The "lost someone" thread

[lurkette]

I realized in another thread about loss how many people have lost someone close to them - family members, spouses, close friends. I know from my own experience how much of a difference it makes to have people know what's happened and be aware of the person who's passed, so I wanted to give people an opportunity to say whatever they wanted to say about their loved ones, their grief, their experience.

As most people know, my brother Josh died when he was 25, about a year & 1/2 ago. He was a skater, a computer geek, an iconoclast, a rebel. He had a disease that made him look different - he had no sweat glands, and he had sparse hair and teeth and dry skin. He was also very skinny from skating so much, and people often thought he had cancer or AIDS (he didn't). He lived life on his own terms and was one of the strongest people I know. It makes me so sad sometimes to think about the times in his life when he wasn't strong - when he was hurting over a lost love, when he was reminded of how different he was, when he thought about how life is just "lots of boredom in between happiness and pain" (his words). Sometimes I think about him saying that and wonder if he didn't give up (he was in a coma and getting better for a while) rather than put up with another 50 years of boredom.

Anyhow, I miss him and I love him.

Who have you lost? What do you miss about them? What would you say to them? What do you want us to know about them?

[maleficent]

excellent idea...

Tom, my best friend since we were 4 years old, who made the unfortunate mistake of going to work on September 11. My family moved a few times when we were kids, but somehow Tom and I always managed to stay in touch, and this was before the days of cheap long distance and email. We just always managed to be in each other's lives. Tom was the guy everyone wanted to be friends with, and was pretty much friends with everyone. He was tall, good looking, intelligent, had a great smile, was charming, would help out anyone who asked, and even those that didnt. Had a heart as big as all outdoors. He's the type of person that people are just drawn to, because of his warmth. But there was so much more to him.

What do I miss about him? Easy. The reality check. I am a very tense, high stress person, I rarely talk about what's really going on in my head and the internal dialog in my head can get pretty intense, and can sometimes make things worse than they really are. Tom could give me a reality check, and just the ease in which we talked, and I could sort out the wheat from the chaff. I miss the nights that he'd work too late to get the train home, and (I was living downtown at the time) he'd come over to my apartment and sleep on the couch. I'd wake up in the morning, and he'd be snoring on the couch. I miss taking roadtrips to the jersey shore, sitting on the beach all night and talking to the sun comes up and later. I miss my best friend.

What would I say to them? I got a lot building up, I'd need days to get it all out, but the biggest thing I'd say to him, is remind him how much he means to me and what a huge part of my life he is. Some of our best moments were when nothing was said at all. There was an incident a few years back, where I called with a big problem, 12 hours later, he had come 1/2 way across the country just to lend a shoulder, no words were spoken but the gesture will stay with me forever. At one of my darkest moments, I had a friend I could count on. I know that I don't have this now, that's not a negative, but I know I can't replace a 30 year + friendship. I'll report back when I am 70.

Someone once told me that they thought I was making Tom better than he was because he was dead and wasn't around to defend himself and remind me of his bad sides. I am very aware of his imperfections, he could be annoying as all get out, more stubborn than I am, and could argue me under the table, but it was one of the things I liked best about him.


The world is definitely worse off for the loss of Tom. Tom always gave people the benefit of the doubt and never judged people until he got to know them. I could go on forever...

[Grasshopper Green]

I lost my brother, Jedd, 7 months ago. He had schizophrenia and took his own life after years of suffering from it. Before he got sick, he was the kind of person that everyone wanted to be around. He had lots of friends, lots of girlfriends, he was basically the life of the party. He was smart and funny as hell too; you could just sit and talk to him forever and never get bored because he'd either be making you laugh or think. He was also an excellent musician. He taught himself guitar and at his death had written a lot of his own songs, made a CD with the help of a friend, and was getting local gigs.

He lived with me and hubby the last month he was alive, and I was impatient with him and I regret it horribly. If I could I'd tell him I am sorry that I wasn't as patient and understanding as I could have been. I'd tell him that I could see that the disease had robbed him of his true self and that I am no longer angry with him for the choices he made. He did the best he could do with the situation he was in. I'd tell him I love him, I never did that enough. I miss him terribly.

[*Nikki*]

This is such a wonderful idea and a great memorial.

I lost my grandpa almost two years ago now. He was a very kind man who always was trying to tell a joke and make people laugh. He was nice to everyone and all the waitresses at the restaurants around where he lived knew him. He would always say nice things to them and leave them great tips. He was a very frugal man and he only ever bought just exactly what he needed and never spent a penny on anything other then that. The thing that I really regret was that he lived very close to me and many many times I just drove write by his apartment and never stopped to visit. I was always to busy with my own life. About a month before he died I met my fiance. I told my grandpa all about him, and I couldn't wait for them to meet. My grandpa had alzheimers disease and it was progressing rapidly in his last days. They never got to meet but I will always remember my grandpa's kind brown eyes looking at me and telling me he was so happy for me. I wish so badly now that he could see me get married and I know he would have loved my soon to be husband. I miss him dearly.

He is just one of many family members I have lost. Maybe I will share some of their stories in the future.

[ShaniFaye]

I lost my grandfather to alzheimers Nov 6th 1994, the day after Ronald Reagan announced he had it. I was always close to both sets of grandparents but PaPa was the first (and only so far) that I lost.

He was the baby of 15 children and the grandson of a full blooded cherokee indian. He was born and raised in Cowpens SC, the same place I was born. My father worked for the pipeline so we moved around A LOT, 18 times before I was 8 and we finally setteled outside Atlanta. Papa always called me his (insert name of the city I lived at the time) hootnanny. After he got out of the mills he worked for a trucking company and he and my memaw lived part of the time in Georgia and part in the home they'd always had in Cowpens. Summers were when he was in south GA. I would spend two months of the summer with him, working in the garden, going fishing and hanging out with him.

One of his favorite pranks was to convince me there were different kinds of trees in the woods where they lived. The two that stand out in my mind were the juicy fruit tree and the money tree. He had an old dune buggy that he let us grandkids drive to look for them...on a few occasions we would find a little sappling tree with a one or five dollar bill on it, or a few packs of gum....but we never found the "grandaddy" of the trees

One of his jobs was counting out the pay for the workers on friday nites, they were always paid in cash. Each friday I would sit on his lap and lay the money in piles, there was ALWAYS an extra 5 dollar bill left over which was MY pay for helping.

Easter always brought easter egg hunts with prize eggs....real silver dollars....oh how we grandkids would fight over those.

Papa is the one that fixed it so that I could never in my life drink coffee that wasnt FULL of milk and sugar. He was also the one that would bet me 50 dollars that I couldnt be quiet for 1 whole minute.....starting since before Im old enuff to remember.

After I graduated highschool I moved up to SC (and actually lived with my other grandparents, Papa's house didnt have room for me) but I was over there as much as I could be since they were only 7 miles away. This was a bad time in my life, running with the wrong crowd, getting into cocaine, partying too much etc. But in the year I was there I never went to see him drugged up....something in my head told me that I could not disrespect him that way.

I finally moved back to georgia and my parents to get myself straightened out. The day I left he told me that he knew I was "troubled" but he had faith I could turn myself around.

A few years later he started the downward spiral, it took 18 months for him to pass quietly away. I had my daughter after his memory had really started to go, and when I'd take her to visit he always thought she was me. They called me to tell me he was going to the hospital for the "last" time the day that Susan Smith confessed to drowning her two children. You have to understand I'd been in knots over that situation because Union SC is right next to Cowpens and I had family there as well. My mother told me my father was already up there so at 10 o'clock that nite I got in my car, telling my husband that I wouldnt be home until it was "over".

I arrived at the hospital around midnite and my dad was stretched out asleep but woke up as soon as I opened the door. He wasked me what I was doing and I told him momma had told me he didnt have anything to read so I'd brought him an Atlanta newspaper. I didnt leave the hospital until sunday afternoon, when the family forced me to go. I spent all that time singing his favorite hymns, reading the bible to him, "remembering" all our good times growing up, sometimes he would squeeze my hand (he was never concious the whole time I was there). I was insane with no sleep and they made me leave to get a nap and wouldnt let me spend the nite. They called me around 11 to tell me he was gone. I was so devestated, I wanted to be there so badly when he finally died....but my grandmother must have known, she hadnt let anyone stay that nite with her, she wanted that nite alone.

His death has been the only one in my life that has "affected" me. I couldnt stop crying and I passed out at the funeral, everyone said it was because I hadnt eaten in days, but I hurt SO badly I couldnt stand it.

After the funeral we all went back to their house for the after funeral dinner and my grandmother called me up to her room. In a moment of clarity my grandfather had given her an envelope to give to me after he died, but she had no idea what it was.

It was a 50 dollar bill with a note that said.....You never managed to get this while you were a child, now I give this to you in the hope that you'll ALWAYS still remember to talk to me when Im gone. If its at all possible I will watch over you way I always have and I am proud of the woman you've become. You were never a disappointment to me. and it was signed, your self proclaimed guardian angel, PaPa

I still have that 50 dollars.

I dream sometimes he's sitting on my bed talking to me and I used to wake up feeling lonley.....that changed after a few years to feeling really loved.

[viejo gringo]

Lost my dad back in 1985...he sure taught me how to use my hands and do a good days work....

but the one I miss the most now is mom---she went "to give a few people hell"...two weeks ago tonight...she said she was ready, and just went to sleep...

we had a great life togather,,,after their divorse in 1950, she and I got an apartment togather and stuggeled through my senior year in school..With both of us working we paid the $7 dollar a week rent and had food on the table....I graduated and got a full time job...things got a lot better.....

Those were the good times that I hold dear and will always remeber....

What would I like to say to her now??? The yellow roses are blooming.

[appleseed]

Wow ShaniFaye that is a great story.

I lost my grandfather on my dad's side about 5 years ago. He taught me more about life than anyone in my life has. He also taught me how to live. My grandmother says I remind her of him in so many ways, and that it is the best compliment I could ever hope for.

Just as an example, he bought me my first pocketknife (I was probably about 10 or 11)and showed me how to sharpen it. Then he showed me how to test the sharpness by running your thumb across the blade, and to never run your thumb down the blade.

Well (of course) as soon as I was alone, I ran my thumb down the blade and cut it wide open. I went to him and he didn't yell or get upset, he just said " I knew you'd have to try it, but someday you'll learn that all of these years have taught me a few things" and he pulled a Band-Aid out of his pocket.

That was one of my favorite memories of him, and after he died my Grandma came to me and said "Grandpa wanted you to have this, of all of his things" and handed me the old Purina Feeds pocketknife that he always carried with him. The blades on this knife have been sharpened so many times that they are probably half their original size. Somehow I think he knew that that moment when I came to him with my cut thumb was a turning point for me in how I viewed the world.

[sailor]

God, Shani, thats beautiful. Tears came to my eyes--absolutely wonderful.

[IC3]

In 1994 I lost 2 friends (Jerry & Sarah, They were a couple) It was a warm summer evening and they decided they were gonna walk to the movies instead of driving.

On thier walk home they were crossing an intersection (Not against the lights) and out of nowhere a drunk driver ran a red light. From what witnesses said, Jerry seen the car coming straight at the 2 of them, He pushed sarah as much as he could before the car hit them..He was killed instantly, and sarah layed in acoma for about 2 weeks, The doctors said that if she survives she would be brain dead. The family let her go to rest in peace.

There's not a day that goes by that i prey that he put a gun to his head.

5 years ago my stepfather was arrested for impaired driving, I don't get what people are thinking..I drink on occasion and i understand that when you drink you lose some control over yourself. I have been so drunk before that the first step i take goes straight ahead..but the second either goes to the left or right..Never a straight line, And not once have i ever thought of driving.

Losing 2 friends in such a....fucked up way, messed me up for a long time..I cant even imagine what thier parents went through.

I don't have a problem with people who drink..But when they reach for thier keys, They need to get help to get the alcohol out of thier lives.

Their graves lay side by side.

What if they stopped to tie an undone shoelace, or stopped at a corner store for something. I still find it so hard to believe.

You just never know what could happen.

[Fire]

A week ago tonight my martial arts Instructor took his own life- He was a world champion several times over, had a flourishing school, and was my friend for the last 16 years- He had a troubled personal life, but most of his students were unaware of this, and it was a shock to the majority of them- I am currently helping his named successor to continue the school, and hope his legacy will live on....

[high_way]

i lost a good friend of my to suicide a couple of years ago. i wish i could tell a story like you guys have but the easiest way for me to express what we had is through a poem i wrote. so here it is



A poem for a Dead Friend

To my friend, so pure, talented, so young
Why did you have to put the rope on and take all the air from your lung
You were a man of many laughs, smiles and cheers
Why couldnt i have gotten to know you better in your final years
Many good times and memories i have which i have only you to thank
But now i need my strength or i will join you and give my neck one final yank
But alas no matter what i think, feel or say
Please know that i will never join you and end in the same way
I must live my life in a way that you never could
But i will see you again someday in someway and we will sit and talk like we said we always would

MARVIN DRAKE 2004

[Demeter]

I lost my Dad last year. Due to bad health & circumstances he turned to alcohol when I was a kid & it made him a hard stern man. He softened as I got older, but by then I was busy with my own children, and he had moved further away, I never got to see him as much. I realized after his death I missed out on so much. He was a really interesting guy. But the frightened 12 year old in me couldn't get by the memories of his anger.
He is at rest now, he had a hard life, and he slipped away peacefully. For that I'm grateful. I hope I get another chance one day to get to know the man behind the Dad.

[lurkette]

In the haze over my brother's death I sometimes "forget" that my grandfather died about 4 months before Josh did. He was 80-something and had congestive heart failure, so it wasn't a surprise - more of a blessing, really - but I still miss him. We lived about 100 yards from my grandparents my whole life, so we spent a lot of time with them and were pretty close. He was a horrible curmudgeon when we were growing up - always yelling at us to close the damn door, but he had a soft spot. He LOVED snacks and would hide them from us kids when we came over, but sophomore year in college when I stopped to visit them on the way back to campus after break, we got in the car and were pulling out of the driveway, and my grandpa came shuffling out the door waving at us to stop, and in his hand had had a can of sour cream and onion pringles - his favorite. He gave them to me and gave me a big hug and kiss, and I cried all the way home.

For our sixth anniversary we invited the whole family out for a party and my grandpa flew for the first time and saw the ocean for the first time. We talked a lot on that trip, and I told him about how I always thought I was unlovable, and he just looked at me and said "How could you think that? You're perfect. You know there's nobody else I'd make this trip for."

He was so proud of me when I changed the starter on my car - he was a car FANATIC - and loved hearing about my travels. I know grandparents say they don't have favorites, but I was his favorite, and I knew it. I called him all the time, and there are still times when I wish he was there to talk to.

When he died, I was sad I couldn't be there to say goodbye in person, but we both knew we loved each other. Maybe that's why it's been so easy to let go. The weekend after he died I was supposed to be in New Orleans for a meeting, and grandma insisted I go. While I was there, I saw 3 Rolls Royces. Grandpa would have been tickled pink to hear about them.

[Blackthorn]

God saw you getting tired
And a cure was not to be
So He put His arms around you
And whispered "Come with me"

Although we loved you dearly
We could not make you stay
With tearful eyes we watched you,
and saw you pass away.

A golden heart stopped beating
Hard working hands at rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best

It's lonesome here without you
We miss you everyday
And life will never be the same
Since you have gone away

When days are sad and lonely
And everything goes wrong
We seem to hear you whisper
"Cheer up and carry on"

Each time we see your picture
You seem to smile and say
"Don't cry, I'm in God's keeping
We'll meet again some day."

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories were a lane,
I'd walk right up to heaven,
to bring you home again.

No farewell words were spoken
no time to say goodbye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches in sadness,
What it meant to lose you,
No one will ever know.


-Original Author Unknown