Jim Kata

I don't know how to make a poll so here it goes.

Last night I was talking to my woman, and asked her what my top 3 nagging things were (so I know what to stop).

Well, I found out that #1 was "badgering" her to get an STD test when we were a few months into our relationship (which was almost 4 years ago).

She had only been with one person before (with a condom) but she has "swallowed" about 5 guys semen (never mine....but thats just a whole other minor bitchfest).

Me, being a virgin and very hypocondriacish, asked her to get tested to make sure everything was cool (not just her being tested, but got tested myself) before we started having sex without a condom.

Anyways...she told me all of her friends thought I was being stupid, and I never got my friends opinion on the situation. But I was just curious on what you ladies thought about it if someone had asked you to do what I asked, and what you guys would think of a friend of yours asking a girl to do the same.

Please be honest, and forgive me for not giving more details because, I'm a bit tipsy right now. But they can provided if asked (i feel like an asshole about the whole thing now).

Hardknock

If she doesn't want to get tested, especially after 4 years of you asking her to, then brother, she has something to hide.

That's my first impression.

Bryndian_Dhai

I always ask about STDs.... and since my own history is exceptionally sketchy, and I've had significantly more partners than my husband, when we started dating I took one and provided him with the results. And I get one at least once a year, and used to get one every six months, just to be sure.

Personally, I don't care what her history is, if she has had contact with any seminal fluid, she should get tested, as she is at risk for an STD. If she performed fellatio without a condom, she is at risk for HPV, herpes, HIV/AIDS, and a host of other diseases. Her friends should have said that you were looking out for not only your health, but hers as well.

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Jim Kata

i probably wasn't clear... she got tested and everything was negative after about a month of me asking her to (this was probably 5 or 6 months into our relationship). But last night in a drunken stupor...I asked her what her top 3 nags were from me (so I could fix them). And she said that that was number one.

Jim Kata

That is exactly what my point was. Thanks.

noodles

i agree with your worries. [edited to clarify: i agree that a test is something that people should at least seriously consider getting done, regardless of partner count. even if the number is 0.]

i have a feeling that the issue is more along the lines of her thinking that you want her to get tested because she's been with "too many" guys or somesuch.

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Hardknock

Ok, now that makes more sense. I agree with noodles. I'm sensing that she thinks that you have some kind of resentment towards her becasue she's been with other guys and you're a virgin. Right/Wrong?

Seaver

Ok, next time this is what you do.

Ask to go get tested together. I know I know, "but I'm a virgin". Look this isnt about you, it's about making her feel ok with it. You nagging her to get tested was basically calling her a whore. Her swallowing with 5 guys and you saying "that's a whole nother story" is saying you probably did that that time... everything but calling her a whore.

Think of getting your girl to work out more. If you just say "I want you to go work out more often".. you're calling her fat. If you say "We should go work out more" you make it into a together opportunity which will make your bonds stronger.

Getting her to be tested is nothing strange. It's just a VERY touchy subject. Learn a little more tact when dealing with the opposite sex, a twist of words makes ALL the difference.

ratbastid

Here's the real crux of it. It's not that you SHOULD feel like an asshole, but I think it's important to let her know you do. She feels like you should feel bad about it.

Bottom line: you can either be right about wanting what you wanted years ago, or you can be happy now. You can't have both.

Here's what you say: "You know, hon, I'm really sorry I was such a jerk about that. I probably left you feeling like I didn't trust you or something. I was just a paranoid virgin, and I didn't really even think about how the whole thing was making you feel. Will you forgive me?"

I promise, you have THAT conversation, and the issue goes away forever.

Have some OTHER conversation, like about how everybody should get tested all the time and better safe than sorry and how you were right to stick to your guns about it--however true and valid that is--and the issue stays put.

maleficent

If you explained it to her that way, and she didnt see the importance of taking a test, I'd have serious doubts about her maturity.

Lame lame lame lame lame...

I would never, ever, EVER have unprotected sex with someone without having them tested first. Even if the guy said that his test came back clean 3 months ago, I still wouldn't. There are some STDs that just don't go away, no way am I risking my health for a few moments of pleasure, and anyone who doesn't think about the consequences or thinks it can't happen to them, is delusional.

Don't feel like an asshole, you were looking out for your health. It was four years ago, early on in your relationship, she really needs to get over it.

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StanT

Not that I'd take relationship advice from myself, but I'm with Ratbastid on this one. You can either be right or you can put it behind you. I'd apologize for my insensitivity and get forgiven. Even though you did the right thing, it isn't worth years of annoyance. Pick your fights carefully, this one isn't worth it.

Aladdin Sane

Two things:
1. You were right in insisting that she get tested, and she (and her friends) were foolish in not seeing its importance.
2. She has deeper issues that cause her to hang on to this after 4 years. It's a warning sign you had better carefully observe.

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Squishor

I think ratbastid has an excellent point and is absolutely right. It's a question of content versus delivery. She may actually agree with you on the content, but something about the delivery bothered her and she probably took it the wrong way.

noodles

he's definitely right about this. but imho, they're the same conversation, just worded differently -- from different angles.

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Suave

What kind of _____ can't forgive something as small as that after four years? Some people.

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la petite moi

Smart move on your part.

SecretMethod70

See above.

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greeneyes

Some great advice has been give on how to apologize to her, but that doesn't negate the fact that she has been holding onto this for four years now. Is this a person you want to continue a relationship with? Someone who holds grudges and then smacks you in the face with them years later? Some subjects are touchy but shit happens. If this is the worst thing you have done in four years, she should be grateful you have a good head on your shoulders and move the hell on with life.

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doncalypso

Thef act that she swallowed five other guys before dating you but yet won't swallow you when she give you head is reason enough to suspect something. And the fact that she refuses to take an STD test is grounds to dump her.

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lunchbox

I can do no more than echo other's sentiments, You were not in the wrong in insisting on her getting tested, could you have handled the situation better? probably but its in the past and she needs to let go of that. you two need to sit down and work out that problem and explain to her exactly why you felt that way and make it clear it wasn't a matter of distrust. I would think she felt you didn't trust her when insisting she get tested when that was obviously not the case. Best of luck to you, I hope you work this situation out.

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Squishor

I think that if my boyfriend asked me what bothers me the most about him, and the worst I could come up with was something he did 4 years ago, he should take that as a very positive sign. However, I would never be offended if a guy asked me to have an STD test - in fact, this is something I have routinely asked when I start seeing someone new. Then again I'm a lot more experienced than you guys so it's more routine to me.

Brooke

Dude - does she want to have sex with you or does she just want to have sex? You seem to take sex pretty seriously, and I would ask myself if this person does the same - since the number of encounters for each of you is so different for each person.

She doesnt have to tell anyone that she took the test. I would ask for a bit more honesty from her. Ask her what her issue with it is. As her why she is so uncomfortable.

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larny

i agree with you. you just dont know these days. Im not in a relationship but if i have sex with someone that i haven't known for a long period of time i quite often get myself checked out. just to put my mind at rest.

StormBerlin

First I just want to commend you on your maturity for wanting to get tested before you have unprotected sex. Second, if she cant respect the fact that you want to stay safe, then I would question her character. Someone mentioned that if she doesn't want to get tested after you "Badgering" her for four years, then she definately has something to hide, and I completely agree...

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Sweetpea

She needs to get tested . . . you are RIGHT in asking her to do it.

It's YOUR body and YOUR lifelong health that may or may not be affected . . . her friends are very stupid if they don't see the paramount importance of getting tested . . .

Testing = Done before FUCKING . . . no exceptions.

thanks

Sweetpea

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ratbastid

I think most posters here have missed the one crucial piece of information: The badgering and the STD testing was four years ago. It's way in the past now for everyone but the girlfriend, and it's only still around for her because of the experience she was let with.

ironmaiden7o7

It is good that you are concerned enough to want her to take an STD test, I believe everyone should pressure their mate to take one, and I personally feel that if she doesn't want to then, she has something to hide. That's just my taking on the whole topic.

maleficent

BUT... had she been mature enough to take the test to begin with... she wouldn't have been badgered... and come on already -- it's been four years -- let it go already...

I've seen it too many times with guys that I know that they fall into the apologizing for irrelevant crap that they don't need to apologize for because the woman in their life has some bug up their behind about some perceived slight. They just apologize for the sake of apologizing.

He wasn't wrong. If it was such a huge drama for her (and all her friends) then she should have said something 4 years ago. the statute of limitations on being able to bitch about something has run out.

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greeneyes

Best advice given on the suibject all night, so take it to heart.

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pinkie

Once. After that it's a choice both of you are making. If you have to ask more than once, someone is not respecting someone else's boundaries.

And you don't get STDs (except herpes which she'd have known) from blowjobs.

pinkie

Yes, but didn't he ask?

pinkie

Bullshit. Sorry, but...

Jim Kata

Thanks for all the feedback.....

But I gotta say, she isn't half as bad as some of you are making her out to be.

I was in the right in asking her to get tested, but most likely, I probably didn't phrase my request right.

She did say that she felt like I thought she was a whore because of my request (whore may not have been the exact word). So yes, there may be some issues deep down inside there for her. But we'll work them out.

I really don't think that it has truly been bothering her for the past 4 years. When I asked her about my top nagging moments, it took her a while to even come up with one. Considering she had to go that far back to find one seems good to me.

Its kind of like me remembering this one time my dad wouldn't let me leave the table until I ate all of the cabbage rolls that were on my plate. I hated him at that moment for that (as stupid as it was, but hey...I was like 6 or 7). And it was the first time I remember ever being mad at my father. Do I hold that against him? No. Do I remember it? Yes...only because it was the first time I didn't think my Father was the coolest person in the world anymore. That would be on my top 3 list of times I hated my dad.

I think its kind of the same thing with her. She was mad about it at the time...but now 'it ain't no thang'.

Acetylene

Always ask about STDs. There is no reason not to. If she doesn't like it, then she is being unrealistic.

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Cervantes

I agree that she has serious issues if she's still hanging on to this.
You are in your full right to ask for an STD test before engaging in unprotected sex. It doesn't matter how few she has had sex with or how protected she was, it's you right to look after your health. If she can't understand that then I'd seriously think twice about your relationship.
If she wanted to have sex with you unprotected she should have volunteered taking the test, it's a simple matter of taking responsibility for your own actions and making sure they don't have any lifechangeing effects for the ones you love.
It is not just immature it's practily naive to react the way she did and still bitch about it four years later.

(sorry if I sound harsh but I have a friend who contracted hiv because she had unprotected sex with a guy even though he refused to test himself, he just keept claiming to be clean untill she caved in.)

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StickODynomite

If she felt insulted because you wanted her to get tested, she has some serious insecurity issues there (SHE probably thinks she's a 'whore' or whatever other word she used.. if that bothered her so much). Regardless, you did the right thing by "badgering" her to get tested. And if you didn't bother her about it.. do you think she would've gotten tested?

Another thing that bothers me: 4 yrs later and this still stirs up a fight ? C'mon.. she needs to move on and get over that.

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NCB

[QUOTE=Aladdin Sane]Two things:
1. You were right in insisting that she get tested, and she (and her friends) were foolish in not seeing its importance.
2. She has deeper issues that cause her to hang on to this after 4 years. It's a warning sign you had better carefully observe.[/QUOTE]


Beat me to it. Aladdin's right, there seems to be something else to this.

mokle

Really? I've been led to believe otherwise. Do you have a source to prove this?

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zombie_sympathi

agreed; i was under the impression that HIV and several other STDS can be spread through oral sex.

ratbastid

HIV and other STD/STIs absolutely positively most certainly CAN CAN CAN be spread through oral sex. No doubt about it, don't believe anything else.

<a href="http://www.managingdesire.org/oralsexindex.html">Here's</a> a site that rounds up several articles on the safety of oral sex.