fhqwhgads

*story removed*

onodrim

Now, I too hate shopping and am among the "seek and destroy" shoppers as you put it. However, I never once had anything like this happen to me and didn't even realize it existed. But then all this week I've heard people complaining about the massages they get at the mall and how it's all just a ploy to make money. Is this a new thing this holiday season? Or have I just missed it over the past twenty years?

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"The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides"
-Carl Sagan

tricks

fhqwhgads, I think you're wasting your time carrying a gun. Find a job writting. Another great "letter".

Thanks.

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Destrox

Heh.. we HAD those same people in our mall. Lucky me I work at the mall, and deal with them daily as I goto lunch or w/e , they dont get the hint that I am working I dont have the time for your shit.

Well there was these 7 or 8 specific booths that were ran by the same sets of people , just they alternate between places. About 1 week ago the State Deportation Police came, arrested them, and shut them down right in the middle of the mall. IT WAS GREAT! Turns out they were illegals, and this one booth was being sued by Nintendo for a copyright game thing they were selling.

It is so much easier to walk through our mall now.

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You bore me.... next.

Ishmal

fhqwhgads, that is a good letter...

congrats on ur writing skills.

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"Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular."

StormBerlin

I think men that carry guns are sexy... wanna buy something from me the next time you're in SL? Just kidding. Not about the sexy part though....

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"if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

billege

That was wonderful. Thank you so very much!!

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Suave

Very enjoyable. You actually managed to have me riveted to a story about not buying a massager. Amazing.

amonkie

Yet another experience, fhqwhgads. You could almost get people to pay to see through your eyes for five minutes! Just be glad the guys with hand lotions and nail buffer didn't get ya - but wait, that'd actually be an interesting story!

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Fremen

Ahhh yes, the mall huckstress, Siren be thy name.

Once again, another enjoyable story, fhq. Thanks, bud.

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Furry

We don't have the monstrosity called "the siren" here - We have the I'm Bored Please Buy Something Off Of Me person. I ignore them or go to my back-up line:

"Hello, would you be interested in ********?"
"Ah, another item I don't need."

I have been known to ask horrible questions like: "Does this thing have an EU kitemark? Is it fireproof? Why don't batteries come included?"

Now, however, I shop in the high street and in the back alleys, where people are people and not souless selling machines. For some reason, looking student-ish makes salespeople honest. They know you've seen it all before - and worse, you might just be a lawyer in training.

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warrrreagl

I don't know where you're located, but the EXACT same story occurs here in the malls in Alabama. Always a Mediterranean accent, always the same back massager, and always the same opening line, "Can I ask you a question?"

My conspiracy theory antennae just went way up...

When we go to the malls now, my wife pulls me aside and has to sternly warn me not to get into a fight with them (it nearly happened one night). She has to tell me to treat them like drunks; just ignore them and keep walking, don't look at them and don't talk to them no matter what they say.

I hate them!

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

Charlatan

Reminds me of trying to get to my hotel in the middle of the walking street in downtown Budapest... tons of gorgeous young women all wanting to have conversations with me... Flattering until you realize there is a cost to pay for the conversation.

Just keep your head down and keep saying, "No Thank you!" If it helps pretend not to speak English (or any other language they happen to try on you...).

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

martinguerre

damn...they gotta discover the siren up here. the malls round here don't usually have hot chicks working the massage stands.

great story...the throwaway references to "plain clothes and wearing a wire" cracked me up.

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-John 3:16

aurigus

Loved your story!!

There are 2 mall kiosks here that pull the same kind of crap. The first one is this scalp massager thing that feels all good. The second is this nail place that sells this nail "system" which is basically 3 kinds of emory boards for $20 or $30.

I try to avoid those kiosks since I know their location. But when they do get me, I just say I already bought some.

Glory's Sun

another great story fhq. You capture and relay the experience nicely. Maybe one day I can accomplish what you have. I always fall prey to the siren's song.

asaris

I had the same thing at a massage kiosk here (though she didn't try to undress me), but I just enjoyed the massage, and afterward told her I didn't want to buy anything.

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"Die Deutschen meinen, daß die Kraft sich in Härte und Grausamkeit offenbaren müsse, sie unterwerfen sich dann gerne und mit Bewunderung:[...]. Daß es Kraft giebt in der Milde und Stille, das glauben sie nicht leicht."

"The Germans believe that power must reveal itself in hardness and cruelty and then submit themselves gladly and with admiration[...]. They do not believe readily that there is power in meekness and calm."

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

scott_p_1

Wow, you guys are lucky. Our mall kiosks around here employ white teenage boys who are fluent in ebonics or middle aged men that remind me of Gil from The Simpsons. It's a lot easier to say "no" when they describe their product as "the shizzle"

Redgirl

See, this is why I make all my Christmas gifts instead of buying them. It takes a little longer but I haven't fought the holiday mall rats in a couple of years. If I really need to buy something, I shop online. I really really dislike the holiday crowds and people like Fhq describes.

I wonder, do they use hot guys to try to get the women to buy the massagers?

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Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

ICER

I quite agree, a great story.

A bit of advice on the Christmas list, pump the girls family for info. It works well for me.

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One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
~~David Letterman

JStrider

your agreat writer man!

those people really annoy me... the only kiosk i stop at is the knife one... the woman that works it isnt bad... and they always have some new knife i can look at....

havnt ever bought anything there tho...

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-=JStrider=-

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water_boy1999

That was a great story!
The last time I was in a mall, one of these sirens ended up selling me the most ridiculous Red Snow Ball Scooper. It has to be one of the silliest inventions ever!

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Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

maleficent

You go shopping with Halx's mom?
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=77981
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Excellent writing there, FQH, had me on the edge of my seat... I could use one of those massager thingies...

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dogzilla

Good story.

The only time I had anything like this happen was a middle-aged guy was working at a massage store in the mall and wanted me to get a massage.

Then there were the 20-something guys working in a cell phone kiosk that started harassing me when I told them I wasn't interested in getting a cell phone.

keyshawn

*Chuckles*

Really, though, fhq, you're a great writer, seriously. That was a well-written article. Also, thanks for the heads-up for when if I happen to head out to the mall this christmas season [yup, I seriously haven't yet - been staying away from them].

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water_boy1999

No, although it would be funny if that's where she got it.

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Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

ngdawg

So I'm wandering through two different malls today like a alzheimer's patient looking for his bedroom slippers. (If you have a loved one with alzheimer's, I apologize deeply. And, if you happen to have alzheimer's yourself, I didn't say a thing, and besides, Matlock is on...)
Dude, that was one of the best lines I have seen in ages!!!!!!

I guess there is a different approach to men than women from these kiosks. I do notice that all the girls have accents.
There is one outfit that sells a hand and nail kit. Do NOT fall for this! I did. All my fingernails broke off within two weeks. So now, when they approach me from those particular kiosks, I reply very loudly, YOUR CRAP RUINED MY NAILS. It's my mission.

Glava

My proposition: get fhqwhgads and Clavus, make them spend a day together, and see who makes his experience more entertaining for the readers. Whoever wins shall be crowned Bard of the TFP.

MacGuyver

I went to the mall today. To seek and destroy, to finish all of my shopping in one swift blow. Whenever a kiosk dude/girl came up to me... "NOPE, got one already, sorry."

Went in to American Eagle to get my sister a Gift Card... store was FULL of teenage girls... at 1PM. Shouldn't you be in school?

Standing in line too long while some old woman questions a "sale" for about twenty minutes... then proceeds to take another twenty minutes to buy two items.

Parents letting thier small children run around screaming.

Santa... not. even. close. Skinniest guy I've ever seen.

Food Court... you can imagine as to why I did not attempt even though I was deathly hungry.

Public Restrooms... Good Gravy. Disgusting.

This is why I go to the mall approximately 1 and a half times a year.

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
---Aristotle

Deeds, not words, shall speak [for] me.
---John Fletcher

510cut

haha nice writeup.. the good thing about actually being 19 and probably looking 17 (asian... :P) they totally ignore you lol.