Acetylene

Different people relate to their friends in different ways, and just because Cyntheiq thinks that non-interference is the Prime Directive doesn't mean this is true for you and your friend.

Many, many people equate law with ethics. This is not true. We do not make laws because of things that are right or wrong, we make them because of things that we aren't able to manage ourselves and require a larger organization to regulate for us. Traffic laws, for example, cannot be enforced by the drivers involved.

Physical violence is illegal because the government has a responsibility for the physical welfare of its citizens in order to keep the cogs of the nation turning properly. Emotional abuse is not illegal because it is impossible to legislate, and because the government has not yet expanded into the protection of the psyche. THIS DOES NOT MEAN EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS INCONSQUENTIAL, it means only that our government doesn't regulate that sort of thing.

You don't go to jail for cheating on your husband, but it's still wrong. It's also wrong to tell your child every time they don't get an "A+" that they are stupid and useless. But in both cases, you wouldn't go to jail for these offenses - not until someone showed bruises. But also in both cases, the people who loved the one getting hurt could choose to interfere in order to protect the victim.

It's unreasonable to expect victims of this kind of emotional abuse to request help. It is next to impossible for them to clearly identify their situation while still in it. Therefor, it is not logical to insist on waiting to be asked for help, especially not when the victim has already clearly stated that they are unhappy (by saying they stay only to continue to protect their abuser, as Shesus' friend did).

It's possible or even likely to accidentally ruin your relationship with your friend by trying to help them, and this is unfortunate because that friend might need you, but to insist on pretending nothing is wrong and simply ignoring the abuser by not inviting him to parties is ultimately selfish. Yes, Cynthetic, I'm saying that opposite of what you said. You accused Shesus of selfishly wanting to make herself feel better by butting into her friend's business, but I am saying that if you refuse to do everything you can to help a friend in need merely because you are afraid it will offend them and hurt your relationship, THAT is selfishness, and cowardice, too.

That said, Shesus, be careful not to give him an excuse to forbid your friend from seeing you. Don't confront him personally or attack him so strongly that your friend will report back to him that you hate him, or he may do what many abusers do, and force her to cut herself away from her friends.

Do, however, explain to her that she has already done everything, MORE than everything, that a loving and loyal girlfriend should do, and that he is no longer worthy or even in need of her care. She feels guilty about dumping him, and has admitted as such, because she believes for whatever reason that only a bad person would dump her boyfriend and she would be (insert bad word here - frigid, cruel, a whore) if she dared break up with him.

You can build her up and fill her head with praise and encouragement to help her realize she deserves better. Try taking her out to the salon or joining some sort of healthful class with her, such as yoga or tai chi, which would help show your support, give you time together away from him, and help her spend time on herself and getting in touch with her body and its value. I suggested the health class because you said he told her to gain weight, and it's important for someone to positively counter his suggestion lest she lose all faith in her body - and because exercise is good for the soul.

If you have a boyfriend of your own, you can try inviting her along with the two of you so she can remember how a man should treat his woman. You could try introducing her to new men but this can backfire so I'll leave it up to you, but ultimately, this is what worked to get me out of my own 5-year controlling relationship - meeting a man who was actually nice to me and remembering that this was how things should be.

Don't expect the poor thing to be logical in convesations you have about her abuser. It's amazing how wilfully blind a person can be when encouraged to be so. Just do your best to shine the light of friendship on the dark, writhing underbelly of their relationship, and you'll have done the best you can. It would make things easier if he did hit her, since then, yes, you have legal support, but don't sit around waiting for suspicious bruises or it might be too late.

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There's no justice. There's just us.