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Robaggio · 01-21-2005, 11:54 PM

I know a few folks out there in TFP land are in an open relationship. I have a question for you guys: How do you do it? Specifically, how do you find stability in open waters?

Here's the backstory: So, I became good friends with my highschool sweetheart. Next thing we know, we're in a stereotypical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Anyway, this is what we call it so it makes sense to other people at least. In reality, we're just "very very vey good friends". I say that because neither of us believe that it is acceptable to hunker down with just one person. There are so many people in the world, so many people to be attracted to, to learn from, and to have relationships with. We feel that it is unreasonable to expect each other to restrict expression of our lives to just each other- therefore our relationship is open. "Expression" is the key word- You cannot help who you're attracted to, and you cannot help the desire to express yourself to such people (restriction of this desire is what we do not want). We want each other to be free to 'express' ourselves to the people we're involved with, be it physical, mental, or something else. Now, this doesn't mean that we're chasing everything attractive under the sun. What it does mean, however, is that we are free to express feelings for others that we've developed a friendship with. It's quite beautiful really- the world can be seen through so many viewpoints.

Anyway, despite how logical this may sound, the notion of an open realtionship doesn't settle well. We feel as if we were floating, yet, wish to have a sense of the ground. Here's a little analogy (WARNING: Religous people might find this offensive):

Wouldn't it be nice if I believed in god? Really, I mean, wouldn't it be nice if I could be blissfully ignorant of reality? There'd be an answer for everything- "God made it that way!" It'd be so nice- I'd be so happy knowing that whatever happens is part of a grand design.

Translate that to:

Wouldn't it be nice if I were 'monogamous'? Really, I mean, wouldn't it be nice if I could be blissfully ignorant of all the other wonderful people out there? I'd always have an answer knowing that someone would be home for me saying "I'm here only for you!" It'd be so nice- I'd be so happy knowing that whatever happens we'll be together forever because I'd always be the best person for my partner!

Does that help give some perspective? Despite how awesome it is to be in an open relationship, the looseness of it all doesn't feel, well, safe. This is naturally so of course. Humans are selfish creatures, we want our mates to ourselves. Still though, this defies the logic we have set up for ourselves.

Do things get more 'stable' as time goes on? Perhaps I should be optimistic about "flying with no direction", after all, you can see so much more up high when you're not stuck on the ground. Or perhaps the uneasyness of our openess is a sign that we need more direction? Akin to: "Someone who learns everything about something knows everything about one thing. Someone who learns something about everything knows everything about nothing." Yeearrgh... I hate the "two of one thing, one of another" teetertottering. What's the secret guys? I know it's not a magical phrase or anything... but I'd be really interested in hearing the different perspectives floating around on these awesome boards.

01-21-2005, 11:54 PM	#1 (permalink)
Robaggio Crazy	Stability in an open relationship. I know a few folks out there in TFP land are in an open relationship. I have a question for you guys: How do you do it? Specifically, how do you find stability in open waters? Here's the backstory: So, I became good friends with my highschool sweetheart. Next thing we know, we're in a stereotypical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Anyway, this is what we call it so it makes sense to other people at least. In reality, we're just "very very vey good friends". I say that because neither of us believe that it is acceptable to hunker down with just one person. There are so many people in the world, so many people to be attracted to, to learn from, and to have relationships with. We feel that it is unreasonable to expect each other to restrict expression of our lives to just each other- therefore our relationship is open. "Expression" is the key word- You cannot help who you're attracted to, and you cannot help the desire to express yourself to such people (restriction of this desire is what we do not want). We want each other to be free to 'express' ourselves to the people we're involved with, be it physical, mental, or something else. Now, this doesn't mean that we're chasing everything attractive under the sun. What it does mean, however, is that we are free to express feelings for others that we've developed a friendship with. It's quite beautiful really- the world can be seen through so many viewpoints. Anyway, despite how logical this may sound, the notion of an open realtionship doesn't settle well. We feel as if we were floating, yet, wish to have a sense of the ground. Here's a little analogy (WARNING: Religous people might find this offensive): Wouldn't it be nice if I believed in god? Really, I mean, wouldn't it be nice if I could be blissfully ignorant of reality? There'd be an answer for everything- "God made it that way!" It'd be so nice- I'd be so happy knowing that whatever happens is part of a grand design. Translate that to: Wouldn't it be nice if I were 'monogamous'? Really, I mean, wouldn't it be nice if I could be blissfully ignorant of all the other wonderful people out there? I'd always have an answer knowing that someone would be home for me saying "I'm here only for you!" It'd be so nice- I'd be so happy knowing that whatever happens we'll be together forever because I'd always be the best person for my partner! Does that help give some perspective? Despite how awesome it is to be in an open relationship, the looseness of it all doesn't feel, well, safe. This is naturally so of course. Humans are selfish creatures, we want our mates to ourselves. Still though, this defies the logic we have set up for ourselves. Do things get more 'stable' as time goes on? Perhaps I should be optimistic about "flying with no direction", after all, you can see so much more up high when you're not stuck on the ground. Or perhaps the uneasyness of our openess is a sign that we need more direction? Akin to: "Someone who learns everything about something knows everything about one thing. Someone who learns something about everything knows everything about nothing." Yeearrgh... I hate the "two of one thing, one of another" teetertottering. What's the secret guys? I know it's not a magical phrase or anything... but I'd be really interested in hearing the different perspectives floating around on these awesome boards.