Xazy

This is something that has personally bothered me a lot. When you walk down the street someone with a disorder, a disfigurement, some disease, a huge growth, something I automatically feel repulsed by. I try not to judge someone by something like that, you talk to them and it is hard not to look not to flinch perhaps.

With our baby we had a test for a disorder the other day something my wife carries I do not, but you automatically test for it. Thank G-d as we assumed and everyone believed she is fine nothing, but you want to test just in case. This brought this topic again to my mind, these people for the most part had no choice about these looks, and they have to live with them. I am sure they get this response from other people and probably not everyone can hide it (I try my best to never let it show).

I have no real answer or thought how to change your response except to get to know the person, get used to seeing people who look different, and tell myself over and over in my mind how to behave properly.

I wonder do other people think about this?

Glory's Sun

was it cystic? my wife is a carrier for cystic so yeah I had the test done..

anyway. We're all visual people. We're going to notice when a person has something that is "abnormal". I generally don't stare or freak out and if the person approaches me I'll be nice and talk to them like I would anyone else. However, I've learned that one thing you don't want to do is seem like you're patronizing that person. They seem to have this chip on their shoulder that they are just like everyone else so if you seem overly nice they get offended. Whatever.

Xazy

Yes was cystic, and she had a very low score on the sweat test, so all is good and in the clear, thank god.

Reese

Something different attracting your eyes isn't a flaw and doesn't make you a bad person, or at least that's what I tell myself. I knew a guy that came in where I worked and he had a port-wine stain covering half his face. It was hard to adjust because If I didn't look at his face, I felt he thought I was trying not to stare but when I looked at him while I talked or listened I felt like I was staring. I just try to get more used to it and it serves as a reminder that I'm not a perfect person..

__________________
“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry

jewels

In high school, I was close with someone who was facially disfigured. (Her face had been virtually destroyed when her family was killed in Vietnam.) She taught me that what hurts is when people are so repulsed that they look away or try to shield their children from the "trauma" of seeing her. She prefers someone looking and asking questions, as opposed to being treated like a leper.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Lasereth

I can't believe people actually shield their children from physical abnormalities. How fucked up is that! I look at people with physical abnormalities just as I'd look at anybody else. To me they're just another person.

This girl on TV sorta got to me though: http://wbli.com/images/morningshow/l...face_tumor.jpg I saw a documentary about her. It was truly sad. IIRC they got a bunch of doctors from around the world to reconstruct her face after the growth was removed pro bono.

blahblah454

Wow Las thats kind of frightening. Its hard to imagine that the human body can even physically grow like that. It would be hard thats for sure.

Personally most things do not bother me, I realize that it is not their fault and they don't need another person being an ass to them. One thing that does bother me though is extreme obesity. We are talking the absolute upper range, where people can no longer walk any distances due to becoming physically exhausted and where they do not fit anywhere due to their size. That I am repulsed by.

snowy

I grew up around my maternal grandfather, who was crippled in an accident when he was 2 or 3 (he fell from the top of a slide at a playground). He spent a number of years in a full body cast alone in a hospital in Seattle, far from his parents, while the doctors tried to fix him. Despite being a cripple, he had a very adventurous life--when he was younger, he ran away and joined the circus, tended bar for his dad in one of my great-grandfather's taverns, and told the craziest stories about goings-on in the taverns. A lot of people weren't willing to employ someone like my grandfather, and this was long before the Americans with Disabilities Act. His own parents refused to send him to electricians' trade school because they thought he couldn't do it (and they absolutely had the money to do so). He totally could have done it. He never believed he was handicapped, and he always believed he was capable of doing what any other man could do. When my mother was a little girl, he worked three jobs as a janitor to make ends meet, cleaning morning, noon, and night at various doctor's offices. Finally, he got a job as a janitor at Boeing, started making good money, and actually was able to retire quite comfortably. Above all else, he taught me that people with disabilities are no different from others, and he also taught me that a great number of people who are disabled don't see themselves as such. They are fully capable, intelligent, beautiful people--and they deserve to be treated as such.

Yes, they absolutely know why people recoil from them. And they pity anyone who does so, believe it or not. I pity people that treat them this way too. They're missing out on a chance to know some of the best people I've ever known. But Xazy, you are right--the more you get to know them, the easier it is to not think about them as being disabled or different, because once you know them, it's easy to think about what makes them special and your friend instead.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Glory's Sun

I see your point, but kids don't understand social boundaries. so when a kid see's something like this they point and start asking questions.. which usually embarrasses both the parent and the person in question. So I could see why some parents would do this.

girldetective

I was just thinking of this topic yesterday. My very unusual friend J was telling me the other day that he met a woman in his neighborhood coffee shop that he is somewhat interested in. These are the things that he likes: 1) she is a medical doctor; 2) she has never practiced medicine; 3)she has cerebal palsy. For him, her disorder is a plus.

Last week I met a phd resident who is all fucked up physically. He is in a wheelchair, has extremely limited use of his hands, and is all atwitter with ticks and goofy faces (but not tourette's). I wondered if he would ever be able to go into private practice because of the distraction of his disorder. However, when I thought about the hurdles overcome, I thought what an inspiration he could be.

It always comes down to the person dont you think? Peculiarities can be found anywhere, inside or out.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

Willravel

I'm troubled be people who can help their condition but either are emotionally unable to or for some reason think it's okay.
Case in point:
Scary link to Madonna

Those who cannot help their condition get nothing my sympathy. Being repulsed by those who are physically malformed is something people generally get over when they know people afflicted and understand it's never an accurate reflection of who they really are. I also personally see it as a sign of maturity, but that's just me.

Martian

Questions are better than being treated like a freak. I think most folks are fairly forgiving of children who transgress such social boundaries precisely because young children don't generally understand the need for such inhibitions. The adults who make an issue out of all proportion to the actual disability are the ones who tend to be more offensive, despite (or perhaps because of) trying so hard not to.

My 'disability' is not visual in nature, so I don't have to deal with this. On the other hand, I am very open about it. I have no problem answering questions or clarifying things, although I do occasionally have to disclaim that some of the symptoms and side effects are things that are not generally considered polite conversation. Sympathy grates on my nerves, because it makes me feel as though I'm somehow less of a person. It is frankly degrading, and I can't even imagine how much worse it would be if my abnormality were on display for all to see.

Of course, those who know me are aware that I have been dealing with people with disabilities for most of my life, so I'm perhaps more accustomed to such things. Had I been more sheltered it might be something more remarkable to me, but for the most part I find that aside from an initial acknowledgement and occasional situations where I am conscious of potential issues or hazards (wheelchairs and steps, for example) I am able to disregard such things.

Frankly, I find those with disabilities or disfigurements to be generally much more courageous and virtuous than the general population. They know that they're different, they know people react to that first, and they do the best they can to deal with that and be okay with it. This is my experience.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Glory's Sun

How do you explain something like this to a 2 year old? They can't understand it. They simply see something different. Sure a person will probably forgive a child for it, I was merely pointing out the reason a parent would do it. They don't want to have to deal with seeing their kid point to someone and say "your face is weird". :shrug:

I had to take care of a disabled grandmother when I was little. So yeah I understand all the things that go along with both sides.

snowy

I have a friend who is very good at addressing the questions of little kids--she would much prefer that a child ask a question and learn about her disability instead of staring. She asks them if they have seen the movie Finding Nemo, and explains that like Nemo, one of her "fins"--her hand and arm--didn't develop correctly. She is open and honest with them about it if they have further questions, but usually that explanation is enough.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Redjake

I have nothing to add but a quick story about my family: one of my relatives is very protective of her children to the point of them being flat out sheltered. one day, she took her first child to the mall for the first time. I think she was 4 or 5. she started crying hysterically upon entering the mall and hid behind my relative. she asked, what's wrong with those people?? are those monsters??


she was talking about black people.


I think not being repulsed or uncomfortable around others not like yourself can be fixed by simply being around those who are different more often.

that was the first time she had seen a black person before and she was scared because their skin was dark. I wonder if you were around others with actual deformities all the time, you would become used to it?

Cynthetiq

this thread reminds me of the Twilight Zone episode "The Eye of the Beholder"



That episode along with a couple cousins with hairlips helped me understand that it's no different than having different colored hair or skin. It is what you came in to the planet with or by some reasons of fate ended up with by incident or accident. Either way people are people.

It doesn't help me much when I still mentally recoil from those that look diseased or infirmed. I understand that it is a biological function of survival to feel that way and it passes without much thought.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Punk.of.Ages

When I was 13 I burned myself pretty bad. I had to wear a type of garment they call jobsts. (sp?) Basically, it was a skin tight shirt, and a skin tight hood type deal. It covered all of my head but my face.

Now, this isn't quite the same as a physical deformity, but it had the same effect. I know what it's like to be treated differently due to how I look. I didn't like it at all. I don't think there's anything worse than being pitied.

These days I don't wear the garments anymore, but the scars are definitely there, though they did migrate off of my face and onto my neck due to me growing up. I've accepted that random people that see me are going to think differently of me, but take ten minutes to get to know me and you won't even notice the scars because I don't make any kind of issue of them. I forget they're even there usually.

I, myself, don't look at anybody differently because of my experiences. I see everybody in this world under the same light.

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

mixedmedia

Usually by the time you know you're looking, they also know you're looking.

I usually just smile. Some eye contact and a smile can get you around most anywhere, I've found.
-----Added 31/7/2008 at 10 : 46 : 14-----
Also, I'm a big proponent of confronting situations that make you uncomfortable.

Most often they pop like a bubble and you wonder what the hell your problem was in the first place.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce