waltert

I had a spet brother who didnt want to grow up and accept responsibility.

he's in his mid twenties and hasnt really accomplished anything..still kind of drifts around works a little bit, then drifts some more.

its hard to get anywhere without working hard, she'll likely never have a future in fashion. lets just face the facts...no matter what the hell she's doing, if she doesnt get serious about it, she wont be successful.

there were lots of attempts to get my multiple wayward step brothers to fly right.
one's been in jail for 6 years, the other is the drifter, and the other is apparently working and living by himself somewhere in georgia.

I hate to say it, but you just need to be an asshole, and so do your parents. tell her that once she's 18 if she hasnt straightened out, she'll be kicked out of the house...she'll sink or swim...its her problem
you'll only exhaust yourself trying to deal with unmotivated people. -let it be

jstory

You should give her as much support as you can, its kinda important for her to pass HS.

MacGuyver

TFP'ers - Although the majority of you say 'It's not your problem, don't deal with it.' I don't think that is the answer la petite moi is looking for. Obviously she cares alot about her sister to show great concern for what mishaps she may be brining upon herself. It may not be her problem, but I get the feeling la petite moi isn't treating it as her problem as much as she is just being a caring sister and trying to support someone of her own blood.

I take it like this:

la petite moi - I think what you have to do is just talk with your sister. I don't HOW close the two of you are, but I think that a correctly done talk could possibly help alot more than anything else. The catch with this is you have to be REALLY good at guiding her, because there is only so much you can do. Your sister has to realize what she is doing, what she isn't doing, and what she could do to fix it, or to maintain anything good that she already is doing. You are the words that are there to help her find what she's looking for.

So I'd get her at a time when shes not busy, and ask if you can talk with her a little bit about school. School seems to be your first priority for her. Tell her you understand that her grades aren't doing so well. Relate to her, because for me at least, I KNOW high school was a bore, and I didn't WANT to do anything like homework, because it's absolutely pointless in High School. That's mixing the negative with the positive, so hopefully you don't lose her and she starts swearing at you, like you said. If she's interested in fashion, a public high school isn't going to do too much as far as getting her any education in that field, but she needs to know that as soon as she passes High School, she can take as much time as she needs to go through college. All she has to do is get through H.S. first. Music is fairly similar, most high school music programs won't give much satisfaction to better musicians. But the idea is still the same, as long as she can get through High School, she can shape her own education to how she needs it to be.

When you talk with her make sure not to be condescending, or frustrated, or dissapointed in her. She won't listen that way. She needs to be talked with on her level, mixing what SHE is interested in, with what she needs to have put in her agenda. A big core idea is that no matter what she wants to do in the future, she has to work at it. 'We are what we repeatedly do; excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.' I live by that quote, it's a good lesson for anything that you do in life. She needs to realize that she can still hang out with her friends and spend money etc, but she needs to balance it with her work: school, job, music, fashion, whatever. All work and no play certainly does make a dull day, but all play and no work will leave you poor and struggling to live past your twenties.

She may be living with her frame of mind only set on the present, just doing whatever she feels, which isn't a bad thing. She just needs to see that she can't have tunnel vision and look over the future or the past as well.

I hope this helps for your situation, let me know how it works out if you decide to use any of it!

__________________
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
---Aristotle

Deeds, not words, shall speak [for] me.
---John Fletcher

analog

charlatan, clavus, lebell, all fine examples of what to do.

you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. all you can do is let them know you're there in earnest when they're seriously prepared to begin helping themselves... and then you have to watch like a hawk to be sure they're not just mooching.

Bryndian_Dhai

The thing is, MacGuyver, that no matter how understanding and noncondescending she is, if her sister isn't interested in her help, then nothing she does is going to work. I am in my mid thirties, and I was in lpm's exact situation. I asked my mother once why they were so hard on me and not on my sister who was a serious fuckup. She actually said that they were harder on me because they expected more from me... WTF?? I've since told my mother that maybe if they'd expected more from her, she'd have learned to meet a higher standard.

As it is, I had my go at a fucked up life... Instead of doing what lpm is doing, I took it to heart that I was never going to live up to their standards, and gave up. I tried and tried (at my parents' insistence) to "help" my sister out, sacrificing my own life to the point that I didn't have one. I nearly killed myself with drugs and alcohol and other stupid things in an attempt to drown my "inadequecies." And for what? My sister is 11 months younger than I am. She is still a serious fuck up. She's birthed four children, none of whom she has custody of. She's been married twice, goes through men like they're disposable. She's been evicted from every apartment she's every lived in. Her credit sucks, she barely makes ends meet. My parents are still bailing her out.

I wish, rather than taking the responsibility my parents unfairly burdened me with regarding my sister, I'd been strong enough to tell them she was their problem... I wish I'd been strong enough to stand up to them and say no, that my own future was as important (or more, at least to me) as Gina's. I wish I hadn't squandered, in my own way, my own opportunities by sacrificing them to "help" my sister.

I think its absolutely wonderful that lpm wants to help her own sister. But I think that most of the advice here has been on the money: Concentrate on her own future, do her time, and get the fuck out. Honestly, she really needs to get in the habit now of self-validation.... She's never going to get it from her family, and they are always going to try and make her feel bad for choosing herself over anyone else.

Oh, gods, le petite moi, I'm sorry for speaking of you in the third person... But you get my drift. I feel for you... I remember being in your shoes. I fucked up my opportunities, but you don't have to.

__________________
“When facism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.”
~Sinclair Lewis

iamnormal

If you want to help her then make yourself a good role model. Helping yourself will help your family more than trying to tell them what to do.

Rodney

Stick it out for another year, take care of yourself. You can offer help to your sister, but if she doesn't want to take it there's nothing you can do. If she ever asks for help in a way that shows she really wants to work towards doing better, be ready to offer help and also be sure that, in the meantime, she knows that you will do that when she's ready.

But in the meantime... your mom is basically unwilling to do her job, cancer or no, and is selfishly trying to put it off on you; your dad is staying away from home and ignoring the situation; and both want you to fix it because they can't be bothered to, and don't want to take the blame themselves.

Do your year, thank them for their financial support in raising you, then leave, and say you'll be happy to hear from them any time they have a sincere interest in finding out how you're doing. If the situation gets worse or you just can't stand it anymore, spend as little time at home as possible; study in the library, whatever. Just go home to sleep, eat, and do your laundry.

Cynthetiq

yes...that's the best advice.

My parents asked me to talk to my sister about the birds and the bees when we were younger. I flat out told them it was their job and not in my job description of older brother. I offered to at least give same advice that they give or correct their advice based on the times.

good luck.

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punx1325

Sadly there is nothing you or your parents can do. My sister was in the same boat, instead of fashion it was art. But anyways, my parents took literally everything away. Which about the only thing your parents can do. But one day she finally wisened up and just started caring. She's now getting good grades and with any luck might be able to get into a semi-good school. There is nothing you or your parents can do to force her to care. Sadly you will have to watch her fail, which is hard to do but you don't want her to bring you down with her.
If you want to try one thing rub in her face about how much sucessful you will be. I drove my sister insane with jeliousy which is something that I think assisted her in wanting to care. But in the end only she can improve...

__________________
If something seems too good to be true, then it probably is....

Undercover_Man

You could try to motivate her. Tell ur parents to PROMISE to get her a Viper when she graduates. That should do it.

Catch: When she graduates and expects to get a brand new car, then ur parents can give her a box with a Viper inside. Not sure why she would want a snake but hey, ur parents didn't specify whether it was a car or a snake. They kept their part of the bargain.

samiam

All you can do is offer to be supportive and stand back. If she does drop out of school and gets her life together later, there is the GED and schools that will consider mature students without diplomas. It is possible that your sister's reaction is a reaction to what's going on in the house. If you add to it, you may not be doing her any good. If you can be regarded as the supportive one, when she is ready, she will probably turn to you. The important thing to remember is that you have a life and must live it as best you can.