visotech

I found this on the net, thought I'd post it as advice, as well as for criticism from the ladies

40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.



2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to
extinguish
the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.



3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you
rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.



4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.



5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.



6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.



7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
start paying them some attention.



8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask
her
to take the damn things off.



9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.



10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along

side of the clitoris.



11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they

plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep

going at all costs, numb jaw or not.



12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant
present,
not a kid's toy.



13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.



14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there
than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried
away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of
her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her
and see if she likes it.



15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.



16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of
buttons.



17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.



18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can
do
is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly,
with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.



19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach,
the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
seconds.



20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites
of
her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.



21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina.
At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
interest while you're playing Marathon Man.



22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, don't ask



23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
down
there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.



24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about
three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.



25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes
it.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
what's
necessary.



26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.



27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over
them.
In real life, it just means more laundry to do.



28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
all
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.



29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being
drunk
is an excuse.



30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the
words"__to
show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.



31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
honey
on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all
handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.



32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.



33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a
Romanian
gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.



34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they
have
a prostate. Women don't.



35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the
neck,
if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and
jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.



36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big
turn-on.



37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line.
If
she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know



38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and
she
might even do the same for you.



39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.



40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a
soup kitchen.

Daniel_

There's a good response thread HERE

May not be safe for the very prurient...

chickentribs

41) Assuming lists like these can begin to cover the small quirky turn-ons and turn-offs of individuals. An aggressive partner would shun much of this list. They left off the most important tip - Ask her what she likes and how she likes it! Talking can be great foreplay!

__________________
Oft expectation fails...
and most oft there Where most it promises
- Shakespeare, W.

maleficent

The responses are pretty good - however this one has long been a pet peeve of mine..

22 ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.

Her answer:
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask
His Answer:
Don't flatter yourselves. Some women just sigh deeply. Or, at least, she told us she was coming when she did that.

There's a difference between a sigh and an orgasm. She's right.. .if you can't figure it out... don't ask... you really don't want her faking now do ya?

__________________

LoganSnake

Those are hilarious. And the guy's responces are very true also (then again, I'm biased).

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ngdawg

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

^^This had me laugh out loud!! For years, I have been telling him, " I am NOT a radio!"
Great list-it should be copied and stuck in every man's wallet.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

vanblah

I've been with women who love to have their breasts and nipples yanked, twiddled, squeezed and bitten. I've been with women who love DIRECT pressure on the clitoris - hard pressure.

This list belongs in Humor not Sexuality.

KinkyKiwi

thats hilarious!
i especially love "29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT."

hehhehee...

__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

iamabanana

I think whoever wrote this has never had sex or gone through foreplay with a woman. I agree that it should be in humor

Rinndalir

Yeah half of that list doesn't apply to my wife either, she sometimes likes gentle lovemaking as that list suggests. But usually she WANTS to be fucked hard, have her hair pulled, her nipples and her neck bitten, her ass smacked, tell her how dirty she is, come on her tits, etc. She likes it a little rough. She also likes it when I don't shave. It's good generic advice but you can't take it as gospel.

black94lt1

Time to play the back 9!

Willravel

Likewise, the penis is not a stick shift. We have a lot more than 5 or 6 gears, and none of us are automatics.

snowy

Oh my goodness. Yes, this has to be taken in humor as there are some points I disagree with--I like having my nipples twisted (however, having my breasts squeezed is a no) and bitten, I like love bites, I like being spanked. And my vagina IS where it's at--I'd rather be fingered than have my clit stimulated.

I HAVE experienced the guy who tries to accidently slip it to you in the ass, so I thought that one was particularly funny, as is the Marathon Man reference. That was a lesson I had to teach my last lover--not all women want you to go an hour. Some women, like me, prefer it fast and hard...give me five minutes of down and out fucking over an hour of tepid humping any day of the week.

__________________
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TexanAvenger

/me copies, pastes, shrinks, and slides it in alongside the social security card

Demeter

Except for some personal preferences, I would say this is dead on. I have one of those men that thinks playing with my nipples & clit like they are a combination lock will open the door to my orgasm.

__________________

I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

Astrocloud

I would say that for every single thing that displeases one woman -that there is another woman that likes that same thing. Therefore the answer to all these "mistakes" is quite simple -dump her.

MSD

I've always thought this list was a load of crap based on one person's personal preferences. How about this?

#41: If you can't figure out what your partner likes, you're either completely incompatible or not trying hard enough.

If you ever lose your wallet or get mugged, your credit rating is fucked.

Sweetpea

Interesting list, some good points Visotech!

I'm gonna have to disagree here . . . as in another thread when i mentioned this and the other women agreed with me . . .

a simple . . . "oh my god, thank you baby, you were amazing, i love being with you" is considerate and makes your partner feel appreciated.

Sweetpea

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qtpye4u84

I agree with some and I don't mind some of the others.

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wolf

This is hysterical, and I feel for the most part, true.

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Arsenic7

For women.

Rule number one:

Don't make your man feel like he needs to be a tantric master to please you.

And when he makes any of the above mistakes don't belittle him, show him how things need to be done.

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This is no sig.

mokle

I guess #29 covers the 'shocker' too huh

Funny list, some good points

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Mokle
"Your hands can't hit what your eyes can't see" -Ali

Daniel_

You mean it's NOT?

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minyn

what a great laugh! some are true, we all have our pet peeves and for me, it brough back memories of mediocre lovers and trying to figure out what the hell we're doing when i first discovered all this stuff. #2 just hurts like hell , and a lot of them i laugh becuase i've been left with bruises (on a lot of places no less) and the other ones that border on funny probably have been somethign i did laugh at in bed, but hey, if you cant have a sense of humor in the mistakes in life and love,then what do you have?

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~A3 "woke up this morning"

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kutulu

I didn't see anything about donkey punching so I guess that's a go..

ruggerp11

I almost always thank the person I'm with, I get weird reactions to it sometimes but usually its just a laugh/chuckle and a you're welcome...Thank you!

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Do What makes you happy
--Me
BUT!
"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

Locobot

rofl

This list pretty much condones a spontaneous hot carl on the first date as far as I see it.

MEAD

This just goes to show how needy girls are. Guys have one rule: No teeth.

__________________
Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

cellophanedeity

*laughs*

I like a lot of these things... biting, hot wax, occasionally very very light oral sex, and I like being thanked.

A good "Thank-you love, you give great head" can make me want to continue sometimes.

Gamer90

Gotta add farting to the list, it's a big no no haha.

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Sage

Communication, makes it happen, communication *talking together!*

So, is Dirty Sanchez in or out?

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ktspktsp

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

Ah, the sock gap

From the TV series Coupling:

Suave

21, 29, 36, and 40 are hilarious. This looks like it was written by a British person. The dude's answers are even more hilarious.

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hrandani

Man, that got a laugh. Because hot carls are always spontaneous. Rofl.

lobosrul

HAHA, thats one of the best "Jeffisms" the "sock gap".

Coupling is maybe THE funniest show of all time.

If your an american, like me, try and get BBC-America on cable, if not find that show on DVD.


[I]
Jeff: "When you first see an attractive woman, you've got a nudity buffer of maybe, 5 minutes before you've fully worked out what she looks like naked."
Patrick: "A whole 5?"
Jeff: "Well, you've got to assess her nipple type, that takes time."
Patrick: "Good point."

Elphaba

Do the squelchy?

Ilow

the original is good, the response is freakin hilarious!

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MSD

It's kind of under 29, but there's realy no element of pretending it was an accident, so I guess it's fine.

In case you can't tell, I still think that it's ridiculous to try to make a list that fits everyone.l

blahblah454

Man those guy replies are great, I have long wanted to make a reply list to these things, and he pretty much said what almost every guy would say.