Stability in an open relationship. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Robaggio · 01-21-2005, 11:54 PM

I know a few folks out there in TFP land are in an open relationship. I have a question for you guys: How do you do it? Specifically, how do you find stability in open waters?

Here's the backstory: So, I became good friends with my highschool sweetheart. Next thing we know, we're in a stereotypical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Anyway, this is what we call it so it makes sense to other people at least. In reality, we're just "very very vey good friends". I say that because neither of us believe that it is acceptable to hunker down with just one person. There are so many people in the world, so many people to be attracted to, to learn from, and to have relationships with. We feel that it is unreasonable to expect each other to restrict expression of our lives to just each other- therefore our relationship is open. "Expression" is the key word- You cannot help who you're attracted to, and you cannot help the desire to express yourself to such people (restriction of this desire is what we do not want). We want each other to be free to 'express' ourselves to the people we're involved with, be it physical, mental, or something else. Now, this doesn't mean that we're chasing everything attractive under the sun. What it does mean, however, is that we are free to express feelings for others that we've developed a friendship with. It's quite beautiful really- the world can be seen through so many viewpoints.

Anyway, despite how logical this may sound, the notion of an open realtionship doesn't settle well. We feel as if we were floating, yet, wish to have a sense of the ground. Here's a little analogy (WARNING: Religous people might find this offensive):

Wouldn't it be nice if I believed in god? Really, I mean, wouldn't it be nice if I could be blissfully ignorant of reality? There'd be an answer for everything- "God made it that way!" It'd be so nice- I'd be so happy knowing that whatever happens is part of a grand design.

Translate that to:

Wouldn't it be nice if I were 'monogamous'? Really, I mean, wouldn't it be nice if I could be blissfully ignorant of all the other wonderful people out there? I'd always have an answer knowing that someone would be home for me saying "I'm here only for you!" It'd be so nice- I'd be so happy knowing that whatever happens we'll be together forever because I'd always be the best person for my partner!

Does that help give some perspective? Despite how awesome it is to be in an open relationship, the looseness of it all doesn't feel, well, safe. This is naturally so of course. Humans are selfish creatures, we want our mates to ourselves. Still though, this defies the logic we have set up for ourselves.

Do things get more 'stable' as time goes on? Perhaps I should be optimistic about "flying with no direction", after all, you can see so much more up high when you're not stuck on the ground. Or perhaps the uneasyness of our openess is a sign that we need more direction? Akin to: "Someone who learns everything about something knows everything about one thing. Someone who learns something about everything knows everything about nothing." Yeearrgh... I hate the "two of one thing, one of another" teetertottering. What's the secret guys? I know it's not a magical phrase or anything... but I'd be really interested in hearing the different perspectives floating around on these awesome boards.

noodles · 01-22-2005, 12:29 AM

okay

first, i'm not in any relationship right now and have never been in an open one. if that option was open to me in the future, i wouldn't rule it out. my decision would have to be based on my feelings and situation at the time. basically, i'm talking out of my ass right now.

second, you don't need to explain to us or justify open relationships, we know all abouts em

last, your problem. what can i say? your stability depends entirely on your relationship with your SO, or that relationship compared to the other people they may be seeing. if you feel your bond is strong, there's not much to worry about. the stability of any relationship is entirely dependant on the people involved. its really the same with a regular relationship, except its easier to phase out of an open relationship, while you have to just plain jump ship in a traditional one. there is no easy answer. maybe, if you feel uncomfortable with the uncertainty of the open relationship (you wouldn't be posting this if you weren't, would you?), you should sit your SO down and have a talk.

CityOfAngels · 01-22-2005, 12:36 AM

It's all about pros and cons, just like anything else in life. If the pros outweigh the cons, keep doing it. If the cons outweigh the pros, then maybe it's time you tried something (or someone) else.

ICER · 01-22-2005, 12:38 AM

Well, My wife and I have been in a open relation for about a year and a half now. And at first we were just like you. feeling adrift. What anchored us was a set of ground rules. Rule that don't limit us. But instead, gives us the stability a marriage needs.

Even though you’re not married. I think a set of simple rules might put you at ease.

Robaggio · 01-22-2005, 12:44 AM

I don't think it's really an issue for talking. We are doing quite a bit of that. Maybe a different way of looking at the perdicament is one dealing with effort. You could argue that open relationships take a lot more effort than closed ones. It just seems easier to default to monogamy.

ICER, if you're comfortable. What rules do you have in place? Aren't rules inherently restrictive and thus, a no no?

ICER · 01-22-2005, 12:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Robaggio

ICER, if you're comfortable. What rules do you have in place? Aren't rules inherently restrictive and thus, a no no?

Well. we sat down and agreed on them first.

1, The other must first meet the person we are interested in haveing sex with
2,We must inform the other BEFORE we have sex with another person
3, Be open and honest with each other at all times

We found that the rules are a little restrictive. but not as much to hinder our pleasure

Robaggio · 01-22-2005, 01:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ICER

Well. we sat down and agreed on them first.

1, The other must first meet the person we are interested in haveing sex with
2,We must inform the other BEFORE we have sex with another person
3, Be open and honest with each other at all times

We found that the rules are a little restrictive. but not as much to hinder our pleasure

Thank you, I see what you mean now.

Referring to your first rule though. What if, after meeting the new person, you don't approve?

I'm not trying to pry, and I mean, no offense. But again, if you're comfortable sharing, I'm very interested in hearing. Thanks.

ICER · 01-22-2005, 01:21 AM

Nah, no problem.

Generally it doesn't matter. you can voice you opinion. And you two can dicuss it. But that doesn't mean they can't have sex with that person. Its just that she knows how you feel. The meeting is more so the both of you can meet the person, And so the person can know that this person is in a relationship

doncalypso · 01-22-2005, 07:11 AM

I've never been in an open relationship and I doubt I ever will, but I have a friend who was in one and she ended up regretting it big time.

She'd found a guy she really liked but she still wanted to sow her wild oats so she decided to do the whole "open relationship" thing despite my warnings and even encouraged him to go seek out other women. Well, it turns out that at one point she decided she wanted to be with him only and that it was time for her to turn monogamous---unfortunately, he grew quite a taste for this whole open relationship thing and lost interest in monogamy so this relationship ended up going down the tubes.

Moral of the story is don't get into open relationships.

ICER · 01-23-2005, 01:02 PM

Don does have a point, an open relateionship isn't for everbody. It takes understanding, maturity, and patience.

But at the same time. since he's never been in one (only seen it ruin one relation, which is reason enough for him to think they are bad.) He doesn't speak from actually experance, I myself have seen it ruin more then a few. So I can tell you that they can be dangerious. But if you have a relationship based on love and understanding. It well weather any storm.

EULA · 01-23-2005, 08:35 PM

Robaggio: I liked your excuse for being incapable of commitment.

KungFuGuy · 01-23-2005, 08:45 PM

i'm in an open relationship right now, in that we both agreed we wouldn't constrict the other from seeing other people. however neither of us have tested the "open" part and seeing other people. She doesn't really want to, and I kinda do. but she's awesome so i'm afraid to test the "open" part.

still gonna work at it.

open relationships are confusing. probably just as confusing as monogomous relationships, but pulled in differant directions.

Suave · 01-23-2005, 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EULA

Robaggio: I liked your excuse for being incapable of commitment.

Both what you and Robaggio have put on the table are simply points of view. What he's putting out is not necessarily an excuse, nor is being in a monogamous relationship necessarily being "blissfully ignorant" as he put it. I wasn't going to say anything at first, but I can see where this is headed, and closed-minded exchanges of opinion tend to irk me just a tad.

forkies · 01-24-2005, 05:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ICER

It takes understanding, maturity, and patience.

i think saying it takes maturity is a little judgemental...

projectself · 01-24-2005, 08:12 AM

you have to realize that you will become more comfortable with the situation at hand as time goes on. when a relationship is involved, it's natural for humans to react with jealousy or insecurity when it involves their partner being sexually or emotionally active with other people.
ive known a few polyamorous couples, and while the idea of it is incredible, from what i've seen, it's more incredible in theory. i think you have to have the perfect match for it to work well, and not let it fall to shambles. for instance: i knew a polyamrous couple that was together for 7 years... however, the woman usually engaged in sexual acts with other women, rarely ever men, but in some cases, yes. the man, however, would engage in "relationships" with other women, where he wouldnt be sexual with anyone but that girl and his SO. i couldn't possibly understand how with his SO, they could have a polyamorous relationship, just so that he could have a "monogamous" (in a sense) relationship with other women at the same time. needless to say, after 7 years, they ended with a divorce. <p>
it's definitely an issue of maturity and communcation, and if you both have great skills in each, then good luck to you! it will definitely take a while to get over the insecurity that's going to come along with an open relationship, but perhaps discussing things in details or setting some rules at first will help out.

Suave · 01-24-2005, 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by forkies

i think saying it takes maturity is a little judgemental...

I don't. If one is immature, then they will be improperly equipped emotionally to handle the situation.That is not to say that everyone who dislikes the idea of an open relationship or can't make one work is immarture, but simply that maturity is a requirement.

ICER · 01-24-2005, 01:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suave

I don't. If one is immature, then they will be improperly equipped emotionally to handle the situation.That is not to say that everyone who dislikes the idea of an open relationship or can't make one work is immarture, but simply that maturity is a requirement.

well put Suave, I couldn't have said it better myself.

webfiend · 01-26-2005, 11:35 PM

I'm curious too. What's the longest-term open relationship anybody has ever been in? Mine was just a couple of years, and ended .... well, it ended badly, to say the least. In our case, the "open" part of our relationship was a symptom of problems that we had properly clicking together. Very different people indeed

But here in Seattle I've heard rumors of folks that have managed it. Anybody here managed an actual long-term open relationship?

drakers · 01-27-2005, 08:08 AM

An open relationship is just begging for jealousy, if your women notices the girl your with at that time is much hotter than her, than she will probably say something. I think the majority of girls would not even attempt it just for that simple reason and because you would be going out with more than just her. Unless she is a swinger, it probably won't work.

01-21-2005, 11:54 PM	#1 (permalink)
Robaggio Crazy	Stability in an open relationship. I know a few folks out there in TFP land are in an open relationship. I have a question for you guys: How do you do it? Specifically, how do you find stability in open waters? Here's the backstory: So, I became good friends with my highschool sweetheart. Next thing we know, we're in a stereotypical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Anyway, this is what we call it so it makes sense to other people at least. In reality, we're just "very very vey good friends". I say that because neither of us believe that it is acceptable to hunker down with just one person. There are so many people in the world, so many people to be attracted to, to learn from, and to have relationships with. We feel that it is unreasonable to expect each other to restrict expression of our lives to just each other- therefore our relationship is open. "Expression" is the key word- You cannot help who you're attracted to, and you cannot help the desire to express yourself to such people (restriction of this desire is what we do not want). We want each other to be free to 'express' ourselves to the people we're involved with, be it physical, mental, or something else. Now, this doesn't mean that we're chasing everything attractive under the sun. What it does mean, however, is that we are free to express feelings for others that we've developed a friendship with. It's quite beautiful really- the world can be seen through so many viewpoints. Anyway, despite how logical this may sound, the notion of an open realtionship doesn't settle well. We feel as if we were floating, yet, wish to have a sense of the ground. Here's a little analogy (WARNING: Religous people might find this offensive): Wouldn't it be nice if I believed in god? Really, I mean, wouldn't it be nice if I could be blissfully ignorant of reality? There'd be an answer for everything- "God made it that way!" It'd be so nice- I'd be so happy knowing that whatever happens is part of a grand design. Translate that to: Wouldn't it be nice if I were 'monogamous'? Really, I mean, wouldn't it be nice if I could be blissfully ignorant of all the other wonderful people out there? I'd always have an answer knowing that someone would be home for me saying "I'm here only for you!" It'd be so nice- I'd be so happy knowing that whatever happens we'll be together forever because I'd always be the best person for my partner! Does that help give some perspective? Despite how awesome it is to be in an open relationship, the looseness of it all doesn't feel, well, safe. This is naturally so of course. Humans are selfish creatures, we want our mates to ourselves. Still though, this defies the logic we have set up for ourselves. Do things get more 'stable' as time goes on? Perhaps I should be optimistic about "flying with no direction", after all, you can see so much more up high when you're not stuck on the ground. Or perhaps the uneasyness of our openess is a sign that we need more direction? Akin to: "Someone who learns everything about something knows everything about one thing. Someone who learns something about everything knows everything about nothing." Yeearrgh... I hate the "two of one thing, one of another" teetertottering. What's the secret guys? I know it's not a magical phrase or anything... but I'd be really interested in hearing the different perspectives floating around on these awesome boards.

01-22-2005, 12:29 AM	#2 (permalink)
noodles Psycho Location: sc	okay first, i'm not in any relationship right now and have never been in an open one. if that option was open to me in the future, i wouldn't rule it out. my decision would have to be based on my feelings and situation at the time. basically, i'm talking out of my ass right now. second, you don't need to explain to us or justify open relationships, we know all abouts em last, your problem. what can i say? your stability depends entirely on your relationship with your SO, or that relationship compared to the other people they may be seeing. if you feel your bond is strong, there's not much to worry about. the stability of any relationship is entirely dependant on the people involved. its really the same with a regular relationship, except its easier to phase out of an open relationship, while you have to just plain jump ship in a traditional one. there is no easy answer. maybe, if you feel uncomfortable with the uncertainty of the open relationship (you wouldn't be posting this if you weren't, would you?), you should sit your SO down and have a talk. Last edited by noodles; 01-22-2005 at 12:32 AM..

01-22-2005, 12:38 AM	#4 (permalink)
ICER Chilled to Perfection Location: Dallas, TX	Well, My wife and I have been in a open relation for about a year and a half now. And at first we were just like you. feeling adrift. What anchored us was a set of ground rules. Rule that don't limit us. But instead, gives us the stability a marriage needs. Even though you’re not married. I think a set of simple rules might put you at ease. __________________ What's the difference between congress and a penitentiary? One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. ~~David Letterman

01-22-2005, 01:21 AM	#8 (permalink)
ICER Chilled to Perfection Location: Dallas, TX	Nah, no problem. Generally it doesn't matter. you can voice you opinion. And you two can dicuss it. But that doesn't mean they can't have sex with that person. Its just that she knows how you feel. The meeting is more so the both of you can meet the person, And so the person can know that this person is in a relationship __________________ What's the difference between congress and a penitentiary? One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. ~~David Letterman

01-22-2005, 07:11 AM	#9 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	I've never been in an open relationship and I doubt I ever will, but I have a friend who was in one and she ended up regretting it big time. She'd found a guy she really liked but she still wanted to sow her wild oats so she decided to do the whole "open relationship" thing despite my warnings and even encouraged him to go seek out other women. Well, it turns out that at one point she decided she wanted to be with him only and that it was time for her to turn monogamous---unfortunately, he grew quite a taste for this whole open relationship thing and lost interest in monogamy so this relationship ended up going down the tubes. Moral of the story is don't get into open relationships. __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

01-22-2005, 12:44 AM	#5 (permalink)
Robaggio Crazy	I don't think it's really an issue for talking. We are doing quite a bit of that. Maybe a different way of looking at the perdicament is one dealing with effort. You could argue that open relationships take a lot more effort than closed ones. It just seems easier to default to monogamy. ICER, if you're comfortable. What rules do you have in place? Aren't rules inherently restrictive and thus, a no no?

01-23-2005, 01:02 PM	#10 (permalink)
ICER Chilled to Perfection Location: Dallas, TX	Don does have a point, an open relateionship isn't for everbody. It takes understanding, maturity, and patience. But at the same time. since he's never been in one (only seen it ruin one relation, which is reason enough for him to think they are bad.) He doesn't speak from actually experance, I myself have seen it ruin more then a few. So I can tell you that they can be dangerious. But if you have a relationship based on love and understanding. It well weather any storm. __________________ What's the difference between congress and a penitentiary? One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. ~~David Letterman

01-23-2005, 08:35 PM	#11 (permalink)
EULA Crazy Location: Bowling Green, KY	Robaggio: I liked your excuse for being incapable of commitment.

01-23-2005, 08:45 PM	#12 (permalink)
KungFuGuy Insane	i'm in an open relationship right now, in that we both agreed we wouldn't constrict the other from seeing other people. however neither of us have tested the "open" part and seeing other people. She doesn't really want to, and I kinda do. but she's awesome so i'm afraid to test the "open" part. still gonna work at it. open relationships are confusing. probably just as confusing as monogomous relationships, but pulled in differant directions.

01-24-2005, 08:12 AM	#15 (permalink)
projectself Upright Location: seattle, wa	you have to realize that you will become more comfortable with the situation at hand as time goes on. when a relationship is involved, it's natural for humans to react with jealousy or insecurity when it involves their partner being sexually or emotionally active with other people. ive known a few polyamorous couples, and while the idea of it is incredible, from what i've seen, it's more incredible in theory. i think you have to have the perfect match for it to work well, and not let it fall to shambles. for instance: i knew a polyamrous couple that was together for 7 years... however, the woman usually engaged in sexual acts with other women, rarely ever men, but in some cases, yes. the man, however, would engage in "relationships" with other women, where he wouldnt be sexual with anyone but that girl and his SO. i couldn't possibly understand how with his SO, they could have a polyamorous relationship, just so that he could have a "monogamous" (in a sense) relationship with other women at the same time. needless to say, after 7 years, they ended with a divorce. <p> it's definitely an issue of maturity and communcation, and if you both have great skills in each, then good luck to you! it will definitely take a while to get over the insecurity that's going to come along with an open relationship, but perhaps discussing things in details or setting some rules at first will help out.

01-26-2005, 11:35 PM	#18 (permalink)
webfiend Insane Location: Seattle?	I'm curious too. What's the longest-term open relationship anybody has ever been in? Mine was just a couple of years, and ended .... well, it ended badly, to say the least. In our case, the "open" part of our relationship was a symptom of problems that we had properly clicking together. Very different people indeed But here in Seattle I've heard rumors of folks that have managed it. Anybody here managed an actual long-term open relationship?

01-27-2005, 08:08 AM	#19 (permalink)
drakers Psycho Location: IOWA	An open relationship is just begging for jealousy, if your women notices the girl your with at that time is much hotter than her, than she will probably say something. I think the majority of girls would not even attempt it just for that simple reason and because you would be going out with more than just her. Unless she is a swinger, it probably won't work.