Prince

This has been on my mind for a good while now, and I thought I'd at least try and put it into words. I won't hold it against the lot of you (all 30 thousand of you) if you skip this one as it'll probably end up being rather long...

I met my wife online around 2000. We became best friends and in time, lovers. even though we were continents apart. We've been married very happily since the May of this year. I moved to the States to be with her and start a life together, and it's going great. Be it this transitional phase in my life or something else, I've found myself going through the past with an emotional comb, trying to make sense of things that happened.

Prior to my relationship with my now-wife then-girlfriend, I'd only been in two serious relationships, and both of them online. I'm not entirely sure how I got in them to begin with, but what I do know is that they were both extremely painful experiences. I haven't really discussed them with anyone, other than my wife, because I did not want to come across as the idiot I undoubtably am. But even with my wife I never really went into too much detail, never saw any reason to rehash on that stuff.

The first relationship began in early 1999, I was about 21 years old, about to turn 22. I met a girl a year older than myself, she was from Missouri, and I was living in Finland. To top it all off, she was married... Oh, yeah, and pregnant. Unhappy with her loser of a husband, yada yada you know the story. I'd never dated, I'd never had any kind of romantic interaction (just unrequited crushes) with a girl. At the time I had pretty much given up on it, as well, as young nerdy lads such as myself sometimes do. So, I fell quickly, I fell hard. Those of you who have been in a long-distance relationship, especially an online one, know what a great source of heartache it is. Then again, all relationships can be just that.

You can imagine that a lot of it was sexual...well, as sexual as one could get under the circumstances. 22 and inexperienced, eager to learn, and to feel loved. The relationship wasn't without problems, but we managed. Of course the fact that she was married bothered me. But I don't think in all honesty that at that age and that level of inexperience, I don't think I had a serious, adult comprehension of the sanctity of marriage, not to the degree I have now. I think to me their marriage was as unreal as I now see that online relationship to have been.

It all went on for about 14 months. You get to know a lot about a person, on an emotional level, during a period of time like that. I often felt she wasn't quite my match when it came to intelligence. She had habits that annoyed me. She couldn't really understand me at times. But she did seem to love me...at least I still believe she felt a degree of love. Not the kind of love my wife and I share, but another kind of love. Something between friendship and LOVE. Eventually, she had to choose, and she, being a very religious girl had to choose her husband. Naturally.

Some bitterness followed, of course... Eventually, later that year (2000), I came across another girl online. She struck me as a real intellectual, a creative and spiritual person. All of which are qualities that appeal to me in people. Spiritual, not religious, mind you. Again, I fell fast, and quite hard. She was from Texas. She told me several things about herself, none of which were true; including her name, age, marital status (she said she was single, but of course.......), occupation, you name it. For the following 9 or so months, she had me carry a bunch of photos in my wallet that weren't of her, but instead of some unknown person on the net. Somehow in the middle of it all she carried on another online relationship (two-timing online...what an achievement) with my then-best [male] friend. She made my Christmas that year by telling me about their phone sex sessions. And that she couldn't choose between us.

A lot of craziness took place...I had been on antidepressive medication, but just as she dropped the news on me I'd run out of meds cold turkey, and as result of the mix, I started cutting. That habit stuck with me for about a couple of years. I think what hurt me the most were the lies. Not that there was much else to it. She had also helped me, at the time, to get more acquainted with my spiritual side, and I had begun to feel closer to God. A relationship which also, to my disappointment, went to hell along with that online facade.

Present Day. I am living in Texas, happily married and looking forward to the future. As of late, though, I've thought about the past a lot, and now and then I am tempted to try and locate at least Emily, the married chick. She and I didn't break up in the best of terms, but we did continue to be friends, good friends even, for a while. In all honesty, I am not looking to find either of these girls to befriend them again. And I certainly am not "interested" in them, not by far. But regardless of what happened, I do feel sorry for Emily, I do feel that she made the right choice (for the both of us), and I do not hold a grudge, per se. She really is a sweet person, and somewhere within I still care about her, but not care care, if you know what I mean, and I am sure you do.

The thing is, I feel like some things are just not resolved. In a way I feel like if she and I met, at some point, we could talk things over and gain peace of mind. What those things might be, I don't know. I could call her, her number's easy enough to find, or write, but I feel reluctant to do either. For one, I feel uncomfortable wasting any thought on her, or any such past encounters, when I am myself quite happily married now. I should not be thinking about old flames, in any way, right? Like Hansel would say, "what's left to ponder?". I also don't know if I would just be intruding on her if I did try and reach her. She has two children now, and I don't know if she could be bothered thinking about what happened way back when. She may have made her peace with it all, and is not in any need of conclusion.

Am I totally bonkers for allowing myself to think about this stuff? Should I try to solve these issues, should I try to contact these people of the past, or should I be trying to walk forward and forget, not looking back?

sillygirl

Don't do it. There's no reason to contact any of your old online flames. You know that as well as I do. It sounds like you need to get yourself together. You've got a wonderful relationship with your wife, you don't need to strain that by trying to reach girls you were once interested in. Make peace with yourself and move on.

I had a guy try to start a relationship with me online, and when I finally stopped talking to him, he left me alone for a while. Then I started getting emails and IM's from him again. All it did was freak me out. Don't do that to yourself or to her.

__________________

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

arch13

Prince,
It's normal in a period of rapid transition to begin to see past experiance in a different light and even question choices made long ago. Understand that if you feel a need to contact those from your past, there is nothing down those paths for you. You'll feel no resolvence of the past by attempting closure, much the same as those who looking up their old high school sweetheart on classmates.com before they get married just come away feeling strange about it.
The blessing and curse of being oh so human is hindsight being 20/20. We see the mistakes and misteps of our past, and want to reach back and "right" things. There is not however, any solace to be found in doing so. You may feel strange for a while as all these changes in your life occur, and you may even think you feel a need to bring closure to what you feel about others now that your heart has started a new chapter that will last the rest of your life. But trust me when i asssure you that your reactions are statisticly no different than most other people going through such transitions.
The hardest part is letting go of the past to focus on the future, but when you come out the other end you'll realize how much better off you are for doing so. The meantime however, is simply a matter of focusing on the life at hand and trying your hardest until you suddenly realize one day that the pent up feelings you had have suddenly vanished as you healed and focused on the woman you love.

__________________
Seen on an employer evaluation:

"The wheel is turning but the hamsters dead"
____________________________
Is arch13 really a porn diety ? find out after the film at 11.
-Nanofever

Prince

Thank you.. You are absolutely right, and I appreciate your valuable insight.

I'd hate to concentrate on something that isn't relevant to my life right now nor to my future, while the very life, and future, sit on the backburner. Thanks again for your thoughts.

__________________
Who is John Galt?

analog

No, you're not bonkers, we're all human- but that doesn't mean it's a good idea. The reason you even consider delving into your past is because it's still relatively fresh... a few years is not that long, especially when the first relationship was over a year itself.

What's to solve? You've grown as a person, you've done good things with your life, and you're happy. Count yourself lucky, there are a LOT of people who cannot say that.

You don't have to "walk forward and forget" to acknowledge that the past is the past. Remember for what it was, and not what it wasn't. It wasn't for you. You're happy now, right? And even if you weren't, digging up old love like you describe is not worth it. You sound like you have a good head on those shoulders of yours, so make sure you use it to it's full power.

Be happy. Move forward.

Best of luck.

dog1

fuhget about it .....