She said she wants to separate...
 

Ok this is some shit. We have been married for three years and have two kids and now all of sudden she wants to separate and try to figure herself out, she does not know what she wants, and by moving in with her sister she thinks that it will somehow put perspective on everything and she will be able to figure out what exactly she wants in life.

So that means that we have to split up the stuff and I will have to quit my job and get one that I won't have to work on weekends seeing as how I will have to watch them for 3 days fri sat and sun. She expects me to pay for the kids to go to day care and she can work on the weekends and go to school during the week days. As for me, I am going to have to move back in with my parents till I find a decent job and can get a place on my own.

So now that I am done ranting I want to know if anyone has ever separated and then got back together? Or does it always end in divorce?

I just can't beleive this, we hardly even fight.

Well if anyones got any suggestions.......thanks

Man, you've got to give us more info. Why does she want to separate? What's been happening between you two?

Sounds like you got married pretty young, and now she thinks she's missed out on all the "fun" of being single, when she was home being a mom and a wife. The grass isn't always greener, which, I am sure she will find out soon enough, but, it's probably something that she's got to figure out for herself.

Uprooting the kids is a tough situation, but kids are stronger than you think, they can take it, just don't stop loving them, and take care to not badmouth mom in front of them.

Seperation doesn't have to end in divorce, but it's best to prepare. I'd talk to a lawyer, about a custody agreement, and about child support.

Take a deep breath, and figure out what your options are right now... Why do you have to change jobs? If you have a job right now, why not work something out so that you aren't overly inconvenienced.

You haven't provided too much background info concerning the status of your marriage prior to your wife dropping that bombshell on you. But assuming that everything was just fine prior to this I'd say that she's either been cheating on you with another man and can't bring herself to admit it to you or else she's found someone else that caught her attention and is trying to break things off in order to pursue something else with him.

I know my prognosis sounds extremely grim and pessimistic, but I don't see any other way someone could just one day wake up and tell you they want to separate when everything has been going relatively alright between the two of you.

Unfortunately I must agree. I have a friend, in his 40's, who was deeply in love with his wife. When she reached her sexual peak, she noticed men looking at her and she decided to act upon it. Thing is, before her hormonal revolution, she used to despise guys who looked at her like a piece of meat. Suddenly all that attention went from a con to a pro for her, but killed their relationship.

I for one cannot condone this act, but it's inevitable when it comes to women who feel deprived of a young, fun life. They reach their sexual peak and figure that they can go out and have all the sex that they missed out on when they were in high school and college. The hard thing for us guys is that it isn't hard at all for a woman to get laid; so if she's thinking of cheating on you, she probably already has.

I'm sorry, man. I'll be praying for you.

OK well I was hoping that I would not have to go through the long and boring story of my life so I will try and keep it short.

We met through a mutual friend and we hit it off right away, within a few months she was pregnant. She was seventeen and living with her sister who adopted her cause her mother died and her father went to jail on sexual abuse of her younger sister. So we thought about adoption first and we decided that we had a good support system and we had inherited her mother’s life insurance when she turned 18. It was about 40K we bought a car paid off another and bought a condo. We invested the rest into Williams communication stock and eventually lost it all. But that’s another story. So I had a decent job and we were both happy until I got laid off. I eventually found another job, but she had to start working. Then she gets pregnant again and I want to get a better job and I start working for a mortgage broker. I think I am going to make a killing so I bought a new house. So far so good. We move into our house and everything’s OK until the mortgage payments start taking a toll and my job which is based on commission is getting less and less stable. Things start to get worse between us. She is going to school full time and working full time and so am I, but we are barely getting things paid and we start having to use up our credit cards. Things start going from bad to worse when she stops having a sex drive after the second one was born. She gets on the shot and she dried up, we had sex maybe 10 times in a 6 month period. We have problems but we don't get into fights. She gets depressed sometimes but nothing to the point of breaking. So then comes winter when the slow time in the mortgage industry starts and I have no income for two months. We decide that the only thing that we can do is file for bankruptcy. Our condo and the house and all the credit cards were over 250K. But I though that starting over without all this debt would change things and she would be happier cause there would be less stress of having to pay the bills. But we start getting into more fights over stupid shit. She does not like the way I wash the kid’s juice cups or something like that. we hardly ever yelled before and now she is throwing shit all over the place (note: she is fillipino so they do have tempers) So I am thinking that if I take care of the house as much as possible she can concentrate on schoolwork. But she gets depressed and "unmotivated" to do anything and she says it’s my fault. I found a piece of paper that she was writing on that had some clues that she was planning on moving out. And I asked her about it and she said that she was seriously thinking about it. She wants to get away so she can do her school work and she thinks the only way she can do that is if she is not near me. As if I am some black hole that swallows all motivation and inspiration. So she thinks by doing this it will allow her to get to know herself and what she wants from life. She does not have many girlfriends and she wants to have more time to spend out with the friends that she does have. (By the way any time she ever wanted to go out I would have not problem with it and I would watch the kids. But if I ever wanted to do something like play basketball once a week she would give me all sorts of shit.) The only problem is that by moving in with her sister who also works full time and goes to school is that she is not going to have any time. I will have the kids from Thursday evening till Sunday evening, so I would have to get a job that did not work during the weekends; she won’t have them on the weekends because she is a server at a restaurant and cannot make any money by not working weekends. She is planning on paying rent and her car and insurance and utilities, but I have to pay for the day care. Which she wants to be every day M-F which I say ain't gonna happen. Just on Tues and Thurs when she is in school. But anyway no I do not think she is seeing anyone else. I don't think that she has the self confidence to do that. She is very self conscience about her breasts that deflated after pregnancy. (She wants implants) plus that fact that she has always said I was the best sex she has had. And without having much of a sex drive anymore I doubt that is the case. Although I do not rule it out.

So going through all of that and I never treated her poorly. I have tried to do my best to provide and unfortunately I have failed miserably. I just would to fail at this marriage too.

I have never been a jealous person and I keep my temper at bay most of the time, so when she laid this on me I just listen and make suggestions but did not get upset. I don't know if she was mad or relieved that I did not get enraged, but she did say "this is exactly how I thought you would respond" so I don't know what that ment. I would like to think that she is just saying this to get me to chase her or somehow show her that i will fight for her, but after today when she said she just does not like being around me and wants to get away and be herself, I have my doubts.

So again I would have to ask how much should I let her go? should it be ok if she wants to see someone else? should we continue to have sex? would we go out at all or do we just not see eachother unless she is dropping off the kids? She has said that she will go to a marriage councilour, but when I asked her today if she would fight to keep our marriage she said no, but that might change cause I really don't want to get a divorce, I just need so time.

So now I wonder just how much time is she talking. And why is it that she "does not like being around me"?

Just for the record no we did not use condoms cause she does not like them, and we tried counting days which does not really work all that well.

The funny thing is that I have sort or been expecting it and I have kinda kept myself from getting too attached, which did not work cause I know this is going to be very hard on me. I just did not think it would be so soon.

My opinion:

First of all, you shouldn't be quitting your job just so you can take care of the kids. You should keep your current job and make HER work it out (or at the very least, both of you keep your jobs and find a way to make it work) so that the kids are taken care of. It's no fair to drop this piece of shit bombshell on you and expect to have you take care of everything while she's at her sister’s house doing nothing and going out every other night after school while she knows that the kids are being conveniently taken care of. I think that she doesn't want to do the work. Maybe she really is burnt out too. I don't really have enough info to determine that. I kind of went through the same thing with my wife. She snapped in a very similar way like yours did. I really don't know what the fuck happened to make her snap like that but it all started when I hung up her clothes in the wrong direction in the closet (yes her clothes has to face a certain way when they're hung up in the closet or I'm not "respecting her needs." Women... :rolleyes: ) after doing laundry before I went out of town for my job at the time. So I kind of know what you're going through, but without kids being involved.

I don't know about her fucking around on you, she might be, I'd just be on the lookout for warning signs. And not knowing your wife, I really can’t say what those are. Only you'd be able to determine that. Maybe she feels that she missed out on her "youth" and wasn't able to fuck everything in sight. Personally, sometimes I feel the same way your wife does. I didn't go out fucking everything in sight and I got married at 20. I'd be lying through my ass if I said it's been easy for the last 8 years we've been together. But I know one thing, her saying that she wouldn't fight for her marriage isn't a good sign. But you already knew that. Don't know if this helped you or not but at least know that you aren't alone.

Man this is a mess, but the on piece of advise I will give you is: DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB.

Just don't. Work something out, have her also work something out. She can't just get up and leave and leave you with all the shit to sort out. Its her kids too.

DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB!!!

Well get this, this morning I wake up and she is not here. She works till 2 at the bar, so I usually don't wait up for her. I woke up this morning and she is not here. I kinda freaked out thinking...well you know. I called her phone and no answer so I called her sister and she told me that she is proably with whoever it was she went out with on saturday. the day that this all started. Apperently she met someone she used to work with (a girl) and they went out on sat. then all of a sudden she realizes just how much she missed going out. So I think that has alot to do with this, she told me about all these people that hang out at this bar that she knows from school and past work. What makes me mad is that she knows I like to go out also and would like to go with. I am not a jealous person so its not like I would care if she talks to guys that are there as long as she, well you know, is not sitting in their lap or whatever.

As for her wanting to fuck anything that moves, well she was doing that before she met me, she has been sexually active since she was 13. so she has had a few more partners than I.

And my changing jobs is not that big of a deal, I want to get a job that I have been looking at for a while that does not work on weekends. Right now I am selling Homes for a new home builder here in Tulsa and its not paying what I need for as many hours that I am putting in.

Has anyone separated and then got back together, somehow worked things out? or should I just figure this is just preliminary divorce?

Huh?? You've been trying to keep yourself from getting too attached TO YOUR WIFE? That's just... fucked up to say it plainly.

You two both have real big problems. With yourselves and with eachother. What you need to do is sit down with her, either alone or with a counsler and have a frank and honest discussion on if you really want to make the marriage work.

i cant believe I missed that in his post, and yes it is fucked up.

P -- She going out and not telling you is BS, as long as she is in this relationship with you she needs to tell when and where she is, especially since you two have children together, that need looking after.

This excuse of her "missing going out and how much fun it is" etc etc is a load of crap. A big load of crap.

The two of you are married, thats called commitment. Before she can break that commitment and start fucking all about as she wants she has to divorce you, and even then there is still the children.

Talk to your WIFE and get your shit sorted NOW, or get a divorce. Your kids don't need the vanishing mommy magic trick in their lives, it not funny, and its sure as hell not fun for them. At this point to me it looks like you need a divorce, but this is not something that I or anyone else can or should decide for you.

The two of you obvioudly, well to me, got married in less-than-ideal circumstances, ans thats looking for trouble right from the start, and something that you should never have done.

Well I have been through this. Best thing is to keep your self very stable, for the kids sake. I she is wanting to party and have a good time this may not be the best thing for the children. I have one child and I have custody of him. The best thing I ever did. I was able to keep my job and life with him. I didn't do it to take him away from his mother but to keep him in a stabe home.

This will also help in the area of child support, and extra expenses such as daycare bills. So get the children in a stabe place. This can be done befor the divorce, and in just a seperation situation. Get a lawyer.

Dude, you're describing my ex exactly. She wants out. She wants to re-live those lost years. She doesn't want any responsibility. If she pulled an all-nighter the very same day that you talked about separating, she's had this on her mind for a while and hasn't had the guts to do anything about it. My ex did the exact same thing. I very seriously doubt that there is anything you can do about it. She wants to party but she's scared to dump you completely. I'd put her on the spot...stay or go. Either way, make it permanant. Don't let her string you along. You'll feel better in the end knowing you didn't let her fuck with you.

She's an adult, you can't truly stop her from doing anything, she has to want to stay with you...

Should it be ok if she wants to see someone else? Open marriages work for some, and maybe it's something you want to explore, but, doesn't sound like it would fix the problem just further complicate it.

How you work the seperation is entirely up to you. Kids aren't stupid, they see things, I have seen what a bad breakup has done to a friends child, this little girl is going to be in therapy for a long time because the parents can't be civil to one another and they use the kid as a weapon.

Take time away from each other, then revisit hwo you both are feeling.


I'm not sure where I've heard you say that you truly do love her... How do you really feel about her? What's your heart tell you?

Yeah that sounds worse then what I ment. I have had problems in the past where I get so attached that when the girl left I was so crushed I wanted to die. After that happened a couple times and I realized how big a pussy I was being I decided not to get so "attached" to someone. I don't want to get hurt like that again, and by bracing myself for something like this knowing that girls her age and in this type of situtation often tend to do things like this and I don't want it to destroy me. Which I think would happen anyway now.

UPDATE:

She got home a bit ago and was really upset. She was saying that this is not what she wanted and she was really sorry for what she was doing to me. Apparently she was out drinking with friends from work and was too drunk to drive home. so she crashed at someones house. But before she passed out she almost had sex with some new guy at work. she said they made out and she wanted to do something but could not bring herself to do it. So now I am going to have to figure out what we need, a separation? or just some marrage counciling and move back in with my parents till we get things sorted out. I hope that she is not just saying all this cause she feels bad. you know every time you get drunk you swear it the last time. I just hope that she will still want to work on us next week and the week after that and so on, ya know?

Thanks guys for listening and for your advice. Its nice to have some peeple out there that care and want to help.

If she is serious about keeping this relationship with you, I'd say she needs to quit working at that bar. It sounds like there's too much easy temptation for her there if things go even just a little bit wrong.

Man you two need to have a serious pow-wow. And yes get marriage counceling this very week and get talking in a neutral, arbitrated environment. Do it and do it now.

It would be great if the two of you and your kids can start spending the weekends together, I really think that its important that the lot of you get time together, as ewll as the two of you for alone time. Drop the kids with the grandparents or something and spend some time together.

The other thing would be some rules for the two of you like, don't go out drinking without letting the other know, don't make out with other people, don't fuck other people etc etc.

And make an ultimatum, if she makes out with another guy again, or sleeps with him, or anything like that, she's out. Then you get a divorce.

Draw the lines in the sand and stick to them for all that you are worth, and carry through the consequences.

No matter where she works, except maybe for a retirement home, there is going to be temptation. The problem in this case is not the environment, but the person. She needs to be able to resist temptation, whether she's drunk or sober.

If she can't stay faithful to him while working at that bar, she won't be able to anywhere else either. Not even in a retirement home.

eeeeww :hmm:

Strangely enough, this is exactly what happened to a couple I know. One day he moved out, saying he needs to figure things out, becasue he's not sure iof they even fit together, since they are so different. All this came after 4 years of a steady relationship. It turned out, as it usually does, that he found someone else. As grim as it may be, apparently this is what happens a lot.

I'd have to agree with what the other people are saying here... She is tempted by too much eye candy. I've seen many relationships like this (including two of my own) that all lead down the same road. She wants to see if there's "bigger and better" out there. Maybe not so much you, but it could be her life she feels as well. If she really loved you this wouldn't be an issue. I'm sorry if I sound mean, but from what you've told us, it really sounds like there isn't much hope for a happy relationship here.

Drop her and find you someone else. She ain't worth your time and she is ho'ing around. You don't need that drama in your life...

Live life to the fullest and don't ever let anyone bring you down. Only you know what makes you happy...so be content in that and don't even think twice bout her.

You mentioned that after your second child, she got the shot... I'm assuming depo-provera?

Just from personal experience, that stuff is bad ju-ju. My Ex changed within a few months of getting it. She became incredibly moody, and arguments over the "small stuff" almost broke us up a few times. Her whole personality changed.

Combine that with the fact that she feels she is missing the best time of her life; tied down with 2 kids, a husband, and mounting debt.

You could salvage the relationship if you are both willing to make sacrifices. Whether or not it's worth it is up to you.

p.s. Don't quit your job until you have something better lined up.

The kids, man! What about the kids?
Hardly a word has been said about the kids.
Your wife is not an adult. She is a child.
You two need serious counciling. If you want this marriage to last, run, don't walk, to the nearest marriage councilor.

Phyzix,

I got married in Jan. we had been together exactly 1 year. After the marriage and honeymoon she was having trouble adjusting and moved out. She wanted us to work on us. I thought we were and then she decided she wanted a divorce.

That was 2 months ago. Now we date and are rekindling what we had before we got married. It's tough but from my situation I can say that the time apart has allowed both of us to see what went wrong and to work on the matters we needed to.

Now communication is so much better, the attraction has come back and the fun and love we shared is back, because we worked on our individual problems and our couple problems.

I can't say this will help you, but I am answering your question that YES, couples do get back together after seperating, as long as that is what both of them want.

When my wife moves back in will it work? Hopefully. One thing we both learned was when we lived together we had started taking each other for granted and had stopped listening to each other. So she bitched and I ignored and pushed her away.

Sometimes we need to step back see what the problem is and then tackle it. We have and we are doing quite well now.

Not much advice I can give that hasn't been said, but my brother and his wife split up for a bit (more like he left her but that's another issue) and they got back together. Just another example that it can happen if both people want it and are willing to realistically assess the situation.

I strongly suggest marriage counseling.

Good for you that you were able to work it out between you two. My wife pulled shit like this on my a couple of years ago and it was stressful as fuck. If she pulled it again, I'd probably just say fuck it and let it end. I don't really want to go through that stress again.

Sounds just like my parents. Take it easy on the kids.

I hear ya Fly. Stress and anger were my Summer events, but we both grew.

Glad to hear you and your wife worked it out as well.

I definately agree if she ever leaves me again it is over. WE still have our ups and downs but instead of lasting days or weeks and building up, we get them out and work through them as they come up. May not be perfect, but as long as we work on it we'll be fine.

The most critical thing from my perspective is the kids, they need to be protected, as much as possible from all the games that their parents are playing which each others minds.

Can you send them away for a short time whilst you try and work it out. It can be really damaging to young minds to see the implosion of their worlds and they will take a long time to recover.

From my experience, I divorced ten years ago, constant contact and a genuine committment to them is critical regardless of how I feel about their mother (whom I hate for what she did to me). O and by the way, the kids shouldn't be a weapon that you use against your ex.

OK, today I think things are going a bit better. we had sex the other day and it was good. She told me that she masterbated with the vibrater that I bought her nearly a year ago and she hasn't used untill now. Which is cool, till I made the mistake of asking her what she was thinking about. And she admitted to thinking about some guy she met at work that drives a new RX8. So I am like OK well I can't be mad at her right cause I look at porn on the internet when I masterbate so no big deal right? Then later tonight I was able to get my mom to watch the kids and I went to her work to watch the Bengals game and to find out when she got off so we could do something. And she said that she was planning on going out with some friends and she acted like she did not want me to come with. so I asked what was up and she was just like "I just don't like hanging out with you at a bar, its weird. So I left and picked up the kids and went home. now I am pissed and just writing on here for some therapy. But really don't I have a right here to be a bit upset?

Also I am a bit drunk so sorry if its poorly written

No offense, man... but she's bullshitting you. She did have sex with that guy because there's no way a woman who's already considering leaving her husband and passed drunk in bed with a guy she's attracted to could say no to sex when she's been making out with him to begin with.

I should have made myself more clear, they were at a bar at the time. then she was taken to a freinds house cause nobody knew where she lived.

Man, I'm sorry but I gotta agree with doncal. I think she's bullshitting you too. That statement you wrote about her not wanting to hang out with you at a bar is complete bullshit in itself. A woman not wanting to go to a bar with her own husband?? Girls night out is one thing, but her shrugging you off like a bad habit is full of shit. I think she already fucked that guy that drives that RX8. She admitted to thinking about him when you two were having sex. And I'm sorry, if my wife admitted to me that she was thinking about some other guy who she has access to while we were fucking, I'd be pissed. So what if I masturbate to porn? Those girls don't work at my job and I sure as hell aint gonna have a chance to fuck their brains out. Porn is a fantasy. Real flesh and blood trying to fuck your wife behind your back isn't. Personally, she'd be out on her ass to go find her new boyfriend if I caught them doing shit like that and then lying to me about it. But that's just me.

Also you said:

"I should have made myself more clear, they were at a bar at the time. then she was taken to a freinds house cause nobody knew where she lived."

I don't think it matters whose house she went to. Did this RX8 guy end up there too? I think your wife has some growing up to do and that she doesn't know what she wants. And I know where you're coming from cause like I said before, my wife pulled the "I want to find myself" shit on me a couple of years ago.

I just read your last post again just in canse I missed something and I wonder, who are these "friends" she's going out with? Is she constantly fucking with this guy behind your back and claiming that she's going out with "friends" to keep you in the dark?

Keep an eye on her man.

Well, you know... in a relationship both sides should have more good things coming out of it then the bad ones. What's the point of staying in a relationship, if your partner constantly makes you feel bad, or anxious? None.

Many people here have suggested marriage counselling, and to be extra carefull about the kids. All of this is very sound advice, but knowing the reality, and how some people can simply not give a fuck, I'm affraid that this relationship is done for. You should take steps right now so that you will be ready when the shit hits the fan (and I'm sure it will - soon).

This whole thing is like a flashback to me. 2 kids. wife worked at a bar n grill. Read my post above. Dejavu. She said she didn't sleep with him. It's weird hangin out with you at the bar. You're home with the kids. Man, everything you say is EXACTLY what happened to me. Has she started treating you more like a friend and confiding in you things that you don't really want to hear? She loves you but not sure that she's "in love" with you? Do you get the feeling that everyone at the bar thinks you're an asshole and they know something that you don't. I thought it was paranoia...turns out it wasn't.

I have to say...I'm very concerned for you.

I don't think that she has slept with the RX8 guy. His name is Joe I find out. Apparently he is just taller and older and hits on her alot. He was drunk one night and she was able to drive his car. Its her dream car and has always wanted one, so I heard all about her driveing it, but never really got good details as to how or why, just that he was too drunk to drive. As for the guy she kissed at the bar, well thats another guy altogether. She just has a thing for taller skinnier guys. I am like 5 10ish and 195, I am loosing some weight by dieting and excersizing, but I will never grow any taller. I just think that she is wanting something that she does not have.

The other day we were at the walmart and somehow we were talking about her kissing that guy and I said jokeingly "you know since you kissed that guy I should be able to kiss a girl, you know its only fair." She said that she would not care. Not cause she is sorry for doing it, but that she just wonldn't care. The biggest thing that pissed me off, is that it is near impossible to met any girls when you work selling houses all day and then come home to watch the gils, I never see anyone except for a few older people at work. So I could not cheat if i wanted to. I don't want to, but sometimes I think that if I did maybe it would wake her up a bit.

So as for last night, instead of comeing home to watch the movie that she wanted to watch, she went out with friends till all hours of the night. I was hoping that after I left the bar she would come right home.

As for her "friends" I really do think that she is going to bars, she comes home drunk and I have seen recipts from the debit card she used. I don't think that she has slept with anyone yet, she could hardly look at me when she kissed the guy the other day. I don't think that she would do it. At least I hope not.

I can't just give up on this relationship. there has to be some way of salvaging this, even just while the kids are still young.

I hate to say it, but you need to move on for your kids' sake! They should have a stable home with loving parents! Right now it sounds as though your wife is solely concentrating on herself. In turn, she is making you so upset that I'm sure you can't concentrate on the kids and give them the love they deserve!

I've been married for several years and we've had our ups and downs. Anytime that I feel like my love and attention is being wasted, I refocus it all on my boys. I end up spending more time with them and am much happier in the end. I think that a lot of times just being a joyful person will attract others to you. Those others could include your wife. Who knows, you could attract someone who appriciates you a lot more.

Man, read your last post again, preferably when sober so you can see what you're actually saying!!

She's talking about how she has a thing for other guys and talking about how she keeps kissing on one guy when she goes out to party while you're at home being responsible taking care of the kids? (That alone by the way is reason enough for me to boot her out on her ass in my opinion) Don't you see how royally fucked up that is !?!?! She want's to party all the time, party all the time, party alllllll the timmeeeeee!! Seriously, I’d be considering throwing in the towel on this one and chalk it up to experience. Either that or its ultimatum time. She's not 21 anymore, she has two children, it time to grow the fuck up!!!!

Dude, don't kid yourself, you need to confront her on this and find out what the fuck she wants. If she want's out the let her the fuck out. I wouldn't put up with shit like this especially if there's two kids involved.

She just needs to grow up.

Woah Woah WOAH.... Serious red flags going up all over the place. Get counseling together, because you're both breaking your contract and trust with each other all over the place. Be prepared, counseling doesn't fix everything, and one person cannot repair a relationship if the other simply isn't interested. Be aware, she's NOT telling you everything. She PROBABLY doesn't want you at the bar, as it will cramp her "style". AND... if it's taller skinnier men that are an issue, losing weight on your part won't fix ANYTHING, because she has CHOSEN not to be in love with you.

Everthing that happens is the result of a CHOICE. You may choose to ignore it, or to act in any number of ways. but either way, it's a choice.

Actually she is 21. That is part of the problem. I don't mind if she wants to go to bars, its just she is slacking in her responsibilities at home and I have to do extra.

She does need to grow up, but she has been so mature in the past, haveing to grow up fast when her mother died and her father went to jail. She has been an adult since she was 13 practicly. She has never had any real friends before and now that there are people giving her attention she never got in high school and she wants to do things that she never was able to do cause she had a kid at 18. I expected this, I really did, but now its worse then I thought.

I sat her down today and told her that she needs to get her priorities straight, or she is going to have to leave. I told her I deserve someone that loves me and likes me for who I am and enjoys spending time with me. I said that if she is not interested in trying to make things work then I am out. We will see if anything changes the next few days.

This is an incredibly sad story.

Where are the children, and how are they doing? Who's taking care of them?

A break from each other probably wouldn't be a bad idea, where she can get her head together, and you can as well and decide what you want, for each other. The children are so important, but they deserve parents who are happy, not parents who are miserable.

You got married under non-ideal circumstances... If you want this to work, because you truly do love her (her - the person, not the mother of your children) then get into counseling - talk out your problems and decide where you want to go...

Counsiling is on the top of our list, but unfortunatly the only ones we know of that we could afford (free) at at churches, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I don't want to hear about our marrige won't work if we are not ideal christians, cause I know there are alot of unbelievers that have great marriages. Plus I want someone who studied this kind of thing in school, not just some assistant pastor with nothing else to do.

As for the kids, well they are not really involved. I don't think that they can tell one way or another being as young as they are, but also cause we are not always at each others throats, my friends had no idea that we were having problems and I think they are a bit more observent.

No matter what happens between us the kids will always be taken care of.

My wife and I went to counseling without insurance. They will usually work out a payment plan with you. I was in a tight spot with money at the time, but it was one of the best investments I ever made. I learned a lot about how to communicate with my wife and the things I was doing that I would never have noticed. It does however need to be a two way street. You can change everything about yourself, but your wife also has to be willing to make changes in herself and want things to work.

Nothing against the church, but I don't think religion is going to be the answer to your problems and I'm not sure that the church counseling is going help.

I don't think cheating on her with some girl would "wake her up" at all. A lot of people that are cheated on react this way. However it's not about fixing, or healing, or making something better...or waking someone up. It's just about vengeance. Petty, useless, perhaps justified vengeance. So far you've been the mature one in this relationship, I hope you'll continue on that path.

As for these "new guy" things... I think there's a difference between jacking off to downloaded naked pictures of some girls you don't even know, and fantasizing about your co-worker while you're getting off. When your spouse would rather masturbate than have sex with you, this usually suggests there is a problem. While clearly upset, you seem to play her fuck-ups down a bit. You're giving her a chance after a chance after a chance after a chance.

My advice? Talk to a lawyer before she does. Prepare, get ready, gather your ammo. Seriously, it's not funny when it comes right down to it, you better be prepared. Love is wonderful, marriage is lovely, but divorce oftentimes means war. And based on what you've told us so far, I wouldn't trust the children in her care. You or the children do not seem to be her highest priorities right now. Which brings her maturity into question, in my opinion.

Her behaviour is selfish and irresponsible, and at the moment, you are an enabler. She knows that you'll stay home with the kids, she knows you'll foot the bill, you've become reliable, boring, unexciting, flavorless. So take initiative. Show her that you're not one to be fucked with. Things might take a turn for the better, in which case you'll end up with more hand in the relationship, and even if they didn't take a turn for the better, you'd at least be ahead in the game.

well said....

Agreed. You sound like you want to try to save it--good, I agree with the counselor route. But be prepared for the worst: from what we've read here, it doesnt sound good. Sorry man...

And don't kid yourself if things end up not working. Try stepping out of your shoes and looking at it from the outside. If it isnt going to work, don't continually try to save it. It sounds like she's already had plenty of chances, dont waste your time giving her tons more.

Been a few days....

How's it going with her?

Heres my perspective, can I venture to guess a few things about your relationship?

First, You are probably the type of guy that Deifys his Woman. You like to find someone great and then worship her as if she were a goddess. Although younger than you, she has been in many more relationships and doesn't seem to act like they are all that sacred. You have self confidence issues and are continually greatful to have her. She takes you for granted, like she has relationship-to-spare. To top it all off, she works at a bar where she is constantly reminded by attractive men that she has all the options in the world. (If you were less greatful for your relationship and worked at a place with 20 drunk hot women slapping your ass and inviting you into bed with them how would it affect you?)

You dont fight very much but you always feel like you are having to walk on your tippy toes not to piss her off. She gets mad (or is it upset?) often, and although there are very few harsh words, on those occasions there are very few words at all. You prefer not to fight (most likely because you are uncomfortable with confrontation) and are quick to just swallow your pride and apologize, just to appease her. Its always about her needs not yours, and shes always in control because youd rather just let her have her way than let whatever it is escalate into a fight. You spend alot of your time complimenting her and giving her your approval. She takes this for granted.

In my experience, women want your approval. But if they already have it just handed to them, there is no challange and they eventually get bored with you (If you give your approval away for free it seems worthless). Bringing this back to a childish dating game level, if it was me, I would take this approval away from her for a week or so. Don't compliment her, don't look at her like shes sexy, dont try to make her feel special. It might be really hard to resist doing these things as they seem so natural to you. Don't be mean to her at all, just be indifferent. Show her that she has been taking your attention for granted. When she asks you whats wrong act like you dont know what shes talking about. Set a time limit on this, and even if she trys to rape you before the time limit is up it just means its working, dont give in till your time is up, make up an excuse that you have to clean out the gutters and its really important or something.

I bet you pride yourself on your ability to avoid fighting. But fighting to you means "yelling" and to her it means being cross with each other. I know it seems backwards, but you should not be afraid to yell at her some time if she does something offensive to you. How often does she yell at you? You are allowed to yell at her that much (or even only half that much). This does two things, 1 it shows her that you are strong and its not ok to dick you around and 2 fights are necessary, they are oppurtunities to communicate things that can never be brought up when you are "being nice" to each other. You can just forget about these things because you are a guy, but for her they just steam in her brain if she doesn't get a chance to let them out. So she gets upset and never really gets to express it. When she told you she wanted to seperate, I bet she (if not conciously then subconciously) was trying to get you to fight with her (just once for goodness sakes!) and when you just remained calm and detatched, what did she say? "This is exactly how I thought you would respond"


How far off am I?

Not too far off really. But when I said we don't fight that much, or we hardly fight, I think it was more like "we don't fight much compared to...." I am actually someone who is attracted to conffrontation, I will argue with someone even though I agree with them just to argue. I try not to do that with her and try and keep her calm cause she has a temper. But there have been fights (one) where I told her to get the hell out of my house. Most of our "fights" are much more civilized and yelling is not what happens, more just the I am sick of you and I will just to everything myself look. I hardly ever get upset at her unless she is mad with me.

As for not giving her attention, well thats kinda hard cause I am just a loving guy to begin with. But I think you have a point and I might try it to see how it goes. It does seem like she wants what she cannot have so if I make myself unavaliable to her she may want me more....i dunno.

And as for most recently, well she has been OK, we are getting ready to move and I think that has helped some. She still wants to move out but is willing to wait untill we get counciling.

She told me the other day that she is just mostly depressed and thinks about killing herself sometimes. Which is not the first time I have heard her say this. Before we were married and once or twice when we were.

I think the only thing that will fix this is her figuring out what will make her happy. Its not going to be me or the kids or someone else. It is her and untill she can figure out that she needs healing on the inside, this is going to be the way she feels.

UPDATE:

Well things look bad today. We were laying in bed and she said that she was no longer attracted to me. She did not think that she will ever be able to change that. I got up and left, very angry but did not say much.

I drove over to my sisters and talked with her. We had a good discussion and I started feeling better. Realizing that her not being attracted to me is mearly a bi-product of not knowing what love is. She had a terrible childhood and her view of love is construed. So with help she should become aware of how she views love. In turn being attracted to me again. So I drive back home and talk to her about it and she gives me the I i don't want to work on it, I have been wasting my life.....blah blah blah. She did say she would go seek counciling with me, but she said that she doubt it would work. and with that attitude I doubt it would.

So now I feel like it is going to be hard for me to stay nice if we divorce. I just can't believe that after 3 years she would just walk away cause she does not think I am attractive anymore. It would be one thing if I bloated up after we got married, but I have been the exact same the entire time.

So I guess its off to see the divorce lawyers. well in time anyway. we will see how well she takes separation. Maybe in a few months I would be willing to take her back. Not sure.

The thing that hurts the most is that I will not be able to protect her and the kids. If they are no longer here....I can't watch them to make sure they are OK. That, and when I thought about our future, it was always full of happiness and success with her graduating college and getting a good job and I starting a business, kids in school and just living life to the fullest. now those dreams are replaced by what its going to be like seeing her with another man. Or having to tell my children why mommy and daddy are not living together. arrgggh this sucks

Hang in there, we're with you!

I hate to see a fellow Buckeye go through this crap, phyzix. I know it is small consolation, but you have people out here who have gone through this as well, and we are just wishing the best for you however it plays out. Good luck and feel free to IM me if you just need to rant...

That's pretty chicken-shit of her to try to pinpoint her (possible) infidelity and sudden change of heart on something that you can't change, nor has changed since you married her. If she wasn't attracted to you, then she shouldn't have fucking married you in the first place. Just keep this in mind, buddy: It's NOT you. There's nothing wrong with you; it's HER indecisiveness and lack of care for the lives of other people that got you in this situation. Don't let her make you feel bad about anything. Stay strong.

im really sorry man, i hope this gets better
but no matter what happens, the sun will keep rising and you will survive

I wish it was me, at least I know there would be something I could do about it. right now I just have to sit back and hope that she can accept the advice from councilours and others telling her she has problems that she needs to deal with. If it was just me I could change. I could do something to make her happy.

After we talked today I was very emotional. First time in a few years actually. I just walked into the bathroom and took a shower. Just trying to calm down not wanting my kids to see me that way. I stood there under the water and after a few minutes I thought I had it under control and then I thought about her and someone else. well I ended up punching a hole in the shower. Its fiberglass and it cut the crap out of my knuckle. but it was probably the best thing I could do. all the energy that I had stored up was expelled and I was able to calm down.

I watched some football and I started feeling weird and I thought that I should go talk to her. I walked in and asked her if the whole thing about killing herself was just cause she was upset or if I should really be concerned about it. She told me that she was mostly depressed bacuse she was upset at how much she was hurting me.

As she walked out of the house on her way to work she said that she still thought that moving out was good for now and that she would not see anyone and would not be going out all the time and would go to counciling with me and that after some time hopefully it will work out.

Hopefully this will work out. I will try and keep you all up to date if anything major happens.

Hang in there dude....

Well I just have to put my thoughts in to this...

I went thru two HORRIBLE divorces with my dad and my "mother" and my dad and his Ex wife. None the less it MESSES with the kids no matter what. So maybe bring the kids in to this and try to make her realize that IF a divorce does happen it wouldn't be a good thing for the kids. Im not saying USE them, just make her realize.

With the drinking, and "partying" she NEEDS to realize that booze wont make it all go away, hell it will probably make it worse. Your in the position that you just have to try to make her realize that you love her and she needs to become happy again. I think shes REALLY overwhelmed also. How old are the kids? Could you just work and pay all the bills? Could she wuit school for a while? Maybe just taking care of herself, and the kids would help some. I know that life is hard and overwhelming, most people can take it but some cant.....

Good luck for you and the kids and I hope the Wife comes around....

I second that. To an adult, divorce = Maybe new job, new home, loss of a companion, lots of stress. To a child, it goes like this:
Divorce = Confusion, moving, loss of friends, coping with a new environment and a new school, trying to understand why "mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore," dealing with overly-stressed-out parents, wondering which parent you'll have to live with, wondering how often you'll be able to see your other parent (which often leads to animosity against the one you're living with), and so much more. I know; my mom went through multiple marriages when I was a kid, and by the time I graduated high school, I had gone to a total of 8 different schools, starting with elementary school.

If divorce happens I am going to try and make it as simple as possible. we don't have hardly anything after the bankruptcy, so that should not be hard. The kids are not in school yet and we plan on having them a split amount of time per week. Once she finishes up her 2 years here in tulsa she will ether move to OKC or stay and go to TU. Either way she said its up to me if I want to go to OKC if not she will stay. She has to stay in OK in order to get her college paid for free, and she has to be a full time student and use up her money within five years of starting.

This morning she is going to go talk with my sister for a while, we will see if anything comes out of that. She just went through a divorce.

That's co-dependency talk; don't beat on yourself that way. It's her issue; you may have to deal with the fallout, but you are not responsible for whether or not she is in love with you.

This may be petty and not a core issue in the matter, but do not let her make you assume all the costs of raising the kids (ie don't let her stick you with the day care costs). If she wants to have a life where she can work, go to school and party she needs to split all of the costs of raising the kids 50/50.

That's kinda the vibe I get. She's being stupid and eventually shes going to realise it. The question is weather she will be able to admit shes wrong or just go on and keep being stupid.

1) She doesn't tell you where she goes.

2) She leaves you confused and dumps all the responsibilities into your hands like she doesn't care. (How motherly...)

3) She admits to being attracted to other guys she comes into contact with on a daily basis. Atleast she admits it, but that sends mixed signals. She says it casually, almost as if she doesn't care about your reaction to it. She doesn't say it in an I've been bad and want to tell you kind of way.

4) She's in fantasy land. A mother running off to party with her friends while leaving her husband at home. Very juvenile behavior.

5) She doesn't want to fix it. In 6 months she will realise how dumb shes being, but right now, she's blind.


It all comes down to this. Either she's having some sort of midlife crisis and will get over it, or she's done with you and has decided to dump all the responsibility in your arms and run off in search of fun like shes 16.

Give it some time. Tell her you have a problem with how she's acting. See a marrige counselor.

If she won't cooperate or be more reasonable after you've taken some reasonable and compromising steps (I mean you've already gone out of your way to accomodate her behavior)... let the courts make her responsible for her children and go find someone who cares about you.

UPDATE

She talked with my sister the other day. My sister went through almost exactly the same thing and she ended up getting a divorce 11 years into it. Anyway my sister said they had a good talk and that she cried alot. (my wife) (both are named jessica by the way) So when she came home that day it sounded like she was going to put off the moving out. Then last night we were talking on the phone and she asked me how I felt about her moving out on monday. I told her I thought she was making a mistake and she blamed me for trying to manipulate her and change her mind about moving out. Which is stupid, of course I don't want her to leave, but she has to make up her mind what she wants to do, I was just giving my opinion.

So now it looks as if monday she starts the move. The good thing about all this is that she is going to move into her sister's ONE bedroom apartment and is going to have the TWO kids 3-4 days a week. It will drive her nuts in a couple of weeks I am sure.

As for my job, well she is willing to work around it. so thats good.

I will tell ya how things go after monday I guess.

You know what? (And this will sound harsh) I say fuck her. Let her move out and try and take care of 2 kids in a one bedroom apartment. She won't last 2 days when it's her turn to have the kids. And when she gets that "party girl" out of her system, gets bored with that lifestyle of doing nothing with your life and she semi grows up a little, I'd tell her to fuck off if she came crying back to me after a while like nothing happened. A little girl (and that's what she is by the way, like you need me to tell you) putting me through all that stress and bullshit just because she's immature and can't grow up?

No thank you.


But again, that's just me.

Yeah the thought has crossed my mind. But in all honesty I would like to see my marraige work, and I will do what I have to to keep it...within reason. Its not like I got a lot of hot prospects right now either. but keeping an eye out though.

Dont let people make you feel like a bitch for wanting to keep your marraige. None of us know her.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying throw away your marriage. But what I am saying is that don't keep giving her chance after chance after chance after chance. Kudos to you for trying to make it work. But she has to put forth some effort too. And from what you've said, it seems like she has no interest in doing so.

Yet. I see her side of this from what phyzix525 has said. I'd probably have doubts too. She needs to work her way through them.

Having two kids in a one br apartment will surely be a problem, but what'll happen as a result, I'm not so sure.

UPDATE:

Well guess what, its only getting better. I was let go today from my job, not fired, but "let go". I sell homes, and the neighborhood that they were planning on putting me in is not going to happpen, so they are not willing to pay my salary if they don't have a place to put me.

My boss was really cool about it though, he is trying to get me on at a few places he knows. He felt really bad. I went in to see him cause I wanted a few days off next week to get my wife packed up and situated. I told him what was going on. Then after all that he was like, well hate to add more to your problems, but we gotta let you go.

Fun Fun Fun

Anyone ever have any luck with Monster or any of the online post your resume things?

I got my job from www.capitalareahelpwanted.com, it's a website that is localized. I noticed 2 for Oklahoma. I believe Broken Arrow is near Tulsa? If so, here's that site: http://tulsahelpwanted.com/home/34.htm?SN=184

Then there's one for Oklahoma City: http://oklahomacityhelpwanted.com/home/73.htm?SN=183

That might be a good place to start, as it's more localized than Monster.

Sorry you're going through such a rough time :(

I forget if it was Monster or Dice that worked most recently for me. If you're a real estate person, you shouldn't have too much trouble, no? Anyway, since you weren't fired, you should have unemployment insurance available, if you're in the US. Good luck!

(edit) Maybe this added item will help your wife get a clue. OTOH, maybe I'm dreaming. :>

UPDATE:

Well she moved out today. Its my first night alone. I am not doing all that great. I drove around trying to find a place to chill out but everything is closed on mondays. The house is a mess and I have hardly anything packed. I may have found a good job but I won't be able to interveiw for it till friday.

She really pissed me off tonight though, she said that she would come over after school and help pack her things and she called me and said that she did not want to come over cause it was late and she had to get up early. Well I already knew that she was going out cause her sister told me she was going to be stuck with the kids tonight cause Jess wanted to "go out and celebrate her freedom" I am thinking about taking the kids away from her cause she is not showing me that she is responsible enough to take care of them. It will be hard work on my part but I think its something that may need to be done to get her to realize that she cannot act like this.

Well thanks for listening, talk to you all laters.

Hang in there. Remember children come first.

I think this is an EXCELLENT idea personally.

Don't take this the wrong way and maybe I'm interpreting things the wrong way but I think you need to take a stand for yourself here. Moving HER stuff out of the house is HER responisibility. I don't think you should be packing any of her stuff. She should do it on her own AT YOUR CONVENIENCE, not hers. Change the locks on her also.

That's just my reaction. It's probably not that reasonable but the way I would see it is that she is hurting me and I'm going to do my best to give some back.

Regarding the kids, I really hope they get taken care of. It doesn't sound like she can do that right now. She seems to interested in passing them off on her sister so she can have fun. I do think that you should get the kids from her and force her to financially contribute to their expenses. Just cause your the man it doesn't mean you should shoulder all the burden.

Have you talked to a divorce lawyer yet?

Changing the locks is completely reasonable. She doesn't live there or have any rights there any more; she might as well get used to it.

The kids issue is hard to judge from the outside. Just remember that they are your #1 priority and do the best you can... the main goal is to minimize the long-term awfulness of this for them, even if you have to give in to your ex on points where you feel in the right.

Take the kids, man. If she want's to go out and be party girl and "celebrate her freedom" then fuck her, let her go. At least you have the balls to pony up some responsibility, be a man and take care of your kids. Leave the little girl behind. And I'd change the locks on her ass too.

I'll bet that it won't be long til her sister gets tired of babysitting just so she can party. Where will she go then? Right now she feels independent, when times get tough she'll come crawling back. Will you let her? Personally, I'd feel used.

The thing is that after she chooses to crawl back you'd know that she's been getting it on with plenty of guys. It's what people do when they are "celebrating their freedom." Will you really want her back after she breaks her marriage vows?

Phyz I truly do feel for you I know all of your frustrations and sadness I just went though a divorce it will be final for a month tommrow. I have two kids also 3 and 6 just remember they come first no matter what she does or says. My marriage ended because of her infidelity plus other things it wasnt all her fault but that was the reason I left but remember life does go on and things do get better with time and man if you ever need anyone to talk to shoot me a pm

This will sound cold, but in my experience, it is more than likely true. Your wife finds her relationship with you pretty dismal. She has to go to school (because she aspires to better things), work full time, study, take care of two kids, and she doesn't get many emotional strokes from you. But she does get hit on at work and that makes her feel attractive again.

So she wishes she could be free of all the stress and load your marriage means. I don't even know what to suggest to help here. She will miss the kids, and you, after a while at her sister's, but she will also remember how depressing the load of responsibility was. She probably won't come back.

I would recommend that you start preparing to get the kids. Talk to a good lawyer. Hide money, in unknown accounts. Take your photo albums and such and store them somewhere safe.

Then court her. She wants so to be courted. To feel young, attractive, free and happy again. If you can help her with this, then you'll stay married. But she's already 98% out the door, so you are about out of chances.

The kids are hurting by now, becuase they have sensed the stress, depression, and unloving feelings. Try to protect them, if you can.

God bless you.

Man.. I have been following this thread since page 1, and my heart goes out to you. It can be extremely painfull to your ego when something like this goes down, and that can hurt your recovery.

Please remember.. This isn't you, it is her. It is her ghosts that need to be exorcised, not yours. Keep your head high and love your kids like nothing else. The rest should fall into place. :)

How is her sister? Do you think her sister would take reasonable care of the children if she felt obligated to? Because if you arent worried about them getting mistreated by the sister then I would let this go. When the child (wife) wants to go out and party over and over and keeps leaving the kids with her sister (fluffing responsibility off on her sister that she normally would fluff of on you). Her sister is only going to put up with it for a while, a shorter while than you would, then she is going to let her have it. Moving in with her sister serves the purpose of being free from obligations to you while still having someone to clean up after her and be the grown up. Her sister will not let this last.

And on that note, maybe you should start showing her sister some attention. Dont hit on her, just when you pick up the kids, talk to the sister (maybe even more than you wife). Get to talking personally to her and vent (not angrily) to her about what your wife is doing to you. 1 this will make her fucking jealous as shite. and 2 if you can bring her sister to your side even a little bit, it will be very fruitful. Her sister has heard a totally different side of this and probably has very little concept of how much of an irresponsible child she is being. So right now your sister-in-law is probably trying to be supportive of her and just encouraging her and telling her its okay to be a child.


Maybe you should just print this whole thread out and give it to her. I dont know if that one would do any good, it would at least make her realize how much of a bitch she is being.

Good idea. She should see what other people think of how she's acting.

Probably not, with all the hiding of the money suggestions!

Well if he hasn't actually hid any money he has nothing to worry about!

Man it is so wild that I read this thread tonight. I normally only logon to look at the titty board, but since it is gone I decided to look around a bit. I to am from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. I have just gone through an extremely simuliar situation. I have been married for two years and have two children with my wife. She has done many of the things your wife is doing. I just filed for divorce last Friday, my wife signed a deal I offered her just today. I put myself through alot of unnessacery pain trying to make our relationship work and bring her back home ,counseling, church, quit drinking, the works . My advice to you: [B]File for divorce Immediatly![B] The sooner you decide this is not going to work the better you will feel every day. Get your children! If she decides she wants to divorce you and speaks to a lawyer, he will tell her to get physical custody of them and do not let you regain it. There is nothing you can do about this until you can get into court, and she will have an advantage over you. She is cheating on you! I am sorry to tell you this, but it is true. It is over the quicker you move the more chance you have to keep your children safe. She will get tired of this lifestyle and either try to screw you or crawl back home, either way you lose. You have a good chance of getting custody at this point, but that can change in an instant. And if she crawls back home and you take her, she will never respect you, and she will do it all again, maybe in three weeks, maybe in three years, she will feel as if you will always be there to take care of the kids and to take her back no matter what she does, just a fallback for when her "friends" are no longer there for her. PM me if you want I will be happy to tlk to you and support you. I can also give you the number to a very good Lawyer.

I fully agree with that.

wow. marriage is scaring me now, i'm soon to be married.. good luck with everything and again 'stay strong'

Well folks its been a few days now. To clarify some things, I am moving out also. I cannot stay where I am at and I am packing everything up and putting it into storage. I am moving into my parents house for now.

We have talked about our problems a few times now and what I am getting from her the most is that she is upset that I never went to college and that I am not dependable financially. I have had a lot of jobs in the past and its not like I am lazy, but the jobs just never seem to last. She feels that she will never be able to come back to me cause she cannot trust me and depend on me. She has also said that she just wants to see other people now too. I have made a deal with her that if she will go to counciling with me and it still does not work out I will be willing to get a divorce. But if she does not go, and she just gives up without trying then I am not going to be nice and will not co-operate. She said some things that were really hurtful when we were talking and I have to think that she said them just so I would get mad and want to get divorced too. That way she is not longer the bad guy. But its just so hard being alone. I have only a couple friends cause I was always working or watching the kids that I never went out. the places I have always worked at were with older people so I never met anyone there. So now having someone to go talk to is hard. Seeing her everyother day is really hard too. I just want to hold her and love on her. I don't ever want to go to bed cause I hate sleeping by myself in a cold small bed. Really the only thing keeping me from killing myself is my kids. I love them so much and I want to see them grow up. But I never thought it was going to be like this. I feel like such a pussy. I have not cried in years and now I can't even watch my kids without breaking down. You never really notice how much sex in on TV till your not getting any. I don't even know the last time I got sexually excited. Damn depression sucks.

Everyone says i should leave her and move on, I just don't know how to do that. I am going to have to see her almost every day. I love her so much I don't even care if she is doing this to me. I thought a couple weeks ago that I was prepareing myself for this to happen one day, man was I wrong. But even as I write this I just wonder how much of it is love and how much of it is my not wanting to be alone.

Sometimes I just wonder if I could leave and just walk away from the whole thing. kids and all, just move out of the state and never think about it again. seems sometimes like the only way I could do it.

I hope you won't do that to your kids. You sound like a good man caught in a meat grinder. http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/chaos/big1.gif

I know you feel like that, but you shouldn't. It's a tough time and it's hard to accept change. There is nothing wrong with crying, except for being ashamed about it. Time heals most things. Hopefully this whole experience will make you a stronger person in the long run.

Personally, I'd be planning on ways to get even with her. Things like sleeping with her sister, friends, anyone she knows that would sleep with you. I'd also try to make it as obvious as possible to anyone who would listen that SHE is the bad one here. I'd try to salvage some sort of vengance I could while also making sure that you get the kids and SHE has to pay child support. That's just me and I can be mean when I'm betrayed.

EDIT
I want to amend that a little. What I basically meant was that I'd go for an all out emotional assualt on her. Doing whatever I could do to hurt her emotionally, however, I'd leave the kids out of it.

Maybe some sex would help you out. I konw it's not as easy as it seems but with the internet there are so many easier ways to hook up. It's only temporary comfort but it might make you feel a little better.

About working, do you have a realator's license? You mentioned selling model homes. There is huge money in real estate and it doesn't require college. My brother in law went from barely scraping by to a half million dollar house in the span of about a year and a half. How would that be for revenge? Hell, if you had full custody of the kids you could be making a shitload of money AND getting money from her for the kids!!

I was talking to her today and she was saying that my threat of taking the kids is ok with her. She needs her time to get her school work done and so on. She was telling me how she wanted a few things now like the washer and dryer and the king size bed. She said she was talking to her friend who went through a divorce and how she was able to get the things she wanted by trying to go after the things her husband wanted. So I told her I would make it really easy, I said that I will get everything except for what I give her. If she does not like that then I can let her have the kids and I will just pay her child support, which she knows she cannot do and still go to school. Also I said if she wants to let me have the kids that I would file for child support. She has not done very much homework cause she was suprised when I said that and she said well you can't get much from me. I said that you have to pay support before you get anything. So she just changed the subject.

I was doing better today thinking about what it would be like to date again. Kissing a girl for the first time. That feeling you get in your stomach is something I have not felt in a while. But then I had to see her tonight and it all went down hill from there.

Some advice for you all who are not married, think long and hard about it before you do.

Why not. God damn it. Why can't I been the one who is imature and irresponsible. Fuck why do I have to be the one that gets fucked over? She is ruining my life, why can't I ruin hers?

I picked her up to get the crib from the old house today and I was asking her about when she is planning on moving into the 2bed deplex, and she was complaining about how expensive it all was, and I told her she should move back in and we could get counciling. I said I know you were happy at some point in the last 4 years. And she said something along the lines of no not really. Which pissed me off. She told me how great this past week as been for her and I just lost it. I yelled a her for quite a while about everything that came to mind. I was just pissed. It was kind of nice to finally get it all out. This weekend has just been really really shitty for me. Anyway I was so upset that I walked into out old bedroom where the bed was still there with our sheets still on it and I just broke down crying knowing that i will probably never sleep with her in that bed again.

The thing that really gets me the most is that she does not even miss me. Even her sister has told me she has been in a good mood. She told her that she wishes I would just get a girlfriend so I would just leave her alone. I just don't think she cares about me or the kids, otherwise she would have stayed and tried to work something out.

Well I am off to try and get drunk tonight. thanks for listening

Just don't take your anger out on your kids. They aren't responsible for her BS.

Fear not good people of the TFP.

I had a good talk with my parents (first time since this all has really happened) and they have talked some sence into me. I am going to get myself back into college, or actually just take a few business administration classes at the local community college. I want to start a coffee shop. It also just so happens that my Dad knows a guy who started one in dayton OH a year ago and has made good money from day one. So I thinking as soon as I get my house cleaned out that I am going to take a drive up to OH for a week or two and work with this guy. I can also see my brothers, a sister and my grandfather while I am there. And see a buckeye game. It would give me a goal to attain and something to look forward to.

For the first time a a few years I really think this is what I am supposed to do. Also I am going to keep the kids, my parents said they will do anything they can to help with them, and my mom said she would practically raise them herself if I would go to school. I think it would be best for the kids to stay here at my parents house at least untill my wife is done with college, and then we can figure it out from there.

Its getting late so off to bed I go, and for the first time in a few weeks I am not depressed thinking about it.

That's good to hear man. Keep your head up. Glad to know that your life is taking a direction :)

Heres some advice that has been very good to me in the past. While your feeling UP, write down why. Make yourself write like 2 or 3 pages about why things arent so bad and it will really help you keep that mindset. And it is the mindset to keep.

I am overjoyed to hear that your parents can help you out... keep up your support network! You will make it. Going back to school is a good idea. Best wishes!