I can never give him enough, and it's depressing me.
 

So nwlinkvxd is obsessed with sex. He never stops wanting sex. He says he is addicted.

I, however, do not like sex as much as he does. More properly said, I pretty much do not like sex at all. It is painful, burns, and I cramp in the stomach sometimes. I HAVE TRIED LUBE AND FOREPLAY. Even if I have an orgasm before, it still hurts a lot of the times. And hence, I don't like having sex as much. I am also tired a lot- I work in the early mornings (4:30am-5:30am) on weekends, and on weekdays, I wake up for school at 6:30 am. This also affects my lack of sex drive.

Basically: he wants sex so much, and I can't provide enough. I am getting horribly upset/depressed, to the point where my self-esteem is plummeting any time he brings up sex. If you read through some of his posts about our sex, they are all negative. It HURTS.

What should I do? How can I want sex more? How can I stop it from hurting so much (except for obvious answer of already-tried lube and foreplay)?

I am answering this from the other person's side as I am the one who craves sex all the time and my partner doesn't. My boyfriend is more to me than a penis. I love him, I want to be with him. He's more important to me than anything else, especially sex. Why am I tell you this? Because I am sure nwlinkvxd feels the same way. So when you feel upset, depressed, or like your self-esteem is plummeting, just remember this:

You are more to him than a vagina. He loves you, he wants to be with you. You are more important to him than anything else, especially sex.

:icare:

Very seriously, sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

What about giving him oral or handjobs? Is that a viable option?

Otherwise, he needs to rediscover masturbation.

Have you had very open conversations about this? The reason I say very open is because sometimes it can be hard to be completely honest, even with a loved one.

Also, sex should not hurt like that. Unless you are pretty petite and he is enormous, have you had a pap smear recently? I'm not trying to say this will fix your sex issues, but you should do this for your health.

If you are not as into sex as he is (aside from the potential health issues), be upfront and tell him. What he decides after that is his choice. You cannot choose for him, he has to decide what is ultimitely more important to him and you should not feel guilty for his choices. I am a big proponent of everything on the table, everyone aware, and everyone accountable for their own choices.

He must care deeply for you, I've seen some of the things he says in chat and that did not come from a selfish, sex-driven man.

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Yeah, coppertop, read his ridiculous signature. :snort:

Also, when it comes to oral, my jaw ACHES because it takes SO damn long- maybe I'm just not good at it. I can barely get my mouth around it, and if I try to put it all in my mouth, it hits my gag reflex.

Handjobs...I dunno, I don't think I could ever get him off that way, now.

You've mentioned the pain during sex before, and the response you've gotten has been the same. Go to a doctor and get yourself checked out. Pain during intercourse isn't normal and can signal that there might be a problem (This is not said to worry you, but it's said out of concern for you)

Is your lowered sex drive normal, or is it a recent phenomenon? ie has something changed in your life recently, ie new birth control or new medication that's changed it.

Your family situation is also adding a lot of stress in your life, which will affect your sex drive, you need to find it in you to get away from that.

He's asked you to marry him. You... The person... To spend the rest of your life with him... The rest of your life includes life outside of the bedroom, ya know, the good times and bad times... He is supposed to love you for the bad times to and the times where he's not getting as much sex as he'd like.

You can learn how to "get him off" with a handjob, if you want to.

Well, jerking off 3x a day is going to desensitize anybody. Stop whacking it bro, and you'll be more sensitive to her touch - oral or otherwise.

Exactly. A little restraint (or in your case, a LOT) will go a long way. It's a quality vs. quantity issue. For example: I'm not one for receiving oral, but after a week of nothing - it doesn't take long.

It's not that he doesn't come quickly. It's that he never stops wanting sex. I just can't keep up with him. He masturbates in order to appease himself.

This seems to indicate otherwise. If he masturbates less, he'll come faster when you go down on him. If you can please him more orally, he'll need less vaginally or from himself. This should help everyone.

By the way, how old are you guys?

Nearly 19 and 20.

That explains much. He's young, he's horny. I was the same way. Albeit without the same readily available porn access. Hopefully he'll cool his jets in the coming years.

I live in San Jose also, strangely enough.

This is a difficult situation, though. He is relying on me for any sex because he and I are engaged! I don't want to be the bad wife that only has sex once a month or something.

If he stops jerking off so much, the sex will feel better. At least it does for me. Hopefully then he'll need it less or you can cover the remaining times orally.

It all comes down to his self control. Curbing a healthy 'sturbing habit can he hard, I know, especially for someone his age. But it'll pay off in the long run. See if he can go a day without it. Then two, then three, etc. This should help with the time it takes for him to come form oral. Which in turn will be easier on you physically.

I don't want him to have to stifle himself though. I think this is MY problem, not his. It is healthy for a guy his age to be horny like that, and it is NOT healthy for me to dislike it so much. I just wish I were like the majority of the girls on this site that love sex so damn much.

I think what doesn't help also is him complaining publicly about this issue between him and you.

I know if my fiance came on here and talked about our sexual problems, knowing I would read it, it would cause a great degree of distress on my part.

I don't want to offer any advice to you on this mearly because after reading his journal and your posts I think that the two of you should stop talking over the message board and start talking to each other.

I am not trying to be mean, but in this situation that is where the solution lies. You guys really need to sit down face to face and have a serious discussion as to what is happening between you two. More then just sex is at stake here.

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That's the problem- WE DO. We do ALL THE TIME. It is only AFTER we talk that we end up posting here! :(

Maybe this is just an impossible cause. Maybe it will just take time and effort. Maybe this will end after all our major stresses are resolved (family, work/school at same time, and distance!).

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If he's that big, your vagina might just be small. My roommate's vagina is tiny and all but the smallest men hurt her. Try getting some dildos that graduate in size and spend a few weeks gradually working on your tolerance for a larger object inside you. During this time, I wouldn't recommend you have any sex at all since the irritation will make you tighten up again. If you don't mind anal you can give him that during this time. Or, while you're at the sex shop, get him his own vibrator and masturbate together until you're ready to accept him inside you again.

Ok, just to clarify something, masturbation does not necessarily desensitize the penis to sexual stimulation. It may be that way for some people, but not everyone.

Ok, from your description of nwl..... I have a WHOLE lot in common with him. I happen to masturbate quite often(2-3 times a day if I can, sometimes more), I have a VERY active sex drive, and I have a SO that is not very interested in sex.

So let me just say this: "WANTING A LOT OF SEX IS NOT(always) AN INDICATION OF A LACK OF LOVE!" It does not mean that he just sees you as just a vagina.

I love my girlfriend more than anything else in the world, including my self, and as an extension of that, I want to express my love to her. This in my mind, is not limited to words and favors, but intimacy as well. It is possible this is the same with nwl... one of the reasons he wants sex so much is because he loves you, not because he sees you as a sex object.

If I recall correctly in some of your other posts you have mentioned that your on certain meds, if I'm wrong just ignore or correct this part. So, if I'm remembering this correctly, your on some meds that effect the sex drive. This could be one of the reasons your not very interested in sex, it's pretty much the same way for my girlfriend. And sometimes, although not all the time, when we try making love, it hurts for her, despite foreplay and plenty of lubrication. I believe this is connected to the whole med and sex drive thing. Sex is not just physical, it's also mental, and if your not mentally in the mood, it can cause your body to react negatively to what is normally positive stimulations. Such as causing you to be unconsciously tense and unable to relax when he enters, painfully stretching you.

A post of instant message discussion:

[18:23] fanatique 2004: to you, sex is just a necessity now, not a preserved gesture of love
[18:23] fanatique 2004: see what im getting at at all?
[18:23] fanatique 2004: its why i touch you
[18:23] Nwlink Vxd: sex is a human necessity
[18:23] Nwlink Vxd: everyone is supposed to want it all the time
[18:23] Nwlink Vxd: to keep the population growing
[18:24] Nwlink Vxd: it's how we're bulit
[18:24] fanatique 2004: YEAH EXCEPT WE ARE NOT CAVE PEOPLE ANYMORE
[18:24] Nwlink Vxd: built
[18:24] fanatique 2004: and we are not trying to build the population
[18:24] Nwlink Vxd: that isn't what your brain says
[18:24] fanatique 2004: you control yourself with pissing dont you?
[18:24] Nwlink Vxd: what?
[18:24] fanatique 2004: you dont just go pissing all over everything or on yourself
[18:24] fanatique 2004: so why should you just have sex when you get the urge, even if its primal?
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: because pissing doesn't feel good, and sex does
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: i'm tired of waiting all the time
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: hoping that i might get it
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: being disappointed sometimes and relieved others
[18:25] fanatique 2004: its the pressure that freaks me out kevin
[18:25] fanatique 2004: sex shouldnt be about relief
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: i want it all the time. it's how i feel.
[18:25] fanatique 2004: it should be about consensual love.
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: you can't give it to me all the time, and i understand that.

I have done ALL that. I have three sex toys. I have put the vibrator inside myself many many many times in order to try to stretchmyself or make internal stimulation more pleasureable. I have given him anal on several occasions (which is doubly as painful, but yes, it's pretty erotic).

I'm just wondering if you've done it in a systematic fashion, several times a day, without sex messing things up. If yes, then your man is just out of luck and he needs to be content with getting any at all; and frankly, he should be ashamed for trying to guilt you into anything painful.

And yes, I have before, once a day (can't do it several times because I share a room with my sister/ house with family). nwlinkvxd is typically gone for two weeks at a time, so I don't have sex for that period of time.

I don't want him to have to be "content". I hate being a sexual screw-up. I want to have good loving wonderful sex, that he and I can both enjoy, and that I won't complain about or turn him down.

Who says you are a sexual screw-up? Is that coming from you or from him?

Well, that response blows my theory up. I hope you two can work this out.

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It's coming from me. I feel I don't do enough for him. I mean, I've put up with painful sex for awhile for him, and I know it's not all THAT selfish to want to feel pleasure while expressing my love for him. I've seen a doctor for a pap smear, and nothing down there is wrong, or so it's been shown. I just wanna know some way I can get over this pain and the fact that I can't be internally stimulated at all.

"Sexual screw-up" is awfully harsh for something that is, if not common, not completely uncommon. Sure, in general, sex is a huge thing for most people. You're obviously not like most people (something we appreciate), but there're plenty of people out there for whom sex is just not all that huge a deal.

nwlinkvxd, while sex is, and will remain (I'm sure), a huge deal to you... And keeping in mind that all I really have to go off of is this thread, it doesn't seem really fair to go about it like this. You can see the effect it's having on la petite moi, is that something that's really worth having sex so much? Having a huge sex drive myself, I understand the seeming "need" to have sex at every turn, but it seems a helluva lot harder on la petite than you.

I dunno... I don't want to lecture, and I can't really pretend to know how to "fix" the problem, but I hate to see obvious problems from both sides of the board, from those that I know to be good people... :(

Back to the original question, have you been to a doctor to rule out any physical reasons for painful intercourse. Have you talked to a doctor about this?
Have you considered some sort of therapy to rule out psychological reasons for this?

1.) Been to a gym for first pap smear and physical check up; nothing wrong according to her.
2.) I've CONSIDERED therapy, but frankly, I am very afraid to go about spending all that money for some doctor who is just doing their job.

At this risk of offending both of you... I'll bring it up anyhow...

What about couples counseling? You two have made a committment to spend the rest of your lives together. Sex is going to be part of that life for a long time. You both deserve to get what you want and need, and right now you are both on opposite sides of the fence, maybe a third party to help you sort it out.

Are you planning to marry in a church? Maybe even talking to a minister as the neutral third party would help.

No offense taken, and frankly, I've thought about it. Money is a huge issue, and I don't think either of our families would do much but laugh if we asked for money for counselling. We are both non-religious.

Also, we would both have to be in town together in order to get couples counselling. As you know, he comes home on weekends, and typically, doctors' offices are closed on weekends.

What is your birth control method? Sometimes that can kill a woman's sex drive.

I've had good luck with zestra:
http://www.zestraforwomen.com/aboutz...lications.html

(I didn't use it for sexual disfunction but rather more complicated kinky reasons.)

I would rethink that first statement, when you know she reads ones like the last.

Love isn't about fucking rabits, its the act of sacrificing for somebody else. If you're hurting LPM this much, maybe you need to remember that while you do have the urges of primal man, your concious mind and intelligence are on a higher level of thinking no?

Unfortunately I have no advice for LPM because anything I might say I've already seen suggested...nwlink the only thing I can really say is if you love her, controlling your own urges for the sake of making LPM feel alright with herself, is the best way you can show it until you guys figure out a happy median, or you age a bit and lose some of that crazy sex drive. I'm 20 too and I don't even jerk off more than twice or three times a week tops...2-3 a day was like when I was 13 and had to tuck a boner up in my pants whenever a period ended in middle school.


Good luck guys.

Dude I am sorry but you are going to have to accept this... for the time being at least. One thing that keeps running through my mind is that you have to grow up.

I know the urge to want to fuck constantly. But the fact is that you have to CONTROL that urge and take comfort in yourself b/c your spouse/significant other will not ALWAYS want it when you do. Sorry man but you have to come to terms with this.

You have to respect her and her bodies needs. If you can't there can be no relationship... IMO. This obviously is a two way street, she tries to fullfil you with handjobs (b/c the bj route also doesn't work for her) that means she is aknowledging your needs. Now... I quote "Handjobs are also wildly inefficient. I would rather jack off because all hands basically feel the same." This comment is just sickening. I am glad that you appreciate the efforts she takes to please you.

You are still very young and in time you will come to see that you can't always have it your way. You can date 1000's of girls and I doubt you will find one that wants to sex it up as much as you... b/c as a male we always want more. Always.

Again all I have to say is that with LPM being so open with everything that she has said can you not SEE how this is affecting her? You HAVE to respect where she is coming from.

(Round and round I go.)

Go to your gynocologist today. Sex shouldn't hurt, shouldn't burn, shouldn't be uncomfortable.

I have been to my gynocologist when I was having the same troubles. I finally really decided to get a pap smear for that reason. Nothing wrong, when she checked.

For the burning symptom, that could be a lot of different things, I'd specifically mention that to the doctor. A pap smear will only show specific things, if you don't bring up concerns, they do go untreated because the doctor doesn't know to look for them.

the burning could be a latex allergy -- are you using condoms? Did you have the burning while you were on birth control and not using condoms? Try switching to lambskin or latex free condoms. There are also instances I've read about where the burning is caused by an allergy to semen. But I'd think you'd notice that if he ejaculated on your somewhere.

We have used condoms and it just intensifies the burning. I'm not allergic to his semen because he comes on my body all the time. I typically feel the burning...I'd say...7/10 times we have sex. Typically, its more of a bruising feel, like we've been having wild rigourous sex (when we really haven't).

Have you thought about a second opinion? If your regular gyno says that there's nothing wrong and it STILL hurts and burns, that makes me suspicious. I think I remember reading that you're currently on depo? My wife was on it for a while and her sex drive went through the floor. Mabye a diferent brand of the pill?

nwlinkvxd, welcome to the real world of women. Many, if not most, get very little pleasure from vaginal stilulation. It's a fact. It's the odd one that gets anything out of ordinary thrusting, and one in a million who can cum from it. I've been married 16 years. Not once in 16 years has my wife orgasmed from the "old in-out." She comes from oral, from masturbation (with or without a vibrator), but never from penetration alone. Sometimes she craves having me inside her if she's real worked up. But no fireworks from it.

It took me a long time to accept this fact of life. But now that I have, my wife enjoys sex more, and she orgasms regularly-- almost every time we go at it-- from oral or from our toys.

Don't fret about masturbating while LPM is in the next room. It's no big deal. I masturbate, and so does my wife. It doesn't demenish our sex life. It's separate from what we do together. We are both okay with that.

Have you every listened to the radio program Loveline, with Adam and Dr. Drew? I recommend you both listen to it together. The "problem" of women not cumming from fucking comes up often on that program. It's quite ordinary, especially among young women (less than 27).

LPM's pain and discomfort during sex needs to be addressed. How long has she had pain during intercourse? Did she have pain before the two of you started having sex?

She must go to another gyno for a second opinion. Pain is nature's signal that something is wrong. She's got something wrong. If you use rubbers, she could be allergic. If you use the pill, maybe she needs a different kind. Maybe she's got an infection, or an STD. Most likely it's something very easy to cure.

Sorry, Aladdin, it made me laugh when you brought up STD's. nwlinkvxd is the only person I've had sex with. :lol:

I have listened to Loveline. Always used to when I was a kid. Great show.

I have had pain since I started having sex. It really hasn't subsided.

Switch to a non-latex condom... see if that helps. Latex allergies are pretty common and burning is the sensation felt.

But I'd also concur on the second opinion. Write down all that you are feeling before you go to the doctor. She/he is often rushed and you need to be a little assertive in getting your problems addressed. By writing them down, you won't forget them.

Sorry LPM, I didn't mean to offend. Just trying to think of the possibilities.

So if you listen to Loveline, you should know that penetration isn't every girls favorite activity. Stop being so hard on yourself.

How long ago did you start having sex? It takes time to adjust to it. My first girlfriend hurt for a long time before she started to enjoy it.

Once again, I say you should get a second opinion from another gyno. Did you tell your doctor about the pain and burning? What did she tell you to do? Any suggestions?

I do need to go to the doctor's but it's insanely hard to motivate myself. I find myself exhausted at the day's end when there is school and work and my family's shit to put up with. I just don't motivate myself enough to truly fix it, I guess. I'm just too lazy. ( God dammit, I'm one of those kids I freaking hate.)

We started having sex....around 18 months ago. So a year and six months? That's awhile, I think.

About penetration, it's not that I'm being hard on myself. Its just I REALLY want to have internal orgasms, because I have read how mindblowing they are. Also, I don't wanna always have to use my vibrator or finger to slowly get myself off. I wanna use his body to get myself off, in essence.

Oh, and you didn't offend...it was just funny. :)

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My recommendations:

1) Get another opinion from a different OB/GYN, and specifically mention the issues you encounter while having sex.
2) If you are uncomfortable with that, maybe call that sex show on the Oxygen Network, with Su whats-her-name. She seems to have useful advice too.

You are not alone. Others have had, have, and will have this problem, so there are solutions, or at least explanations.

I seem to recall reading a post from you, LPM, that you used to be really horny before you started taking whatever kind of birth control you are taking now, but ever since you started it you haven't been horny at all. Let me say this:

Birth control can be a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE libido killer! If you want to talk to someone who has experienced the very same exact thing, PM my wife Sage. When she went on the NuvaRing her libido just absolutely tanked and she went from feeling like she didn't like sex at all to feeling like she wished she wanted to have sex more but still didn't to feeling like she wanted to have sex with me just because she knew it was tough on me to go for a long time without. And now that she got off the NuvaRing, guess what?

She wants sex ALLLL the time. :)

Seriously. Get some different birth control. Just try it for a while and see if it doesn't help you a LOT. Maybe even try getting off of it entirely. You've got nothing to lose; if you're currently totally un-interested in sex at all then taking birth control doesn't do you much good, now does it?

A lot of women don't like penetrative sex. A lot of guys REALLY like penatrative sex (I've yet to meet one that doesn't!) But you still have options to have you both come while trying to figure out how to get the penetration going!

LPD, When you give nwlinkvxd oral sex, do you try and put the entire shaft into your mouth, or just the head? I find that my gag reflex is a bit too strong to have my Love's dick all the way down my throat more than a couple of thrusts at a time, so I focus mainly on stimulating the head with my mouth. There's more nerves there, and you can use your hand and some flavoured lube (I suggest Oh My!'s cheesecake flavours) to work his shaft.

Then at the same time (or after, or before, or all of the above) nwlinkvxd can give you some clit stimulation.

Also, as Martel says, Depo Provera has a bit of a reputation for lowering libido, so you may want to try an alternate method of birth control as well.

YOU'RE ON THE DEPO! JESUS THAT'S FUCKING WITH YOUR HORMONES LIKE APESHIT!

/rant

Seriously, tho, hon, you're young, your body isn't done filling itself out. Don't fuck with it like crazy by going on depo- you're on a constant hormone high for three months straight. That's enough to put ANYONE out of whack, but you being so young, it's doubly so. Do some internet searches about depo and libido- you're not alone.

Go back to this gynecologist, list of problems/concerns in hand. Tell her about the libido killer, tell her about the pain, tell her about your psych problems. If she doesn't listen, or doesn't seem to care, tell her where she can stick it and keep searching for a gyno that DOES listen.

Do you guys end up using lube instead of your natural vaginal moisture? If you aren't getting too aroused then I'd imagine so- the burning could, in a great probability, come from the lube. I know that I've used some lubes that hurt like hell, but one that I REALLY REALLY like is O'My natural lube.

Thirdly, part of the reason you're being so hard on yourself is the hormones- they will fuck with your mind like no end. LPM- you're young, you owe it to yourself and your future husband to get out there and fix this! You CAN enjoy sex, you CAN have an internal orgasm, and you CAN get over this! It takes loving yourself, loving nwlinkvxd, and believing that you can overcome it. I know you can- I've done it myself.

PLEASE, LOVE YOURSELF AND GO GET THEE TO A GYNO ASAP!! Take your list, get it fixed! I'd bet $100 that it's the depo, and you can press me to that if it isn't! :icare:

Sage, what should I go on then?

Well, we've talked and talked and talked. And I guess we've come to a conclusion:

We stop having sex for however long. Next time I make the appointment to get my depo shot, I'll instead ask for the nuvaring. We won't have sex until I start my period and put the nuvaring in or whatever...And then hopefully that can fix things.

About the burning, I'm not sure what can fix that, but we still have lots of time to figure it out. At least if I have my libido back, it won't hurt as bad and I'll actually be more willing.

Just a thought, maybe there is some kind of desensitizing lube or something you can use to ease the pain? And while your having intercourse mabey your boyfriend can pay attention to your clit and thrusting at the same time (i know its hard, its almost like rubbing your tummy and patting your head at the same time), but it can be done.

So, I also have pain during sex, basically it's the exact same thing you have. The second gyno I saw said it was a condition where basically your vagina is smaller than usual. I can't remember the name...Portal something? Grrr.
Anyways, I've seen two other people since who haven't even mention this, and just checked for bladder infection and yeast infection.
Her advice was hydrocortizone cream, but apparently that is REALLY no good on the vaginal area, so I'm not sure why she recomended it...Unfortunately, it was through the campus medical center, so it's really hard to get the same doc twice.
Anyways, my point, if you go back to the gyno, ask about this condition. They should know what it is, but may not have thought of it right away.
My b/f and I have experimented with different lubes, they're not all the same, and we're going to try different condoms. The best lube so far has been ID. The non-latex were WAY worse because they're a little rougher than Trojan. I've heard Kimono is a good brand, so that's what we're going to try next.

You might want to check out Schneider's paper. Not sure if it applies to him or not.
http://www.jenniferschneider.com/art...disorders.html

It has some interesting things in it like the Assessment for Addictive Sexual Disorders if you answer 13 out of 25 yes then there's a 96% chance you are sexually addicted.

Sorry I can't summarize it more, its very long and Im very tired.

May i suggest finding someone with a less ravenous sex drive? Or at least, someone a little more tolerant of your sexual desires, or lack thereof.

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LPM, even if you do switch to a different birth control, Depo has fucked you pretty bad already so don't expect a change on the flip of a coin.

nwl ~ I cannot believe that you're cool with aiding in your girl feeling like shit.


I want to say, without sounding like a total bitch, that you guys DEFINITELY need to get this worked out BEFORE getting married, because divorce and breakups SUCK. This is a workable situation, but LPM, you don't need to make yourself feel like shit, and you do NOT need to let him make you feel like shit either. Go to a doctor, TELL THEM SOMETHING IS WRONG.

It would also help both of you, I'm sure, to keep at least SOME of your private life details to yourselves instead of using the internet to try to fix things. Less stress for both of you. :)

:icare:

You know, I had a situation like this with my gf. After a while, I just got fed up and told her that I wasn't going to view her as a sexual being (ie. try to get in her pants) until she could initiate sex with any degree of interest.

Funny thing, but she seemed to have snapped out of it pretty quick.

#1 the burning CAN come from the condoms.....anytime I use a condom thats latex I feel like somebody is holding a match up my hoohoo.

#2 I was 35 before I had an internal orgasm from fucking.....I could have them when getting fingered, but Dave was the first person that could do it from thrusting.

#3 Depo is severly going to inhibit your sex drive...it can make to the point where you dont even want to be touched...or so I've heard from other women....I'm luck that my BC doesnt affect my sex drive at all.

#4 I am small inside, very small...which dictates what positions we can do....I cant do doggie, I cant do sitting straight up, and missionary does nothing for giving me an internal (g-spot) orgasm. Have you tried experimenting with ALL the different positions?

I went to my gynecologist recently and finally was able to tell her that a lot of times I have sex, I feel that burning discomfort sensation - and it's always been like that. She told me that a majority of women feel this and don't talk about it. So at least rest assured that you're not alone. I still don't know what causes it exactly, altohugh she said it could be recurrent yeast infections, and also I have a small vagina. There's a thread in Ladies Lounge about yeast infections and what some of us extra-sensitive girls do to fight these symptoms. If you've had this feeling always, who can blame you for not enjoying sex? You shouldn't have to live with it. But it may be a complicated thing to sort out...also maybe a sexology consultation might help, even though it's just talking, it could help you get your sex life and relationship into perspective, and even provide you with advice on ways of minimising your discomfort, if all else fails. Rest assured also that here on TFP though we all love sex, we all have our own problems/hangups too. As for your boyfriend, he needs to change his attitude, obviously his pressure is doing you more harm than good, and that's a vicious cycle. Good luck with this...

You know, I really feel bad for both of you in this situation, and I'm rather dissapointed for all the crap people are giving nwlinkvxd. He's 20 years old, engaged to a woman he loves, and not only can he not get her to enjoy sex, in fact quite the opposite. I have to say I'd be frustrated beyond words ( and no pun intended there ).

la petite moi: I would doubt the depo is doing this to you... and all I can say is don't just find a doctor, but find one who's friendly and actually seems to care, and then explain the problem to him, you'd be surprised how much it can help. And, relax... things will take time, and most likely this problem won't last forever.

Leviathan why would you say the depo isnt contributing to the problem?

Get off the BC!!!! If you replace your names with me and my girls names...we would have the same story. Its the birth control. I'm willing to bet a lot on that. I don't see why girls dont understand that. If you don't get off of it, change it up at least.

It sounds like you two are going to be pretty miserable if you get married and this is still an issue. I believe he loves you, and you love him.....but it will drive him crazy which in turn will drive you crazy.

I'm 28 and still want it all the time. Still take care of myself anytime I get a chance. Things haven't changed from when I was 20.

Since my girlfriend doesn't realize how much her giving me sex once a month (if I'm lucky) is effecting our relationship, i'm going to a doctor and getting whatever they can prescribe to kill my libido.

nwlinkvxd told me last night "no more sex, period." It didn't "snap me out of it." This is not some joke I'm playing on him like a bitch or something.

PS: Everyone please read my last post, which states that I AM going to try getting off my current BC, and go on the nuvaring. ( I have to have some form of birth control because I'm taking accutane).

I've known several women, and a few men, who've had pain, or disfunction, or some other aversion reaction to sex, when they feel pressured, or stressed about it, or that their lover wants them mainly for sex. What can a lover do when their SO is having these sort of reactions?

Well, the good news is that enough cuddling love, without sexual pressure, will be helpful. The bad news is that it's a lot like dieting. You can't completely stop eating, but you have to learn to feel differently about food.

My guess would be that La Petite Moi has an inner feeling that she shouldn't be having sex before marraige; that her family would not approve or understand; or that having sex cheapens her. Whatever it may be, she has inner conflicts with being sexual. She probably doesn't known about them herself, at least not very clearly. But these conflicts cause her to feel pain, and other physical symptoms when she is sexual.

Her guy reacts in a typical male way, the harder it is to get, the harder he tries, ie. more is better. But that makes the situation for La Petite worse, not better.

I recommend you, nwlinkvxd, take a one month moratorium on sex, at least with each other, and just cuddle. Mostly, or exclusively non-sexual touching and absolutely no sexual pressure. You must show her that you love her, being with her, and would want to be with her even without any sex. And you need to show her until she knows that it's true.

La Petite, you need to contemplate, in a really deep way, what your inner feelings about being loved are, and what your inner feelings about being sexual are. I'm saying, I think your experiences indicate that you have not been true to how your really feel. So your body punishes you for acting false with yourself. A large part, and the essential part, of curing yourself, is to find out who you really are, and learn to be true to yourself.

If your man backs off, and gives you the space to just feel loved and cuddled, and does it long enough, you'll eventually begin to feel much more comfortable and confident about his love. As you feel more confident in being loved, you'll feel increased desire to express that love sexually.

But you have to build love first. This modern pattern of bed first and then see if a loving relationship develops, actually stymies both love and the deeper pleasures of sex. Not to mention what it does to the divorce rate. Our grandparents had some wisdom in their social behaviors. Nonsexual courting for a good while, to build affection and relationship, then a period of trying to remain pure until the wedding (many times they didn't succeed, but trying was a good thing) and a sexual relationship developing within the security and love of a lifetime commitment of marriage. It turns out that really good sex requires that deep trust and security of that kind of commitment. Is that what you'd really like? Maybe that's what your body is telling you?

I am sorry but from reading what you posted so far, you are just being too negative about the whole thing, many of us wake up that early to go to work and school and still have time for our men. It shouldn't be an excuse. I am not trying to jump at you, but I want you to know that satisfying someone in a relationship is a very important thing and especially when you say that you don't like sex atall, it's more than obvious that the problem comes from you and not him. Try something new, you don't want to have sex, it hurts and you don't want to do oral, it hurts your jaw, can you think of something else that can drive him wild? If you can, then do it, and if not, get comfortable and tell yourself that you want this and you will make it happen. The more you have doubts about it, the more it will be difficult for you. Also, was your sex drive always this way? Good luck with this.

Is he large? Could that be the reason for the pain?

edit because I can't spell, it's endometriosis and here's a link:
http://www.endometriosisassn.org/endo.html

Well you're trying to work it out, so that counts for alot. I've been in this situation before and yes it was VERY frustrating, but even more so because my ex was never interested in remedying it. Eventually I just gave up trying to get sex of any kind. It was a major factor in us finally breaking up.

Getting off the Depo should help in time, that stuff is about the worst form of hormonal birth control you can use, it has a list of side effects a mile long.

Have you been tested for endomitriosis? It is a very common problem in young women that often goes undiagnosed, they have to specifically test for it. Symptoms are the exact same as you described, painful sex, and sometimes pain when you're not doing it as well. Something like 1 in 4 or 5 women have it, but don't know it because they don't get tested for it, and its one of those things that only gets worse if left untreated. The pain intensifies and eventually it can impair your ability to get pregnant.

Good luck.

Ouch. A bit harsh, don't you think? A person gets on here, posts that they have a problem and are depressed from it, and your response is to jump down their throat and tell them to pretty much just get over it? Interesting.

And she is supposed to just tell herself to do it and what, that will make this all go away and she will enjoy it? I'm pretty sure the problem is a bit more deeply rooted than that.

Dale Kemp, excellent advice by the way. Been there and done that so I can say from experience it has the potential to help.

It wasn't always this way with you guys, was it? I remember right after LPM's 18th birthday, when she was reinstated on the site, you two were going at it all the time. It's only the last couple months you've been talking here about this issue. Was there pain back then, a year ago?

Look, it's not normal to have pain during intercourse. I promise you, he's not that big and you're not that small. (Funny, I'm not sure which of you to address here...)

nwlinkvxd: she needs to see a doctor about this. Penetration shouldn't hurt. It could be a sign of various sorts of trouble that could end up having life-long health reprecussions. Forget about your orgasms for a minute and think about the well-being of the woman you love. She doesn't seem inclined, so far, to actually HEAR medical advice from anybody, she'd rather complain about how she's screwed up. That makes her health and well-being YOURS to take care of. That's the deal when you're married or nearly married. Get her to the gyno, stat.

have you guys considered that just maybe you are not compatible? i mean if you are already at this stage and only 19 and 20, not even married yet, well, doesnt really look good does it? and i am not talking about the sex thing really, just the different planets you seem to inhabit....

i actually had the same situation with my first girlfriend, hell we were going to get married, the whole lot, but then eventually we both realised we were too young, and above all, not good enough together to make it work in the long run. HURT LIKE HELL at the time, but now a good few years on i can see we both did the right thing and now are both happy in different relationships.

dont flame me, just throwing it out there...

i'm in a similar situation....and all I can say for the female side...is to not worry so much about it, or feel like a let down. You're just adding more pressure on yourself and compounding the issue. I def. agree in trying a different form of BC.....or get your hormone levels checked by a doc (simple blodd test). For the guy, you know she feels abd about this, so try not to complain so much in her plain view. You gotta work with her on this. Vagina's are meant to stretch, so lots and lots of foreplay to get her vag ready, and maybe cause a little less pain. BOTH of you should maybe get more physical activity - male, to relieve some of the sexual pressure, and to use as an alternative autput to wacking it 3 times a day.....female - to relieve some stress, and get your blood pumping. Proper diet and excercise go miles in terms of getting rid of stress and making you fell better about yourself. One of the best ways to combat depression........

I'm going to have a slightly different take on this, but one which I feel is essentially encapsulated in a lot of the advice y'all have received.

Chill Out

There's a lot going on - Petite sounds like she's got a lot of issues involving family, school, work, and linkx probably has some other issues as well. Add the "we're getting married" stuff, and it's a lot of stress. I know y'all want the problem solved, and let me add a double ditto to the "go see your ob/gyn - birth control is notorious for this type of thing, and i've seen it with previous friends/girlfiends/etc. In regards to the total situation, however, I would suggest backing down a little, try to relax, take deep breaths so on and so forth. If y'all are taking a break from sex, I would encourage you to try to see it as an opportunity to hang out and relax, stop and enjoy the place you're at in your lives, the fact you're alive, spring is almost here, etc - rather than view it as the "break from sex" such that the issue only intensifies, and a mountain becomes a really freaking huge mountain with serious potential for volcanic eruption, etc.

If it were me in the situation, i would tell myself to calm down and meditate on it a bit - you'll both still be there tomorrow, or in a month, etc - so what's the rush?

Sex is so much more than the physical thing. What makes sex really good for the woman is the spiritual connection. I saw a post the other day (not sure what board) that showed how Viagra affected women. They had physical symptoms of being horny but no mental symptoms. Needless to say, it was mostly emotional for them. Now there are some medications that can cause dryness, etc, and these should be checked out, but I'm guessing that stress is the culprit here. When either partner is stressed (about the relationship, about life, about work, etc.) it can deeply affect the way you react to each other. A few years ago my wife and I had gotten into a routine. We had a date night established once a week where we would sit down and watch a movie together. It usually ended up with sex. We were doing it other nights of the week as well, but this was a constant. What we figured out is that this "planned" sex just wasn't as good as the times when it just happened. Now we just do it when we feel like it. It is frequent and hot almost every single time (4 to 5 times a week after 14 years of marriage)

Nwlinkvxd may love you deeply, but the constant sex can be overwhelming to a young woman who is still learning her way. Both of you need to slow down a bit and learn about the art of romance and seduction. It will serve both of you well in the future. The best sex organ we have is the brain. Use it and both of you will be much happier.

Pap smear is to detect cancer-nothing more. You may have a tilted cervix, endometriosis, tilted uterus, the list goes on. Don't rely on a simple office visit and pap. Certain things, like endometriosis, can only be detected through ultrasound.
Birth control pills alone can dry you out to the point of pain-research their combined effect with whatever else you currently take.
Internal orgasms (g-spot) are not necessarily achieved through plain old screwing...the g-spot is smaller than a quarter and is not in the same place for every woman (essentially, it is a particularly sensitive area of the vagina-akin to the nerve endings in the clit-most of the vagina wall isn't really sensitive). You have to 'look' for it.
Also, you cannot 'stretch' your vagina to make it more accommodating!!! While it has the ability to stretch astronomically( horizontally, more or less) for childbirth, it will stretch enough for a penis at the time it has to-it's not going to stay that way! Well, at least not until after the 5th or 6th kid...
All the second guessing in the world is not going to fix things. Talk with each other, research, visit professionals. Good Luck.


edit for the jokesters: 'tilted' means slanted, not related to the forums.

Ditto. Love means you set yourself aside and put her at the front of the line. I don't see a lot of that in the quoted IM discussion about how "everyone SHOULD want sex all the time" because they're human? Dude, if that doesn't make her feel like shit, I don't know what would. If someone told me that I was basically "not human"for not wanting sex when it's always painful to me, I'd break up with him immediately.

There is a a LOT of deep stuff going on with you guys... why are you getting married so young? Do you think these problems will go away after the wedding day? In other words, do you have an option of at least delaying the wedding, working on your sexual incompatibility, and getting married when you actually feel 100% comfortable and satisfied with each other (which doesn't necessarily mean having more sex, btw)?

Ok, I'm just checking to make sure that those...

tilted's had nothing to do with this forum's name/mission - otherwise, if you ladies are adsorbing this whole tilted thing to the point that your uteri and cervixes are adhering to it, this shit's more serious than I thought...

/end quasi-threadjack

so the question is...if sex wasnt painfull for you, do you think you would be having enough sex that in your mind you would be fulfilling him?

Has sex always hurt for you? You did mension you are taking accutane? Im a guy but I was on accutane a few years ago, and it does mess with your skin and its sensitivity all over the body, could that be why you have burning sensations?

http://www.erbook.net/accutane.htm
Accutane® (isotretinoin) can permanently affect your sex life, reducing libido and sexual sensation. In some cases it may also induce sexual dysesthesias in which sexual sensations feel like "pins and needles" instead of being normally pleasant.

Doing more research on Accutane, it's a depressant, that combined with the birth control you are on (does the doctor who presribed the Accutane know about the bc you are using, and does the doctor who prescribed the bc, know about the accutane. That combination of medicines, is bound to screw up anyone's system.

You might want to have a chat with the doctor who prescribed the Accutane...
http://www.fda.gov/cder/drug/infopag...ant%20warnings

I only just started accutane a couple weeks ago. This problem of burning has been going on for a long time. So has the problem with my libido.

And NOW...the full background on my life and everything I've thought about!:

I think I have a lot of mental troubles that affect my sex life. I've been thinking about what could affect me, and quite frankly, I have always come back to the fact that I have ALWAYS been exceptionally self-conscious. I have gone through eating disorders, and have never felt good enough for my parents. I still have this feeling with nwlinkvxd, though I am able to think I look good now. As Loveline always seemed to include: "Were you abused as a child?" And yes, I was. This could affect me as well. As some of you know, I recently endured another reminder of my childhood abuse. I still have extreme selfesteem issues, that I need to talk to a doctor for. Also, I keep thinking that I have never been in a relationship this long. All of my relationships were great in the beginning, but my selfesteem always ended up driving them away.

After I sort all this out, I think I can get back to being normal. It has seemed that since I was 14, there has always been some sort of self-esteem issue: from 14-17 I was incredibly depressed, had eating disorders, smoked marijuana, took uppers, cut myself for attention, and actually drank cough syrup in huge amounts to get 'drunk'. Now that I'm a little older, I still have depression problems and huge selfesteem issues.

I thought I was past it when I stopped crying after sex. I was wrong, and yes, guys, I need to get doctor help. It's just calling them up and doing it.

nwlinkvxd is not really at fault for this. I'd like to think that. He may not be the most sensitive guy on some occasions, but who wouldn't lose their patience when their girlfriend is obsessively depressed and bashes herself constantly. This sex problem is just a deeper underlying problem that I need to get help for.

Hm, let me address a few things that were bugging me from earlier posts:

hossified, YES- I need exercise, you are completely correct in that aspect.

ratbastid, nwlinkvxd doesn't make his own appointments (mom still does it for him), so how could even KNOW how to make mine? He and I don't have our own insurance yet. Also, we live so far apart, and doctor's offices aren't open on the weekend. No, this is a problem I need to be strong enough to deal with.

Rinn, I am nearly sure that I don't have endometriosis. nwlinkvxd's sister has it, and I don't really have any of the symptoms.

ironmaiden, I make no excuses. The absolute reason I turn nwlinkvxd down on several occasions is extreme exhaustion. It does not help that I do not have a correct vegetarian diet and make no attempt to change this. Oh, and I never said this was his problem.

Thanks for all your input guys. It is appreciated, even if some of it hurts.

That's a huge step for you... Atta girl! :thumbsup:

word. always best to track the problem to its root. this can be a good path to do so. follow through with your plan, and congrats on taking the step.

Yeah, I was wondering when someone would bring up the Accutane in this thread. As soon as I read Petite's sentence about Accutane, an alarm went off in my head.
I was on accutane for the good part of a year, I know exactly what that drug can do to your body. The physical and mental changes are not to be taken lightly, which is why they make you sign that contract before you even start taking the pills. I even had my dosage reduced halfway through because I found it was affecting my liver, changing stats on my blood test results.
Accutane is well known to dry out your skin. It can affect bodily fluids, even things like your sweat glands and saliva production. If you have noticed a difference, let the doc know.
Some effects can be permanent. I have been off accutane for almost a year and still my skin is pretty gosh darn dry.
I'm not sure how long you have been on Accutance Petite, but I'll bet that it is the cause for your pain. Accutane is pretty sneaky, it can do a lot of weird stuff to your body, I suggest finding out all you can about the active ingredients in it to see if the side effects match yours in any way.
Always be cautious when on Accutane if you are sexually active, it is one powerful drug that should be taken seriously. Pay attention to your body while on that drug, cause Accutane sure as hell can do some damage if you're not careful. If necessary, see if you can reduce the dose you are taking right now, it could possibly change the way your body is reacting to the drug.

I made my appointment to the doctor's in order to get a referral to a psychologist. April 1, 11am.

That's great LPM. Medications have such far reaching effects and drug interactions can be really tricky. My wife had some issues with an OCD medicine and birth control a few years back. She knew something was wrong and finally got it corrected.

I believe you're in school - are you going through the school guys to get the outside referral? I also know that many universities have some manner of free counseling - at least for a certain number of sessions.

Seriously, for both you and your man - don't forget to give yourselves a break. Stress is a real bitch. Y'all are ahead of the game, really. You've got a problem, but you've recognized it. You're open to the possiblity (I would almost add strong probability) that it's symptomatic of a deeper issue, and you're working on it. I think you should be happy with your decision, and you should give yourselves a day or two off from worrying about this stuff.

edit another thing, don't you LPM specifically take this all on yourself. Some individual counselling is probably a good thing, but if linkx is open to it, it might be beneficial for both of you to participate in the sessions. 1. y'all are getting married, as you may have heard, and 2. some of his behavior in this situation, while being natural and somewhat normal in a sense (i don't know if the average guy pops a nut 3-5 times a day - my little buddy would probably throw a strike / work stoppage after a week or so if I pulled that on him, and would have when I was 20.) doesn't sound ideal from what I've read, and he may have some things he might want to work on / work out too.

best of luck.

Awesome! Once I heard about the Accutane, I was like "WHOA! Red Flag!". I think you're on the road to dealing with this. Good luck.

so, a little off topic, what is accutane perscribed for? It may have been mentioned and i just missed it...

Acne. I've had it since I was 13 or so, and it still hasn't cleared up and has since caused scarring.

Whoa Whoa Whoa coming from the perspective of the more sexually driven member of a relationship i have to say that nwlinkvxd you are being kind of scary towards her. So young as am I but honestly she must be frightened of you in some way. Nobody, I repeat myself NOBODY should ever have sex if it is not something they want to do. That said maybe you need to calm down a little and just step back. You are putting off the impression it is her fault something makes it hurt or that it is her fault she can't give a bj. Now if you want to be with her you must first accept her for who she is and work with her. By the way it sounds you are only working against her and making her feel less like doing so.

A long time ago while being friends with benefits with the girl i am now dating i took advantage of her in a bad way. I made her do things she didn't want to do and i made it sound like she was a bitch for not doing so. It took a very long time to regain that trust even though we fell in love with eachother. I now ask a sexually oriented question once and if she says no its a no go. But the benefits of that is that she is so comfortable there is no time she is not willing to stand up and say hey i want to give you a bj or i want to have sex. Treat her as you would like to be treated please don't place blame. If she doesn't wake up horny like you do every day she isn't a bad person she is just not horny. Don't put things into a context they don't need to be in.

If i had to take a bet why it hurts her I would say she is scared in some way or this is some kind of emotional trauma or something maybe not with you even but something little small maybe she doesn't even know what it may be and it needs to be fixed. But please, stop making this anybody's fault. It is not.

Well-said, funnel. Having read Petite's post about her past, I've lowered my opinion of nwlinkvxd by about a hundred notches--even the strongest woman, psychologically, would wilt under heavy sexual pressure from her lover, but a woman with abuse in her past would have all her old wounds opened up, every time.

Ok, I have been reading this thread until right here.

Are you cracked buddy, never mind chemicals to kill your libido, get yourself another girlfriend who is as horny as you.

Um Jim kata, have you TOLD your gf how you feel about sex once a month? How else is she supposed to realize its effect on your relationship if you don't tell her?

Also, I'm not sure about your comment "I don't know why girls don't understand this." If you think it's all about bc, then you really need to talk with your gf more, man.