i am on an internship, i know its not 3000 miles away but i still deal with the same problems as you, she knows that for me this is a great oppertunity and since i believe shes the one for me she knows that 9 months away from her will almost be nothing compared to the years with her to come.... if you can i would see if its possible to go home for a week or 2 that would probably help some but like i said it might not be possible, or if possible try to get a friend or your girl to come visit you, i know its spendy and hard but it is an option, most of all i would try to enjoy the time you have and sure if it comes down to it, go home, theres no reason to lose it all for this, quick summary -keep an open mind to everything -see if theres any other options to seeing friends back home -keep you spirits high -try to think about the long term rather than right now -finally, if everything else fails make a rational decision on what you belive is right to do best of luck to you and your relationship __________________ "I have no idea whats going on"

11-09-2005, 06:02 AM	#3 (permalink)
aberkok “Wrong is right.” Location: toronto	You need some friends. Sounds like me about a month ago. I was in Hong Kong playing a gig in a hotel. I couldn't really get along that well with my bandmates, and the loneliness ruined any excitement I would've got from exploration. The only thing that really helped was when I finally made some new friends there, but it was too little, too late. My advice is to pull yourself out of your funk and go make some friends now! It's hard, trust me I know, but it's the only thing that can really fill the emptiness. Relationships with others will cure your isolation. Sure, you'll miss your friends overseas (and it is worse than you expect when you first go...trust me I was pretty much depressed for several weeks), but at least you'll have some substitutes. The benefits of a friendship will take some time to nurture, so go, get involved in a club of some sort, go to the pub. It's hard to introduce yourself to new people, but the odds are that there's a lot of people who want to meet you too! __________________ !check out my new blog! http://arkanamusic.wordpress.com Warden Gentiles: "It? Perfectly innocent. But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries."

11-09-2005, 06:23 AM	#4 (permalink)
Jackebear Insane	Well, I know what you're feeling. First of all, call your buddies, family, and girlfriend ALL the time. You got a computer obviously so get Skype for PC calls and SkypeOut for calls to regular phones. I personally use DialPad (3.9 cents/min. to Canada). I chat regularly with my mates, get the local gossip, talk about the change in the bar scene, who their dating, movies, sports, politics etc. Get them to send you care packages by ship (cheaper than air). I have buddies that send me books they just finished, VHS tapes of CSI (love that show) and other goodies. If you have good friends back home, they will do this no questions asked. Finding friends is bloody hard, you're right. Where I am, the same thing...guys I would never hang out with at a bar back home. Seems like I'm the only cool, sensible, logical, intelligent guy here. Sounds familiar doesn't it. So, I joined the local gym and chat it up with some of the locals. They're not friends per say but good acquaintances. And they assist me when I need a hand in local problems...paperwork, directions etc. Make a plan to go home for at least 2 weeks during Christmas/New Years...even if you have to miss a couple days of classes. If you are feeling blue now...holy moly, it will be unbelieveably depressing during the holidays. I didn't go home my first year at Christmas...I will NEVER do that again. Finally, as the Oracle said in The Matrix..."know thy self". People can all say to you, tough it out, make friends, a great experience...blah, blah, blah. Well, a semister away is a pretty good experience in itself and if you feel you need to go home...then do it. You know in your gut what's best for you. Take care. __________________ Life's jounney is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn-out shouting, "Holy sh*t! What a ride!" - unknown

11-09-2005, 06:24 AM	#5 (permalink)
roachboy Super Moderator Location: essex ma	sailor: sorry that you are having a rough time of it---first, where in germany are you? i did a few years in paris--there seemed to me to be almost a rhythm of depression/homesickenss--once after the novelty of being ther at all wore off, another at about 3 months (which lined up with the onset of winter, which in paris is a long grey period--not seing the sun for it would seem like weeks at a time was a definite factor in that)....the second phase seemed longer and much more of a grind than the first, but it dissipated....if my experience is any guide, you should find it easier with some time.... the relationship is obviously a factor in all this--i am not sure what to say beyond wishing you the best with it. i found myself burning up calling cards talking with folk in the states during the worst phase of this process..(btw use calling cards at public phones--dont be tricked by the convenience of your residental phone because the bill will arrive after a couple months and be a Real Blow) as for meeting folk: are you there on a fellowship (a daad or fulbright or some such)--if you are, then it usually is the case that the fellowship sponsor will hold some events for awardees that can operate as the basis for meeting others in your position--which forms the base for possible alliances/support/maybe firendships even. maybe check some of them out. i found this to be helpful at a couple of points, particularly during the first year, during which i was going through what i guess would be an accelerated and often difficult learning process with french. i dont know where your german is, but if it is like mine was at that point, i found that complex social interactions in french were tough. i used to feel like i had to have a few drinks before i could really speak--the problem was, in the end, massive self-consciousness about my spoken french. this meant that i was often in bars or cafes when i was feeling most outgoing in french--it also meant that mosto f the folk i met initially were pretty much as you woudl expect anywhere, if you are hoping to make freidns from amongst barpeople--high fuckup ratio, etc.. in paris it is pretty easy to find folk who want to exchange french for english conversation--you would meet up and talk for a while first in one language then in the other--that can be a structured way to get to know someone. but this kind of thing might be easier to find in a bigger city than in a small one or town. as for meeting folk from the place you are in--i dont know what kind of place you find yourself in--my experience was that it kinda took a while, but i dont knwo why it was the case exactly--eventually, i stumbled onto folk who in turn introduced me to their network of people and it went from there--ut the meeting seemed kinda like a chance thing, so i dont really have any advice on how to go about it beyond trying to remain available and patient. i seem to remember that you enjuoy cycling: are you doing it there? if not, you should...it'll help your head. the might also be cycling clubs that you could at least check out, and these too might be a good way to meet folk who have an interest or more in common with you. the reason i ask where you are is that i have alot of comrades/colleagues who have spent varying amounts of time in germany whom i could ask for resources/suggestions, depending on where you are. also, are you doing an undergrad year or a grad research thing? good luck...hope this gets easier for you. __________________ a gramophone its corrugated trumpet silver handle spinning dog. such faithfulness it hear it make you sick. -kamau brathwaite Last edited by roachboy; 11-09-2005 at 06:29 AM..

11-09-2005, 11:46 AM	#6 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	I lived in France (we travelled around, quite a bit...and I stayed with three families) a few years back. I felt similar to how you're feeling- I missed my life back home a lot. Now that I look back on it, I wish I could have done more while I was there. Try new things, and try to find new friends! Just like in the US, there will always be the idiots...but once you start to dig, you'll find the neat people who are just your type. Try to think about how this will shape your future, and what a unique chance you are able to have. You will come out of this experience a new person- why make your memories negative ones?

11-09-2005, 01:19 PM	#7 (permalink)
superiorrain Psycho Location: London	Everyone has said what i would suggest. I live in Berlin 2 years ago for my study abroad year and while i wasn't in exactly the same situation a you, in some ways i had it worse because i didn't live in the student accomodation like all the others. However, i found one person that looked like my sort of person (if that makes any sense) and lucky for me he lived in halls and although it took me a few months to meet the 'right' people, by chatting to one who then introduced you to someone else and so on. I found i met the most incrediable people and dare i even say it life long freinds from all over the world. Truth be known us study abroad kids did stick together so didn't meet too many natives. But wow, once i met all these people i was on top of the world, learning, experiencing and living, really living. Go out in groups and you'll always find someone you like, who will eventually introduce you to other people just like them. Hang on in there, it will get better. Make sure you try and meet someone new as often as possible. You are living the dream, believe it and you'll enjoy it. In two years time you'll just want to be right back there and not sitting at the boring desk that has you shackled like a slave (the real world has turned me bitter) so enjoy fantasy land as much as you can it's one of the only times you are truelly free, free to be whoever and whatever you want to be without judgement and without responsiblities. __________________ "The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible." - Arthur C. Clarke

11-10-2005, 03:24 AM	#11 (permalink)
nukeu666 Junkie Location: India	how about going back home for a couple of weeks? mebbe impractical (lucky me for living 2 hrs from my home) __________________ Why did the Comp. Engineer get X-mas and Halloween mixed up? Because Oct(31) == Dec(25)

11-11-2005, 01:06 PM	#13 (permalink)
sailor beauty in the breakdown Location: Chapel Hill, NC	Ugh, another bad night. Of the two people here that I hang out with, one is out of town visiting a friend in Heidelberg and the other seems to be avoiding me. I've got nothing to do and no one to do it with, so I sit here on my computer--and I can do that better back in the States. I just really don't know what to do. At this rate, I'm going to end up throwing in the towel, and I really don't want to do that. I'm tired of spending the days and nights alone, but when I try to do something, get out and see something, anything, it never works. Ugh. __________________ "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." --Plato

11-11-2005, 05:04 PM	#14 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Why not go outside with a map and go exploring!!? You are in a completely different country, and you're complaining because you're sitting alone in the house? You are going to get nowhere with that attitude!

11-11-2005, 05:09 PM	#15 (permalink)
superiorrain Psycho Location: London	I wish there was some magic way to make it better for you, i really do. Seems like you're in a situtation that has been making little improvement. However, i'm almost sure someone will come up with an idea for you. I don't know tuebingen, if i did i would help you out more, Munich and Berlin i could tell you exactly where you would meet interesting people. Good luck and keep us posted. I'm going to brain storm some more ideas because i still think that it is the lucky few who do this experience and that everyone should. __________________ "The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible." - Arthur C. Clarke

11-12-2005, 06:47 AM	#18 (permalink)
FngKestrel Junkie	Everyone's given a lot of good advice, and it seems like you're making aims to get over this funk. I would have this to say, play up your American-ness if you're having trouble meeting people. I think many people abroad are at least interested in meeting foreigners. At least, that was the impression I got when I went to Europe. Also, when you're feeling good and not too busy, pull out a map and make plans for daytrips. Then when you're in a funk, go on one of those daytrips you've planned. Call someone you've met or go by yourself. Getting out and about makes a big difference. Best of luck.