this is my story. it would'nt be here if i were'nt sober. If i were still using, i would be drinking suicidaly.
opening a vein
Age 2 my mom dies
age 4 kids being inquisitive, my little brother puts his penis up my butt, it did'nt bother me at all
(Note: i've come to acceptance on this)
age 5 dad remarries. i've gained a step mom
(for all intents and purposes memory wise, she was mom)
age 12 not visably developing yet, middle school guys locker room
boner jokes abound, none of us guys 'have grown' EXCEPT for two (who were both asthmatic, and on inhalers)one of whom
was a pal. o how i wanted to take a closer look (lick) at his cock.
also age 12, am also drawn to the 'tomboys', one in particular
strike up a 'relationship', ask a few 'inapropriate' ?'s, am shattered when this 'relationship" dissolves
still more age12, now somewhat developed, i discover the joy's of me 'sucking cock' at a camp over (no cum, tho' that would come much later)
late age 12 to 16 the dark period
thought suicide most every day)
once again attempt to to start a relationship with a girl, wrote a rather explicit letter, she freaked, got passed around the school,
my name is less than mud.
Deeper into the closet i go
not to say there was'nt a bright spot or two in that gloom
i'd developed enough that one day, before school while looking at a purloined copy of Husler, the time had come for me to cum
a young lady transfered to our HS, i liked her A LOT. i somehow screwed up enough courage to get her phone #
I called her "do you know so and so's phone#? was disappointed
but the hook was so and so was the "pal" who's developed cock
i mentally drooled over in that middle school locker room.
sure enough, they became an item. and i become friends with them. once or twice he even suggests that i should ask her out i never do.
(oh all the busses i missed because of fear)
age 16 read articles on how women were'nt hot on sucking cock, but loved this thing called "cunnilingus" HMMMM
first love occured, (she was 13) tried this cunnilingus thing out, she loved it, i really loved it (still do, will love it til the day i die, or alzheimers takes my memory) the relationship burned bright, but burned short, just 3 months
age 18 was still a virgin. go to a neighboring town, get a hooker
not a virgin anymore, I guess (i did'nt cum), but did get the crabs her thatch contained. went to the county health department's free clinic, got the 'q tip up the wazoo' test (ladies, i'd imagine its as much fun as the pap test). yeah, it was the crabs.
no $ for the crab killing stuff, i hit my parents up for the funds. In addition to the moralizing, mom (stepmom) who was a public health nurse in the same building as the free clinic, was more concerned who the nurses were who treated/tested me(gossip), than she was about her stepson.
deeper still into the closet of denial of my dual nature
ages late 18-36
discovered that booze could make me feel good about myself and forget,at least for the duration of the buzz, what a fark-up i was
didn't even attempt to date much, viewed myself as some form of hideous monster
Moved to a new town, had separate short lived (6 months) relationships with two women built on the quicksand of codependance and on my feeling something was'nt quite 'right'.
met my first guy to describe himself as 'bi' , soon became a 'game' of master & slave. since i like sucking cock , i was the 'slave'.
around the same time i also met the first girl who described herself as 'bi'. she did'nt believe thas i could handle a relationship w/ her because of this
(concidering how deep i was in the closet at the time, she was right)
(In college, a campus minister suggested that god had given me the 'gift' of celebacy. I did quite the mind-fark about that. Still get my shorts in a knot about that occasionally, until i or someone else reminds me that my loving higher power has not pulled me out of the suicidal drinking/death spiral, and let my eyes and heart be open to who and what i am, only to drop me on my head from a great height)
in college struck up a friedship w/ a redhead with a nice set of boobies
(Note: why yes i am a boobie man, as well as freckles, brunette, glasses, eyebrows, ass, and drawn to intelligence man. In regards to boobies, it is said that many queer fellas are drawn to breasts, because they mimic the ass)
I made it known that i'd like to have sex w/her if the opportunity arose. And she did'nt run away screaming.
the opportuninty arose, we had sex for what seemed like an hour and a half, actually gained enough confidence to be playful.
(i never knew that good sex was such a sweaty endeavor)
i actually came from vaginal intercourse (yay me)
in the afterglow tho, while she wanted to cuddle, my mind was freaking out wondering 'WTF have i done" (was still deeply in the closet, esp. to myself) this was 12 years ago. i havent had sex with a woman since, much to my chagrin, dissapointment, and frustration. if fact the only sex i've had since has been masturbation or occasional gloryhole sex.
my alcoholism continued apace, until i hurt bad enough(hated myself, wanted to die). i asked for help. i got it. fot those of you who don't believe in a loving higher power (as i used to) concider this: within a one week span
my need to drink was removed
two wonderful lesbians pulled me out of the closet as bi (no, no sex was involved) thank you Gretchen and Carol, wherever you are
i was led to the queer man who not only became my aa sponsor,
but has become a close friend (in the brotherly love kinda sense)
and the revelations/ephianies continue
after a recent visit back home to visit my papa (mom[stepmom] passed away a few years ago. yes, he outlived both my moms)
upon review i was able to acknowledge the love that was always there, but because i was too stubborn/afraid to see feel touch be.
for me to know that i can love, that i can accept love, that i can feel love that i can love that i can be love has in the words of Robert Frost "'made all the difference'"
with my newly open to love heart, can also out myself as a bit of a pervert, in the best sense of the word.
(note: i should have had a clue back in middle school with the 'inappropriate' comments, but like my salavating over my friends penis, my denial and my farked up 'perciever' got in the way. This 'perciever' would also take simple well- meaning statements like 'look out for that door' into 'LOOK OUT FOR THAT DOOR, YOU WORTHLESS SACK O SHIT, O HOW I HATE YOU." while this defective device is still here, i try not to use it much, because i now can love myself, at least a little bit)
i know this went on a little long, but i had to get it out there.