Cheshire

Hi all. I'm recently out of a long term relationship, so I've been spending a fair amount of time alone.

Twice this past week I've been approached by men significantly older than me, who start up a conversation on a pretext, and then proceed to ask rather intrusive questions for someone they've just met. i.e. the whereabouts of where I live, how often I frequent that particular computer lab, both of them happened to ask as well whether I felt "vulnerable" or scared walking home alone at night.

Now I try to expect the best out of people, but I do not want to have these sorts of encounters anymore. So what's the best defense against creepers?

How do I cut short the conversation or stop it from starting in the first place?

Plan9

Several tactics I've seen used:

- A fake wedding band when you're out and don't want to be hit on. Only works for women. Few times I wore a ring women were all up on me.
- Work an imaginary boyfriend into the conversation. You could suggest he's a bipolar ex con with a violent verb name.
- Straight-up honesty often works. Don't be timid. "I'm busy and I don't feel like talking right now. Sorry."

I'm a 55+ black male, so you might want to have some TFP ladies chime in for better answers.

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"You should not drink... and bake."

KirStang

PEPPERSPRAY!

:P

Or. Use earbuds. I've been able to avoid awkward situations by pretending to listen to my iPod.

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Seaver

Unfortunately being young and attractive is a fishing net... not a spear.

You'll drug up all sorts of non-wanted attention, but you'll also get the occasional tuna. You can do all those things stated to help prevent creepers, but you'll also stop a lot of quality guys I'm sure you'd love to talk to.

Instead of the wedding band/etc, just be blunt that you don't feel like talking or even don't feel comfortable about it. They'll get it.

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Plan9

Whoa... did you just use tuna in a dating analogy?

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

raging moderate

guys can definitely be overly aggressive for no reason. I'm on board with the honesty piece. but be gentle yet firm- you don't want to make an old, lonely man angry. just seems like a bad idea to me. if it were me, i'd think saying something like 'wow, funny, you look just like my dad!' etc. may do the trick.

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Willravel

Just do what I do: get REALLY religious.

"Hello, it's nice to meet you. Have you ever read the Book of Mormon?" Devout Mormons don't drink alcohol or caffeine, so it's a good line in bars and coffee shops to scare off people who can't read your non-verbal "leave me alone" language.

Plan9

Good call. Hmm, I'd imagine that line doesn't work well in the Bible Belt or if you're wearing a less-than-conservative outfit.

Is this going to turn into an anti-date rape thread? If so, I should include a random picture of an appendix carry push knife.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Cheshire

Thanks for all the advice! Another friend of mine clued me in to the fake wedding band idea, so I'll definitely give it a go.

I don't really feel comfortable carrying pepper spray or knives.

Both times I *was* listening to music with earbuds, so I am thinking I need to get some of those huge, imposing headphones to re-enforce the "don't disturb" message.

And I like the Mormon idea, though I'd have to study up a bit on their beliefs so as to be more convincing.

And I'll just have to be more assertive and rude to people, I guess. The more bad experiences I've built up, the more I'll be able to cut the conversation short, I think.

I swear these guys have a sensor for people that are sad and lonely and take advantage of that. :/

Anyway, thanks for the advice! I will check back in if I get the chance to put any of it to good use.

jewels

They do.

I'm a big fan of sarcasm and if it wasn't 4:30 am would likely come up with some witty comeback. The only problem with that route is they'll think you're a total bitch.

Best approach would be honesty. Something like, "I don't think I know you well enough to share my personal stuff, but thanks for your concern."

I'm not sure about the wedding band ploy. Why should you have to protect yourself from words? Show your strength with honesty, a better way to go.

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Plan9

Layers of protection, Jewel. Be firm with your words, use Go Away props like headphones or wedding rings, move to and keep yourself in a place with others and have the means to defend yourself if said creeper acts a fool. "Showing your strength with honesty" is fine, but we've all seen enough Lifetime Movie Network flicks to understand how those situations can quickly go afoul. I'm not a woman so I'll never know how it feels to be porn-goggle'd by some Dirty Old Man, but I do know several of my female friends have been sexually assaulted because they lacked levels of defense.

I apologize for derailing the thread with what has been referred to as the misandrous "tin foil panty liner," but hey... said shit happens too often.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

animosity

Men do not pay attention to wedding bands. It is not that they do not care about the sanctity of marriage, it is that they do not see the wedding band. Guys do not look at womens hands. Just print up a T-shirt that says, "If I am interested, I will approach you... now fuck off"

If you do not feel safe--you may want to consider a gun purchase and some firearms safety training.

My wife gets hit on all the time. A couple of weeks ago she was buying a pregnancy test and some old(>50... sorry I know it is relative and I mean no offense) man started hitting on her. At one point he started fishing for her age by mentioning that my wife looks like she is in highschool.... I guess he likes to pick up loose girls at the drug store.

No one hits on me... I guess I need to start wearing my ring again.

bagatelle

Don't know if it works for men and women the same way. Women do notice the ring or the absence, it makes them curious either way, whether they would be looking for company or not. Men - if they seek for company and like what they see, they don't care about the ring, I think.

It would be fair to say at this point, that I don't remember anyone hitting on me lately unless they had so many drinks, they lost their ability to evaluate.

I haven't worn my ring for years, this must confuse people at work. They would just like to hear juicy gossips, how my married life could in fact be less happy than theirs.

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kramus

Another bid for honesty. Tell Old Dude that "I appreciate your concern but it is misplaced for reasons I don't go into - you understand how it is these days. Thanks. Now if you'll excuse me I have this train of thought I'm following . . ." If they persist, interrupt them with a raised hand, and say "Please, it's not you but a trend in society. I really am sorry. You have to excuse me." and turn firmly back to your task, ignoring any sarcasm or hurt squawking that Old Dude emits.

I must admit as a 50+ male that this thread told me it's a good thing I tend to be quiet in public and speak only to sales clerks and fellow dog walkers. Life is dangerous these days. I could get shot, pepper sprayed or disemboweled if I chat with an easily spooked stranger. That said, I don't see myself wanting to wear a protective t-shirt that reads ''I am already in a hot relationship with a beautiful younger woman, so unfortunately you'll have to go fuck yourself."

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KirStang

Can't help being facetious.

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Plan9

Ugh, I knew somebody was gonna push the "women are hyper-vigilant / old men are demonized" angle. Dude, nobody said you can't be friendly. And, given your age, you've been around long enough to know there is a huge difference between idle conversation to pass the time and some dude trying to play pick-up artist with cheesy lines and sweaty-palm inneundo. Plus, given the number of sexual assaults based on the UCR+NCVS stats, the women that aren't a little cautious are living in a friggin' fantasy world. I'm going to be an "old man" in a few years... I'm trying to avoid the "dirty" part.

As with all things... you can be carefree all you want if you're willing to pay the price for what happens when you're caught unprepared that *one* time.

I always sound like DK in these kinda debates. I'm really not paranoid. I don't make my girlfriend wear a handgun and a GPS anklet. I don't freak if she says she was approached by some dude at a bar / club / party. I just think that all the above crap is an important part of this discussion because of the bad things that have happened.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

kramus

Plan, I've been evil-eyed and told to piss off for commenting on the weather. I've been shoulder-bumped for opening a door. I am willing to be as casually friendly as the next guy, but some of the advice given makes me realize that I might have been getting off easy. A spooked woman's reactions that could be facilitated due to ready access to chemical weapons, knives or a concealed-carry could be nasty especially to a well-meaning and rather benign fellow like myself. Not sure if I'd go so far as to say I feel demonized but these days I sure think twice about smiling warmly at the young ladies while I'm out and about just to reduce the ick factor.

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Plan9

Well, uh... chicks can be dicks. People are assholes regardless of what type of meat product is positioned in their pants.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

animosity

You make it, I'll buy it.

bagatelle

Do these men know, you are not in a relationship? Is there any chance they might actually be concerned about you getting home safely?

I don't know how old you are, but I've become more open about any age men (or women) wanting to communicate. After spending so many years at home, it's nice to talk to other people than just family members.

Now that I'm past 40 and realizing the older woman in the mirror IS me, I've become more oblivious about the age of my conversational partner. Again, since I don't know your age, I don't know, what you consider 'old'. I remember thinking at 17, everyone over 20 is old... At 25 I shared an office room with a man 8 years older and I disliked, when he mentioned us being around the same age...

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jewels

And the props would have saved these women from assault? A Magnum would be more of a prop recommendation then, but only if there was a sense of danger. It didn't sound as though these guys are stalking her or following her home.

Chances are these guys are just testing the OP's reaction. If she appears defenseless, most likely they'll continue. I stand by bitch tactics. Turns the libido down to simmer level.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

animosity

I do not get hit on because I weigh 20 lbs more than when I got married... Which is also why I no longer where my ring(doesn't fit).

noodle

You know, I have a similar problem, but I think it's because I tend to make eye contact long enough to make sure that the shady ones know I could pick them out of a line up and I keep the strongest legal pepper spray available on my keychain. It's next to my USB drive, so when appropriate, I pull out my keyring, remove the USB drive and lay it all down where they can see it. With a big effin' grin on my face and then I go back to what I was doing. The harmless ones will usually chit chat a bit and leave. The ones that were more inappropriate have all left immediately. Therefore, they knew that what they were doing was making me uncomfortable.

I actually had a guy in a bar once tell me all about his last spearfishing expedition and in the process stab me with his index finger above my heart. It took a bartender stepping in immediately to stop that confrontation because he almost got bitch-slapped.

For those who do not respond to polite rebuffs, then I do feel it's okay to say something or get a little more defensive.

However, I always thank people for opening doors, saying hello, etc.... I also like the way it unnerves grumpy people when you smile and tell them to have a great day.

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bagatelle

Same reason I don't wear mine, it was really hurting in the mornings, when the fingers were more swollen. I haven't bothered getting a bigger ring.

My husband has not worn his for ages either, he's car mechanic and had to take it off while working, so he gradually didn't put it on at all. It probably doesn't fit him now either.

Re the topic of 'significantly' older men: that young boy, they once were, is still inside. I like talking to older men and seeing that boy, the person regardless their age. It's not like becoming old would mean, you become creepy - maybe I've only met the better examples.

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Shadowex3

Headphones. Don't even listen to anything but headphones are AMAZING people-repellant.

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Zeraph

What you do, is tell them with a deadpan face, that you are a ninja and part of a clan of ninjas and if you told him anymore you'd have to kill him. but be serious about it. I say out creep the creepers. Scowl the whole time. Never crack a smile.

You could also go the demonic/I worship satan route. Tell them you're a satanist, that you've received a demon inside you, and you let him loose when you feel threatened. Then describe how he particularly likes the artery in the neck because it makes such a nice blood spray. Again, be all deadpan, never crack a smile Tell him your coven is looking for sacrifices if he's interested (then have a fake address on the off chance he buys it...)

Another good one, that I've seen my aunt use (she's just like you attracts a lot of creepers) is to pretend to be batshit insane. She starts talking to someone that isn't there and includes them in the conversation. It even creeped me out a bit and I knew she was faking.

Or just tell them your boyfriend is a navy seal and he's very possessive. Look around all worried like, like he might be right behind him. And say you shouldn't be seen near each other.

There are so many fun choices

But whatever you decide to do, just practice scowling in the mirror. Practice the deadpan "Prison face".

Plan9

How does an extra large condom help here? Unless it's a taunt that they won't be able to fill it.

...

It's clear that I've derailed this thread with nutjob self defense talk. I apologize everybody.

If I was a girl, I'd be forced to hang up my tits and walk out as a androgynous action figure.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

MSD

I don't think this is accurate considering that's one of the first things I look at when I consider approaching someone.

KirStang

Yep. I'm always checking people's hands for wedding bands too.

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LazyBoy

Start the conversation off with "Well life can be difficult because I have a penis"

-Will

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Plan9

Likewise. I'm always check for the ring.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Jove

You could just nod your head, look in a different direction, and walk away from the conversation. Or as others here have suggested, wear headphones.

ironpham

The best creeper defense is a good creeper offense. Perhaps mention an awkward fetish that you may or may not actually have. There are tons of good ones out there. Do you like to poop or pee your pants in public? Do sneezes turn you on? How about miniature people (not like midgets but like a regular person being shrunken down to a few inches tall)?

I was typing this out as a joke, but looking at it now, I don't see how this can fail.

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Shadowex3

I don't know about Cheshire but where I live it is not entirely unpossible for you to have the misfortune of mentioning some awkward and/or disturbing fetish to someone that HAS said fetish.

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Plan9

Man, I miss dating.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

EventHorizon

fuck that. i just dont have the energy these days to play games anymore.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by canuckguy Pretty simple really, do your own thing as long as it does not fuck with anyone's enjoyment of life.

Plan9

But it's like hunting with my genitals while hidden under a ghillie suit comprised of gentle smiles, etiquette and carefully crafted conversation.

...

I think the title "creeper" is really kinda horrible in that it's a catch-all for any man that may or may not actually be older / physically unappealing.

I'm using drunk logic, so why can't we just label every girl with an extra ten pounds a "fattie" and start a thread about keeping them at bay?

Old age is the other fat/broke.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Fremen

Ask him if he minds being the first to try out your new penis.
Or ask if he'll mind holding your colostomy bag clamp while you root around in your purse for wipies.
Be creative with it, have fun creeping out the creeps.

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