SaltPork

I had just gotten home from work when my buddy called me while picking up his kids from daycare. He was lost and was bullshit at the crappy directions his ex-wife had given him. I muttered a few "Too bad's" and some other mildly patronizing/pandering things to him and hung up. I was definitely amused by the poor bastard's diorganization and hapless situation.

Then the bomb dropped.

My wife mentions to me that the bathroom sink is leaking. In my head I was cursing the day she was born. If she hadn't noticed that it was leaking, I would not have to fix it. This rationally makes the leaking sink her fault, right?

So, with that, I went to empty the vanity cabinet in order to fix the sink. I was first met with a cereal bowl that she had placed under the pipe to "catch" the leak. Apparently, she thought it would be nice to have a decorative fountain under the sink. When I got near the bowl with my hand I must have broken some magnetic forcefield holding the water in the bowl, because about half of the contents spilled onto the various sundries in the cabinet.

Quick inventory of the cabinet:
- 14,000 feminine care products-now granted, I am the only man in the house, but there is only one "mature" female in the house, this seemed excessive, I commented, then quickly I apologized.
- 6 different Lysol brand products-all in various levels of use
- 3 different mildew remover products-also all in various levels of use...and with that much mildew remover, why do we still get mildew?? WTF?
- 23 different shampoos, conditioners, mousses, gels, hairspray, etc. Also seemed excessive, I commented, again I quickly apologized. BTW, I'm balding and what little I have I shave off.
- 57 bath toys-for kids....really, there were 57, I counted
- 4 containers of color tablets for the bath...My oldest daughter likes to use all the colors and bathe in black water, goth in the making...we'll see.

Anyway, you get the idea. I filled two Rubbermaid Totes with the crap under the vanity. I threw away half of it, which I told her today after the trash got picked up. That was a fun conversation.

Back to the drain....I figure, well, I'll just loosen the connecting ring on the offending joint and tighten it back up. I've got my pipe wrench, my channel locks and my gloves...because you look that much better working around the house in gloves, plus I have these little pussy programmer hands.

I give the nut a little nudge with the channel locks and it moved slightly. One more slight turn and I was home free....until the fucking thing just snapped off of the FUCKING PIPE!!! I couldn't really react, my kids were in the tub just two feet away, so any swearing would have to wait until later. Then my wife says to me, "do you want my help?" An innocent question, well meaning, but I was going to beat her to death with the ring that just snapped off in my hand if I didn't leave right then, after all this was her fault, remember?

I returned to the sink after the children had left the bathroom for the evening and were safely in bed. I could swear with some abandon now. I quickly realized that this job was going to require a trip to Home Depot. But first I figured I would set about preparing the wall pipe for it's new tenant. Since the house is 40 years old, the copper pipe in the wall is soldered to the connecting pipe attached to the J-trap on the sink. This means, at least in my head, that this is a perfect situation for using my blow torch....mmmmmm, fiiirrre.

I sparked up the blow torch and set to work. I found it takes a while to get that shit moving. I also found you get bored when waiting for solder to, well, to unsolder. I turned my head and was looking around and smelled something burning....it was the vanity. I had set the fucking vanity on fire!! The best part is that I had shut the water off to the sink. So there I was scooping toilet water on to the fire. My wife came flying in and the first thing she says to me is, "why didn't you just turn on the tub faucet and take the water from there to put out the fire?", then she laughed shook her head and left me in the bathroom, soaked with toilet water.....

Well, the rest is academic. It took two trips to Home Depot, two attempts to stop new leaks, and untold amount of crap for bathing the bathroom and myself in toilet water, not to mention a charred vanity cabinet.

Lessons learned:
1. Regardless of how much shit is under the vanity never, ever comment about it....ever.
2. Mildew removers don't like dark colored clothes.
3. 23 hair care products are not too many to have even if I am "bald like a monkey's ass"
4. Every job around the house takes 10 times longer than you think it's going to take.

and finally....

5. NEVER, EVER let your wife see you extinguish the flaming vanity with toilet water.

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It was like that when I got here....I swear.

Nefir

Awesome story, wrkime. Had me at the edge of my seat, until I finally fell off, laughing. Well, figuratively, but you get the idea

I'm surprized you did not put down:

6. Home Depot is actually an Earthly projection from the 5th level of Hell, a place where the slothful reign, and the people you seek are trapped in a perpetual lunch hour.

But despite that, you have taught me several valuable lessons today, and I am most thankful.

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JStrider

lol... ive noticed that home projects always take longer then expected... and almost never go exactly as planned...

great story man

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Fly

hahahaha.........never fuck with the hair care products.........

....and sometimes man.........plumbing should be left to the shit heerders eh.


thanx for the read wrkime.......

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BASTARD

SterlingStudios

SaltPork

This weekend I get to replace the side storm door and exterior door....should be great humor there. Though, my more skilled bro-in-law will be in on the assist for that one so there shouldn't be too many antics.

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It was like that when I got here....I swear.

animosity

lol, nice story.

Sometimes I wish that I didn't know how to do the things I can do...

"hey Andre, you can do some plumbing and electrical can't you?"
".....damnit."

Cadwiz

I hate plumbing. I hate plumbing. I hate plumbing.
I would rather sand paper the ass of an alligator, in a phonebooth. (Ron White)

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Semper Fi

Munku

You're a brave brave man. And you tell really good stories too.

Bill O'Rights

And dont forget "4a"...every job around the house takes a minimum of 2 trips to the hardware store. No matter how well you've measured, how many tools you own, how detailed a list you've made or how much extra you pick up..."just in case". It's a universal truth.

Hmmmm...I should open a 24 hour hardware store.

Great story, wrkime. What makes even better is...we've all lived it, man. We share your pain.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Grancey

That was a fabulous story.....and so genuine. I loved it. Can't wait for my husband to read it.

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Quiet, mild-mannered souls might just turn out to be roaring lions of two-fisted cool.

SaltPork

BOR, it DID take two trips to Home Depot. Which was great, because Home Depot is the place I want to be at 9 PM on a Saturday night.

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It was like that when I got here....I swear.

Cynthetiq

that's why I hire plumbers... while it's expensive... I'm not aggravated.

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Fremen

Great story, wrkime.
Definitely gives ol' clavus a run for his money.

You forgot one lesson. Never take your eyes off the flame.

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SaltPork

Fremen, Fremen, Fremen, fire is okay. It's the extent of the damage and method of extinguishing the inferno that matters, as a result I thought it was more important to list the toilet water thing, which, by the way, I am still getting a load of crap for...no pun intended.

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It was like that when I got here....I swear.

Ishmal

hahahaha

that was just wat i needed to start my day!!!

a humourous story...

thanx wrkime, nice writing by the way.

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Hard8s

At least you didn't go to the Lowes that fhqwhgads went to.
fhqwhgads Lowes Thread
Well maybe Bill could have helped.

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If ignorance is bliss, then wipe this smile off my face!