CityOfAngels

My co-worker is 36 and I turn 20 tomorrow (August 20th). A joker as always, he asked me, "Hey, wanna know something messed up? If I were to date a girl 8 years younger than me, that would be ok. But if you were to do the same thing, well, that would be SICK!" I couldn't agree with him more. But it had me thinking...

Recently, I was hit on by a 16 year old girl. At first glance, she could very well be up to 21 years old. She had a strong, seemingly mature posture; she had huge breasts (which I couldn't take my eyes off of, God bless my soul); she was beautiful, and she acted mature. When I asked her her age, she immediately looked down at the ground, as if she knew right then and there that I was going to say no, and said, "I'm only 16." Before I could get a word out, she ran off and I never saw her since.

Even though she was probably correct in her assumption, it broke my heart. Here was this girl that I was physically attracted to, and was seemingly mature enough to become emotionally attracted to, and all I could think of is my friends telling me, "17 will get you 25!" Apparently she is a friend of one of the guys I play basketball with, and when I asked about her, the rest of the guys jokingly shouted, "Oh hey it's R. Kelly!"

I've had this problem even in high school. When I was a 17-year-old Senior, I dated a 14-going-on-15 year old Freshman. My friends would always joke around by calling me "The Child Molester" and saying "When I have kids, and if they're girls, you ain't comin' over to my house!" I broke up with her, but thankfully it wasn't due to peer pressure (but now that I think about it, it could've played a huge factor); when she told me she doesn't think kissing another guy is cheating, I knew right away that she wasn't for me.

College came around, and I was 18. This 16 year old girl whom I used to always say "Hi" to in high school began taking a strong interest in me. She came over to watch Pink Floyd's The Wall, and when she said, "Hey, that rose looks like a pussy. Wanna see mine to compare?", it was on.

I dunno. I know my friends were joking when they called me "R. Kelly" and "The Child Molester," but something had to have gone through their minds to make that connection. My question isn't "What IS socially acceptable," but rather "What SHOULD be socially acceptable when it comes to age and relationships?" Was I wrong to plan on turning that 16 year old girl down? Or was my defensiveness against the law, AKA what IS socially acceptable, a reasonable basis for my actions?

If you wish, please share your own stories regarding this issue.

SecretMethod70

Well first of all, there is no restriction an DATING ages, just sexual activities. Second of all, many states have ages of consent lower than 18 - more like 17 or 16 - so chances are dating a 16 year old could put you in the clear even in that regard in some places.

More important than the technical issue is what is a good idea. Do I think it's generally a good idea for a 20 year old to date a 16 year old? Definitely not. But do I think there are cases in which it is understandable? Sure. I don't think a number should determine whether or not you have a relationship with someone. The reason we look to these numbers of age is because they are typically indicative of maturity. If someone is an exception to the general rule, then that changes the situation a great deal. The always present danger, however, with dating ANYONE who is of a high school age, no matter what the age difference is, is that personalities tend to change greatly in high school. Those relationships are almost always a crap shoot.

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whocarz

What's acceptable to me? Legally, I would say that when a person is able to support themselves fully, that they should have the right to be involved with anyone of the same situation. A girl who gets emancipated from her parents at 15, has a job, pays her bills, and lives on her own should be able to see a 30 year old man if that's what she wishes. However, on a moral standpoint, I'd say once a person stops developing mentally and physically, which happens to be anywhere from 16-20 give or take a few years, that they should be able to see others who also meet those requirements. Personally, I don't find myself attracted to young teengage girls so much. If I see a good looking girl in the 13-16 age range, I think "Wow, she'll be a beautiful woman," but otherwise I pay them no mind. Older women though, game on!

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macmanmike6100

i'm bad like that too, in that as a 20-year-old male, i'm still quite attracted to girls even as young as 17 (i was about to say 16, but that's no longer true, since the girl i'm thinking of has aged, as i have).

i don't think having sexual relations with any of the girls i'm thinking of would be particularly bad, despite the 17-year-old illegality issue. however, a large part of this attractive is related to the fact that i'm still quite young (as are you) so it's difficult to discuss the issue with legality and appropriateness together.

Meier_Link

I may be in the minority here, but I'm 23, and I would definitely go out with a 16 year old. Not younger than that though. I wouldn't expect any long lasting relationship with her, but I wouldn't rule it out.

Think back to high school... You know as well as I do that all the really hot chicks were going out with guys in their 20's.

Dale Kemp

The point in child protection laws is that children lack the maturity to make decisions in a mature way. So to protect them from their handicap, we require the adults to leave the kids alone.

We know that girls can enter puberty as early as 10, or as late as 15. But puberty only transforms their bodies, not their minds or emotional maturity levels. So a physically developed 13 year old may look adult, feel sexual, and want to have fun flaunting her newly developed charms, but she isn't ready to make adult decisions about sex, who to have sex with, why she wants to say yes or no, and what to do with the long term consequences.

So when does a girl become a woman? When she is old enough to deal with the baby that can result. If she is mature enough to bear, then she's mature enough to mate.

Once she is mature enough, if she decides to mate with a man much older than she, that's OK. And if a boy becomes a man, say .. . aged 25, and decides to mate with a woman much older than he, well that's fine to. But note that a girl usually becomes a woman much earlier than a boy turns into a man. Why, well, because a man old enough to handle having a child has to be able to support a wife and child. A woman only has to be able to nurse and change diapers, love her man and do without partying and so forth, to be a fit mother. That doesn't take as long to develop.

So date 16 year olds, but don't bed them.

Be very selective about 18 year olds you might want to bed.

Women in their 20s, unless they are party animals, are likely to be ready to bed and wed, but be sure you want the responsibility package that goes with it.

Cedar

The way I see it is, if you're both over 18 and consenting, have all the sex you want. Who cares as long as it's two adults making their own decisions?

I'm probably a little biased in this statement because I'm the first woman in generations of my family to not marry a man at least seven years older than her, but in any event I was raised in a family where age was not an issue. I'd have to agree with the "date whoever you want, but think twice before having sex with anyone under 18" statement.

Although, Dale Kemp, I'd have to disagree with this:
I will never be able to raise a child. I know I'm too self-absorbed and am paid almost nothing, and I really dislike children. But I'm not going to remain celibate because of that. This would read better if it said something about being mature enough to make the decision to use contraception responsibly or raise a child also responsibly).

doncalypso

First of all given that I'm 22 now I wouldn't go for any woman younger than 20... However, I'd be willing to go all the way up to 35 if I was single.

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Mantus

People can do whatever they want. As long as they both agree to it who am I to judge?

Cynthetiq

when I was younger I only dated older women... maybe they were only a few months older but never younger, and I definitely would never date someone 6 years younger than me. That's my sister's age!!!!

I didn't date younger until I met my wife, who is 2 months older than my sister.

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wilbjammin

And when is consent really consent? It is definitely hard to break it down into age group categories, since everyone matures at different rates. The age limit is meant to limit emotional damage and to prevent older people from using differences in age to manipulate people who aren't ready for sex to have sex. It is problematic, but I guess the real test for maturity then is if you're with someone younger than you and you have sex is if that person tells on you. It is a gamble. I remember hearing on the news recently that a teacher that had sex with some boy at her middle school really got into it because she "knew it was wrong".

In any event, I'm all for protective laws for children. I can't say how young too young is, but I will say that I have yet to meet a single high schooler that I thought was mature enough to handle a serious sexual relationship. There is something developmentally (either biologically or socially) that happens around the age of 19-21 where having sex and/or a serious relationship no longer is as plagued with weird high school emotional problems due to ignorance. Of course, people can continue being in high school mode for their whole lives, it just seems to me that it becomes an active choice soon after the age of 18.

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Captain Nemo

I met my wife when she was 22 and I was 31

Averett

Yikes...

What do I think about age differences? It's a case by case basis. I'd say nothing under 18.

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kreskin

Hey, all I can say is when I was 21, I was dating a 16 year old who was on her own. Even when I convinced her she was better off at home, her parents knew what was up and were OK with that because I wasn't a deadbeat with no job.

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Trisk

It really depends on the girl. It's stupid to have a magical age that people are suddenly "dateable", "sexable" or "mature enough". People mature at different rates depending on experiences from their past. Just get a feel for the girl before dating her. If you think she seems immature than don't even consider it. But if she suprises you with how adult she is, perhaps it's worth a try.

Aside from that though, 16 is a weird age. Some people might look down on you for dating someone who isn't 17 yet...not to mention that 16 is not legal in some states. It might be good to just wait till 17 to look better on paper

...then again, if you're 20, the difference isn't big enough for it to matter that much imo.

noctypair

Mr Noctypair is 35. Mrs Noctypair is 21. Age difference? Sure but it does not bother us. It did bother her parents a bit (so much that we had to elope), but they have come around

Cervantes

Agediffereice is not really an issue, as long as both can accept it it shouldn't be an issue at all as long as both are of legal age.

Age difference when one is underage is different though, it has nothing to do with puberty and everything to do with maturity.
The laws that governs the age of concent is supposed to protect the young from being exploited by adults, not inhibit their sexual development.
When the young is thought to be able to make these decitions is up for debate though, some countries it is down to twelve for one or both sexes (Argentina, Chile, Malta, Mexico, Netherlands, Phillipines) while other countries think that eighteen or even twenty is the appropriate age (Egypt, Japan, Tunisia, some states in US etc.).
In my opinion it is around fourteen to fifteen. But for a 20 something guy or girl to have sex with anyone under the age of eighteen is in most cases wrong. What other than sex with a virgin is there to such a relationship? It's not like adults have many common interests with youngsters these days.

As for me, being a guy that goes for a bit older women can sometimes be a bit troublesome but I think that experience (not many sexual partners, but experience in lovemaking (this gives me an idea, but I'll have to start another thread about that)) is way hotter than the innexpereince and very common selfesteem issues a virgin has.

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Flyguy

If, when I was 18 I knew then what I know now......

rocinante2003

My sweetheart is much older than me, and I would not change a single thing. I have experienced a lot in my life and feel more at home with older people. I think the key is to be with someone who you love to share your life with, not just have sex with. Age has never been a problem for us. My young looks however get a few people crossed up and cause quite a giggle.

stephthegeek

I have to echo what rocinante said. I have been almost seven years in a relationship with a much older man, which started when I was 15. There were some twisted circumstances going on in our lives then, and I ended up moving out that same year, and all I could say to the critics was "time will tell". And it has. There are exceptions to every rule. But it's like anything else... huge age gaps and/or relationships with a teenager can turn out wonderfully or go horribly, horribly wrong.

CoachAlan

When I was twelve, I thought some seventeen-year-olds were hot as hell. When I was seventeen, I thought some seventeen-year-olds were hot as hell. When I was twenty-four, I thought some seventeen-year-olds were hot as hell. At twenty-nine, many of them are still hot.

As I get older, the number of younger women I find attractive diminishes. Mostly because the difference in maturity becomes more and more glaring. Would I like to have sex with some of them? Of course I would. But I probably wouldn't do it. I'd feel too much like I was taking advantage of them. I may be physically compatible with a seventeen-year-old, but emotionally, it seems pretty unlikely.

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lukeswalewalker

There is a 11 year differance between my wife and my self. When we where married , I was 33 years old and my wife was 22. We have been together 15 wonderful years and will be together until one one of one of us departs this world. I think it may be me!
we are total life partners and will remain so.

RyeZingSon

When I was 19 years old, I started dating a girl who was 15. My friends gave me some crap about it, but there was no denying that we felt something for each other. We dated for almost 3 years. Her parents loved me. Even when I turned 20 before she turned 16. In the end, however it didn't work out just for the simple fact that we were both in different stages of our lives. My wife now, we are 6 years apart (I am 35 she is 29), but we don't have the same issues as I did with my girlfriend from back then. When you are younger, you mature faster and life changes more quickly. It makes sense that a bigger age difference when you are young is harder to have success at.

Bottom line is though I dated someone younger back then and it worked for almost 3 years. I consider that a success.

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Nefir

I've dated girls up to 6 years older than myself and up to 4 years younger. Not quite as dramatic as some other people here though. In my experience, I prefer the former, but in the end, age is just a number. If both people care for each other and are on the same wavelength, why should it matter, taboo or not?

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Pete :)

There is a 17 year age gap with my parents, dad is older than mum and they are happy together. As others have said, age is just a number, it's more about how mature you are, not how many years you have been around for.

As for me, I'm 32 years young and I would like to be with someone between say 25 and 35. Of course thats not fixed in stone, just a ballpark figure, it all depends on the type of person she is.

Bossnass

I didn't read closely, so it might have already been posted.

The tried and true rule of thumb that my friends and I frequently used to apply is pretty simple: half your age + seven= dateable.

Say I was 20, I can go to ((20/2)+7)= 17 on the lower end and ((20-7)=13*2) = 26 on the upper end.

And I would say that I leveled off in maturity development around 20 anyway, so after that it doesn't matter.