ngdawg

Quoted for truth. My cousin and I look alike and he's a he. Growing up, we'd get stopped and asked if we were twins....I look more like his father than he does...









Oh shit....

genuinegirly

I'm not sure if I can say anything that others haven't said already, but my two cents:

He should know that you love him.
22 is a mature age.
You can confide in him all the chaos that happened with his mother, then offer to have testing or not - as he desires. Tell him that no matter what you're still his Pa and that you love him, it just might be nice to know so he can have proper medical records.

Sounds like he knows that his mother is unstable, might not be a terrible shock to learn she was unstable then as well.

Sticking with "You're my son no matter what" is important, though.
Oh, and talking to him in person about this matter would be preferable to e-mail or telephone.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Lasereth

If I were you I would not get any test done and just go on the fact that there's a good chance he's your son.

A lot of people in the thread have said "OMFG just love him, he's your son regardless." That's easy to say, but if you feel something, you can't just extinguish it because you want to. If you feel different about him not being your son, you can't just suppress it because you'd be a bastard not to.

That's why I think not knowing is the best answer. I would treat him as my son either way but I would most definitely feel different about him if I found out he was the bastard son of a little cheating bitch.

Issmmm

Tooth, thanks for getting it.
I do love my son. Way back when, when I realized this was a possibility, I loved him and decided that whatever the truth was, he was my son. Nothing will ever change that. Our relationship is solid, on both sides.

But genetics do matter, for the reasons you mentioned.

The greater point is that he has the right to know. I never knew my own father. When I asked, I never got the answers I sought and it pissed me off.

Put yourselves in the kid's position. What if someone you loved knew something of magnitude and kept it from you for whatever reason?

IdolGirl

If he finds out, tell him the truth about how you feel...that genetics didn't matter, and you are his father, and he is your son..no matter what. If HE wants to find out the biology shit, then it will be HIS decision. I, personally, would not want to find out at that age (or any age) that the man I have loved and known as my father might not have been my sperm donor. That, to me, is irrelevant. I think I would understand him protecting me from a 'maybe' theory that could cause so much hurt and anger, possibly over nothing (if, in fact, the 'other guy' wasn't the father).

You know your son...do you think he would want to find out? Remember, this is still only a potential issue. That's alot of boat rocking over a maybe...

I wish I could help...it's a shit situation, no matter how you slice it. Just be sure you weigh all options before opening up a can of worms that can't ever be closed again, know what I mean?

Fast Forward

The big difference being that your relationship with your step-father was not based upon a deviant factor. "Genetics are overrated", you say. But you are in your late 20s. I don't know if you have any children. I do. Four, if you total them. I can say that "genetics" is a serious thing to a father, as I see it, and it cannot be compared to a woman whose motherhood is seldom contested.

I must confess that I am a romantic, and being so the subject of genetics may be more sensitive to me than to someone who is not romantic. Sex and romance go hand-in-hand from my point of view. Conceiving a child in a loving relationship actually means something to me.

I'm not saying that you are wrong to consider a relationship to step-children less important. I am saying that your footing is less stable once you've discovered that your mate has falsified and cultivated your relationship to that child and that that relationship can sour no less drastically than with a legitimate child who's caught in the turmoil of divorce for any deviant reason.

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Weak, unqualified people, Issmmm, are always looking for a quick, sure-fire way of detecting truth from fiction. I'm no exception and so this quote of yours smells of a rat to me, on your wife's part.
Sounds to me like your wife's a compulsuve liar who'll say anything to get out of a tough spot.


But on the very same token I'm suspicious of your own integrity on the subject when you say .....
I'm inclined to believe that you deserved one another.