Relationship has changed, even though she says no.. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Kurant · 02-07-2008, 08:46 AM

Just to make the long story short, I was divorced about a little over a year ago. I've dated a few women, still sorta gun shy, as I took my divorce pretty hard.

I met this woman through work, and we talked a lot, about sex more then anything, and that's all it was supposed to ever be. We went out about 5 months ago, and no sex even took place, and it was the best time I've had in years going out. Over the next couple of months, I sort of let my guard down, and she just became more and more amazing. She was an incredible person, fun to be around, beautiful, and being around her was almost a divine sort of thing. It was really something special. About a month ago, she went to Colorado to visit her family, and go to her ex-husbands mom's court case. It's something she had to be at, the court told her so, and I knew about it long before anything with us ever took place. She went down there, and over then 10 days or so, I didn't really get to talk with her much. Which was fine, she was busy, besides being stressed out everyday about the court thing, she was enjoying the skiing, went to the X-games, etc.. etc..

She came back about 2 weeks ago, and since then, there has been an odd feeling of discomfort with us. The way she looks at me is different, the fact that I haven't seen her anywhere but at work since she came back. If I don't call her, it seems like she can go a day or two without talking to me, which she has. All thats fine,but when I asked her about it, she insisted to me that everything was the same, and she promised me everything would be fine. She always used to tell me it's the little things that make the difference in any relationship, and all the little things we used to do, like she would call me when I was already on the road at work and say good morning, or she'd text message me saying good night. Go have lunch when I was able to during my day, all those things have stopped. She still insists that everything is fine, and nothing changed.

Something has changed, I can't get her to tell me what. I don't give a shit about getting hurt, I just don't want to be strung along, or lied too. I was already in a relationship like that with my high school sweetheart for 3 of the 11 years we were together.

I just don't know what to say to get her to tell me, if she doesn't want me to call her anymore, or, go out anymore, or whatever it is, I can't get her to tell me that. But I also can't be in a relationship where I genuinely care for her, a lot. To the point where I could tell her I love her, and I'm not loved or cared for back. It's almost like shes afraid to tell me, and she needs to, I'm really about ready to walk. She knows this, I've told her this, and she still has insisted everything with her feelings are the same.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

ptrick · 02-07-2008, 09:41 AM

yo
i undurstand the situation man .all i can say to you is that you have to chill . like they always say letit goif it comes back its yours

kurty[B] · 02-07-2008, 10:15 AM

ptrick has good advice.

She had to go to her ex-husbands mom's court case. The key here is ex-husband. Maybe it dredged up bitter feeling, emotions of grief, guilt, who knows. She could do a few different things, want to talk about it, or not. Maybe she's like me, and when feeling a bit down and out chooses to talk to as few people as possible. Give her some time. She'll either come out of her shell again, and you guys will have it great, or nothing will come of it.

Definitely do not think too much into it. It takes time for wounds to heal, and sometimes having to deal with a "court case" could bring all those feelings back out. Give it time.

Kurant · 02-07-2008, 10:44 AM

I appreciate the advice, and I think you are both probably right. The court appearance she had to make, well it's the most crazy Jerry Springer shit I've ever heard, you would agree if I told you. This guys mom is fucked up, excuse my french. But there is no other words. Haha! But, she was required to make the appearance over a year ago before they got divorced, and it was pushed around so much, she was still required to be there 17 months after the original date was moved.

Anyway, thank you for the advice, and I had pretty much decided she'll either tell me, or she won't, and I can't make her tell me. If she doesn't, I move on with my life, working and finishing my education and getting the hell out of this place called Alaska.

Which I was going to do anyway, I really sort of hoped it would have been with her.

It is what it is.

ratbastid · 02-07-2008, 12:23 PM

Give her time. She's just had her whole past dredged up. 'S gonna make anybody weird.

ruggerp11 · 02-07-2008, 01:44 PM

leave the ball in her court and if she comes to you she comes to you. the more you encroach on her space and mentality by asking 'whats wrong' all the time the more there WILL be wrong.

Have some 'you time.' I know there isn't a whole lot to do in the great white north (lived in Fairbanks when I was little) but you can certainly concentrate on yourself for a bit.

Mephex · 02-07-2008, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kurant

Over the next couple of months, I sort of let my guard down, and she just became more and more amazing. She was an incredible person, fun to be around, beautiful, and being around her was almost a divine sort of thing. It was really something special.

You may want to take a step back, think about what you know, and focus on making yourself happy.

You admit you're confused, frustrated and at your wits end.

Let it go, do your own thing, see what happens.

Mantus · 02-08-2008, 02:28 PM

My guess is When Harry Met Sally was shown on the plane and it all suddenly made sense to her.

Kaimi · 02-08-2008, 03:13 PM

I have to agree with many of the other posters here. My guess would be that this encounter of the ex-kind has dredged up a few emotional feelings. Perhaps she is taking her own time to sort things out, perhaps she is speaking with her ex again. Who knows, in any case all you can really do is wait it out and see what comes out. I wouldn't go so far as to completely ignore her, but I would recognize her need for space.

Kurant · 02-13-2008, 02:22 PM

Well, as I said before it is what it is.

I called and left her a message on Saturday, and she returned my call Sunday but I was up in the mountains snowboarding with my son. Since then, I haven't called, and neither has she. I'm off this week from work, but a very good friend of mine, he's my sons godfather, said she hasn't been at work either.

Not really sure what to think, but we'll see what happens. Her sister called me and asked if I heard from her, and I told her I hadn't. So, I do hope everything is ok.

02-07-2008, 08:46 AM	#1 (permalink)
Kurant Junkie Location: Don't worry about it.	Relationship has changed, even though she says no.. Just to make the long story short, I was divorced about a little over a year ago. I've dated a few women, still sorta gun shy, as I took my divorce pretty hard. I met this woman through work, and we talked a lot, about sex more then anything, and that's all it was supposed to ever be. We went out about 5 months ago, and no sex even took place, and it was the best time I've had in years going out. Over the next couple of months, I sort of let my guard down, and she just became more and more amazing. She was an incredible person, fun to be around, beautiful, and being around her was almost a divine sort of thing. It was really something special. About a month ago, she went to Colorado to visit her family, and go to her ex-husbands mom's court case. It's something she had to be at, the court told her so, and I knew about it long before anything with us ever took place. She went down there, and over then 10 days or so, I didn't really get to talk with her much. Which was fine, she was busy, besides being stressed out everyday about the court thing, she was enjoying the skiing, went to the X-games, etc.. etc.. She came back about 2 weeks ago, and since then, there has been an odd feeling of discomfort with us. The way she looks at me is different, the fact that I haven't seen her anywhere but at work since she came back. If I don't call her, it seems like she can go a day or two without talking to me, which she has. All thats fine,but when I asked her about it, she insisted to me that everything was the same, and she promised me everything would be fine. She always used to tell me it's the little things that make the difference in any relationship, and all the little things we used to do, like she would call me when I was already on the road at work and say good morning, or she'd text message me saying good night. Go have lunch when I was able to during my day, all those things have stopped. She still insists that everything is fine, and nothing changed. Something has changed, I can't get her to tell me what. I don't give a shit about getting hurt, I just don't want to be strung along, or lied too. I was already in a relationship like that with my high school sweetheart for 3 of the 11 years we were together. I just don't know what to say to get her to tell me, if she doesn't want me to call her anymore, or, go out anymore, or whatever it is, I can't get her to tell me that. But I also can't be in a relationship where I genuinely care for her, a lot. To the point where I could tell her I love her, and I'm not loved or cared for back. It's almost like shes afraid to tell me, and she needs to, I'm really about ready to walk. She knows this, I've told her this, and she still has insisted everything with her feelings are the same. What the hell am I supposed to do?

02-07-2008, 09:41 AM	#2 (permalink)
ptrick Upright	just chill................. yo i undurstand the situation man .all i can say to you is that you have to chill . like they always say letit goif it comes back its yours

02-07-2008, 10:15 AM	#3 (permalink)
kurty[B] Sauce Puppet	ptrick has good advice. She had to go to her ex-husbands mom's court case. The key here is ex-husband. Maybe it dredged up bitter feeling, emotions of grief, guilt, who knows. She could do a few different things, want to talk about it, or not. Maybe she's like me, and when feeling a bit down and out chooses to talk to as few people as possible. Give her some time. She'll either come out of her shell again, and you guys will have it great, or nothing will come of it. Definitely do not think too much into it. It takes time for wounds to heal, and sometimes having to deal with a "court case" could bring all those feelings back out. Give it time. __________________ In the Absence of Information People Make Things Up.

02-07-2008, 10:44 AM	#4 (permalink)
Kurant Junkie Location: Don't worry about it.	I appreciate the advice, and I think you are both probably right. The court appearance she had to make, well it's the most crazy Jerry Springer shit I've ever heard, you would agree if I told you. This guys mom is fucked up, excuse my french. But there is no other words. Haha! But, she was required to make the appearance over a year ago before they got divorced, and it was pushed around so much, she was still required to be there 17 months after the original date was moved. Anyway, thank you for the advice, and I had pretty much decided she'll either tell me, or she won't, and I can't make her tell me. If she doesn't, I move on with my life, working and finishing my education and getting the hell out of this place called Alaska. Which I was going to do anyway, I really sort of hoped it would have been with her. It is what it is. Last edited by Kurant; 02-07-2008 at 10:48 AM..

02-07-2008, 01:44 PM	#6 (permalink)
ruggerp11 Cautiously soaring Location: exploring my new home in SF	leave the ball in her court and if she comes to you she comes to you. the more you encroach on her space and mentality by asking 'whats wrong' all the time the more there WILL be wrong. Have some 'you time.' I know there isn't a whole lot to do in the great white north (lived in Fairbanks when I was little) but you can certainly concentrate on yourself for a bit. __________________ Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it. --Mark Twain Do What makes you happy --Me BUT! "Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

02-07-2008, 12:23 PM	#5 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	Give her time. She's just had her whole past dredged up. 'S gonna make anybody weird.

02-08-2008, 02:28 PM	#8 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	My guess is When Harry Met Sally was shown on the plane and it all suddenly made sense to her.

02-08-2008, 03:13 PM	#9 (permalink)
Kaimi Crazy	I have to agree with many of the other posters here. My guess would be that this encounter of the ex-kind has dredged up a few emotional feelings. Perhaps she is taking her own time to sort things out, perhaps she is speaking with her ex again. Who knows, in any case all you can really do is wait it out and see what comes out. I wouldn't go so far as to completely ignore her, but I would recognize her need for space.

02-13-2008, 02:22 PM	#10 (permalink)
Kurant Junkie Location: Don't worry about it.	Well, as I said before it is what it is. I called and left her a message on Saturday, and she returned my call Sunday but I was up in the mountains snowboarding with my son. Since then, I haven't called, and neither has she. I'm off this week from work, but a very good friend of mine, he's my sons godfather, said she hasn't been at work either. Not really sure what to think, but we'll see what happens. Her sister called me and asked if I heard from her, and I told her I hadn't. So, I do hope everything is ok.