CaptainRow

Hey, so this girl I've been interested in for almost a year now invited me to a party at her house. We've been talking a lot but I had a girlfriend from last August until last month so I'd really not gone out with her or anything, apart from seeing a movie right after I broke up with my girlfriend.
She told me I could bring a friend so I did, and when the both of us got to her house and went down to the basement, we were met by the roughest looking kids I've ever seen.

I'm from a fairly affluent neighborhood and I went to a private school so I'm used to dealing with popped collars and plaid shorts. Not that I'm preppy myself, those are just the kind of people I've been in contact most of my life and therefore I'm the most comfortable around them.
My crush, however, is from a
not-as-outrageously-affluent town a stone's throw away. Not that it really matters, when we first met at a college orientation last summer we immediately hit it off.

The problem here is that I'm a confident person but going down with my friend to that party and seeing all these different people frightened me. I had no idea what I was in for. I'm a very moderate person so I find it easy to slip into practically any social group. But being faced with these twelve or so kids, all of whom know each other quite closely, and being from quite a different social group then they really messed me up.
And I probably would have been able to deal with it had there just been a bunch of girls there. But the guys intimidated me.

I'm athletic: I've won state and national championships with my team. I can bench press my body weight and then some. I'm not to shabby looking. I'm comfortable with my body and other people... I don't want to keep rambling on with pointless stuff, but the thing is I have a great sense of self-worth (without being too cocky) and I'm confident.
But I could not, for my life, get comfortable at the party.

My friend and I both went upstairs, schemed about the best way to leave unnoticed, and then told my crush that he had to get something in my car and then just never came back.
I plan on telling her when she asks (and my friend suggested I say this) that my friend's girlfriend went crazy when she heard I had taken him to a party and drove him home so he could calm her down. And seeing how he lived 30 minutes away from me, by the time I got back I just wanted to sleep and that's why I didn't come back.

So with that whole exposition done, I have two questions:
1) Is there any hope for me to redeem myself in her eyes? How would I go about doing that?
2) (maybe more importantly) How can I overcome my fear of not fitting in with the other guys? I felt pretty much ostracized the second I came down the stairs. What can I do?

Thanks in advance for any tips or advice
-CR

Cynthetiq

so you think that she's not going to have these friends in the future?

why lie? tell her that you were intimidated by her friends since they are different than yours. Explain that maybe if you got to meet them individually it may not have been so overwhelming but meeting them all at the same time was difficult.

but lying to her is just bad mojo for the future.... at least if you have any future relationship with her.

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Manic_Skafe

She may still be in to you but the ball is entirely in her court. Most here will urge you towards honesty and as she must know already that you were really getting something out of your car - honesty would probably serve you best.

And as for the friends at the party, sounds like your crush was quite the terrible hostess and that you need to relax. It's tough enough meeting new people in any setting and when they aren't welcoming things only become that much more difficult.

It's not about your backgrounds, your pastimes or your S.A.T. scores - it helps to remain flexible in those situations but there's only but so much you can do. Next time I'd try going to the person who organized the event and have them make it so that everyone is properly introduced and comfortable enough to mingle.

And something tells me that while you're from NY you aren't from NYC.

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World's King

I roll with a few different crowds. Goth, Hipster, Preppy, Jock, Country, Foodie, Punk, Rockabilly...


You get the point.


As you get older you become less aware of where people are from and how they dress and more aware of who they are. You judged these people simple by where they came from. That's not cool. I bet they didn't give a fuck who you were or where you came from. You had a friend in common. I'm guessing they would have opened up to you. The "roughest looking kids" tend to be the most open.


Give an open mind a try.

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mixedmedia

This doesn't sound like the story of a person who finds it easy to slip into practically any social group, lol.

I have to agree with WK. You have to approach people without preconceived notions of who they are and how they feel about you. Just be open and talk to people and if they don't start talking to you right away, then just sit, be present and listen. Eventually you will find a place to join in the conversation and often that's all it takes. If they aren't talking to you, it doesn't mean they don't 'like' you. It means they don't know you and are probably feeling just as hesitant as you are. I understand how it feels to be the only person in the room who is not a member of the clique, but you really need to draw on that self-confidence at those times and present yourself. And if they don't like you, well, at least you tried. Your girlfriend would appreciate that.

And I think leaving the party the way you did was pretty, I'm sorry, immature (even for a 19-year-old, yez I checked!) and, if I were her, it would be a huge turn-off for me. But granted, I am much older than you and probably have different standards in that dept. But you ditched her and you ditched her in front of her friends. Bad scene.

Your best bet at this point is to be completely honest. Like Skafe said, the ball is in her court. You could have handled this situation better. But, we live and learn.

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ratbastid

There's good news and there's bad news.

The bad news: the party was a test, and you failed.

The good news: admitting failure is charming, if you do it right. Coming up with a good lie marks you as a loser weasel. Saying, "I'm usually really good with new people, but you know what? For some reason I was just uncomfortable with those guys and didn't know what to do about it and I totally bailed, and I'm sorry." has some class. Tell her that, and take whatever you get.

Halx

Its difficult to find a time when ratbastid's words were not infused with useful wisdom.

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Seaver

Yeah, you failed the test. As it was already said, just call her up and be completely honest with her. I like the individual meeting with her friends. You have a lot to make up for on all of the party goers as well as her, what you did was kind of a dick move. An understandable one, but one none the less.

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ratbastid

Oh, yeah, you gotta cop to that.

I amend what I said above to add, "I totally bailed, and it was a dick move, and I'm sorry."

CaptainRow

The suburbs. But yeah, I was trying to get that point across when I mentioned my background and whatnot.

I'm at the point where I'm vaguely aware that what you said is probably right but I'm still too afraid to walk into a situation and not have a problem. But maybe now that you said it I'll finally internalize it somehow and won't be such an asshole next time.

Well I meant my school's social groups. Which is pretty limited, now that I think about it.

Ratbastid, and everyone else, thanks for the advice, I'm gonna call her a bit later today and I'll post on how it goes.

Nimetic

I second ratbastid's idea.

Good luck eh, this sounds similar to some situations that I can remember.

Also... maybe you can invite some of them out with your friends. That way you won't be outnumbered.

Charlatan

Why do I feel like I am visiting a John Hughes film?

That said, ratbastid is a wise man.

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SSJTWIZTA

what Rat said is once again agreed with.

my group of friends probably fits into that "rough looking kids" category.
Example:

were just like everyone else, man. we hang with everyone from preps to rednecks. so next time, just chill out and like you would anyother time and take it easy. no ones going to hate you unless your a rude asshole.

but yeah, you've totally blown your first impression. can you redeem yourself? sure, why couldnt you? just hang out with her and give it some more time.

good luck, buddy.

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telekinetic

I don't judge a crowd by its looks. The only 'rough looking' parties I've ever left were parties where guns have come out, or people are openly doing hard drugs.

If people were shooting up or smoking crack downstairs, or playing with their pistols and that is what gave you a 'rough' impression, then by all means, skidaddle with maximum haste. Otherwise, I'd say your suffering an unexpected dose of culture shock. As long as you man up and admit it, I don't think it's a fatal character flaw.

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abaya

Well, at least you're aware of that now, and honest about it.

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SSJTWIZTA

awww, your no fun!

but seriously, hard drugs+ parties= fun.

ohh the times ive had on Mescaline.

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First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

telekinetic

Note the word 'openly'...if there is a back room, I don't really care what goes on there, but in case of police intrusion, I don't want to be in the room with the crack.

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twisted no more

Ilow

people often live different lives in different parts of their lives (i.e. buttoned up at work, out of control out of it, etc) and it sounds like you did not find the girl who you met in a different environment. Ratbastid is wise, heed his advice. Also, it sounds like it was her and a bunch of dudes, which probably means something, it's difficult to say what, but something...

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MSD

Sounds like me a few years ago, never really knew anyone other than the different cliques rich white kids at school. Take the advice you were given here, don't run away from it and make excuses. I got out of the habit, and while I still enjoy concocting elaborate excuses to get myself out of trouble, just admitting the truth ends up with "Oh, that's fine," over 90% of the time. It's a cliche, but lying means you have to cover up your lies with more lies, and you can't do it forever. If someone isn't willing to accept your honesty, you're too good for them.

MrFriendly

When I first read the OP I was going to immediately launch into a diatribe about not judging folk so quickly, but then I sat back and thought about my own self.

Social skills have never come naturally to me. I used to have extreme difficulty opening up to people I didn't know. I find social situations where there's a lot of people I don't know to be really hard to take.

It's not something that used to bother me a huge amount, because I always had my mates and my friends.

So I can well understand how when you were put in a very new social situation that you didn't know how to handle you went straight into flight reaction.

I had to overcome my social phobias when I moved to a new city and didn't know anyone. It forced me to get out and just try to strike up a conversation with randoms. I've come an extremely long way. You just develop an intuition after a while, you just learn to go with the flow and detect when the vibe is bad.

I would honestly suggest going back packing. And I mean proper back packing. Don't use dad's credit card, pack light, rough it, and travel through some back water country on a shitty motor bike. You really learn to just take people as they are, and man, you will meet some incredible people when you start to be a lil less guarded.

Not to sound condescending, but you just sound like you need a little more life experience and exposure to the real world. Great news is you're still young and have plenty of time to learn about the world around you and yourself as well

Take Rat's advise on trying to salvage the situation.

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abaya

Here, here... we've all been there. That's what your 20s are for, and damn... they can be a lot of fun.

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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Psycho Dad

I'm not so sure I agree that it was a test and you failed it. However you based your actions on your opinion of these people, and they in turned likely formed some opinions of you.

As has been mentioned, you are young, this is life and that is the way it is sometimes.

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Jinn

Out of idle curiosity, were these 'rough looking' individuals of the same race as you?

There's a vast divide between 'rough looking kids' of your own race and those of another, particularly if you attend a college or University where one ethnicity holds the dramatic minority (90%+). I'm not asking to judge; I personally have a difficult time meeting 'rough looking people' of different racial groups, because every personal experience I have with rough looking individuals of that race have ended in violent confrontation.

That's not to say it's a predisposition, but a factor of my exposure to them.

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MSD

Maybe I'm jaded from being on the Internet for too long, but I just assumed that "rough looking" meant they were black and had urban clothes.