need some advise from the ladies - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

clit commander · 08-04-2003, 03:31 PM

Hello all, been lurking around for a while and really enjoy alot of the discussions in this site, I have learned alot...On to my question...Did any of you ladies experience a drop in sex drive in your late 20's, or in any period in your lives? My gf and I haven't been having much sex, and we've only been going out for 10 months..we should still be in the honeymoon stage!! My self-doubt keeps saying that it's me, but she tells me that it's not me, that she just hasn't been thinking about sex much, and that she's very much in love with me and knows that things will turn around. I've done my best to not make an issue out of it, and I have been trying to focus on other intimate acts (like massages), but this has really been bothering me recently. Any opinions or advice?

Katyblu · 08-04-2003, 03:40 PM

I had a drop in my sex drive in my late teens... I was in a serious relationship but for like 8 months I really didn't want sex or anything.... eventually I realized I had some medical problems that contributed to it but it wasn't that I didn't love him it was just me.... don't worry about it, she'll work things out.

cheerios · 08-04-2003, 03:44 PM

talk to her about what IS bothering her. she may just be stressed at work, she may not be getting enough sleep, she may be worried about something. we're a finnikey lot.

But, if you don't ask, and you don't LISTEN, you'll never know. be sure not to pressure her, though!!

Zipperhead · 08-04-2003, 04:07 PM

I'm not a lady, but...

My last GF says she had a drop in libido when she went on the pill. She noticed that the libido increased again when she went off the pill. She was on Triphasyl (sp?) I think. I don't think she was lying.

Just an idea.

Mephisto2 · 08-04-2003, 04:18 PM

Well, if your choice of NICK is anything to go by, I can guess where the problem lies...

Mr Mephisto

little limey · 08-04-2003, 04:18 PM

Yea, I'm only 19 and since I've been on the pill my sex drive has dropped, actually it's just strange. I usually get really antsy right before my period which is normal for most girls and the rest of the time it's low.

Mephisto2 · 08-04-2003, 04:21 PM

little limey is right.

The female contraceptive pill decreases sex drive.

Kinda ironic, isn't it?

Mr Mephisto

clit commander · 08-04-2003, 05:08 PM

Mr Mephisto,

I thought that someone would make that comment...if you've ever seen Jay and Silent Bob strike back, it's from that move, a very funny scene actually...

She has been taking Lexapro, an anti-depressant, for the past couple of months, but this problem had been going on before then...I honestly think that she's afraid of giving too much, in reaction to being hurt in the past....We've talked about this, and she thinks that that probably has alot to do with it, but things haven't changed yet...I guess I'm impatient because I think that we'd be really really great if this wasn't holding us back, and I just want that to happen...If I was younger and less mature I probably would have ended it by now, but she is a special person and I don't want to throw anything away...Her lack of intimacy is not something I'm going to be able to accept in a long-term relationship, but I don't want it to end in the hopes that things will change.

Mephisto2 · 08-04-2003, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by clit commander
Mr Mephisto,

I thought that someone would make that comment...if you've ever seen Jay and Silent Bob strike back, it's from that move, a very funny scene actually...

She has been taking Lexapro, an anti-depressant, for the past couple of months, but this problem had been going on before then...I honestly think that she's afraid of giving too much, in reaction to being hurt in the past....We've talked about this, and she thinks that that probably has alot to do with it, but things haven't changed yet...I guess I'm impatient because I think that we'd be really really great if this wasn't holding us back, and I just want that to happen...If I was younger and less mature I probably would have ended it by now, but she is a special person and I don't want to throw anything away...Her lack of intimacy is not something I'm going to be able to accept in a long-term relationship, but I don't want it to end in the hopes that things will change.

Well, you've completely redeemed yourself with that post.

Not that you probably give a shit what I think, but hey...

An anti-depresent would certainly affect libido... at least I assume it would.

If she's special, work on it. At least for the moment...

Mr Mephisto

cheerios · 08-04-2003, 05:24 PM

anti-depressants frequently do effect libido. you may have a 2-prong problem there. emotional/trust issues, plus medication. she may need to talk to a doctor about finding a medication better suited to her. good luck.

and Zipperhead: tri-phasal (yeah, I dunno about the spelling either) is a type of pill, not a brand. Orthotricycline is an example of a tri-phasal pill. what that means is that over the 3 weeks when we don't have our periods, we take a different amount of hormone each week. thus, three phases, or tri-phasal.

The other kind of pill is mono-phasic which means it's the same level of hormones all 3 weeks. this's the kind that you can take em longer and skip your period and stuff. tri-phasic pills don't allow that.

angela146 · 08-04-2003, 05:26 PM

1. Have her talk to her GYN about it. Sometimes they can change the dose or level of hormones in the pills if she is on the pill. (Some kinds of birth control pills have different levels of hormones than others).

2. Be strong for her. Tease her. Be romantic. Sweep her off of her feet. Learn how to manipulate her feelings.

3. Try "Realm". It's a cologne with pharemones in it. Don't tell her what it is and go very easy on it.

4. If she is in her very late twenties (i.e. 28 or 29). It might be something simple: she's staring 30 in the face. I know *exactly* how that feels. In another year or so, she's going to be ancient decrepit, unattractive, infertile, loose her memory and have osteoporosis.

Yes, I know that isn't true but it's how it feels.

Mephisto2 · 08-04-2003, 05:50 PM

Excellent post angela146...

Apart from that creepy "pheromone" tip. Ewww...

LOL

Mr Mephisto

parlorforsvin · 08-05-2003, 01:13 PM

Kudos for sticking with her. Way to go

Re: nick..
Clit Commander: Wherever I see clit, I see your face? (can't remember the actual quote)

clit commander · 08-05-2003, 08:56 PM

I've been thinking about this alot the last couple of days, and i honestly believe she doesn't have that "thing" for me that people should have...I think she is just dealing with it in hopes that her feelings for me will change. I can deal with the fact that she isn't lusting after me, but I wish she'd just tell me that and get it over with. She thought when we first met that we were meant to be together, and I think that "romantic idea" is keeping her from ending the relationship; when, if it were any one else, it would have been over by now...I'm just seriously confused and tired of thinking about it. She's not honest with herself, and therefore not honest with me...sometimes I think I'm just wasting my time..I'm doing my best to keep a positive outlook, but this is just unlike any other relationship I've ever had...The shitty thing, is that it's not just "sex" per say, it's intimacy in general...I'm gonna keep focusing on the good things and not push this issue..gonna try to let things happen naturally, but it's very difficult when it's on my mind so much

curveedv8 · 08-06-2003, 03:05 AM

ohhhh mate, you sound like the position I found myself in not a few months ago. I loved the boy, still do if the truth be told, but I'd stuck it out for 8 months without sex. Even touching him seemed to be a problem, it was too ticklish or if I was firmer it was to rough. It got to be I ended up feeling like a freak for even wanting to be intimate - it wasn't a sex thing, I would have been happy with a pash every now and then. It ended up feeling as if I was this monster demanding sex when he was stressed/tired/whatever and it made me feel pretty worthless. Sex became important even though prior it had always just been
a fun natural extension of our relationship.

How dense was I. One day it eventually got to much for me and I asked him why we were together when all we were was just friends.

Not saying that it is like that in your situation but just saying I can totally sympathise with you.

Hope things work out well for you.

clit commander · 08-06-2003, 07:01 PM

curveedv8

that is completely how it is now..i'm trying not to be that "monster demanding sex", but if I don't bring it up I feel like nothing would get accomplished, typical catch-22....We have sex like 2 or 3 times a month in general, with past girlfriends it was AT LEAST 2 or 3 times a week, much more when we saw each other alot...you also said it well about sex being so important when in the past it was a "fun natural extension of the relationship.' Sometimes I think the only thing that can really help is to not see her for a while, but how the hell can I bring that up...I think what REALLY makes it difficult, is the girl I broke up with prior to this girl...i was used to bangin around so much, we had sex just about anywhere, anytime, so i got used to that, and now i feel like a priest...lol
Like I said before, I'm gonna let it go, try not to think about it, keep myself occupied with things I like to do, and hang out with my friends more...oh yea and keep on masterbating lol

08-07-2003, 09:23 PM

Mix things up and talk to her.

Women seem to like variety and communication.

Go figure.

cheerios · 08-07-2003, 09:32 PM

heh, it sounds like it may just be time to let this one go, man... good luck either way.

skysooner · 08-07-2003, 09:42 PM

My wife was the same way. Part of it was the way she was brought up (to feel guilty about it) but part was she just didn't feel like she was any good about it. We talked about it and talked about it. That really didn't do any good. What finally helped was really working on our intimate talks. Guys are really good at looking like they are listening to their women, but many times they really are only partially listening. When I gave her my complete attention for an hour after work, the intimacy got better, the sex got better, and finally we were able to talk about it completely. She is one of those women that just doesn't get off from penetration too much, and she would masturbate in our jacuzzi tub. I finally convinced her to show me how she did it and then I got her to show me how she did it with her hand. Once I convinced her to tell me what to do to get her off during sex, she started orgasming every single time. It varies from time to time, but she isn't afraid to tell me now. This is a direct result of taking the time to deeply establish our intimate time together. We used to have sex a couple of times a week with 3 to 4 days between and now it is more like 4 to 5 times a week after 12 years of marriage.

Also, anti-depressants can have a huge impact on libido.

MSD · 08-07-2003, 09:57 PM

See if her doctor would consider switching her to a non-SSRI antidepressant.

Tiger69z · 08-12-2003, 08:19 PM

http://www.askmen.com/love/vanessa_6...e_secrets.html

It's quite a nice guide...check it out..should help. =)

Regziever · 08-13-2003, 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Mr Mephisto
little limey is right.

The female contraceptive pill decreases sex drive.

Kinda ironic, isn't it?

Mr Mephisto

Not really funny at all. The pill works because it introduces the same hormones into the female body that it produces during pregnancy. To protect the foetus the female body reacts to these hormones by decreasing the sexdrive during a certain period of the pregnancy (Not sure witch though...) so changing hormone levels of the pills is a verry good idea. (this is the way my ex-gf's gynecologist explained it to me when her libido decrased, nedless to say it shot skyhigh when she took pills with a slightly different hormonelevel).

As for antidepressants, they affect libido bigtime. She really should talk to her doctor about this since it is affecting your relationship negativly it is affecting her mental state negativly. It can really become a problem both for you and her in the long run.

Jedbeck · 08-25-2003, 11:10 AM

My fiancee is on Lexapro and the pill and her sex drive is almost nonexistent. We used to have sex 3-5 times a month, but for the last year we have had sex about once every 3-4 months. There are a lot of other factors like stress of finding a full time job and having money to pay the bills that are getting to her too.
All I have to say is that even though I miss making love to her, she is worth waiting for.

Rowan · 08-25-2003, 12:40 PM

I know two things, birth control, pills or the Depo Provera (shot) definitely can decrease the want to to have sex. When I was on the shot (long time ago) I never wanted and my boyfriend at the time suffered.
Antidepressants- can really affect everything sexually as well, your gf may not want to have sex or it may take a long time to climax at all.
If she's on those, you have to add the mental and emotional stuff as well. If you think she is worth it, than patience is a good thing.
Good Luck!

08-04-2003, 03:31 PM	#1 (permalink)
clit commander Upright	need some advise from the ladies Hello all, been lurking around for a while and really enjoy alot of the discussions in this site, I have learned alot...On to my question...Did any of you ladies experience a drop in sex drive in your late 20's, or in any period in your lives? My gf and I haven't been having much sex, and we've only been going out for 10 months..we should still be in the honeymoon stage!! My self-doubt keeps saying that it's me, but she tells me that it's not me, that she just hasn't been thinking about sex much, and that she's very much in love with me and knows that things will turn around. I've done my best to not make an issue out of it, and I have been trying to focus on other intimate acts (like massages), but this has really been bothering me recently. Any opinions or advice?

08-25-2003, 12:40 PM	#24 (permalink)
Rowan Tilted Location: The Great Northwest	Well . . . I know two things, birth control, pills or the Depo Provera (shot) definitely can decrease the want to to have sex. When I was on the shot (long time ago) I never wanted and my boyfriend at the time suffered. Antidepressants- can really affect everything sexually as well, your gf may not want to have sex or it may take a long time to climax at all. If she's on those, you have to add the mental and emotional stuff as well. If you think she is worth it, than patience is a good thing. Good Luck!

08-04-2003, 03:40 PM	#2 (permalink)
Katyblu Crazy Location: Here and there and everywhere	I had a drop in my sex drive in my late teens... I was in a serious relationship but for like 8 months I really didn't want sex or anything.... eventually I realized I had some medical problems that contributed to it but it wasn't that I didn't love him it was just me.... don't worry about it, she'll work things out.

08-04-2003, 03:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	talk to her about what IS bothering her. she may just be stressed at work, she may not be getting enough sleep, she may be worried about something. we're a finnikey lot. But, if you don't ask, and you don't LISTEN, you'll never know. be sure not to pressure her, though!!

08-04-2003, 04:07 PM	#4 (permalink)
Zipperhead Upright Location: Calgary, Canada	I'm not a lady, but... My last GF says she had a drop in libido when she went on the pill. She noticed that the libido increased again when she went off the pill. She was on Triphasyl (sp?) I think. I don't think she was lying. Just an idea.

08-04-2003, 04:18 PM	#5 (permalink)
Mephisto2 Junkie	Well, if your choice of NICK is anything to go by, I can guess where the problem lies... Mr Mephisto

08-04-2003, 04:18 PM	#6 (permalink)
little limey Psycho Location: Room Nineteen	Yea, I'm only 19 and since I've been on the pill my sex drive has dropped, actually it's just strange. I usually get really antsy right before my period which is normal for most girls and the rest of the time it's low.

08-04-2003, 04:21 PM	#7 (permalink)
Mephisto2 Junkie	little limey is right. The female contraceptive pill decreases sex drive. Kinda ironic, isn't it? Mr Mephisto

08-04-2003, 05:08 PM	#8 (permalink)
clit commander Upright	Mr Mephisto, I thought that someone would make that comment...if you've ever seen Jay and Silent Bob strike back, it's from that move, a very funny scene actually... She has been taking Lexapro, an anti-depressant, for the past couple of months, but this problem had been going on before then...I honestly think that she's afraid of giving too much, in reaction to being hurt in the past....We've talked about this, and she thinks that that probably has alot to do with it, but things haven't changed yet...I guess I'm impatient because I think that we'd be really really great if this wasn't holding us back, and I just want that to happen...If I was younger and less mature I probably would have ended it by now, but she is a special person and I don't want to throw anything away...Her lack of intimacy is not something I'm going to be able to accept in a long-term relationship, but I don't want it to end in the hopes that things will change.

08-04-2003, 05:24 PM	#10 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	anti-depressants frequently do effect libido. you may have a 2-prong problem there. emotional/trust issues, plus medication. she may need to talk to a doctor about finding a medication better suited to her. good luck. and Zipperhead: tri-phasal (yeah, I dunno about the spelling either) is a type of pill, not a brand. Orthotricycline is an example of a tri-phasal pill. what that means is that over the 3 weeks when we don't have our periods, we take a different amount of hormone each week. thus, three phases, or tri-phasal. The other kind of pill is mono-phasic which means it's the same level of hormones all 3 weeks. this's the kind that you can take em longer and skip your period and stuff. tri-phasic pills don't allow that.

08-04-2003, 05:26 PM	#11 (permalink)
angela146 Loser Location: Somewhere near Hubby	1. Have her talk to her GYN about it. Sometimes they can change the dose or level of hormones in the pills if she is on the pill. (Some kinds of birth control pills have different levels of hormones than others). 2. Be strong for her. Tease her. Be romantic. Sweep her off of her feet. Learn how to manipulate her feelings. 3. Try "Realm". It's a cologne with pharemones in it. Don't tell her what it is and go very easy on it. 4. If she is in her very late twenties (i.e. 28 or 29). It might be something simple: she's staring 30 in the face. I know exactly how that feels. In another year or so, she's going to be ancient decrepit, unattractive, infertile, loose her memory and have osteoporosis. Yes, I know that isn't true but it's how it feels.

08-04-2003, 05:50 PM	#12 (permalink)
Mephisto2 Junkie	Excellent post angela146... Apart from that creepy "pheromone" tip. Ewww... LOL Mr Mephisto

08-05-2003, 01:13 PM	#13 (permalink)
parlorforsvin Upright	Kudos for sticking with her. Way to go Re: nick.. Clit Commander: Wherever I see clit, I see your face? (can't remember the actual quote)

08-05-2003, 08:56 PM	#14 (permalink)
clit commander Upright	I've been thinking about this alot the last couple of days, and i honestly believe she doesn't have that "thing" for me that people should have...I think she is just dealing with it in hopes that her feelings for me will change. I can deal with the fact that she isn't lusting after me, but I wish she'd just tell me that and get it over with. She thought when we first met that we were meant to be together, and I think that "romantic idea" is keeping her from ending the relationship; when, if it were any one else, it would have been over by now...I'm just seriously confused and tired of thinking about it. She's not honest with herself, and therefore not honest with me...sometimes I think I'm just wasting my time..I'm doing my best to keep a positive outlook, but this is just unlike any other relationship I've ever had...The shitty thing, is that it's not just "sex" per say, it's intimacy in general...I'm gonna keep focusing on the good things and not push this issue..gonna try to let things happen naturally, but it's very difficult when it's on my mind so much

08-06-2003, 03:05 AM	#15 (permalink)
curveedv8 Tilted Location: Sydney, Australia	ohhhh mate, you sound like the position I found myself in not a few months ago. I loved the boy, still do if the truth be told, but I'd stuck it out for 8 months without sex. Even touching him seemed to be a problem, it was too ticklish or if I was firmer it was to rough. It got to be I ended up feeling like a freak for even wanting to be intimate - it wasn't a sex thing, I would have been happy with a pash every now and then. It ended up feeling as if I was this monster demanding sex when he was stressed/tired/whatever and it made me feel pretty worthless. Sex became important even though prior it had always just been a fun natural extension of our relationship. How dense was I. One day it eventually got to much for me and I asked him why we were together when all we were was just friends. Not saying that it is like that in your situation but just saying I can totally sympathise with you. Hope things work out well for you.

08-06-2003, 07:01 PM	#16 (permalink)
clit commander Upright	curveedv8 that is completely how it is now..i'm trying not to be that "monster demanding sex", but if I don't bring it up I feel like nothing would get accomplished, typical catch-22....We have sex like 2 or 3 times a month in general, with past girlfriends it was AT LEAST 2 or 3 times a week, much more when we saw each other alot...you also said it well about sex being so important when in the past it was a "fun natural extension of the relationship.' Sometimes I think the only thing that can really help is to not see her for a while, but how the hell can I bring that up...I think what REALLY makes it difficult, is the girl I broke up with prior to this girl...i was used to bangin around so much, we had sex just about anywhere, anytime, so i got used to that, and now i feel like a priest...lol Like I said before, I'm gonna let it go, try not to think about it, keep myself occupied with things I like to do, and hang out with my friends more...oh yea and keep on masterbating lol

08-07-2003, 09:23 PM	#17 (permalink)
Achernar Guest	Mix things up and talk to her. Women seem to like variety and communication. Go figure.

08-07-2003, 09:32 PM	#18 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	heh, it sounds like it may just be time to let this one go, man... good luck either way.

08-07-2003, 09:42 PM	#19 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	My wife was the same way. Part of it was the way she was brought up (to feel guilty about it) but part was she just didn't feel like she was any good about it. We talked about it and talked about it. That really didn't do any good. What finally helped was really working on our intimate talks. Guys are really good at looking like they are listening to their women, but many times they really are only partially listening. When I gave her my complete attention for an hour after work, the intimacy got better, the sex got better, and finally we were able to talk about it completely. She is one of those women that just doesn't get off from penetration too much, and she would masturbate in our jacuzzi tub. I finally convinced her to show me how she did it and then I got her to show me how she did it with her hand. Once I convinced her to tell me what to do to get her off during sex, she started orgasming every single time. It varies from time to time, but she isn't afraid to tell me now. This is a direct result of taking the time to deeply establish our intimate time together. We used to have sex a couple of times a week with 3 to 4 days between and now it is more like 4 to 5 times a week after 12 years of marriage. Also, anti-depressants can have a huge impact on libido.

08-07-2003, 09:57 PM	#20 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	See if her doctor would consider switching her to a non-SSRI antidepressant.

08-12-2003, 08:19 PM	#21 (permalink)
Tiger69z Banned Location: Sunny S.FLA	http://www.askmen.com/love/vanessa_6...e_secrets.html It's quite a nice guide...check it out..should help. =)

08-25-2003, 11:10 AM	#23 (permalink)
Jedbeck Crazy Location: Ohio, USA	My fiancee is on Lexapro and the pill and her sex drive is almost nonexistent. We used to have sex 3-5 times a month, but for the last year we have had sex about once every 3-4 months. There are a lot of other factors like stress of finding a full time job and having money to pay the bills that are getting to her too. All I have to say is that even though I miss making love to her, she is worth waiting for.