Relationhip Advice Needed (Long) - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

crxforum · 11-07-2005, 02:02 AM

Personally I hate these type of threads. I’ve never made one before and honestly thought that I wouldn’t ever have to make one but I seriously need some advice from some random people on this. Its kinda long so please bare with me and if you have some honest advice please help me out here.

Here is my situation. I’m 22 years old. I’ve had relationships in the past that have gone nowhere. You know the type of relationship I’m talking about. Where you are spending time with a girl to see where things go but that’s all you are doing. Trying to see where things are going without getting a definite answer. I’m a good guy. I always give people the benefit of the doubt in all situations and listen to both sides of the story before I make any conclusions. I do not judge people because that’s not my job to do so. Im usually the one that people come to when they need advice or need to talk because Im just that type of guy I guess.

I never take advantage of a girl ever, no matter what the situation is. I always do my best to be a gentleman to them and listen to them when they have something to say. I hear constantly, "I cant believe you remembered that. You listen so well." I pride myself on my ethics and morals and do my best to treat others with respect where respect is due and treat them the way that I would like to be treated if I was in their situation.

So now that you know about me here is my situation. Hopefully she is not reading this or nobody she knows is reading this. If you think you know who she is please do not tell her about this thread because I would like to deal with this on my own without the assistance of anyone else. I appreciate your understanding.

I met her amazingly enough at a car show earlier this summer. She owns the same car that I do and each year there is a large north east meet in Ontario Canada which many people attend. She flew all the way over from Europe to attend this show. I met her there and instantly knew that she was a good person inside from spending the day and night with her just chatting away. We talked for a while about cars, life and just things in General. I even let her drive my car around when we went for a cruise around the small towns in the area. She was just a great person to be around. When the show was over I said my goodbyes to everyone except her because I left at 5am and she was still asleep. I felt bad for not saying goodbye so I contacted a guy who knew her email address and I shot her an email apologising for not saying goodbye.

We chatted for about 2 months through email and I learned that she was coming to school about 5min from where I worked and like 15min from where I lived. I went and I picked her up from the airport when she arrived and spent that whole day getting her settled into her new room at University. I got her a TV, bedding for her bed, a telephone and picked up her computer with her. When that was all done I took her out to play some pool, which she kicked my ass at, and then drove her back to her place and gave her a hug and that was it.

Since then we have been spending a lot of time together and I have developed some strong feelings towards her. Due to some bad past experiences of girls I’ve had relationships with I’ve taken a lot of time to think about stuff. I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t deal with immature girls anymore. Its just not what I want out of a relationship. I really want a relationship where there is more of a mutual respect going on. One where being physical doesn’t just mean sex. Physical means sneaking up behind her and giving her a hug around her waist, holding hands, or just cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Being there for each other when we need to talk about stuff and being a shoulder to cry on when needed.

This might sound sappy and stuff but I just want someone who can be caring for me and myself the same toward them. I’m usually the caring one and the girl is great when Im there for her but when I need her there for me she just doesn’t seem to care and is only there because she thinks she has to be. If that makes any sense.

So about a month ago I took the time and thought about this long and hard and this girl really meets everything I want out of a relationship. Not to mention she is just amazing to be around. She is smart, funny, honest, playful, caring, respectful, and just great to be around. Also not to mention she is absolutely gorgeous. We get along so great. She is into cars which is my one passion and I can have detailed technical discussions about them with her and she is not patronizing me about anything. She knows exactly what I am saying and can give her opinions on what Im talking about and is very knowledgeable. She is 26 years old and seems to also be out of the whole 'screwing around with stupid relationships' phase.

So here is the situation. I have no idea if she has the same feelings towards me as I do towards her. I’m usually a really good reader of women but I guess because she is foreign (just kidding) or something I cant read anything about her. To give you an example of what I mean. We went to the grocery store and on the way there she was telling me about some guy who asked her out on a date and he was like 19 or something and how she was so much older than him and how important age is to her. So I thought to myself that maybe the 4 year difference between us is an issue for her. Then we get there and she asks me where the Sauerkraut is. I said, "EW! That stuff is gross. It makes you smell like rotten cabbage!" Just joking around like. She responds with "Well its not like I have a boyfriend to kiss after eating it do I?" saying it all flirtatious like.

So just that as an example she went from one end where age was important to her and then she tells me flirtatiously that she doesn’t have a boyfriend to impress or be non stinky for LOL. She also likes to go out and meet with my car friends when we all go out in a group for dinner and just chat about cars. There is usually like 30 people at once that go out in a group and just chat up about everything and anything, but mostly cars and she seems to enjoy it. One time she asked me after we were out with them at dinner, "Why does everyone think that we are dating?" I then replied with, "Well if they thought that, would it be so bad?" and she said "I think I can handle people making assumptions about me. I’m used to it. I just would like for them to ask me about something before they make something up." I took that as a "Hey they are saying we are going out and I don’t like them saying that" response. But then later that night when we were back at her place hanging out she asks me for my water and then proceeds to bust out her birth control pills and takes one in front of me. Then proceeds to root through her suitcase with a whack of condoms in it pulling them out, and only them out, as she goes through the bag looking for something and then puts them back in there. Fully knowing that I am seeing what is going on.

Now honestly people how the hell am I supposed to read that? First she says something that she doesn’t want people to assume that we are dating, then she asks for my water so she can take the pill and then whips out a whack of condoms while searching for something else. Either she doesn’t care that I see all of that stuff or it is some sort of message.

So anyways I came to the conclusion about a week ago that I am unable to read her and will need assistance in finding out if she has any feeling for me. So my friend Eric and I were talking about this and I asked him if he was able to find anything out for me. He knows her well and she knows him as well and they talk occasionally on MSN and such. So today he gets back to me.

Eric: Hey I talked to her.
Me: Give it to me straight Doc.
Eric: Well here is what she said. She says loves hanging out with you because you’re the only guy who doesn’t hit on her. So I asked her what would happen if you did hit on her.
Me: AND!
Eric: She says she doesn’t know. Right now she doesn’t want things to change.
Me: Well that’s pretty inconclusive.
Eric: Keep doing what you are doing. You are doing pretty good.
Me: Is that what she said?
Eric: Pretty much.

So then we talk about some stuff and then I ask him...

Me: So what do you think?
Eric: You have a chance I think.
Me: Ya adding I think onto the end of that sentence is not too reassuring.
Eric: It’s my impression that she likes you for sure.
Me: As a friend or more?
Eric: She doesn’t even know herself. She said you are the best thing that is going on.
Me: Did she say that?
Eric: In a few words yes.

So that really didn’t say much other than she really likes me as a friend. Possibly more than that, but I’m not sure exactly. Its like every loophole to go through to answer the questions definitively was used so that it could be left vague. Which is frustrating.

So what do you guys think about this? I honestly need some outside opinions on this because I can’t figure this out for the life of me. Any advice on this would be great and I appreciate you reading this and taking the time to hear what I have to say. I also apologise for it being so long. If I’m going to make one of these threads I better make it count.

Thanks again,
CRX Forum

NoSoup · 11-07-2005, 07:03 AM

Well, it's possible you aren't going to like what I have to say, but...

First of all, it seems to me that the obvious, albeit difficult, answer to your question is for you just to ask her. In my opinion, she probably likes you just as a very good friend - although that is based solely on the information above. I suppose, though, that I'm under the impression that if she does in fact like you, she would be mature enough to say something.

Secondly, I think you may be reading way to much into these hints and comments that she makes. Again, maybe I'm just going for simplicity here, but I would imagine instead of taking her birth control in front of you, she probably could just come out and say that she is interested in something more.

Unfortunately, I don't think your friend's comments sound reassuring when he talked to her.

Quote:

Eric: Well here is what she said. She says loves hanging out with you because you’re the only guy who doesn’t hit on her. So I asked her what would happen if you did hit on her.
Me: AND!
Eric: She says she doesn’t know. Right now she doesn’t want things to change.
Me: Well that’s pretty inconclusive.

Personally, I think that's pretty conclusive, and you may be reaching for any tiny ray of hope you can. I'm not saying it isn't possible she is interested in you, but to me it sounds like you are in "friend-mode" - where you may be stuck for a long, long time, vs her thinking of you as a potential boyfriend.

It just seems to me that she may be clinging to you because you do get along so great, you both have the same interests, and also because she just moved to a different country, and may need some support while she adjusts.

Either way, I'd think that instead of trying to interpret what may or may not be hints, it would just be much more mature of you to just be a man and ask her yourself - sending friends in to gather recon data isn't quite the same, my friend

I would bet that there is a 99% chance that she knows that you like her, which means that she is either not interested in persuing you as a boyfriend, or she is waiting for you to make the first move. However, maybe some TFP ladies can provide more insight...

Hopefully it all works out for you - good luck, and keep us updated!

MEAD · 11-07-2005, 07:45 AM

He's going to ask her and she's going to say, "I don't know." This just happened to me, man. Don't worry about this girl, she seems like shes good for the long haul. Be her friend, find some other girls to date and let your relationship develop naturally with out the pressure of dating. If you really care for her that much you won't want to ruin it by putting pressure on you two working out. I don't understand women at all, but perhaps she sees that you are a really good person for her and if she dates you she wants to be really sure that it will work so she wont lose you in the end. It's a defensive move. This could mean that you will never date or that you might get together and have a great realtionship. Whichever it is it wont be soon. The best thing you can do is not worry about her a get interested in someone who's clearly interested in you!

NoSoup · 11-07-2005, 07:57 AM

She certainly might say I don't know, but hopefully she'll give a bit more information than that.

I just don't really think that a true friendship can be formed when one perosn is always going to be hoping/wondering if the other person wants more. At least if he were to ask her, he'd have some frame of referance as to what he should expect...

11-07-2005, 02:02 AM	#1 (permalink)
crxforum Crazy	Relationhip Advice Needed (Long) Personally I hate these type of threads. I’ve never made one before and honestly thought that I wouldn’t ever have to make one but I seriously need some advice from some random people on this. Its kinda long so please bare with me and if you have some honest advice please help me out here. Here is my situation. I’m 22 years old. I’ve had relationships in the past that have gone nowhere. You know the type of relationship I’m talking about. Where you are spending time with a girl to see where things go but that’s all you are doing. Trying to see where things are going without getting a definite answer. I’m a good guy. I always give people the benefit of the doubt in all situations and listen to both sides of the story before I make any conclusions. I do not judge people because that’s not my job to do so. Im usually the one that people come to when they need advice or need to talk because Im just that type of guy I guess. I never take advantage of a girl ever, no matter what the situation is. I always do my best to be a gentleman to them and listen to them when they have something to say. I hear constantly, "I cant believe you remembered that. You listen so well." I pride myself on my ethics and morals and do my best to treat others with respect where respect is due and treat them the way that I would like to be treated if I was in their situation. So now that you know about me here is my situation. Hopefully she is not reading this or nobody she knows is reading this. If you think you know who she is please do not tell her about this thread because I would like to deal with this on my own without the assistance of anyone else. I appreciate your understanding. I met her amazingly enough at a car show earlier this summer. She owns the same car that I do and each year there is a large north east meet in Ontario Canada which many people attend. She flew all the way over from Europe to attend this show. I met her there and instantly knew that she was a good person inside from spending the day and night with her just chatting away. We talked for a while about cars, life and just things in General. I even let her drive my car around when we went for a cruise around the small towns in the area. She was just a great person to be around. When the show was over I said my goodbyes to everyone except her because I left at 5am and she was still asleep. I felt bad for not saying goodbye so I contacted a guy who knew her email address and I shot her an email apologising for not saying goodbye. We chatted for about 2 months through email and I learned that she was coming to school about 5min from where I worked and like 15min from where I lived. I went and I picked her up from the airport when she arrived and spent that whole day getting her settled into her new room at University. I got her a TV, bedding for her bed, a telephone and picked up her computer with her. When that was all done I took her out to play some pool, which she kicked my ass at, and then drove her back to her place and gave her a hug and that was it. Since then we have been spending a lot of time together and I have developed some strong feelings towards her. Due to some bad past experiences of girls I’ve had relationships with I’ve taken a lot of time to think about stuff. I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t deal with immature girls anymore. Its just not what I want out of a relationship. I really want a relationship where there is more of a mutual respect going on. One where being physical doesn’t just mean sex. Physical means sneaking up behind her and giving her a hug around her waist, holding hands, or just cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Being there for each other when we need to talk about stuff and being a shoulder to cry on when needed. This might sound sappy and stuff but I just want someone who can be caring for me and myself the same toward them. I’m usually the caring one and the girl is great when Im there for her but when I need her there for me she just doesn’t seem to care and is only there because she thinks she has to be. If that makes any sense. So about a month ago I took the time and thought about this long and hard and this girl really meets everything I want out of a relationship. Not to mention she is just amazing to be around. She is smart, funny, honest, playful, caring, respectful, and just great to be around. Also not to mention she is absolutely gorgeous. We get along so great. She is into cars which is my one passion and I can have detailed technical discussions about them with her and she is not patronizing me about anything. She knows exactly what I am saying and can give her opinions on what Im talking about and is very knowledgeable. She is 26 years old and seems to also be out of the whole 'screwing around with stupid relationships' phase. So here is the situation. I have no idea if she has the same feelings towards me as I do towards her. I’m usually a really good reader of women but I guess because she is foreign (just kidding) or something I cant read anything about her. To give you an example of what I mean. We went to the grocery store and on the way there she was telling me about some guy who asked her out on a date and he was like 19 or something and how she was so much older than him and how important age is to her. So I thought to myself that maybe the 4 year difference between us is an issue for her. Then we get there and she asks me where the Sauerkraut is. I said, "EW! That stuff is gross. It makes you smell like rotten cabbage!" Just joking around like. She responds with "Well its not like I have a boyfriend to kiss after eating it do I?" saying it all flirtatious like. So just that as an example she went from one end where age was important to her and then she tells me flirtatiously that she doesn’t have a boyfriend to impress or be non stinky for LOL. She also likes to go out and meet with my car friends when we all go out in a group for dinner and just chat about cars. There is usually like 30 people at once that go out in a group and just chat up about everything and anything, but mostly cars and she seems to enjoy it. One time she asked me after we were out with them at dinner, "Why does everyone think that we are dating?" I then replied with, "Well if they thought that, would it be so bad?" and she said "I think I can handle people making assumptions about me. I’m used to it. I just would like for them to ask me about something before they make something up." I took that as a "Hey they are saying we are going out and I don’t like them saying that" response. But then later that night when we were back at her place hanging out she asks me for my water and then proceeds to bust out her birth control pills and takes one in front of me. Then proceeds to root through her suitcase with a whack of condoms in it pulling them out, and only them out, as she goes through the bag looking for something and then puts them back in there. Fully knowing that I am seeing what is going on. Now honestly people how the hell am I supposed to read that? First she says something that she doesn’t want people to assume that we are dating, then she asks for my water so she can take the pill and then whips out a whack of condoms while searching for something else. Either she doesn’t care that I see all of that stuff or it is some sort of message. So anyways I came to the conclusion about a week ago that I am unable to read her and will need assistance in finding out if she has any feeling for me. So my friend Eric and I were talking about this and I asked him if he was able to find anything out for me. He knows her well and she knows him as well and they talk occasionally on MSN and such. So today he gets back to me. Eric: Hey I talked to her. Me: Give it to me straight Doc. Eric: Well here is what she said. She says loves hanging out with you because you’re the only guy who doesn’t hit on her. So I asked her what would happen if you did hit on her. Me: AND! Eric: She says she doesn’t know. Right now she doesn’t want things to change. Me: Well that’s pretty inconclusive. Eric: Keep doing what you are doing. You are doing pretty good. Me: Is that what she said? Eric: Pretty much. So then we talk about some stuff and then I ask him... Me: So what do you think? Eric: You have a chance I think. Me: Ya adding I think onto the end of that sentence is not too reassuring. Eric: It’s my impression that she likes you for sure. Me: As a friend or more? Eric: She doesn’t even know herself. She said you are the best thing that is going on. Me: Did she say that? Eric: In a few words yes. So that really didn’t say much other than she really likes me as a friend. Possibly more than that, but I’m not sure exactly. Its like every loophole to go through to answer the questions definitively was used so that it could be left vague. Which is frustrating. So what do you guys think about this? I honestly need some outside opinions on this because I can’t figure this out for the life of me. Any advice on this would be great and I appreciate you reading this and taking the time to hear what I have to say. I also apologise for it being so long. If I’m going to make one of these threads I better make it count. Thanks again, CRX Forum

11-07-2005, 07:45 AM	#3 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	He's going to ask her and she's going to say, "I don't know." This just happened to me, man. Don't worry about this girl, she seems like shes good for the long haul. Be her friend, find some other girls to date and let your relationship develop naturally with out the pressure of dating. If you really care for her that much you won't want to ruin it by putting pressure on you two working out. I don't understand women at all, but perhaps she sees that you are a really good person for her and if she dates you she wants to be really sure that it will work so she wont lose you in the end. It's a defensive move. This could mean that you will never date or that you might get together and have a great realtionship. Whichever it is it wont be soon. The best thing you can do is not worry about her a get interested in someone who's clearly interested in you! __________________ Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die. "That's it, send out the ninjas!" "So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

11-07-2005, 07:57 AM	#4 (permalink)
NoSoup Non-Rookie Location: Green Bay, WI	She certainly might say I don't know, but hopefully she'll give a bit more information than that. I just don't really think that a true friendship can be formed when one perosn is always going to be hoping/wondering if the other person wants more. At least if he were to ask her, he'd have some frame of referance as to what he should expect... __________________ I have an aura of reliability and good judgement. Just in case you were wondering...