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Old 07-31-2006, 07:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Substance abuse

I'm in a position currently where I found out tonight that one of the most important people in my life is back into abusing a substance. I knew that her history contained this problem, but didn't realize that it was going on right under my nose. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice as to how to approach this subject. I know that I cannot make someone help themselves, unless they really want to but this is really hurting me and I need to find a few options. If anyone knows any ideas as to what to do here, please let me know.

And before anyone asks since I left it out, it's cocaine.

(PS- I think this is the right place for this?)
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Old 07-31-2006, 07:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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There isn't really anything you can do except let them know that you and\or other resources are there to help them when they decide they are fucking up their life. It sucks, but it's just one of those things we can't fix for other people.
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Old 07-31-2006, 08:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Yes, sadly I know that, I just can't seem to accept it. Her and I got into a fight over something and then the next day (today) I learned about this problem due to some personal detective work, and I haven't heard from her to talk about this.
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Old 07-31-2006, 08:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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What substance is she abusing? I don't think all problems with drugs are equally serious. If it is just pot or something like that, maybe you shouldn't freak out.
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Old 07-31-2006, 08:33 PM   #5 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Quote:
I'm in a position currently where I found out tonight that one of the most important people in my life is back into abusing a substance. I knew that her history contained this problem, but didn't realize that it was going on right under my nose. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice as to how to approach this subject. I know that I cannot make someone help themselves, unless they really want to but this is really hurting me and I need to find a few options. If anyone knows any ideas as to what to do here, please let me know.

And before anyone asks since I left it out, it's cocaine.
Cocaine. =/
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Old 07-31-2006, 09:07 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toaster126
There isn't really anything you can do except let them know that you and\or other resources are there to help them when they decide they are fucking up their life. It sucks, but it's just one of those things we can't fix for other people.
And remember that _you_ have to define what help is, not her. If she starts to lose it, she'll tell you what she wants from you -- money, emotional support. All aimed at preserving her habit and her way of life. As an addict, of course, she's likely to lie like crazy.

But you have to give her what she needs, not what she asks for. You won't give her cash, but you'll help her get into rehab. You'll drive her to the clinic and go in with her, but you won't give her the keys to your car or take her word that she went there. Don't expect her to be happy about it.
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Old 07-31-2006, 09:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Her problem killed our relationship, and I didn't even know it was there still. It's closing in on our friendship, and I'll be damned if I let it take complete control over her life. I'm at the point where I don't care if I lose her friendship or any chance of ever having her as a lover again, I just want her to fix herself and strive to the potential that she is capable of. Life is such a bitch sometimes.

And Rodney you're correct and that's what I plan on doing, I'll help her by means of personally doing it, not expecting her to do it hrself.
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Old 08-01-2006, 03:32 AM   #8 (permalink)
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As someone who was hooked on the very same thing for some time, I can tell you honestly that no matter what you do or say will matter. She has to get close to rock bottom or slam rock bottom until anything you do will start to matter. My friends stuck by my side and made sure I didn't die, but everything they said was just another brick in the wall so to speak. I didn't care that I was hurting myself or them, I just wanted to feel good. Eventually, it will get to the point for her that it doesn't even feel good. It's just something that she does. When this point happens then you can edge yourself in. Just don't expect anything to happen suddenly. I never went to rehab and 2.5 years later, I'm doing perfectly fine. No real cravings or desires to do that again. In fact, I can joke about snorting up and it not really affect me.

It's a slow and frustrating process I'm sure. The key is to know when to really step in and when to just let the process happen as it will. Like I said before, when she starts getting to a point of not even doing it because it feels good anymore, step in and make an ultimatum. Find something she used to enjoy and take her out doing that.. it may just replace her current addiction with another healthier one.
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Old 08-01-2006, 04:23 AM   #9 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Well, things haven't been going well for her and even before we broke up she had confided in me that she hates everything about her life right now; I knew something was up when we just started fighting over stupid shit for no reason. I first have to get her to speak to me before I can do anything, even if anything includes just being there. I know that there is a current possibility of an ultimatum but I'm unsure as to whether or not I should take it. I say this because I could always go to her family and I know that they could force her into rehab, but that would cost us a friendship for quite a while. I'm so confused and yet I look for simple answers to a problem that is far from easy.

Son of a bitch.
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Old 08-01-2006, 05:52 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Right now, no one really knows, right? She can hide in that secrecy, pretend that everything is okay. It's when you take her out of that, force her to be truthful - whether that's telling her family, or friends, that's your call - it's a bit easier for her to see how much it's taken over her life. That would be my first step - making her be honest.
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Old 08-01-2006, 06:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Well I've talked with her in the form of email and she tried to beat around the bush, but she finally admitted that I'm right and we will be talking soon. I'll let everyone know how that goes, and I hope it's for the best. Thank you for the help everyone, and if you can share or add anything else please let me know.
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Old 08-01-2006, 11:07 AM   #12 (permalink)
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My ex husband was/probably still is a practicing drunk. I got a lot of help from the group Alanon. It is a support group for the friends and family member of alcoholics. They are an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonamous. They can help you learn how to deal with the conning, lying, manipulation, denial, defiance, etc. They help you take care of yourself by accepting that you have no power or control over the addict or the addiction. Some of them (the Alanon members) are sweet little old ladies, but some are teenagers with abusing siblings or parents. There are groups all over the country from major cities to my little home town in Western Kansas. Probably listed in your local phone book or ask at any alcohol or drug abuse treatment center. They saved my sanity and helped me let go and get out.
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Old 08-01-2006, 11:59 AM   #13 (permalink)
Psycho
 
One of my biggest things is I want closure. I want to know that this was exactly what killed our relationship, because it was something I never understood; that sounds selfish, but more then that I want her safe, I care about her and although I have my own intent, wanting to be with her again, I want her life in front of that, I'm at the point where I can live with not having her anymore, or possibly not even having her as a friend as long as she gets out of her hole and survives.
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Old 08-01-2006, 12:05 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Location: Ohio
I am sorry, but unless you cut her out of your life, you will be hurt. Even being supportive of other aspects of her life is somewhat enabling. Drop her a line and let her know that you are done untill she wants to get clean, and then you will help her. Then stick to it, it will suck, but it must be done.

If you decide not to follow my advice, make sure its not because you are a co-dependant person. Those personality types tend to get stuck in bad cycles like this.


Good luck.
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Old 08-01-2006, 01:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
Psycho
 
I understand that pain is something that will always be evident here; but I'm just scared that if she doesn't have support that she will end up dead. I may not be able to do anything for her, but I'll support her even when she isn't clean, I just won't be there to do things; I'll be the one that is an asshole, until she pulls her head out of her ass.

/vent off.

Well, she talked with me last night and assured me over and over that it isn't something she's doing all the time. I'm unsure as of what to believe. I was told that she thinks about it all the time now, and it's hard and she doesn't want to; and she's made up her mind to go back home where she used to live. I'm kinda in a corner here because I'm not sure as of what to believe, even if I want to trust her.
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Last edited by FallenAvatar; 08-02-2006 at 09:22 AM.. Reason: Automerged Doublepost
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