Daniel_

Sorry if this is in the wrong place - move it for me if I messed up.

Just been talking to my Mum, whos going away this weekend to look after my brothers kids.

We all know about families where people had a hard time coming out as gay, but I was wondering if anyone had ever come across a family that were so convinced a kid of theirs was gay that they had to come out as straight?

My nephew is 11, and is into all maner of gender stereotypically "girly" things - he loves cooking, ballet, horses, fashion and so on. Personally I think it's just that he spends more time with his mum than his dad (my brother works away a lot) but they are all conviced he's gay.

He goes to a private grammar school, single sex, pretty expensive, and at Christmas he got the female lead in the school play - my Sis-in-Law was so proud that he was happy to dress up as a girl.

All in all, I'm a little concerned that he's going to be so EXPECTED to date boys that he might miss out on his true sexuality as a heterosexual.

What do you all think?

Anomaly_

Let the chips fall where they may and don't push him in any direction; that could really screw a kid up. It is rather inappropriate for his family to be concerned about something like this. At age 11, one isn't even close to being a mature sexual person. Even if he were a bit older, the issue is entirely private.

lurkette

I think that (the underlined bit) is a pretty big assumption. How do you know what his "true sexuality" is? Sometimes if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....just be supportive of him whomever he decides to date. Plus, people generally don't date one gender or another simply because their family expects them to (or, if they do, they find out pretty fast where their true attractions lie).

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ratbastid

Look, there was a guy lurkette and I knew in college... He was the only one who didn't know he was gay. He was so obviously gay it was just painful. And he kept having these half-hearted and awkward relationships with women. The women knew better, but somehow they were attracted to him anyway... It was just a complete train wreck.

Turns out, a couple years after graduation he figured it out for himself, and is now a very happy and very well-adjusted gay man. When we last heard from him, he was living with another friend of ours, one of those hopeful women he abortively dated.

My point is, you've got to let him see it for himself. He'll figure out his own sexuality in his own time.

martinguerre

/nods to the lurkbastids

friend of mine here simply didn't "get the memo" for a few years. he's now bi, and i can now personally attest, a damn good kisser.

back to topic...you have no way of knowing his "true" sexuality. i bet he doesn't either. 11 is young...i knew i was hetero for a long time. ii didn't figure out my attractions to men were present as well until a few years ago. i trust people to work out their own sexuality...i just try to watch the enviroment for the pressure to conform.

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BalloonKnots

Look on the bright side, at least if he is gay, he will have very supportive parents. It is certainly better than the other way around.

I think his parents are just trying to do the right thing for their kid...being supportive regardless of his sexual orientation. I don't know to what extent 'being supportive' is in this case, but if his parents are 'pushing' him, like buying him a dollhouse for christmas when he never asked for one, then that is totally wrong. That would just confuse the poor kid. They need to take a more hands off approach and let things sort itself out when the boy is more sexually mature.

Daniel_

Lurkette: I get your point, but you didn't highlight it the way I was thinking it im my head (if that makes sense).

I was meaning that the boy should be allowed to find his preferences naturally. If that means he thinks he's straight and doesn't realise he's gay, or vice versa, then it's his journey to make.

I was trying to get some thoughts on the supreme irony of a family that are SO liberal and cool about homosexuality that they seem to think it's a badge of honour to have a gay son.

Don't get me wrong - he's a great kid, and I love him to pieces, one day he'll make someone a great wife

I just want him to be happy, and I don't think deciding he must be gay because he likes dance is any more smart than deciding your kid must be straight because he wants to shoot guns.

lurkette

Daniel_, I get where you're coming from (just sounded like you were assuming some stuff in your original post). If the parents are making assumptions and talking about it to his face, and encouraging him to date nice boys, that's one thing. If they're just coming to terms with the fact that he might be gay, I don't really see anything wrong with that. As long as they're supportive when he does hit puberty and starts to explore which team he plays for, I don't see a problem as long as they're not pushing him one way or the other. There's so much pressure in society at large to act hetero that I can't imagine he's going to date boys just because his parents think it would be okay.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

lindseylatch

I think society's expectations of heterosexuality will more than balance the parents...

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mokle

Just because he likes horses and cooking doesn't mean he's sexually attracted to men. Though American society would say otherwise it seems.

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Daniel_

I know that gender stereotyping is whacked, and I know that he will be what he will be, I just thought that as a jumping off point for a discussion it was interesting.



Thanks for taking it seriously - I like it here, and I think I'll stick around for a bit, if you'll have me?

Has anyone got any direct experience of realising that their own sexuality was not what they'd thought?

I've read a couple of threads about people realising they're bi- or homo- sexual, buut I've not yet encountered the oposite - someone realising that they were NOT gay?

martinguerre

Well, that would require that person to be in a homonormative community or situation, where they would assume that they were homosexual until proven otherwise. i think that's what you might imply is possible for this relative of yours...but what i'm saying is that the broader cultural situation is homophobic/heteronormative to the point where this doesn't seem very likely.

i'm sure it might be possible that i be surprised, however...

__________________
For God so loved creation, that God sent God's only Son that whosoever believed should not perish, but have everlasting life.

-John 3:16