My bf masturbates to pictures of my friends
 

Has this ever happened to anyone else?

We've been dating for about 2 years and everything was going well. I'm comfortable with mainstream porn, but one day I came across pictures of my friends in his porn folder. They weren't pornographic pictures; they were just pictures from myspace that my friends took when they went clubbing, or when they were wearing something revealing. This makes things awkward.

I'm insecure as ever. I feel super ugly and incompetant and I'm obsessed with fashion and make up. I was never like this and it makes me so angry that this small incident has changed me so much.

I have a small resentment to those friends that he had pictures of, and I feel guilty at times because they didn't DO anything at all.

I've talked to him about it and he says he's very very sorry. He deleted the pics and he swears that he didn't know that it would hurt me so much. He tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful and that he loves me and would never do anything intentionally to hurt me... but even after all that, it still hurts, and I can't get over it, and I'm still bitter.

It's affecting my personality, my friendships, and our relationship. Does anyone have any advice? Can someone slap me and get me to forget about it? Or should I not sweep this under the rug?

Well, I can definitely understand how this could be hurtful. And I may be out of the mainstream of responses you might get here, but I think it was particularly insensitive of your boyfriend to do so. Granted, sometimes guys are like that. But I just can't cotton that excuse to cover anything and everything of a sexual nature. Sometimes they just really do stupid and selfish things when they could choose not to.

... eh, you all know what I would do. I would kick 'em in the balls, and most likely to the curb. Even if he had no clue, that's just a sign of total insensitivity that I wouldn't want to encounter later on in the relationship.

I agree with abaya...kick in the balls and then to the curb.
This guy sounds like a total insensitive ass wipe.
I wish there was a way to make yourself forget awful things...but there isn't.
If this is happening now, odds are it will only get worse later on in the relationship.
Even though he's apologized and all that jazz I would still be pissed and insecure.
I get pissed off when my bf is around my roommates and they're wearing spandex or showing cleavage that I don't have (grumble grumble)...I mean come on...we're girls this is how we react to things like this. We view our men as ours and no one else's therefore even though your friends didn't do anything wrong you probably still feel a little betrayed by them.
We don't want our men looking anywhere else but us and the fact that he violated you by masturbating to your friends is totally unacceptable.
I would dump his ass. I do know that after being together for 2 years that seems unfathomable, but it's only going to get worse with the porn.

Sorry this happened to you hun *hugs*

That just seems spectacularly stupid to me, and come on--he didn't know it would hurt you that much?!?

I don't think I'd want to date such a stupid boy.

In defense of him, sometimes men do really really stupid crap like that and don't even think twice about possible outcomes.

On the other hand how is the relationship outside this issue?

I think Sultana really hit it on the head--this guy is just a stupid boy. He sounds incredibly immature.

You're better off without him, methinks.

My boyfriend's two cents: "That's creepy. If you're taken, you just can't do that. If they're your girlfriend's friends, they're definitely off limits. Eww."

lol, I'm not sure how that's a defense :lol:

But, I agree. They do stupid crap like that and don't think twice about it. But they're not stupid for crying out loud. This involved him going to their My Space pages and deliberately saving their pictures for masturbation, repeatedly. Not just a chance, passing fantasy. I mean, the easy way to relativize (is that a word, lol) it is to imagine that your boyfriend or husband came across pictures of their friends in your porn folder that you were masturbating to. I would be very skeptical of any claims of nonchalance about that. Very skeptical.

My first reaction to the title of this thread was, "What the (expletive)?!"
I can't imagine the blow to self-esteem that I would feel if that every happened. Toots, you can do so much better. There's a line there that shouldn't ever be crossed. Especially if he already knew that you were sensitive about your appearance... as most women are. MM is right, there's a certain amount of preplanning that accompanies actually downloading their photos. And to put them somewhere you might actually find them some day? That's completely immature and hurtful. No one needs to slap you, do NOT sweep it under the rug, and no... you don't have to just get over it.

This thread has been moved from the Ladies Lounge to Tilted Sexuality at the request of some of our male members and with the approval of the OP's author.

Carry on. :)

My first thought when I read this was... "Men have been known to fantasize about their partner's friends". In fact I'll admit to that. However as was pointed out, the deliberate downloading and saving of the pictures approaches a creepiness level that is disturbing even to me.

You have my sympathies for having to go through this. It should go without saying that what your boyfriend did was wrong, especially considering how it hurt you and has damaged your self-esteem. Sexual misconduct of any kind is wrong because its potential to hurt others is great. It can ruin entire families.

Yet, I think it's important to point out that it is wrong to assume that pornography on its own is harmless. Although it isn't always harmful (you did say you were okay with the mainstream material), it can sometimes be indicative of deeper problems. Just as alcohol and guns in the proper context can be safe and harmless, they can also destroy lives. They can be used in response to deeper pain or suffering. Have you thought that maybe there is something your boyfriend is dealing with and he is afraid to share it with anyone?

Just as you are now insecure with yourself, perhaps your boyfriend has already been insecure this whole time. You say you are now obsessed with fashion and makeup. Your boyfriend might be obsessed with sex because he is insecure about himself and your relationship. What's more, maybe your boyfriend sees this change as your wanting to attract other men so that you can move on. This could put a further strain on your relationship. If you truly love each another, you will be able to work on this openly. Considering you haven't broken up over it so far, there looks to be some hope.

Sweeping it under the rug is out of the question because it will not go away. You need to talk about your relationship in some specific contexts. You should talk about why he uses pornography in the first place. Do you know how much time he spends using it? Do you spend enough time being intimate, just you and him with no distractions? Maybe you should even address why he thought it wouldn't hurt you. Or, at least, why he would say such a thing. He should know better. Ask him outright: why does he fantasize about your friends this way? Is there something about the relationship he isn't happy with?

EDIT: ehhh waht the guy said above is better advice haha. never saw it that way. never mind.

First off: Thank you all for your responses!

My boyfriend and I are trying to work through this. It's been almost 2 months since I first confronted him, but I've never spoken about it to him until now. I think my resentment was building up for those past two months.

On the other hand, we have been talking about it openly this past week and I feel like things are a little more clear. I know that he's upset that he made a mistake. He's apologized so much that I'm starting to feel like he really regrets it. Sorry in the morning.. and a sincere sorry in evening. I also know that my self esteem is now shot to death and it's only up to me (not up to him) to build it back up. We both agreed that it's something that we have to work on. He says he'll do anything to help remind me that I'm not what I think I am (ugly, grotesque, *insert something nasty and gross here*) but that I'm beautiful and freakin awesome. :thumbsup:

Since then, he's deleted the pictures and he hasn't done anything of that sort. I just hate the feeling that -you never know- :paranoid: . I've enforced time out for myself so that I can "find myself" again and not rely on his opinion so much.

Outside this mess, our relationship is great. We get along, we laugh a lot, we never really fight. He's a great guy, the ones who take out the trash without you having to ask type. I think this just really caught me off guard because I had such a perfect image of him.

Anyway, Thank you SO much for all the feedback. It's great to have different perspective on things. All my girlfriends keep saying the same thing: kick him in the balls! :surprised:

He didn't delete them. He just hid them from you. He's not sorry.

He's just like every other guy out there.



My girlfriend's best friend back in Cali is fuckin' hot. And I'll admit to flirting with her when my girlfriend wasn't around. I might have even thought about her while I was having sex with my girlfriend.

My only advice is to have an orgy with him and your friends. Get the sexual tension out of the way.

So the dude jerked it to your friends pictures. Guys fantasize.. women fantasize. It's a part of life.. it's healthy to do it.

Sure, I can understand the "creepy" side of all of this and how it puts you in an awkward position, but I think the most important part to this problem is why it made you so insecure. You have some insecurity issues that you need to work out on your own before you try busting his head open about a problem of his.

At the very least, you can take some consolation in the fact that your relationship has stronger communication skills now..

And .. I agree with King as far as the course of action is concerned.

I really dont think this is that big of a deal, except for it making you so insecure.

Why were you snooping through his porn folder anyways?

Just a thought that might help boost your self-esteem back up... have you considered that his friends have very likely masturbated while thinking about you? I'd put money on it that it's happened.

Surely your boyfriend should've taken all the necessary steps to make sure that you didn't find the pictures but you make it seem as if you walked in on him and your friends having an orgy.

Have you two ever considered sharing your fantasies with each other? Open the lines of communication and you'll probably find that his actions weren't nearly as criminal as you make them out to be.

And also, the fact that this situation seems to have destroyed you is proof enough of the fact that you have some self-esteem issues that need to be addressed outside of your relationship. Everyone wants to feel loved by their SO but those feelings should be complimentary - they shouldn't make or break you.

Nobody and nothing can ever "make" you insecure. You're insecure or not entirely because of what you turn situations in your life into.

That "pretty girl" in school wasn't "prettier than you" and that didn't "give you issues". You made stuff up and ran with it. There's nothing and nobody outside yourself that "made you" ANYTHING AT ALL. Ever. End of story.

We human beings LOVE blaming outside events (particularly the behavior of our loved ones!) for our feelings. But maybe our feelings are our feelings, our reactions. Maybe if we took responsibility for our reactions to things, we'd stop being such victims in life.

I'm not condoning any behavior on your boyfriend's part. I'm just saying the relying on another person's behavior for your emotional state is a losing game.

I really don't think this post is funny and it is incedibly insensitive. Also, the post about blaming the OP for having insecurity issues - I take issue with that too, you would be insecure if your partner masturbated to pics of your friends - who are you kidding that that wouldn't affect you?

To the OP: I think it is insensitive what he has done, and it's perfectly normal for this to affect your self image.

I am glad he's sorry and is otherwise a good partner (if this were not the case I would have said leave). I think perhaps he's a little immature and didn't think how his actions would hurt (people get selfish and one track-minded when it comes to getting off) and aslong as he doesn't do anything like this again and you can rebuild trust - things will be fine.

I think the issue here is trust, he needs to rebuild it with you.

All the best :-)

It wasn't supposed to be funny. I was just stating that it happens. And it will always happen. Yeah, I'm sure there are some people out there that are unable to have impure thoughts. And I'm sure they are really boring.

As long as sex is a driving force in keeping the population going. People with do whatever they need to to get off. I mean, it's not like the guy was out fuckin' her friends. The dude just tossed off while thinking about what it would be like... to be out fuckin' her friends.

i don't see it as being any big deal. what's the difference between jerking to them or porn? ya, i know you know them, but that's not a reason to be ok with jerking to porn but not those pics. GUYS LIKE HOT GIRLS!!! he thinks your friends are hot, but he also THINKS YOU'RE HOT OR HE WOULDN'T BE WITH YOU. to me, it's nothing more than jerking off it hot chics!

My first question is why were you going through his porn folder in the first place? Did you think he was hiding photos? Did you want to see what the women look like that he flogs to? There may be some more underlying issues in here alone, as I know that every girl I've ever been with knows that the porn stash is off limits to them, or they just don't WANT to look at it to begin with.

I originally responded to this thread when it was posted in the Ladies Lounge (cause I'm an idiot and even mods aren't perfect ;)), but since then there have been plenty of other responses. So, rather than paste what I originally wrote, I'll start off by saying: guccilvr, JStrider, dirtyrascal7, Manic_Skafe, ratbastid, and radioguy hit it right on the money. Note that these are all guys too, as am I, so it should give you an idea of how big a difference there is between who a guy masturbates to and who he wants to be with (the latter being you)). And World's King is partly right. No, you shouldn't all have an orgy, but you're boyfriend is also not really sorry for masturbating to the pictures. What he's sorry about is that it made you so upset. There's a big difference between the two.

Anyway, work on your communication together. It seems that you've started talking more openly about this, and you should continue to do so. If there's one post in this thread (so far at least) that deserves to be read multiple times, it's ratbastid's. You choose how to react to this. If your relationship is fine otherwise, then don't choose to make a big deal out of what your boyfriend masturbates to. Talk to him about it and learn to understand where he's coming from. Let him explain what the difference is, in his mind, between masturbating to pictures of your friends and dating you.

Oh, and while any orgy with your friends may not be the best idea, why not make some homemade porn of your own for him to masturbate to? ;)

Wow, talk about a divide as far as gender goes. I can't say that I'm all that surprised, and I also can't say that I'm surprised that I'm siding with a lot of the men on this one.

I don't think it's all that big of a deal, all that it means for him to do that is that he thinks your friends are hot. Radioguy's also right, he obviously thinks you're hot too! Maybe when you think of someone using a friend's picture to masturbate you think he'd rather be with them but I doubt that's what he's thinking.

The fact that it upset you so much though is a big deal, I think you need to spend some serious time working on your self image and self esteem and leave the rest alone at least until you've gotten better.

I disagree. I think it's wrong no matter which way you look at it.
Being a girl, it would bother me the same amount as her, maybe even more.
She said she feels insecure about this, and he's the cause of it.

Also, now that she knows what's been going on, what do you think she'll do if they're ever around those friends whom he had been thinking of?
It's a trust thing, he lost that part of her trust and it's going to take a very long time to recover from that. Those friends will probably never be looked upon the same despite their innocence in this matter. Things might even be awkward between them because of him.

He shouldn't of done it. Now she's going to be doubting herself or thinking the worst possible thoughts, which is terrible.
Just a crappy situation.
End of story.

Wish it wouldn't of happened to you honey.
*hugs*

wow so if you caught your boyfriend using pictures of your friends as tugging material you'd kick him in the balls? Fuck, i would hate to see what happens at your house if he does not put the seat down.

physical violence is never the answer. I sure hope your joking.

mm i kinda agree with the people sayings its really not that big a deal.

Anyway he got rid of the pics, he still has mental images he's using of them thats for sure.

Fantasy isn't real life.


I have a feeling THIS isn't causing the insecurity, rather the insecurity is causing THIS. (judging by you were going through his porn folder, and someone doesnt just get a self image of 'ugly' and 'grotesque' overnight.)

When it comes to responding to your sexual drives, there's a difference between using mainstream pornography and using photographs of your SO's friends. Where do you draw the line? Photos of siblings? Parents? Pets?

Her boyfriend using the photos for that purpose means that he has acted on a sexual impulse that was focused on her friends. This isn't exactly healthy as far as a loving relationship is concerned. There is no denying our sexual nature, but we aren't like other animals. We have complex minds and emotions and certain experiences can have devistating effects, both physical and emotional. To say what he did wasn't so bad is insensitive because it had negative effects on her well-being. Sure she needs to take responsibility for her own happiness and self-worth, but at the same time, what he did was wrong because of the very fact that it was hurtful.

Saying its all in her head is as much bullshit as her snooping around his computer looking for trouble.
It's saying that people don't affect eachother emotionally.
If you want him to stop jacking off to other people, give him something to remember in the sack.
And be glad you didn't find interracial gay kiddie porn.

While I can say, that as a guy, yes, yes we do fantasize about our girlfriends friends from time to time. But hell, we fantasize about the girl on the train, or the girl behind the counter that we get our milk from, or our friends girlfriends. But it doesn't mean we're ever going to act on it.

However, I think the guy fucked up when he went to the effort of downloading picks. Not only that, didn't bother to keep it discrete. I'm sorry guys, but that extra step is an element of creepy and it brings this fantasy a lot closer to home.

It doesn't mean he was ever going to act on these fantasies, but those fantasies should have stayed contained in his head.

I will agree with the people saying that the OP does need to work on her own insecurity issues. Yes, they guy fucked up, but I don't think this incident should bring you down this far or make you feel this bad. I can certainly understand why this has hurt you. But still, at the end of the day, it was just a simple fantasy, and he made a mistake. I don't think that makes him a monster, I mean really, did he actually cheat on you at any point?

And for the people on the "Kick him in the balls" camp, are you seriously telling me that you've never fantasised about your SO's friends or even some of your friends SO's? It's all very easy to say kick him to the curb when he's not your boyfriend. I think if you really put yourselves in the OP's shoes and realised that you actually love the guy, you'd also realise that he could have done far worse, and in the grand scheme of things, this little transgression wasn't that evil.

Like I said, he fucked up, and I can understand why the OP feels the way she does. But I also feel that they can pull through this just fine.

I cannot believe this load of crap Im reading

Its no big deal
Give him something to remember in bed
This shouldnt have ANY affect on your self esteem

jesus people.....if you dont have a relationship where you sit and tell your SO to their face that you fantasize about the friends, this this can just be devastating one ones self esteem....Im not saying maybe there were not issues of her own but this is certainly NOT going to help

I thank god Im married to a man that thinks this particular situation and his behavior is as creepy as I do (please keep in mind we say IF you dont have the kind of relationship where that "fantasizing about others" is ok)

Yes, I am somewhat joking. However, it's a phrase. I would never kick anyone in the balls unless they were attacking me physically in the first place (self-defense), and I would never, EVER consider kicking my husband in the balls, no matter what the situation. I also use the same expression for women... I say I would "kick them in the balls" (even if they don't have balls!), just as an expression of frustration.

And finally, the toilet seat is not an issue in our house. We both find it rather sexist to require anyone to put the seat up or down, just because it's "nicer" for women (to not fall through the seat). That's just plain unfair, especially since we are 50/50 (1 man, 1 woman) in the house. Equal opportunity toilet seat usage. :)

Shani, I think your post points to the same place mine does, especially in the last paragraph.

People treat this situation through their "IS"es about it. It "IS" devastating. It "IS" a blow to her self-esteem. It "IS" creepy and he "IS" an asshole.

I call bullshit. It is those things only if she lets it be. Your relationship and mine are evidence that there's no absolutes out there in the universe about it. Especially when it comes to relationships, our interpretation of events is what we then call "the truth". And although there is usually SOME automatic interpretation, ultimately we're in control of how we're going to interpret things.

I am thinking most women aren't going to understand that beating off is just a means to an end.

Look for a hot girl, beat off, move along.

Maybe thats the confusion here between the two sides of this.

It really has nothing to do with who the girl is, its just look, whack, move along.

That's for most guys I'm going to assume, perhaps there IS something there for this guy, but he didn't act on it, so it still is just a way to get off.

Unless a person is tossing off to an unhealthy fetish then there is no reason to be concerned. Fantasy is a wonderful part of a healthy sexual life and if you don't fantasize about other people then fuck .. I feel sorry for whoever you're in the sack with.

The point again here is that the OP was already having insecurity issues well before any of this happened. This just happened to trigger the effect to an advanced degree. So basically, here's the resolution.. talk to your SO about what you like and don't like and it's ok for him and you to say "she's hot" or "he's hot" because they are after all.. in bed with you. It's pretty difficult to be creative unless you live in the fantasy world occasionally.

I agree with this, but I think for the OP's situation fantasy won't work unless she has better self confidence.

i'm so glad i'm a guy...IT'S JUST JERKING OFF...no more, no less...oh well, sometimes people have to think there is more there than there really is. such is life...the differing of opinions...

So let me get this right....you men that are saying there is nothing creepy about this would have no problem to find out your women were masturbating to some pic of your friends?

Excuse me if I find it hard to believe that if the OP has said, "I came home to find my SO in bed sucking her own nipples and pumping her dildo in and out of her pussy and got really hot and all ready to take over for the dildo until I realized she was looking at a pic of my buddy (insert name) and now I cant get a hard on because I think about that everytime" that some of you wouldnt be ripping the girl a new one

nope....men aren't as emotional....it's just masterbating!!!


and we'd end up replacing the dildo with our dicks, so we would be having great sex out of it!:thumbsup:

anyone here watch the 70's show... eric... picture of jackies mom...

I agree entirely.

Some of you other blokes might like to think it wouldn't affect you, but I'd place money on it being a pretty big blow to your ego. I know it be a pretty big blow to mine.

I wouldn't fly off the handle over it, but we would be taking a serious look at where our relationship is and what's actually going on here.

You may find it hard to believe but there are different opinions on this. I can honestly say that I would not get upset if my so used pictures of my friends to masturbate.

that is cool, i totally understand now. :thumbsup:

i always leave the seat down. i once fell in myself!:eek:

The guy's a tool and the fact that he would even keep the pics on his PORN folder is proof enough.

Dump his ass and get a new man.

I can't say that. It would piss me off to no end. I would never feel as secure about myself after something like that. It would make me think, so what's not good enough about me that you need to look elsewhere?

Friends are off limits no matter what way you look at them to me.
If I caught him wanking to my friends then there would be trouble.
Serious trouble.
This topic is troubling because even though it's about another relationship, it could happen in others. I guess somewhat of a rude awakening.
I know I've been thinking about it more often since I left to work.
(mostly because of certain comments on the subject)
I just don't think it's appropriate, and I think it's creepy.
She was insecure, and it's like he totally disregarded her feelings by doing this. I know guys are sometimes insensitive jerks, bla, bla bla, but still this was crossing a line deep in enemy territory.
I can't believe some of the rude comments...give him something to remember in bed. That is just hurtful. Shame on you!

bingo

Men and women are completely different emotional beasts.

More often than not we'd just be happy she is masturbating and hope that we can watch once in awhile, and help out.

It's completely possible he didn't know it would be hurtful to her, since it probably wouldn't be hurtful to him.

That's a load of crap.


If a dude thought somebody that he loved was thinking of ANYBODY BUT HIM while playing with herself, it'd hurt his feelings, if not simply his ego.

I know it would be that way for me at least.

Shani, shani, shani.

Apples to apples, please.

Does NOT equal

She didn't walk in on him masturbating, she doesn't even know that he's masturbated to it. She found pictures while SHE was looking at HIS porn, so frankly I don't see how HE did anything wrong.

Fruit of the poisonous tree. I really don't see how you can be okay with him looking at random girls, but not your girlfriends. It's either all or none, as far as I'm concerned.

I'm shocked at all the "Kick him in the balls!" comments. That seems a tad bit extreme for something so trivial.

Maybe it's just me, but what's the difference to jacking off over some total stranger and jacking off over one of her friends? I sorta' believe that if the OP's bf wanted one of those other chicks, that he'd be with them.

If it was me it would definitely be a major issue. I've been in a situation like this when I found an ex of mine had pictures of my little sister from our summer vacation, sounds innocent until you realise that he has gone onto my computer looked through my pictures taken the photos of my little sister and copied them across to his computer.

Fantasising is fine - but it's only fantasy when it's not happening and the fact that he probably interacts with these women on a regular basis since they're your friends takes it that step beyond fantasy to me.

Friends, Parents, Siblings = out of bounds it's just not something you do. If I am having sex with a guy I want him thinking about me not about my friend.

To break that would cause a big loss of trust on my behalf.

As for not knowing it would hurt her, they've been together 2 years he should have some idea of what is going to be a problem for her by now. When does it go from not knowing and sheer stupidity to simply not caring if it hurts her as long as he doesn't get caught? 5 years? 10 - maybe he can just do stupid hurtful things for the next 8 years and use the "aww sorry I didn't know" card.

What it comes down to for me is that he has evaluated your friends physically, found their myspace pages, downloaded photos of them and probably every time he sees that girl from now on is going to be thinking about them in skimpy outfits or naked. I couldn't deal with that.

Wow...

I really don't think it's like that at all Hyac..

Sex and masturbation are two totally different things, as is fantasy and real life.

Firstly, like I've been trying to say, masturbation has nothing to do with feelings, it's simply getting off. If this guy really is in the relationship with her because he wants to be, he isn't thinking of other people while they fuck.

I hate to break this to you, but, just because your boyfriend may not have pictures of your friends, there is absolutely ZERO doubt in my mind he is beating off thinking about some of them. Thats just how it is, and always will be.


1. Evaluated friends physically: I garrentee he, as well as any other straight guy is evaluating EVERY female physically, your mom, your sisters, every single one of them.

2. Found their myspace: I've had friends of my g/f on my myspace page, it's not as if he sluethed these people out and went all secretive to find this stuff.

3. Everytime he see's the girl......skimpy outfits or naked: HAHAHAHAH Man.... That is happening anyway lol, whether he beats off to them or not, unless they are ugly he is envisioning them naked! Thats just how it is!

Are you a machine, or do you feel lust and desire like the rest of us?

First off, if not you, it might've been me responding. :surprised:

I, too, wanted to ask a moderator if it could be moved to the sexuality foruum, because I don't believe getting the same mentality that was present there helped much to adequately assess the entire situation and gravity of the occurrence.

I see now that my thoughts on the subject have been clearly expressed already in the short interval in which I last checked. I did appreciate ratbastid's summation very much, yet I also felt some women had valid points to be less than pleased with what transpired. I see opinions that are too biased and condemning, while others do not clearly address the problem and perhaps do not realize why the OP has a justification to be upset and wracked. Not to repeat what has already been addressed is that this, like any other relationship, is based upon a foundation where communication and trust are key; to making it work well, last long, and flourish beautifully.


The bottom line is men seem to act without clearly assessing all the arguments beforehand, while the women analyze what had happened in a myriad of ways to no end instead of perhaps the one point that they seem to overlook. Internalizing the situation and constantly pondering what occurred leaves little room to simply ask the person(s) in question what their thought process was at the time.

If you can understand the how, what, and why, then can you finally uncover the elusive answer.

You don't have to be a machine to know, hey it feels nice to jack off, and when I'm horny its a good relief.

Not that it has much to do with it, but desire/lust is what all fantasy is based on, and by nature, jerking off as well.

Just because I lust to fuck someone doesn't mean that I'm going to fuck them, even if given the chance. There have been quite a few times I've wanted to fuck the shit out of a girl, and had the opportunity and turned it down for various reasons. Do you think just because he thinks these girls are attractive he is going to try to fuck them? That seems like quite a stretch.

Whether he has pictures of them or not, he is still jerking off thinking about them, that is fact.

That's why the point is, this girl can either a) Make a big deal out of something that is going to happen in EVERY relationship on the damn planet minus a few extremely rare cases, or b) work on her own insecurities because thats the entire problem here.

I don't see whats wrong with a woman exerting a little effort to please her man in the bedroom. By the same token, a gentleman will treat his woman with respect outside the bedroom. Are girlfriends of hers off limits for him to fantasize about? The politically correct answer is yes, but we all know it can happen. The same way it happens when a woman can be sexually attracted to and fantasize about his male friends.

ha. i saw this earlier when it was in ladies' lounge...and i thought 'that's fucked up.' i still think it's fucked up. it seems to me that this is as much about how the op found out as much as anything else. it's obvious that everyone fantasizes about their so's friends...or that most people do. however, to take that extra step towards acquiring tangible masturbatory material...yeah...that's just a little creepy. sorry fellas...masturbation doesn't happen in a vacuum. i liked powerclown's post...only i don't think it's up to this girl to throw in something special in the sack.

i don't know that i'd necessarily drop his ass over this...but it'd be a blow to the relationship. good luck.

edit: sorry, i meant powerclown's first post.

Double-standards don't always work. You can't always take "one side" of something and hot-swap the people involved to see if it would work the same way, then call bullshit when it doesn't.

Example:

Two people show up somewhere wearing the same shirt. The stereotypical guy response is instant friend status and mutual beer-buying. The stereotypical female response is to get pissed or petty or insecure (and yes it happens, if you haven't been witness, it can be really bad actually- and note I said stereotype).

The point is, many of you are yelling because you make claim to some magically universal infallibility of logic that just because something holds true for one sex, it must be exactly the same for the other, otherwise it's a "double standard". Not all inequities of human behavior are because something is perceptually "acceptable" for one group and "unacceptable" for another.

Some things are different because they just are, and different people react differently to things.

For some people, masturbation is just about getting off to the thought of bumping uglies, and nothing more. For others, masturbation is just as emotionally driven as making love to their SO.

Also, there's a huge difference between thinking about having sex with your SO's friends, and actually doing something (them) about it.

ShaniFaye: Generally speaking, I think it's true that most guys would not be happy if they discovered that their girlfriend masturbates to pictures of their friends. I can't say how I would feel because, frankly, it's impossible to know something like that until you're in the situation. Nonetheless, I would still say the same thing: provided there is not a deeper relationship issue going on (i.e. the girl wanting to break up with her b/f for his friend), the problem lies in the insecurity of the guy who is getting upset, not in the girl masturbating to pictures of his friends.

Saying that the root of the problem here lies in burtsbees' insecurity is not the same as saying that her insecurity isn't understandable, or that the boyfriend has no role in this. Of course it's understandable that burtsbees would feel insecure about this, but this event alone did not create the insecurity, it just helped bring out and amplify what insecurity was already there. Society trains most of us to feel insecure about things like this, and now is a perfect time for burtsbees to explore whether or not this is really something to be so upset about. Again, assuming there are no deeper relationship issues here and the guy was simply fantasizing, as people are known to do, then what he did really isn't very meaningful. This is where the boyfriend comes in by the way. What he did was not wrong, but nonetheless he needs to understand that whether it was wrong or not doesn't change how it has made burtsbees feel. They need to work through this together with some very honest communication about how burtsbees feels and also about how her boyfriend feels, both about her and about her friends. The only way burtsbees is going to understand where her boyfriend is coming from is by talking about it with him, no matter how many times people here try to explain that there is often a difference between who a guy masturbates to and who he wants to be involved with.

I'm also curious as to why the OP was going through her boyfriend's porn folder? Aren't there some zones of privacy, even for people in relationships? I would think that going through a guy's porn folder, unless he has previously said it's okay to do so, would be comparble to a guy going through a lady's most personal and private spaces, unless she previously said it was okay to do so.

As many of the guys have said, we do think about most of the women that we see sexually, except for the ones that we think are unattractive, on some level. That doesn't necessarily mean downloading their photos into our "wanking material" folder.

Now I do think that a guy should make an effort not to rub her face into it (on a PC that would be putting it on the desktop, or some place on the PC where she's likely to stumble across it without looking for it or making a conscuous effort to find it, rather than in a folder that is out of sight), but on the same token, the lady shouldn't be rummaging through his files to find it. This also applies to porn on DVD or VHS, (in a case where the man and lady are living together) he should keep it out of her sight (and not being so carless as to leave it in the player) and she shouldn't go out of her way to look for it.

Even in a relationship there should be some zones of privacy, that the partner doesn't intrude upon, unless the other person offers permission for it. (it's inapropriate to ask in my opinion).

Analog You do make a point that this could be one double stand that might not work, even though I and one of other male have stated that if this was a direct role reversal, we'd be pissed off.

So, I'll throw this question out to the guys. If you walked into a room to find one of your best male friends whacking of to a photo of your girlfriend or sister, how would you react?

Here's another question for the guys. We're visual creatures when it comes to sex, especially wanking. That's ok. Now say you are having a fantasy about your so's friends, so you download some pics. How much effort do you go to to make sure your SO never finds them, and would you want her friends to find out what you're doing? If you're going to good lengths to keep in secret, why is that?

Seriously ask yourself those questions.

Like I and others have said, fantasizing is fine, we all do it, it's natural. But I just think the pics thing is totally bad etiquette.

In reply to Mr. Friendly on how much effort is taken to keep SO from finding porn.

My computer porn is on a separate external hard drive. If I had a live in girlfriend or wife, I would remove said drive while not using it and put it somewhere she really doesn't have a reason to look. The chances of her accidently stumbling on said porn by mistake are exactly zero (none of it is on my main hard drive). If she were to find it it's because she deliberately went looking for it.

My girlie magazines, as well as my VHS/DVD porn are put out of sight. If you're not going through drawers, or cabinets you're not going to find pornographic videos/DVDs. In addition my regular videos/DVDs, are kept seperate from my pornographic videos/DVDs. So if someone visits me and wants to watch a DVD, they can see where the regular DVD's are without having to open any doors/draws (though you do have to open a glass door to actually get them). My regular VHS tapes though do require that you open a door (at the bottom of my entertainment center) that is below the DVD's.

Generally if you've ever watched one of my regular DVD/VHS movies, you would know exactly where they are when you want to watch one, there aren't any reasons to go looking elsewhere for them.

I feel silly pointing out the obvious, but it's VERY easy to accidentally run across something like that. I recently ran across an old 'home video' that I forgot existed (and I so hope the kids didn't find it too) even though I thought it was well hidden. Heck, it was even in a "hidden" folder that was in another "hidden" folder.

...Even if you have a folder address such as "c:/mystuff/my private stuff/don't go here/really serious dont go here/you have been warned/soandsos-naked-pic.jpg" ...

If you save an internet photo into that folder (on my pc anyway)...when the next person tries to save an internet photo, it will automatically suggest saving into that folder, and show you the file names in that folder. And sometimes it shows thumbnails of everything in that folder. And if the next person has a browser open to look for *their own* file somewhere and hits file/browse...it's going to suggest the last folder that something was saved to, as well as show you what is there. My graphics program works the same way.

I'm not saying this is how she found the picture. I have no idea how she did. But before shaking my finger at her, I'll remember how many times I've had to move the milk to get to the ketchup in my own fridge.

Note my above post about how my computer porn is arranged. It's not on C drive at all, it's on my removable drive. If I had a live in girlfriend, I would remove said drive whenever I wasn't using it and put it into a private place. So in my case it's IMPOSSIBLE for her to acidentally stumble on porn, unless she goes and looks for the drive, finds it, hooks it up to the computer, and opens said drive. In which case she would have taken 4 affirmative steps to find my porn folder, and would not be able to say that she stumbled onto it.

Labelling a folder as private stuff or porn folder, should give a strong enough message not to go into it. It's clear and to the point. If that is the case. In addition she did say in the OP that she was looking into her boyfriend's porn folder. She didn't say that she stumbled across the porn folder by accident. Calling her actions "looking for trouble" is reasonable based on how she described it. (If you're going into something you KNOW is a porn folder, I really don't think you have much cause to be angry if you find adults that your SO finds arousing in said folder, even if you don't approve of his choice in adults, children would be another matter entirely.)

Edit: In my reply I forgot to address one of your points about the hidden folder within another hidden folder. While you could see the folder name, and the files of a similiar type to the one that is being saved, you cannot see what the files actually have in them. (you could see what the photos are saved as, but it doesn't really tell you the contents of said photos, unless they are titled, based on their contents). Of course if you have issues with "private stuff" being seen by people you don't want to see it on a shared computer, my method makes it impossible for that to happen accidently) If I were to remove my external hard drive (or simply turn it off), after saving a porn pic, and someone else were to come to my computer wanting to save a non porn pic, it wouldn't go automatically into my porn folder, because the external hard drive is unavailable unless it's both hooked up and turned on.

I'd close the door, and hope he didn't notice that I walked in (saving him the embarrassment of being walked in on). Then I'd chuckle and be happy he finds my g/f attractive. Why should I be upset that my friends think I have an attractive girlfriend? Seems the only way to avoid that is to only date people who are particularly unattractive.

I think I'd probably just ask my g/f if she'd mind first (note: that's because I'm pretty positive she wouldn't - it's easy to ask something when you know the answer will be in your favor). As for her friends finding out, that depends on the friend. A lot of people have a bunch of unreasonable hangups and expectations regarding sexuality, so it depends on the person.

I'm not saying everyone should ask their significant other whether or not it's ok to masturbate to their friends, because for most people that's not something that can be casually discussed. The only way to get to that point is through a lot of communication and openness.

And, Terrel, why go to such lengths to hide your porn? If you don't want your significant other looking at it, just say "This is my porn. I'd appreciate it if you didn't look at it without me, because I'd like to preserve that personal space."

What you mention is the ideal solution. However, some women are highly offended by porn, and will want to argue about it. What it does, is that it takes away any possibility about her "accidently" finding it. I would have made an effort to keep it out of her sight, and freed up more space on my C drive for non-pornographic applications. I would strongly prefer not to have such a woman as a significant other, but sometimes said woman has other redeeming qualities that more than make up for this view of porn.

Actually, no I wouldn't be pissed off, it would be pretty hot and I'd understand it was just a fantasy. Fantasies happen, they happen constantly. Women fantasize about their bosses, co-workers, men in power positions etc. Why would I get pissed if my wife was <b>only masturbating</b> to a pic of my friend?? Big fucking deal. She's actually fucking me.. and enhancing her own sexuality by using her imagination and fantasizing.

I would laugh my ass off at him and tease the shit out of him. I know my wife is hot.. she's bangin hot.. so I know that guys/girls are going to toss one while thinking about her.. it doesn't' hurt my ego.. it only enhances it. I get to say "Yeah my wife is fucking hot and you wish you could have it".

The only thing I would ever get pissed at is when it comes to my daughter but I know that when she's old enough things will happen and that it's a normal fact of life and there's nothing I can do to change that.

Although this is a little off-topic I find it most interesting that people feel the need to "hide" their porn. Is it to save your SO from being upset over it? Or is it because you are embarrassed about it? Either way it's deceptive and probably not the most healthy expression of sexuality. My wife is well-aware of the porn on my computer. There's not much there anyway ... why waste hard-drive space when it's everywhere on the net?

I don't think I could say anything else other than if it really bothers the original poster that she should talk with her boyfriend about it (which apparently she is doing). As to whether it's right or wrong I can only offer that I don't think it's too abnormal ... but that is MY opinion; you have to find your way to your own opinion on the matter.

Have I found friends of my wife physically attractive? Yep. Have I fantasized about having sex with her friends? You bet. Have I told her about these fantasies? Yes. Does it freak her out? No. Are the roles reversed (ie, she finds some of my my friends attractive)? Yep. Does she fantasize about sex with them? Yep. Has she told me about it? Yep.

I'm sure its been done... probably excessively... but the thread about the necessity of a huge porn stash needs to be thrown in here, I figure.

External hard drive? DVD? VHS? Magazines?

Jesus, are you people single or what?

Who's getting real sex? Who needs to supplement it so much as to have a porn library?

I'm a guy. I'm single. I look at the intarweb porn. If I was in a relationship... I would consult it much less as my member would be occupied by another human being instead of myself.

Thats how my marriage was, anyway.

I still think this was categorically wrong. On many levels. I like pornography. I give my boyfriend pornography. I encourage masturbation and fantasy. But I would be offended if I found that he was masturbating to pictures he had secretly copied off of my friends' web sites. Sorry, it's just wrong. Not only would be it be disrespectful to me, to our relationship and to my friends, but I think it would betray a lack of judgment and character that I would find to be very dismaying. An occasional fantasy is one thing and it wouldn't bother me to know that he fantasized about them occasionally, but the copying of the pictures and keeping them adds an "ick" element to it that would set off some big-time red flags for me. But that's just me...granted.

There should be, running through the dealings of any mature mind, the concepts of respect and appropriate behavior. I don't see masturbation and fantasy as an "anything goes" endeavor. One can be sexually open and adventurous and still have a sense of propriety. This situation shows a distinct lack of propriety, in my opinion.

Most of the women in this thread have made a very distinct distinction between "random women" and "my friends" and I'm not sure why there's a distinction between them.

I'm not picking on you MM, you're just the last one to make the line explicit:

So you like pictures of random naked men and women. You give your boyfriend pictures of random naked women. You encourage him to masturbate to said pictures of random naked women. But you'd be offended if you found he was masturbating to pictures of a SPECIFIC naked woman that you know?

Why the divide?

A naked woman is a naked woman, whether you know them or not. I really don't see why you need to differentiate.

My hypothesis is that anyone freaked out by naked friend instead of naked random person is (in reality) insecure about their appearance and afraid that their SO will leave them for their friends. The reason it is "freaky" with friends and not random strangers is their proximity; the 'threat' of them leaving you for the other person is presumably higher, because they actually have geographical access to the person?

The only problem with that presumption is that it's a stupid one. If someone is going to cheat on you, they're going to do it regardless of physical distance. Sure, their proximity might increase the likelihood - but if you're really worried by that increase of probability, then you have other issues to deal with (like that either (a) you don't really trust your SO or (b) your SO is a cheater).

To further add; if I'm going to be downloading pictures of naked women, there isn't a hesitation in my mind - "oh, I know this person. it'd be weird for me to do this." Why is there for you (or women, in a generalized sense)?

Uh no, I think you presume a lot to make your point. I'm very secure about my appearance and I'm not afraid of losing my boyfriend. I stated very clearly what my opposition to it was and you just ignored it.

So your reason is that "Not only would be it be disrespectful to me, to our relationship and to my friends, but I think it would betray a lack of judgment and character that I would find to be very dismaying."

I ignored it because it didn't make sense to me. Perhaps you could clarify?

What is inherently 'disrespectful' about him downloading pictures of naked women you know as opposed to naked women you do not know?

What 'lack of judgment' is displayed? What would he judging incorrectly? Your reaction?

How is him downloading naked pictures of women you know a demonstration of lack of character whereas downloading naked pictures of women you don't know isn't?

And as a side note, I wasn't referring to you directly in my hypothesis of poor self-confidence. My experience with you has been the opposite, but I think you're an exception to the otherwise widespread and sad prevalence of poor self-esteem in young women. The fact that you're comfortable with mainstream porn is demonstrative of your elevated confidence level, I'm just not sure why people you know are somehow off-limits.

I think most everyone, if not all, is in agreement that this was an insensitive, stupid, and creepy thing for the OP's boyfiend to do. No one is arguing that opinion anymore. We are now delving deeper into the heart of the problem that lies within the initial and subsequent reactions to the incident, and also the entire relationship in question. There are many problems that lie beyond what one initially perceives as the "bonehead boyfriend move".
There is also a communication barrier, along with insecurity issues among both parties. I also see a radical perspetive put forth by a majority of the female posters that they would be deeply hurt and be quick to "dump him" if this ever occurred to them. I can see the emotional appeal, but I cannot firmly grasp the rationale behind it. Personal space is one thing, intentions are another. Unless we are to hear directly from the boyfriend about why he had the said pictures "seemingly misplaced" in an area primarily dedicated to "depections of erotic and sexual fantasies for use thereof", we cannot unjustly condemn him for doing a natural tendency for all human beings.
Aside from the already overly-stated fact that it would be troublesome and creepy to have pictures of his significant other's friends, it was just a lapse in male sensitivity to such matters (which are not ingrained in our minds from birth, mind you ;))

We falter at times to assess the feelings of others in a selfish quest to get ours, but the way I see it, it was a minor fault on his part that devastated a worn-armor of insecurities on hers. Perhaps in time, the communication and self-esteem will be elevated to a point where both parties can collaborate on depend on the other for support.

The fact is, people who look at porn are unlikely to meet the actual people in the porn unless they actively go out and try to do so (by attending adult entertainment expos or whatever), but if a guy is looking at his girl's friends--those are women he knows. He has met them, he probably sees them every so often, etc. That's totally different. Porn is well within the realm of healthy fantasy, but looking at your girlfriend's friends is not, just because of that very key difference--porn stars are strangers. These women were not strangers to this man.

To me, it's offensive, because there is plenty of porn out there to be had--a guy doesn't need to be whacking off to his girl's friends.

But this whole relationship sounded like it needed some communication work anyways--lesson learned here: don't snoop but rather encourage clear communication SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO SNOOP. Ta-da.

I am. I don't see any malicious intent on his part in downloading the pictures and placing in the same place as other pictures. He didn't say "hey honey, I'm masturbating to pictures of your friends." That'd be malicious, creepy, and insensitive. If he had simply downloaded these pictures and placed them in his "My Documents" or "My Pictures" folders, would the OP have even second-guessed it? His only lapse was a lapse in judgement, realizing that she'd overract to his placement more than his intent. I do not believe he intended to hurt her, nor do I believe that he did anything wrong. She did, by snooping in his porn folder. Even if it was within the relationship boundaries to do so, I don't think she has the right to be upset by whatever she finds in there.

1. These women were not naked. They hadn't posted pictures of themselves naked on the internet for people to masturbate to. If I happened to have friends in the porn industry who have pictures on the internet then that might be different, although, I would much prefer he masturbate to pictures of women that we don't know. Just as I know for a fact that he would not like for me to masturbate to pictures of other men that he knows. I don't think it necessarily denotes a lack of security. I think it denotes a sense of propriety and appropriate behavior.

2. For me, in my opinion, it shows poor judgment and character to download pictures of women that you know and who are friends of your SO and keep them for masturbation. This is my opinion.

3. He's judging incorrectly the priorities of behaving responsibly and procuring material to masturbate with.

4. I am not a young woman. :p

So where do you draw the line, then? It seems inexplicably complex. Is a man allowed to 'fantasize' about a woman he met at a bar? He's seen her in real life, he could probably see her again - they're even a woman "he knows." Is this too close to home? What about a coworker? A cashier at the local supermarket? The next-door neighbor?

How far separated do they have to be before you draw the line? To me, it seems like an unnecessarily complex rule set for (by all appearances) no real benefit.

Bottom line, I don't how you can expect another person (particularly another male person) to have the same expectations of "distance" and somehow think that "oh, I can't masturbate thinking of this person, I see them too often."

Is this an issue to other women? I again do not see a difference between masturbating to clothed or unclothed women. Does being naked make them sexual objects, and being clothed makes them a person? You can only be masturbated to if you advertise your sexuality? If your friends were posting topless pictures on their mySpace, would it suddenly be OK for your boyfriend to masturbate to them, because they've advertised their sex-object status?

ok there is a bottom line here a lowest common denominator if you will.

He thinks about her friends when hes all hot and bothered. ok, this isn't the best but it happens sometimes I'm guessing on both sides.

He surfed to her friends Myspace pages, made an effort to save said pictures to his hard drive for future use.

Over the line.

Its one thing to have a passing thought about someone when you're in the moment or feeling frisky but to make an effort doing something you know you would not like done to you? Over the line.

Now its between the OP and her BF as far as the consequences go but he did something he knew would hurt his GF of 2 years.

I wholeheartedly agree with you on that JinnKai, 's why I have quotations around "seemingly misplaced". There is no proof he used the pictures for mastubatory purposes, and if he did, it is still only a harmless fantasy that involves only one person's image an an alterior sexual escapade. Privacy is meant for all, even for those in commited relationships.
Hell, even in the process of cleaning out my porn files, I find an occasional mp3 or interesting landscape wallpaper in the files. Things get misplaced, along with feelings.

I encourage the OP to try to recover hers by rationalizing it with the only person who can help her find it.

Well, I already stated explicitly that I think there is a difference between fantasy and downloading images of friends to masturbate with.

Perhaps it is complex, but so is the dissection of much of human behavior that we all draw personal lines of demarcation on. And the line between fantasy and action here is where I draw the line.

Take for example someone who occasionally fantasizes about illicit sex with a minor. I would find the step from fantasizing about it, under the compulsion of arousal, to be different from going onto the internet to find pictures of children to save for masturbation in the future. This is my personal feeling about the difference between the two. The difference, I suppose, between the spontaneity of fantasy and the more borderline activity of staking out a fantasy involving people that you know.

In my understanding of the situation, he has not denied masturbating while looking at the photos. Has he?

The amount of porn a person has tends to pile up over time. Oh and the external hard drive, is useful in that it allows you to separate said porn from the computer if you share it with another person, if they are uncomfortable with porn, and to take it to the next PC when the current one dies. If one buys porn occasionally, but rarely throws any of it out (like the DVDs and Videos especially) over time one tends to accumulate lots of it. I'm 37 so there's been LOTS of time since I was 18 to have accumulated plenty of it. An existing relationship doesn't mean that the porn gets thrown away, simply means that it gets used lots less.

A good thing to point out in a situation like this, is that most guys profusely tell their significant others whatever they want to hear (and in a 'real' relationship, this shouldn't happen) because women routinely misinterpret the things we do and say. Reading meanings into things we never even knew was there.

And honestly, no matter how much we care or think about it, we're still going to fuck up, because male and female logic is different. And we will never master a female's logic. We can create some understanding, but in the end, she will still get pissed off about something we saw as harmless, whether a friends photo, or a misplaced comment.

(As a side note, yea the guy isn't too bright to have saved them if he even had an inkling that the OP would be this upset. He should have just left them on myspace, and used them from there)

yep - i'm with mixed on this. to me it demonstrates a lack of respect and a lack of manners, which is only exacerbated by the fact that it's in an area where many people are uncomfortable. yes, if a given relationship is such that these things are spoken of openly, then it might be a different situation. it might be healthier, in that open communication is present in the relationship. first of all, i don't get the feeling that the 'i'd like to fuck some of your friends in a fantasy sense' conversation has come up in this particular relationship.

secondly, i think there are a ton of things that a person's SO might think about on a daily basis, that you just don't want to hear or be reminded of. they hate your friends, they hate your family, or your parents. or maybe just find them irritating. you might be aware of it, but you don't want to hear it all the time; it's just rude. add the sensitivity that many people feel regarding their sexuality and sexual relationships, and i think it's not difficult to understand how this is rude and inconsiderate.

i also feel that there is something about the act of downloading pictures of your girlfriend's friend to jack off to shows a heightened level of desire to actually fuck them. particularly if you're doing it on the sneak-sneak. its one thing to think about fucking your girlfriend's friends...it sends a different signal that you are premeditatively thinking about fucking your girlfriends friends.

i feel fairly certain that most of the chicks i know would dump a guy who was jacking off to pictures of their friends; particularly if they hadn't discussed this sort of thing before. this girl has relationships with these other girls, the guy is definitely not showing some respect. it might seem to be a token...but i would love to see the look on some of my female friends' faces if they found out their friends' boyfriends/husbands were masturbating to pictures of them. hello 'stalker alert'.

Wow, this thread really shows the differences between men and women and how so few of us really understand the other sex. Fascinating.

My take:

1. I understand that the OP was upset and hurt. I believe her BF felt bad about it although most of the guilt is related to getting caught and hurting her, not the act itself.

2. The thing about most guys is that we fantasize about screwing everyone. For me, she doesn't even need to be that hot, she may just have one feature about her that is appealing to me. Throughout the years I've had plenty of thoughts about my wife's sister, friends, acquaintances, etc. and just as many about people I know and have worked with. That's just how we are built. That little dress your friend wears? Yeah we'll look to see if we can see up it and then we'll think about it later. If you can't handle it, become a lesbian.

3. Regardless, I do understand my wife and although I'm sure she knows I've thought those things about people we know, I know enough to not discuss it with her. It would be awesome if I could but I don't see it working out well.

One more comment, I've routinely told friends of mine that they're new girlfriend is "fuckin smoking tonight". Always with the disclaimer "no offense" and to date, not one of them has taken offense. They know all guys appreciate beauty, and take it as a compliment, cuz after all, that's their girlfriend that I just complimented, and they take it as "Damn man, you did good/ got lucky with that one. Congrats"

I realize that was somewhat off topic, but it does give a little insight into how guys think.

I think it is creepy. But I also know that my wife would feel bad if I were to do something like this.

Is it really all that important to figure out who the consensus thinks was in the wrong or being irrational here? It obviously affected the OP enough to have her bottle it up and stew on it for months, so that is the important part for me. It bothered her, so therefore, to respect those feelings, he shouldn't do it.

And I don't think he has done it again since, so this to me is just another learning experience about each other for this couple. Some of you obviously can handle such things and don't experience jealousy from or feelings of inadequacy from some thing. Congratulations, that is great. Others do have offense at things like this. This is also just fine. People vary. Now he knows and can act accordingly.

Agreed. Now he nows better. But I really think that with any action, the intent is as important as the action, if not more so. Can anyone claim they really thought this dude intended to hurt the OP with his actions?

Wow, this is quite a thread! Honestly, I don't think it's a huge deal. I'm virtually sure that my wife has masturbated thinking of other guys she knows, maybe a friend of mine, maybe of hers, maybe just some guy she knows. Maybe a guy she works with. Who knows? You know what? Good for her! I love my wife and my wife loves me. We are very happily married. I honestly believe that part of that happiness is a pretty healthy lack of jealousy. If I caught my wife cheating on me (or vice versa) shit would hit the fan. Outside of that, masturbation, fantasy, and even harmless flirting are all part of human sexuality.

So, to those women (and men) who have said this is utterly unacceptable, do you harbor a likely false belief that your SO has never fantasized about someone they or you know? Is it only because a picture was involved that this is such a serious issue for you? Hell, I've jerked off thinking of all kinds of girls in the past, and while currently my fantasies are generally of my wife (hell, she's hot), another girl sneaks in there now and then. This doesn't mean that I would ever, EVER act on those... that's why they are fantasies. I have fantasies about my own wife that I would likely never act on. *shrug* What's the big deal?

As for loss of self confidence, I agree with several who have posted that nobody can MAKE you feel like crap. It's all up to you. 100%! If you choose to feel like crap about yourself because of someone else's actions, inactions or words, that is solely on you.

Lastly, I also agree about the privacy thing. I would never read my wife's emails or snoop about through her laptop. It's hers! I don't even open her mail, even bills in her name, unless I was told we needed to pay it ASAP when it came. I respect my wife's privacy absolutely, and therein lies a level of trust that is important, if not mandatory, for a good relationship.

It prevents an argument. Some women just don't like the idea of guys having porn. That doesn't mean that she's not otherwise a good woman to be with, but it's something where a man and a woman may have to agree to disagree. Keeping it out of her sight, in such a situation is a compromise between keeping it out in the open and viewing it openly (which may offend her), and having to either get rid of it, or not view it at all (which I don't want to do).

Only things that get hard drive space, are the things I see and like enough to save, much porn that I see online doesn't get saved. Over time (years) though it does tend to accumulate. It's the stuff I saw and liked enough to want to look again, without having to find it again. Especially if the site that it was on, is down the next time one wants to look at a particular item.

So... how hard is it to get rid of your proverbial porn pile (and not store it), but instead simply peruse it when you feel frisky?

You can always get more porn. Unlike relationships... those aren't that easy.

...

(shrugs)

Porn is like cigarettes and BDSM... you don't need it. You just want it.

Good thing about BDSM, though, is that you want to share it with those that you love. :)

If by, get rid of it, you mean throw it out, (rather than simply put it away) then it's not there when I feel like perusing it. When I'm not using it, I don't throw it away, but I do put it away. I don't leave my porn lying around my apartment. I probably could go through some of my older stuff that I barely watch anymore and decide to get rid of some of it though. I have occasionally done that.

I agree that getting more porn is easier than getting new relationships, but I don't think that I should have to settle for either, if it's possible to have both.

I don't want cigs or BDSM either, but I do like to look at porn, and don't like to throw things that are still serviceable out. So if I get a tape or a DVD I usually don't throw it out when I'm done with it (unless it sucks) instead I put it away with my other porn.

I'll have you know I'm an expert at single-handed self-pleasing. Totally comes from being in the desert and not seeing a woman for what amounts to a jillion years.

Ya know... maybe I'm beating off wrong or something, but I just don't have the desire to sock away little porn acorns to hit up like a hungry squirrel later.

I travel light.

...

I need to come up with a main idea or something, I know... but this whole concept of "Porn Cache" is confusing the hell out of me... as a single guy.

I mean... should I have one? What? Damn, I better get started.

I have to say I think this is rather telling. Not to pick on JinnKai, it's just that he's the one who said this. :p

I also notice that the OP has not returned with a further update beyond the first. That's too bad.

Overall, I have to say that I find the general male consensus of "anything goes" in a fantasy, and what fuels a fantasy, to be disappointing. But I suppose that can be somewhat chalked up to the differences between men and women.

I'm a woman. The action posted in the OP would piss me off. If you don't like it, become a homosexual. :rolleyes:

touche

Sultana's statement here keyed me into something that's been, ehhhh, rubbing me the wrong way about the staunch defenders on this thread - and that is the sanctimonious attitude towards preserving an aura of purity and righteousness around this guy's actions. I mean, all the irony of that observation aside, the issue seems to be more about not giving an inch on masturbatory priveleges rather than discussing what this guy did. Kind of like the pro-gun folks and their gun rights.

When really, and I think I speak for most of the detractors on this thread, this is not about pornography or fantasy or masturbation but about the (and this is my preferred word - there are others) propriety of this situation in particular.

Or find a woman who isn't pissed off by it ;)

It's been well-established in this thread that, generally speaking, men think one thing about this while women think another (there are, of course, exceptions). It is very unfair to claim that one or the other is more right, and attempting to do so is the kind of thing that is bound to lead to unhappiness. Relationships don't work by asserting one's own view on the other person, they work by communicating and learning to understand where the other person is coming from. That means that, yes, the boyfriend should have thought more about the possible effects of his actions, but it also means that she needs to at least try and understand his viewpoint about all this. Neither side has the right to deny how the other feels. They can only acknowledge it, learn to understand it as best they can, and deal with it. The boyfriend needs to acknowledge that she is upset by this (which, it seems, he has) and do what he can to address that. But, she also needs to acknowledge that his mind deals with fantasy differently than hers and that masturbating to pictures of her friends was not a referendum on her. It was simply a fantasy, because - as others have said - guy's fantasize about having sex with pretty much everyone. It is only by working to meet in the middle - focusing on how each other feels, and not focusing on creating judgments about what is right and wrong and what each other should feel - that a relationship is going to have any success.

I guess we as men should all learn that we can only masturbate to women who are obviously uglier than our significant other. Otherwise we're in for a world of hurt.

Women need to understand that masturbation isn't emotional for men. It's mechanical. We look at anything that'll get us hard long enough to take care of business. We're not constructing elaborate fantasies with the ladies in the pictures.