sound chaser

When i was younger and more naive, i guess i used to think that there had to be a sexual attraction when dating somebody. OK, yes there is personality, but I thought since sex is important in a relationship in terms of expressing love and intimacy then having someone whom to you was hot was important.

But lately, I've been revising that belief. Thing is, over the past few weeks I've met a woman on facebook. I suppose, if being honest, she isn't my immediate type. That's not to say she is totally ugly, no, but she isn't necessarily someone i'd immediately go for. But chatting with her online and on the phone make me realize she is decent, wise and kind hearted. I'm not necessarily expecting anything here, but I suppose I'm warming to her because of her character traits alone.

Is it common to warm to somebody of the opposite sex based solely on his/her personality? Does an initial physical attraction have to happen for a relationship to work out?

ratbastid

Certainly. In fact, I'll bet you find her more and more physically attractive as you grow to appreciate her as a person, too.

I'd say things like that happen more these days than ever before, thanks to the Internet.

Ayashe

I believe that physical attraction is what would draw us to a person, but not what holds us there. If any of us are at a large gathering I highly doubt that we would feel that gravitational pull towards someone who we don't find attractive. Meeting someone in a somewhat anonymous way and getting a chance to know the inner beauties of a person before being eyed-up and down and suffering that immediate all to quick judgment has to make a substantial difference. I know in my current relationship, having met online, I am very doubtful that we would have come together in the way that we have for various reasons. I wouldn't jump to say that we are all obsessed with beauty etc, but I do believe that such a meeting gives us an entirely different perspective.

inBOIL

I've warmed to women that I initially found ugly. I think there has to eventually be a physical attraction, but that can develop concurrent with an emotional attraction.

__________________
And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

Ayashe

Of course there has to be some level of physical attraction. Though I do wonder if you can become truly repulsed by someone that you care very deeply about on a romantic level.

sound chaser

I agree, but this is probably the first time I've come across this. thanks for your comments anyway.

Willravel

I've tried dating women I'm not sexually attracted to. They were truly great people, but I believe that they would be better friends to me. It was dishonest of me to enter into a romantic relationship with them because they believed that my interest was cerebral AND sexual, which it wasn't.

Maybe I'm just greedy, but I look for a whole "package"; intelligent, empathetic, funny, healthy, and sexually attractive. And chemistry, of course.

ngdawg

It might be physical traits that get us moving, but it's the character that keeps us around.
I've fallen hard for someone who was, by popular opinion, fugly.We, as well, met on line. But everything else about him outweighed the looks. By the same token, I married someone who was handsome, well built but not the most compelling person in the room and, true to the thought, has aged poorly because of his attitude.
Beauty is only skin deep. And some of us really do grow into our looks and age better than others.
Gotta give it time and not be too quick to draw conclusions.

Anormalguy

Question 1--I'd say yes, although how common is anybodys guess.

Question 2--No.

ItWasMe

An ex-boyfriend used to be a total 'hottie' in my mind, until the moment I saw him being mean to other people. Inner beauty (or lack of) can influence how we see people, so I don't think an initial physical attraction is a must. < insert Ratbastid's response here >

__________________
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

jewels

A relationship based solely on physical attraction will eventually fizzle out, unless one's looking for a fuckbuddy.

A relationship that begins with physical attraction can work if both parties find lots of other common ground and enough difference to keep it interesting. It will require consistent and constant hard work.

A relationship that begins as a friendship that takes an intimate turn will more likely be lasting. The foundation for that relationship was building before the sexual relationship began and will likely prove to be a more harmonious relationship.

That's how it's played out for me, anyway ...

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

little_tippler

It seems to make sense to say that a relationship based solely on physical attraction can't last the course. Because when the sex becomes routine, what will you say to each other? Inversely, it makes sense to say that a relationship that starts out with no physical attraction can develop and eventually a physical attraction will come. Though that is not always the case...sometimes you just love talking to someone but you don't want to be in bed with them. Why that happens is anybody's guess.

Simply put, if I was loving a guy's conversation and felt really strongly connected to him emotionally and intellectually, I'd definitely want to lie next to him naked, even if initially I didn't feel a strong physical bond.

I think that many relationships start out that way, though I'll say that it's nice when you feel a bit of both. You like the walk and you like the talk. I'm speaking in clichés today :P

The more time you spend with someone whose company you love, the more you want to be as close to them as possible, both mentally, and physically. It can't get any closer right?

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Tully Mars

Personally I think it's a balancing battle with inner beauty ultimately winning the war.

__________________
I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo

Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club

dlish

i cant help but being the sole person here that disagrees with everyone. except maybe Will.

i think its totally unacceptable to base our dating choices ONLY on a persons personality. i guess thats the whole reason of the saying 'love is blind'. exactly for this reason. People seem to date people based on personality only. i find that thought offensive to 'good looking people' because it gives the impression that good looking people have no personalities and arent the dating type, while those that you are not attracted are generally good people and worth dating.

i can say i talk from experience. my first love wasnt exactly someone i was attracted to initially, nor someone id find attaractive now, but she did have inner beauty and personality, which at the time i did find attractive. i look back now and thank my lucky stars that im not with her now. thats nothing against her now. love did blind me, and you tend to grow out of it as time passes by and realise that it IS greener on the other side sometimes, and it doesnt always mean you should stick it out in what you are in right now.

hindsight is great thing to have i guess.

ok, after the whole rant - i must say that a balance of good looks and intelligence and charisma is good. but i have no problem with people assuming that only non good looking people have good character, good personalities, down to earth and generally good people.

another spanner in the works - theres also the impression that ugly people dont stray and are more committed to relationship, which is something no one has brought up yet, and may be a reason why people go for people less attractive than themselves??

sorry i couldnt just go with the flow with everyone here. i dont necesarily disagree with anyone gnereally, i just think it should be the one way traffic that it currently is.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Cernunnos

If I enjoy someone for their personality, similarity of interests, and overall intellectual compatibility, they could be considered a friend. If I am attracted to them on a physical level as well, they're a potential lover.

Dating, to me, consists of sharing activities together on a regular basis. From my perspective, dating does not necessarily include physical intimacy as one of those activities, merely as a possibility.

With the foundation of that definition, I could certainly date a girl that I find physically revolting yet intellectually stimulating. Would I have sex with her and escalate us into couples' territory? Not a chance. I need the dual attractions to go there, both physical and intellectual.

curiousbear

You can fall in love with a personality, but you have to live with the character - I dont know where I read this quote.

In my experience, you can fall in love because of personality, but in bed, she has to look great to your eyes. Looks doesnt matter much if she is very involved, good and actively enjoys sex with you. It took years for me to realize how much I need an extremely intimate and passionate sexual life. Never underestimate that.

World's King

Seeing as how I don't really get the whole dating thing...



I'm sure I can fall for someone with a great personality but isn't all that good looking. But I don't see why I would ever do that. I'm pretty fucking shallow.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

canuckguy

I can become extremely attracted to a women that I normally would not be or view as not my "type" if I hang around her enough and get to know the real person inside.

Unfortunately we don't wear our personalities on our sleeves so you might rule out the perfect person just because you never got to know the real person inside which most of us do.

Girls I found drop dead that I'd give my left arm to fuck have opened there mouths said something I find repulsive in the first minute of meeting them that moves them out of this zone and into women i find repulsive.

It goes both ways for me, but i try and give everyone the chance to earn or un-earn a title fight with me....

I imagine women view me the same....some like, some no likey.

girldetective

I think it is somewhat common to warm to someone by personality alone, and maybe becoming more common because of email. And although you may not find her your usual type or whatever, she obviously is affecting you physically or else you wouldnt be warming to her, dont you think? Words are strong stuff.

Yes. I am repulsed by someone I would probably marry in a minute if he had different habits. Other than these, we are perfect for one another. And Im not OCD or anything, so you might imagine how it might be. Its seems shallow, but really its a shame.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

SSJTWIZTA

im actually surprised by most of these comments.
damn, i love this place.

let me try to make a long story short here.

I've never been a guy for chubby girls. i befriended a chunkier girl, got to know her personality, and fell in love.

that was 4 years ago, and were still going good.

after i learned to see through all the socially acceptable bullshit, i found her to be beautiful inside and out.

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller