blizzak

I have a question, a question which has been plaguing me for perhaps a couple of years now. It all dates back to a situation which happened to me in first year university. Me and two friends became involved as a friend with a girl which we met through all the first year fun(she was in second year at the time). A sort of mock contest arose in which we all were wondering which one of us would bang her first.

Of course, all three of us had different feelings and different kinds of relationships with her at the end of first year, and it turned out that she and my friend seemed to fall madly in love. However, I question how they first got together. What basically happened was he raped another girl supposidely because he was missing her and because she left a party we were having with some friends. Afterwards as the shit was hitting the fan, since we were all friends, she was trying to help him remedy the situation. After nights of me not understanding what the hell was going on and the two of them having totally hard times towards eachother(him saying he hated her because she was taking things too slow, not showing affection), they were finally together as boyfriend/girlfriend. But I always questioned his intentions, as I cared for the girl a lot too(in fact, the 4 of us all live together now, after all this).

Ever since he first met her (one time before the start of university), he "wanted" her in one way or another. When my other friend got close to her on several instances and she allowed him to, he got so distraught and resentful. The other thing is she is/was quite the promiscuous one before they were together, and even over the christmas break when things were supposidely developing more between them, she was dealing with another guy. In ways, them being together has been good(she finally stopped staying up all night and having insomnia), and they seem to love eachother a lot, but I can't help but wonder how the future fares. How much do the conditions of getting together have an outcome on the relationship?

I'm not trying to rain on anyone's relationship or say that people got together for all the wrong reasons, I'm just wondering how these initial conditions affect the course of a relationship. For my girlfriend and me, we knew eachother as friends for about a year before I asked her on a date(after we started getting really close), and about 3 weeks later we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. I cherish her still to this day(1 year at the end of this month). We had our rough times(especially her going through a bad breakup before me and her old boyfriend cheating, etc), but I never got as malignant and vicious as my friend did. I'm wondering what either of them would do if they broke up with eachother now(and what this current situation of living together will/is doing to them...)

So, any thoughts on my question? Perhaps you can all post your stories of how you got together/met, etc. and it'll be more messed up than the one I have divulged, and i'll have some closure that it's impossible to judge relationships at all.

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Acetylene

sounds to me like this guy is a total dickweed--rapist malignant jerk, in other words. And any girl described as "promiscuous" is not ready for a real relationship. Doesn't matter what circumstances they met in, until they grow up nothing will be right.

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blizzak

I just want to bump this one to get more opinions. It sucks that thoughts of this whole problem still plague my mind, and I continue to make it a problem in my life. Maybe I have to move out of my house at school...

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snowy

A lot of people would have given me that label, true or not, before I met my SO. I was a self-described player. I liked men, I knew I could have them, I went after them. While nothing beyond some highly sexual flirting ever happened, based on what other people saw, I would have been labeled promiscuous. Most people, when I tell them "my number" are shocked (that it's so low, btw).

So let's recount the night I met my SO, in all honesty. We met at a bar. We were both there for the same show. I was very, very drunk. I was introduced to a table full of guys by an old friend of mine's girlfriend. I promptly sat down and began flirting--with all of them. When one of them got up to buy me a drink, I turned to my-now-SO and started flirting with him. He responded. At first he didn't think much of me (a friend walked by and I slapped his ass, etc) but when the second band started playing, I made a few sly comments about the quality of the music (asking him, for instance, if they would ever decide if they wanted to sound like Weezer or the Rentals, and was the lead singer really trying to be Rivers Cuomo or Matt Sharp) and eventually asked him if I could buy him a drink somewhere else. He took me up on the offer.

A lot of people (including some on these here boards) doubted we'd make it--we moved in with each other 2 weeks after we started dating. But everything just seemed so natural...we just fell into place with each other. We fit. And we've been together for almost six months now.

My parents met on a blind date. His parents met at a college party.

Circumstances of "getting together", in my mind, have little to no impact on the outcome of the relationship. If anything, it's a fun story to tell your grandkids later. "I met your grandpa in a bar, and shit was I wasted!"

Now, as for the guy in question...he's a whole other thread...

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blizzak

let me add - that it was not a brutal rape or anything. They passed out in a back room together after she was conforting him. He says she took off her pants(it could have been while she was dreaming), she says she woke up and he was going down on her unwarranted and she was horrified. She never said the word "yes", so in my mind it still falls under rape. Everything else is quite true however.

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Rodney

I dunno. If you look at two people and they seem to be getting on well together and seem to be good for each other -- well, what more is there to say?

I know of a relationship where a woman decided that she wanted another guy who was happily in a relationship with someone else. And she cold-bloodedly did everything she could do to break up that relationship. Some pretty nasty things to the other woman, who was a pretty nice person. And the aggressor woman married her target and they've been together for 20-odd years and seem pretty happy. Maybe she's got some bad karma coming, but it hasn't arrived yet.

I guess there is one valid question: if the couple you're talking about both behaved badly in the past, how well will they cope when a time of stress arises in their relationship? That is a question; if their relationship has become important for them, maybe they'll value it enough to work hard for it and avoid damaging it; or maybe, they won't be able to.

It all comes down to character, which is I think the heart of your question: do people that treated others this badly have the character for a successful relationship. Well, people can change for th better, but the only real advice I have is:

Stay tuned..

Toaster126

That's doesn't mean he's a rapist. Unless, of course, basically every sexually active male is a rapist.

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