SaltPork

I had just gotten home from work when my buddy called me while picking up his kids from daycare. He was lost and was bullshit at the crappy directions his ex-wife had given him. I muttered a few "Too bad's" and some other mildly patronizing/pandering things to him and hung up. I was definitely amused by the poor bastard's diorganization and hapless situation.

Then the bomb dropped.

My wife mentions to me that the bathroom sink is leaking. In my head I was cursing the day she was born. If she hadn't noticed that it was leaking, I would not have to fix it. This rationally makes the leaking sink her fault, right?

So, with that, I went to empty the vanity cabinet in order to fix the sink. I was first met with a cereal bowl that she had placed under the pipe to "catch" the leak. Apparently, she thought it would be nice to have a decorative fountain under the sink. When I got near the bowl with my hand I must have broken some magnetic forcefield holding the water in the bowl, because about half of the contents spilled onto the various sundries in the cabinet.

Quick inventory of the cabinet:
- 14,000 feminine care products-now granted, I am the only man in the house, but there is only one "mature" female in the house, this seemed excessive, I commented, then quickly I apologized.
- 6 different Lysol brand products-all in various levels of use
- 3 different mildew remover products-also all in various levels of use...and with that much mildew remover, why do we still get mildew?? WTF?
- 23 different shampoos, conditioners, mousses, gels, hairspray, etc. Also seemed excessive, I commented, again I quickly apologized. BTW, I'm balding and what little I have I shave off.
- 57 bath toys-for kids....really, there were 57, I counted
- 4 containers of color tablets for the bath...My oldest daughter likes to use all the colors and bathe in black water, goth in the making...we'll see.

Anyway, you get the idea. I filled two Rubbermaid Totes with the crap under the vanity. I threw away half of it, which I told her today after the trash got picked up. That was a fun conversation.

Back to the drain....I figure, well, I'll just loosen the connecting ring on the offending joint and tighten it back up. I've got my pipe wrench, my channel locks and my gloves...because you look that much better working around the house in gloves, plus I have these little pussy programmer hands.

I give the nut a little nudge with the channel locks and it moved slightly. One more slight turn and I was home free....until the fucking thing just snapped off of the FUCKING PIPE!!! I couldn't really react, my kids were in the tub just two feet away, so any swearing would have to wait until later. Then my wife says to me, "do you want my help?" An innocent question, well meaning, but I was going to beat her to death with the ring that just snapped off in my hand if I didn't leave right then, after all this was her fault, remember?

I returned to the sink after the children had left the bathroom for the evening and were safely in bed. I could swear with some abandon now. I quickly realized that this job was going to require a trip to Home Depot. But first I figured I would set about preparing the wall pipe for it's new tenant. Since the house is 40 years old, the copper pipe in the wall is soldered to the connecting pipe attached to the J-trap on the sink. This means, at least in my head, that this is a perfect situation for using my blow torch....mmmmmm, fiiirrre.

I sparked up the blow torch and set to work. I found it takes a while to get that shit moving. I also found you get bored when waiting for solder to, well, to unsolder. I turned my head and was looking around and smelled something burning....it was the vanity. I had set the fucking vanity on fire!! The best part is that I had shut the water off to the sink. So there I was scooping toilet water on to the fire. My wife came flying in and the first thing she says to me is, "why didn't you just turn on the tub faucet and take the water from there to put out the fire?", then she laughed shook her head and left me in the bathroom, soaked with toilet water.....

Well, the rest is academic. It took two trips to Home Depot, two attempts to stop new leaks, and untold amount of crap for bathing the bathroom and myself in toilet water, not to mention a charred vanity cabinet.

Lessons learned:
1. Regardless of how much shit is under the vanity never, ever comment about it....ever.
2. Mildew removers don't like dark colored clothes.
3. 23 hair care products are not too many to have even if I am "bald like a monkey's ass"
4. Every job around the house takes 10 times longer than you think it's going to take.

and finally....

5. NEVER, EVER let your wife see you extinguish the flaming vanity with toilet water.

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It was like that when I got here....I swear.