scenes from a journey (how i have come to accept who and what i am) - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

RenaissanceII · 01-29-2004, 11:38 AM

this is my story. it would'nt be here if i were'nt sober. If i were still using, i would be drinking suicidaly.

opening a vein

Age 2 my mom dies

age 4 kids being inquisitive, my little brother puts his penis up my butt, it did'nt bother me at all
(Note: i've come to acceptance on this)

age 5 dad remarries. i've gained a step mom
(for all intents and purposes memory wise, she was mom)

age 12 not visably developing yet, middle school guys locker room
boner jokes abound, none of us guys 'have grown' EXCEPT for two (who were both asthmatic, and on inhalers)one of whom
was a pal. o how i wanted to take a closer look (lick) at his cock.

also age 12, am also drawn to the 'tomboys', one in particular
strike up a 'relationship', ask a few 'inapropriate' ?'s, am shattered when this 'relationship" dissolves

still more age12, now somewhat developed, i discover the joy's of me 'sucking cock' at a camp over (no cum, tho' that would come much later)

late age 12 to 16 the dark period

thought suicide most every day)
once again attempt to to start a relationship with a girl, wrote a rather explicit letter, she freaked, got passed around the school,
my name is less than mud.
Deeper into the closet i go
not to say there was'nt a bright spot or two in that gloom
i'd developed enough that one day, before school while looking at a purloined copy of Husler, the time had come for me to cum

a young lady transfered to our HS, i liked her A LOT. i somehow screwed up enough courage to get her phone #
I called her "do you know so and so's phone#? was disappointed
but the hook was so and so was the "pal" who's developed cock
i mentally drooled over in that middle school locker room.
sure enough, they became an item. and i become friends with them. once or twice he even suggests that i should ask her out i never do.
(oh all the busses i missed because of fear)
age 16 read articles on how women were'nt hot on sucking cock, but loved this thing called "cunnilingus" HMMMM

first love occured, (she was 13) tried this cunnilingus thing out, she loved it, i really loved it (still do, will love it til the day i die, or alzheimers takes my memory) the relationship burned bright, but burned short, just 3 months

age 18 was still a virgin. go to a neighboring town, get a hooker
not a virgin anymore, I guess (i did'nt cum), but did get the crabs her thatch contained. went to the county health department's free clinic, got the 'q tip up the wazoo' test (ladies, i'd imagine its as much fun as the pap test). yeah, it was the crabs.

no $ for the crab killing stuff, i hit my parents up for the funds. In addition to the moralizing, mom (stepmom) who was a public health nurse in the same building as the free clinic, was more concerned who the nurses were who treated/tested me(gossip), than she was about her stepson.
deeper still into the closet of denial of my dual nature

ages late 18-36
discovered that booze could make me feel good about myself and forget,at least for the duration of the buzz, what a fark-up i was
didn't even attempt to date much, viewed myself as some form of hideous monster
Moved to a new town, had separate short lived (6 months) relationships with two women built on the quicksand of codependance and on my feeling something was'nt quite 'right'.
met my first guy to describe himself as 'bi' , soon became a 'game' of master & slave. since i like sucking cock , i was the 'slave'.
around the same time i also met the first girl who described herself as 'bi'. she did'nt believe thas i could handle a relationship w/ her because of this
(concidering how deep i was in the closet at the time, she was right)

(In college, a campus minister suggested that god had given me the 'gift' of celebacy. I did quite the mind-fark about that. Still get my shorts in a knot about that occasionally, until i or someone else reminds me that my loving higher power has not pulled me out of the suicidal drinking/death spiral, and let my eyes and heart be open to who and what i am, only to drop me on my head from a great height)
in college struck up a friedship w/ a redhead with a nice set of boobies
(Note: why yes i am a boobie man, as well as freckles, brunette, glasses, eyebrows, ass, and drawn to intelligence man. In regards to boobies, it is said that many queer fellas are drawn to breasts, because they mimic the ass)
I made it known that i'd like to have sex w/her if the opportunity arose. And she did'nt run away screaming.
the opportuninty arose, we had sex for what seemed like an hour and a half, actually gained enough confidence to be playful.
(i never knew that good sex was such a sweaty endeavor)
i actually came from vaginal intercourse (yay me)
in the afterglow tho, while she wanted to cuddle, my mind was freaking out wondering 'WTF have i done" (was still deeply in the closet, esp. to myself) this was 12 years ago. i havent had sex with a woman since, much to my chagrin, dissapointment, and frustration. if fact the only sex i've had since has been masturbation or occasional gloryhole sex.

my alcoholism continued apace, until i hurt bad enough(hated myself, wanted to die). i asked for help. i got it. fot those of you who don't believe in a loving higher power (as i used to) concider this: within a one week span
my need to drink was removed
two wonderful lesbians pulled me out of the closet as bi (no, no sex was involved) thank you Gretchen and Carol, wherever you are
i was led to the queer man who not only became my aa sponsor,
but has become a close friend (in the brotherly love kinda sense)

and the revelations/ephianies continue
after a recent visit back home to visit my papa (mom[stepmom] passed away a few years ago. yes, he outlived both my moms)
upon review i was able to acknowledge the love that was always there, but because i was too stubborn/afraid to see feel touch be.
for me to know that i can love, that i can accept love, that i can feel love that i can love that i can be love has in the words of Robert Frost "'made all the difference'"

with my newly open to love heart, can also out myself as a bit of a pervert, in the best sense of the word.

(note: i should have had a clue back in middle school with the 'inappropriate' comments, but like my salavating over my friends penis, my denial and my farked up 'perciever' got in the way. This 'perciever' would also take simple well- meaning statements like 'look out for that door' into 'LOOK OUT FOR THAT DOOR, YOU WORTHLESS SACK O SHIT, O HOW I HATE YOU." while this defective device is still here, i try not to use it much, because i now can love myself, at least a little bit)

i know this went on a little long, but i had to get it out there.

skier · 01-29-2004, 12:19 PM

I appreciate how difficult this must have been for you to write this, and I would like to thank you for sharing it with this community. I often speak of homosexuality in a distant manner because of it's repressed nature in our society. Your story really brought it home to me how difficult it can be to grow up as a minority, rejected because you are different. I'd like to thank you again for giving me and everyone else here a new perspective on such a difficult subject, by showing us a glimpse of your life.

lurkette · 01-29-2004, 12:49 PM

I've been farily open recently about my bisexuality (mostly here, though I did recently come out to one of my good friends) and I have to thank you for writing about this so honestly. It brings back some painful memories of adolescence. It's difficult enough to be a teenager and negotiate friendships and romance. Add to that confusion and shame about a taboo sexual identity, and it's a living hell. I'm glad you made it through and have come to a peaceful place with yourself.

wilbjammin · 01-29-2004, 02:00 PM

My ex-girlfriend's father is a disfellowshiped Jehova's Witness for being gay. He turned to alcohol, and he's been sober for years thanks to AA. Your story is actually fairly common (more than I would have thought, until meeting my ex-girlfriend's father and hearing a bunch of stories from his friends); it is great to let people know that if they have a problem that it is ok to find help. No one should feel ashamed because of their sexuality, it seems that the social consciousness in this matter is slowly shifting. I hope it continues to do so. Thank you for sharing your story. And for others out there feeling similarly, you aren't alone.

WarWagon · 01-29-2004, 02:44 PM

My applause to you for being brave enough to tell this story.

Averett · 01-29-2004, 02:46 PM

Acceptance is a wonderful thing

ariekitten · 01-30-2004, 08:56 AM

wow....you seem like a very brave and strong individual for going through all you have gone through. thank you for sharing this with us, because it means that you trust us enough to reveal a part of yourself, and also that you consider us as friends. i really love how this online community is totally accepting of all different types of people.

sexymama · 01-30-2004, 06:38 PM

Thanks for sharing. Your's has not been an easy road; hopefully you've learned in the process and will be able to help others along their paths.

Anomaly_ · 01-30-2004, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bixpchiphead

age 4 kids being inquisitive, my little brother puts his penis up my butt, it did'nt bother me at all
(Note: i've come to acceptance on this)

I think you're kind of skimming over this. Whether you've intellectually "accepted" it or not doesn't mean much. Sexual abuse, especially at that age, re-wires your brain and follows you through life unless you seek some form of therapy. It could explain your sexual confusion but that is beside the point now.

Aladdin Sane · 01-30-2004, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Anomaly_
I think you're kind of skimming over this. Whether you've intellectually "accepted" it or not doesn't mean much. Sexual abuse, especially at that age, re-wires your brain and follows you through life unless you seek some form of therapy. It could explain your sexual confusion but that is beside the point now.

Yep, this is a common early experience of folks with a confused sense of their own sexuality. In fact, many bisexual and gay people will tell you that they were abused at a very young age.

sillygirl · 01-30-2004, 08:44 PM

I agree with Aladdin and Anomaly. I'm also glad though, that you seem to be well adjusted and happy in life.

RenaissanceII · 01-31-2004, 12:26 AM

thanks for all of the kind, loving, and encouraging replies so far

I will admit I am a little disquieted by the term "confused" in regards to where I am now, today. Pre-being pulled out of the closet (with love, i might add), confused, bewildered, contorted, scared,
with an unhealthy dollup of both denial and self-hatred was where i was at.

Now, Today, i have no confusion.
I like(love) girls, i like(love) boys, i like(love) the notion of doing fun things with either and/or both, i'm just struggling to learn to love myself, warts and all, and letting go of the past and the missed opportunities (buses).

the self hatred was why i drank.

Symphony · 01-31-2004, 08:14 PM

bixpchiphead ... I can identify with your story more than I care to go into detail with... but I will say, learning to love and take care of myself is currently the biggest challenge of my life.
thank you for reminding me

forkies · 02-01-2004, 09:38 AM

I am bisexual (more homosexual at this time in my life) and had many of the same experiences and feelings you expressed above. I felt your anger, pain, confusion, and loneliness. Since going to college I have also realized who I truly am and accepted my sexuality. I wish you all the best and hope you can continue to be happy with yourself JUST AS YOU ARE!!

01-29-2004, 11:38 AM	#1 (permalink)
RenaissanceII Psycho Location: Grand Rapids	scenes from a journey (how i have come to accept who and what i am) this is my story. it would'nt be here if i were'nt sober. If i were still using, i would be drinking suicidaly. opening a vein Age 2 my mom dies age 4 kids being inquisitive, my little brother puts his penis up my butt, it did'nt bother me at all (Note: i've come to acceptance on this) age 5 dad remarries. i've gained a step mom (for all intents and purposes memory wise, she was mom) age 12 not visably developing yet, middle school guys locker room boner jokes abound, none of us guys 'have grown' EXCEPT for two (who were both asthmatic, and on inhalers)one of whom was a pal. o how i wanted to take a closer look (lick) at his cock. also age 12, am also drawn to the 'tomboys', one in particular strike up a 'relationship', ask a few 'inapropriate' ?'s, am shattered when this 'relationship" dissolves still more age12, now somewhat developed, i discover the joy's of me 'sucking cock' at a camp over (no cum, tho' that would come much later) late age 12 to 16 the dark period thought suicide most every day) once again attempt to to start a relationship with a girl, wrote a rather explicit letter, she freaked, got passed around the school, my name is less than mud. Deeper into the closet i go not to say there was'nt a bright spot or two in that gloom i'd developed enough that one day, before school while looking at a purloined copy of Husler, the time had come for me to cum a young lady transfered to our HS, i liked her A LOT. i somehow screwed up enough courage to get her phone # I called her "do you know so and so's phone#? was disappointed but the hook was so and so was the "pal" who's developed cock i mentally drooled over in that middle school locker room. sure enough, they became an item. and i become friends with them. once or twice he even suggests that i should ask her out i never do. (oh all the busses i missed because of fear) age 16 read articles on how women were'nt hot on sucking cock, but loved this thing called "cunnilingus" HMMMM first love occured, (she was 13) tried this cunnilingus thing out, she loved it, i really loved it (still do, will love it til the day i die, or alzheimers takes my memory) the relationship burned bright, but burned short, just 3 months age 18 was still a virgin. go to a neighboring town, get a hooker not a virgin anymore, I guess (i did'nt cum), but did get the crabs her thatch contained. went to the county health department's free clinic, got the 'q tip up the wazoo' test (ladies, i'd imagine its as much fun as the pap test). yeah, it was the crabs. no $ for the crab killing stuff, i hit my parents up for the funds. In addition to the moralizing, mom (stepmom) who was a public health nurse in the same building as the free clinic, was more concerned who the nurses were who treated/tested me(gossip), than she was about her stepson. deeper still into the closet of denial of my dual nature ages late 18-36 discovered that booze could make me feel good about myself and forget,at least for the duration of the buzz, what a fark-up i was didn't even attempt to date much, viewed myself as some form of hideous monster Moved to a new town, had separate short lived (6 months) relationships with two women built on the quicksand of codependance and on my feeling something was'nt quite 'right'. met my first guy to describe himself as 'bi' , soon became a 'game' of master & slave. since i like sucking cock , i was the 'slave'. around the same time i also met the first girl who described herself as 'bi'. she did'nt believe thas i could handle a relationship w/ her because of this (concidering how deep i was in the closet at the time, she was right) (In college, a campus minister suggested that god had given me the 'gift' of celebacy. I did quite the mind-fark about that. Still get my shorts in a knot about that occasionally, until i or someone else reminds me that my loving higher power has not pulled me out of the suicidal drinking/death spiral, and let my eyes and heart be open to who and what i am, only to drop me on my head from a great height) in college struck up a friedship w/ a redhead with a nice set of boobies (Note: why yes i am a boobie man, as well as freckles, brunette, glasses, eyebrows, ass, and drawn to intelligence man. In regards to boobies, it is said that many queer fellas are drawn to breasts, because they mimic the ass) I made it known that i'd like to have sex w/her if the opportunity arose. And she did'nt run away screaming. the opportuninty arose, we had sex for what seemed like an hour and a half, actually gained enough confidence to be playful. (i never knew that good sex was such a sweaty endeavor) i actually came from vaginal intercourse (yay me) in the afterglow tho, while she wanted to cuddle, my mind was freaking out wondering 'WTF have i done" (was still deeply in the closet, esp. to myself) this was 12 years ago. i havent had sex with a woman since, much to my chagrin, dissapointment, and frustration. if fact the only sex i've had since has been masturbation or occasional gloryhole sex. my alcoholism continued apace, until i hurt bad enough(hated myself, wanted to die). i asked for help. i got it. fot those of you who don't believe in a loving higher power (as i used to) concider this: within a one week span my need to drink was removed two wonderful lesbians pulled me out of the closet as bi (no, no sex was involved) thank you Gretchen and Carol, wherever you are i was led to the queer man who not only became my aa sponsor, but has become a close friend (in the brotherly love kinda sense) and the revelations/ephianies continue after a recent visit back home to visit my papa (mom[stepmom] passed away a few years ago. yes, he outlived both my moms) upon review i was able to acknowledge the love that was always there, but because i was too stubborn/afraid to see feel touch be. for me to know that i can love, that i can accept love, that i can feel love that i can love that i can be love has in the words of Robert Frost "'made all the difference'" with my newly open to love heart, can also out myself as a bit of a pervert, in the best sense of the word. (note: i should have had a clue back in middle school with the 'inappropriate' comments, but like my salavating over my friends penis, my denial and my farked up 'perciever' got in the way. This 'perciever' would also take simple well- meaning statements like 'look out for that door' into 'LOOK OUT FOR THAT DOOR, YOU WORTHLESS SACK O SHIT, O HOW I HATE YOU." while this defective device is still here, i try not to use it much, because i now can love myself, at least a little bit) i know this went on a little long, but i had to get it out there. __________________ *And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.* Anais Nin I Wish *You* Well. Last edited by RenaissanceII; 02-04-2004 at 07:29 AM..

01-29-2004, 12:19 PM	#2 (permalink)
skier Rawr! Location: Edmontania	I appreciate how difficult this must have been for you to write this, and I would like to thank you for sharing it with this community. I often speak of homosexuality in a distant manner because of it's repressed nature in our society. Your story really brought it home to me how difficult it can be to grow up as a minority, rejected because you are different. I'd like to thank you again for giving me and everyone else here a new perspective on such a difficult subject, by showing us a glimpse of your life. __________________ "Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

01-29-2004, 12:49 PM	#3 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	I've been farily open recently about my bisexuality (mostly here, though I did recently come out to one of my good friends) and I have to thank you for writing about this so honestly. It brings back some painful memories of adolescence. It's difficult enough to be a teenager and negotiate friendships and romance. Add to that confusion and shame about a taboo sexual identity, and it's a living hell. I'm glad you made it through and have come to a peaceful place with yourself. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

01-29-2004, 02:00 PM	#4 (permalink)
wilbjammin * * *	My ex-girlfriend's father is a disfellowshiped Jehova's Witness for being gay. He turned to alcohol, and he's been sober for years thanks to AA. Your story is actually fairly common (more than I would have thought, until meeting my ex-girlfriend's father and hearing a bunch of stories from his friends); it is great to let people know that if they have a problem that it is ok to find help. No one should feel ashamed because of their sexuality, it seems that the social consciousness in this matter is slowly shifting. I hope it continues to do so. Thank you for sharing your story. And for others out there feeling similarly, you aren't alone. __________________ Innominate.

01-29-2004, 02:46 PM	#6 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	Acceptance is a wonderful thing __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

01-29-2004, 02:44 PM	#5 (permalink)
WarWagon Loser	My applause to you for being brave enough to tell this story.

01-30-2004, 08:56 AM	#7 (permalink)
ariekitten bAck iN aCtiOn! Location: in my imagination	wow....you seem like a very brave and strong individual for going through all you have gone through. thank you for sharing this with us, because it means that you trust us enough to reveal a part of yourself, and also that you consider us as friends. i really love how this online community is totally accepting of all different types of people. __________________ I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don't hesitate to call. ~Vash, Trigun >'.'< kitty kitty, meow ^..^~

01-30-2004, 06:38 PM	#8 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	Thanks for sharing. Your's has not been an easy road; hopefully you've learned in the process and will be able to help others along their paths. __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

01-30-2004, 08:44 PM	#11 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	I agree with Aladdin and Anomaly. I'm also glad though, that you seem to be well adjusted and happy in life. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

01-31-2004, 12:26 AM	#12 (permalink)
RenaissanceII Psycho Location: Grand Rapids	thanks for all of the kind, loving, and encouraging replies so far I will admit I am a little disquieted by the term "confused" in regards to where I am now, today. Pre-being pulled out of the closet (with love, i might add), confused, bewildered, contorted, scared, with an unhealthy dollup of both denial and self-hatred was where i was at. Now, Today, i have no confusion. I like(love) girls, i like(love) boys, i like(love) the notion of doing fun things with either and/or both, i'm just struggling to learn to love myself, warts and all, and letting go of the past and the missed opportunities (buses). the self hatred was why i drank. __________________ *And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.* Anais Nin I Wish *You* Well. Last edited by RenaissanceII; 01-31-2004 at 12:52 AM..

01-31-2004, 08:14 PM	#13 (permalink)
Symphony Upright Location: Madison, WI	bixpchiphead ... I can identify with your story more than I care to go into detail with... but I will say, learning to love and take care of myself is currently the biggest challenge of my life. thank you for reminding me __________________ and yet...and yet

02-01-2004, 09:38 AM	#14 (permalink)
forkies Tilted	I am bisexual (more homosexual at this time in my life) and had many of the same experiences and feelings you expressed above. I felt your anger, pain, confusion, and loneliness. Since going to college I have also realized who I truly am and accepted my sexuality. I wish you all the best and hope you can continue to be happy with yourself JUST AS YOU ARE!!