she virtually cheated on me... how bad is it?
 

guys....

i believe i'm going to tell you a quite amusing/tragicomic story. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months and we are on a long distance relationship but we managed to catch up quite often, and lately she was planning to move with me for a few months. Everything great and cool. She is attractive and sort of malicious, anyways nothing wrong with that but.....

I wanted to test her and she failed miserably.......

Knowing how much she likes to chat (we met ourselves online) I created a fake account, fake photos, fake everything and started to contact her asking for turistic advices about her city coz I was going to visit there with a bunch of friends. Initally she was already very friendly, we exchanged photos, and she got at once into 'me' after seing the photo.....
Girls and guys.... To make a long story short.... She started a whole sexual innuendos and we ended on talking about sex, in a very very intimate way!!
She proposed to take me out for a coffe.... Finally we planned an entire flirt, and at the end she even asked me for my phone number!!!!!!!! Which I invented and gave her....

I still didnt tell her anything.... It happened just last friday after all. Yesterday she noticed my smss were very bitter and she asked me if everything was ok.... i wrote her: can I trust you? and she called me acting offended.... but apparently no alarm bell rang in her head!
Everything is normal.....! Tomorrow, on monday she has another online appointment with the fake me.

Do I have reasons to be pissed off? Shall I break up? Any advices??
Thanks a lot.

You created an issue
You lied to someone you care about
You failed your own test as soon as you instigated it
You deserve exactly what you got
and.....Yes.....break off the relationship, you have destroyed any hope for trust.

Be Careful What You Wish For, You Just Might Get It

Yeah, I have some advice. Quit playing idiot games with your girlfriend. This is how middle school children behave when they start dating. It's not the way mature adults carry out relationships.

There is one last chance to salvage this IMHO. Take the advice of the first two replies, tell her what you did, apologize and tell her you will never do this again and will in the future try to develop a relationship instead of playing games. Good luck man.

ok thanks guys,

tecoyah - yes i created an issue, and even if in an unfair way I discovered something quite bad, how they say, the ends justifies the means, don't you think I had the right to know it? Would you call it to lie, a test to find out if someone is lieing? It's like using a truth machine. And I didn't fail the test, she failed. If she would behaved differently, like being just friend, then she would of passed it and everybody's happy.
Was it me who destroied any hope for the truth? ummm i would say it was her.

shakran - the game might have been probably idiot... but i got to discover a side of her I cannot accept ... again, the ends justifies the means

psychodad - shall I apologize to her?!? :) didnt really get this, would you explane it to me? -thanks anyway

so, genuine question, why shall i break up?

You shall break up because you are not mature enough to be in a relationship.

Yes, it's a lie to test if someone else is lying. It's not a "truth machine," you're not a police officer assigned to find out if someone is lying. You're a boyfriend. No "test" is justified in a relationship, period.

Are you going to put every girl you date through the same "test?" Gee, what a great way to express your love for someone.

I want to change my advice. Just break up with her and do her a favor. When you mature enough for a relationship, take baby steps and start with someone you can interact with daily on a face to face basis before trying something advanced like a long distance relationship.

abaya - actually I did... and they all passed (3)
I am a normal balanced person, not jealous, however certain very outgoing attitudes of her alarmed me and I did what I did.
Considering that she asked my cellphone and proposed to take me out... I find it a bigger sin than me faking the identity.

I still believe that the ends justifies the means

psycho dad, I respect your opinion but you just gave me a statement without motivating it, and without answering me

Ding! Abaya nailed it.


You seriously expect us to believe this after what you told us? Non-jealous people do not set up elaborate traps for their girlfriends.

You already said this is long distance. You were the one who instigated this plan. Were you talking to her in the same manner as you usually do while you were in "disguise"? If yes, isn't that a proof that she likes your attitude and personality? You two met online. While online relationships work (I know real life friends who did this successfully), I think it is best to assume that before you meet each other face to face, you two are still considered OK to trial for other potential partners. Maybe she thinks that way.

Did you even talk about relationship guidelines before this? Everything should be out in the open, discussing what specifically defines "cheating" in your particular relationship, or how much time to spend with friends versus just as a couple alone. What one couple thinks is "cheating" is not always the same as another couple. Some are stricter. Some are more relaxed and OK with open relationships.

If you still want to try mending this relationship, tell her everything completely and honestly. Don't hide certain details or feelings. This is not a surefire way of fixing the relationship. In the end, she is the one to decide. But morally, this is one of the best. The other people who spoke before me also offer morally very sound advice.

Dude, I've had a girlfriend actually cheat on me, and I was none the wiser until her "other" man confronted me because he thought she was cheating on him with me. (Fucked up, yes?) Anyhow, the point is this....I've been fucked over in the past, and since then I've NEVER even remotely considered what you've done.

The relationship is damaged badly by both of you. Let it go.

yes, she loved my approach and we are in love.
Anyhow I might just dont tell her anything, stopping with that virtual thing of course, and continue the relationship.
Not forgetting, although that she is a potential cheater.

Why will you not tell her anything?

let's say we both stand in the wrong side. We both lied quite bad, me for my unfair subtle test, and her for her wish to cheat, flirt and have sex with a stranger

i feel we are quite even

She is not worthy of being your girlfriend since she seems like a likely cheater.
You're not worthy of being her boyfriend since you're manipulative.

So yes you two should break up!

The problem with your test, Liam, is that while it helps you uncover if she is a potential cheater or not, it also establishes you as someone who's untrustworthy. So you end up undermining the relationship no matter what her reaction to your plan will be.

Sure, you can hide the fact that you make a girl go through that test (if she passes) and try to live happily ever after but:
1) If she finds out, she will have a problem trusting you.
2) If she doesn't, you have to live with a lie, and that will affect your actions in your relationship on some level.

Everyone is a potential cheater. You will DRIVE her to cheating (or a breakup) if you continue to treat her like a liar and a slut.

So you've tested your other three girlfriends? Why aren't you still with them? Could it be because you lied to them on a large scale, deceiving them merely to satisfy your own pathetic ego?

Dude, get a parrot or something. You aren't capable of handling a woman right now.

To fix a lie is to tell about it and apologise, not to hide it.

And you did not answer my question properly. I will rephrase it in a better way: What part of your feelings prevents you from telling her? I realise this is online, but the attitude in the language you use makes me sense you are avoiding.

noodlebee, i wouldnt want to tell it to her not for feelings but for logical reasons: i created the issue and I have to go through it myself, whether i decide to leave her or not. If i tell her I create a case that could be irreversable, and i dont want it, not now at least.

Again, here it seems that I am the only one who lied, but her lie is as bigger as mine....

Acetylene - i dont treat her like a slut, and no, not everyone is a potential cheater, i have done the exact same things to a couple of my ex's and nothing happened. I didnt force anything, believe it or not, she led the conversation into sexual innuendos....

ktspktsp - am I manipulative? the ends justifies the means, and i dont understand why i am untrustworthy because I did that test.
A police officer who gives the truth machine test to someone is untrustworthy?

you just dont want to give her the chance to dump you because you believe in manipulative controlling unacceptable behaviour.

You were all set to take her actions and dump her irriversably but you cant take your own medicine

you keep touting the ends justify the means....why are you asking for advice then, you dont think you did anything wrong....every person here says you did...doesnt that tell you something?


grow up

ShaniFaye - thank you. I didnt say that I havent done anything wrong, on the contrary I just said that I did something wrong and I did lie.
However, she did as well. I am just trying to understand who has the worst behavior here. In my opinion we are 50% 50%

This situation is more akin to entrapment rather than anything else.

ktspktsp - this situation is more like.... leaving a wallet on the sidewalk.... there are those who pick it up and steal it....those who bring it back to the police, and those who just keep going and ignore it

well allow me to answer that for you

YOU had the worse behaviour. You feel the need to "test" her because she is outgoing, not because she "did" anything.

Be a man, tell her what you did and that you cant trust her because she's outgoing...then go find yourself a woman thats content to sit by the computer or phone until you're ready to allow her out of her cage, maybe then you wont feel the need to "test" anyone

Personally, I find that if you don't tell her about your past actions of this incident, you are being selfish. Yes, you created this issue yourself. But now you are withholding information and the right for this person to decide whether the relationship is still worth persuing. Yes, she should be telling you about her own action to you instead of your diguise too. But since you are the one asking us for advice instead of her, of course we are going to tell YOU what we feel is the best course of action instead of telling HER.

Maybe the ends do justify the means, but what happens to the responsibility-allocation afterwards? By not telling her, you are not even giving her the chance to explain herself, apologise and make the necessary actions to repair the relationship.

is it possible that her interest int his 'fake' you is because she is in fact not happy and looking for a way out of her relationship with you?

One thing to realize is Women are far more perceptive the most men, and by your little 'test' on her she probably has an idea that you are up to something or doesn't think you trust her period. If a woman can't have trust in a relationship with a man, then you're basically screwed pal.

Two wrongs don't cancel each other out. You painted the picture of a man that she probably would have no help but falling for in some form of interest. Maybe she just wanted to go to coffee with the guy and not screw his brains out. How far were you willing to go with the fake you? You created a scenario DESIGNED to lure her away from you. People tend to not cheat if they are happy in their current relationship... which tells me she's not happy with you, and if she found out about your little manipulative streak she'd probably drop you like a bad habbit.

You have some serious Trust issues man, break it off and re-evaluate your relationship goals

WOW!

Break-up with her, move on, and stop the manipulation. It's extremely unattractive and if I were your girlfriend, I'd kick your ass and then kick you when you were down. That is a dickish move and you need to grow up. Also, from my experience, manipulating is a sign of a future abusive relationship.


AND...if she is opting to cheat on you...what is wrong in the relationship? If she was happy and serious about you, she wouldn't consider going elsewhere....just a thought.

Learn how to have a mature relationship.

There's no 50-50 here. You forced this result. You wouldn't have left her alone until she DID show attraction to your mythical cheat-target, because ultimately you're out to prove that people can't be trusted. You have SERIOUS trust issues, and until you resolve those, I urge you to stay out of relationships. You're going to damage everyone you're close with until you deal with this for yourself.

You should break up with her and not start another relationship until you can handle it like a grown-up.

jth - i understand your point. but let me articulate the situation with more details: she surely wouldnt go out only for a coffe considering that she led the sexual innuendos untill talking about sexual positions and other sexual stuff..... the point is that she loves sex and she wrote to the fake me that to love someone is different than just to go and have sex with someone and that she can do both, so it wasnt something innocent.

For doing what I did, I know I am not that innocent either, and i do recognize we are quite similar, and plus i just spoke with her on the phone and she told me how much she loves me and want to move in with me, next month..... so it's just a matter of her proably wanting extra sex with someone new.... nothing to do with being unhappy with me. we do stimulate and challenge one another quite a lot.

Again, I know i did something quite unfair, and i discovered something quite unfair. I will quote myself by saing that the situation is like this : I left on purpose a wallet on the sidewalk.... there are those who pick it up and steal it....those who bring it back to the police, and those who just keep going and ignore it.
See, i didnt force anything, I'd paste the chat text and show you guys how neutral i was, but it's not the case.

since i don't honestly give a shit about this particular situation; to few details and too little time to get invested, i'm going to address the more general question. can you set up little traps and tests for someone you might be potentially interested in seeing? i can't really see myself doing it as i'm rather lazy about that sort of shit, but i don't really see anything wrong with it, i don't think. i mean, let's say that instead of explicitly "testing" his girlfriend, he was just fucking around playing a game with her...and it came out that she jumped to sexual innuendo. is he still a bad guy? i mean, you meet someone 'on-line' for christ's sake, and you have questions as to how that translates to real life. so you send them some im/messagey thingies from another handle to see if it's serious for them, or if its a hobby. god knows people like to play the flirt game on the interwebs....and it turns out she's game to hook up with another guy as well. i don't really see the problem with that.

it just goes to show you; you can't trust shit on the internet. i don't trust any of you....ANY OF YOU!!!!

well then I suggest you find a girl that doesnt think like that, for that matter a lot of us here think the same way (as far as being able to be in love and have sex with another person)

there are plenty of people that dont think that and obviously thats the kind of woman you need

so I take it if she was in your area and presence, you'd snoop around her items, look in her mail, follow her when she did not know.

real mature.

no matter how you slice and dice it, you did wrong and now have to come clean about it. If not then you bear this on your shoulders always. In your current state of mind, you'll always be looking for this.

justify it all you want to the people typing at you on the internet, it still don't change the facts.

The good news is that if you keep telling yourself that, it allows you to believe that she's the bad guy and you're the wronged party. So hey, knock yourself out.

My guess here (correct me if I am wrong), the Guy you played on IM was far more mature and likable than the projection we see here. It is of no wonder she was more attracted to him than to you.
You asked for advice, and overwhelmingly it has leaned towards you changing attitudes on what a relationship should be. understand as well, that few places you will go will have the experienced and mature membership you find here. I would recommend you re-read this entire thread....take in the advice....and then evaluate how you play the game of love.

Hrrm, one could argue that we're all cheaters for the right price.

You might be a big idiot for doing this Jerry Springer circus nonsense, but as long as you learn something from it and don't do it again... you'll be fine.

I won't claim to know the relationship rules of privacy / truthfulness... I'm a fool when it comes to those.

Perhaps you should focus on being the man she wants instead of playing him on SMS.

tell her what you did, and when the most likely outcome of her dumping your immature self happens, learn from it.

she hasn't done anything wrong yet dude, you have. don't push the blame to her where there is no blame. it's just talk, talk is cheep.

i talk in sexual innuendo's to many people, people i will never meet, and those i will, she may just be looking for a friend to discuss you with, someone who is mature and open.

what you did... yuk. to reiterate what most of my peers have said, you are to immature to be in an intimate relationship with someone.

Here's how you're supposed to go about establishing the boundaries of a relationship:
Talk to the other person about it in a clear and straightforward manner.
This requires you to be clear on your own boundaries first, of course.

It's not clear what boundaries have been set. You may think of it as a 1:1 thing, but she may think of it as a long-distance friends-with-benefits arrangement. So whatever self-righteous sense of betrayal you may be trying to build for yourself is easily deflated by her simply saying "Whoa, guy. We didn't have that kind of relationship."

Just because you didn't want to see other people doesn't mean she felt the same way. And that's all you've found out. She may be acting with a clear conscience.... so leave the "cheating slut" rhetoric at home.

No. What you did was leave the wallet, then stand there and continuously badger her into taking, and now you're taking offense because she walked by and glanced at the wallet on the ground.

Based on what you said, all it sounds like is she engaged in playful banter. Not once in your original post did you mention that they were supposed to meet for sex. You put it in her head that he was kind of a lost tourist and then turned it into a friendship. Was there ever any mention of it being a meeting for anything beyond just a cup of coffee and her showing him around the city a bit? Your only proof is that she used sexual innuendos. Hell, I've used sexual innuendos with friends that I have no intention of sleeping with and who know that it's just me joking around. I know she said that relationships were different than just having sex with someone, and she could do both, but did she actually say that's what was going on here? I'm guessing not. It sounds more like you were searching for what you wanted to hear. A lot of people can do both, it doesn't mean that they will do both at the same time. Dude, grow up and tell her what you did.

Quit saying that. The ends do not justify the means. YOU manipulated her into saying exactly what YOU wanted to hear, and by the sounds of it, she didn't even go far enough where you even have a leg to stand on in this. Seriously, how old are you? Quit playing games and act like an adult. This situation isn't 50/50. This is 100% your issue.

let me give more details then: we planned to have sex in the hotel i was going to stay, she asked me for my cellphone and she said that first she wanted to get to know me, slowly and in a flirty way, and then get intimate. She asked me directly explicitly my sexual tastes.

I didnt manipulate her at all!!! i was friendly at the beginning, she asked me for the photos first and for my cellphone first, and she let into a sexual conversation.
Women are not so silly to let themselves being manipulated in sexual ways... unless they do want that..

Except for the whole "pretending to be somebody else on IM so you could test her and see if she can be provoked into demonstrating the untrustworthiness you suspected all along" thing.

But, hey, keep telling yourself that. :shakehead:

What will you do in the future if you do stay with this girl, and decide she's acting suspicious? Are you going to devise a new "test" of her affections and dedication to you?

You're not just manipulative, you're a liar. You lied to her, and now you're lying to yourself. Let this one go.

StellaLuna - you might be right, I am a liar, she is a liar.... so maybe we're good together ;)

To make a long story short...


You're an idiot.



When you two break up in a few months... it will be all your fault. Good job.

right... you reap what you sow.

Anyone ever consider she was on to him?
As a joke, someone tried this with me and at first, I thought it was a stranger, but certain words, spellings, etc., gave it away. So I played along.
I'm curious too as to why the exes are exes, given that this 'game' is apparently something the OP does with pride each blossoming relationship.
Psych major?

You keep using that phrase. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Anyway... so basically what it boils down to is that you don't trust her. Why would you want to continue a relationship with someone you don't trust, let alone move in with them?

Also, I think if you would stop being so defensive for a second and hear what we're all saying, it might really help. You have issues trusting girls... I don't think you can deny that. The problem with that is, you won't ever be able to develop healthy, happy relationships because you are trying to control something that is uncontrollable. You can't control her choices or actions, but you CAN control yours... which is exactly why it makes no difference whose "sin" was greater. You've admitted that you did wrong, and now you need to do what you can to make it right... or at the very least, don't make the same mistake again.

Quoted for truth...





Oh wait... I said that...

here's now to know if you guys are to be together

Tell her what you did.

See what happens.

Creating an elaborate online persona to test a girl, who you've only been with for a few months anyway? All you've established is that nobody's perfect, and now both of you are hiding a secret from one another. Congratulations -- that kind of complication usually takes years to develop.

you should have showed up at the hotel wearing a little zorro mask to see how far you could push it.

I was actually thinking the same thing. Although I was thinking a clown mask and a bull whip...

Liam, do these words fit in your life?

INTEGRITY - adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

ACCOUNTABILTY - the state of being accountable, liable, or answerable.

Let her off the hook and move on. You are not doing any favors for yourself or her. Take some time. Learn from your mistakes and don't "test". Commitment is test enough.

man u guys r totally pwning this guy. he must be feeling horrible now.

as well he should

And you've stumbled on to the secret of a terrible relationship. Go get her, tiger. :shakehead:

ok guys, thank you all for the advices and point of view.
For now I decided not to tell her anything and forget the whole issue, I will keep you posted for those who are interested.
The mask of zorro was a good one though :)

i thought you'd like that...but clown mask and bullwhip might take it up a notch too...don't just throw it out man. my guess is you get a little too attached a little too early in a relationship, then freak out and get possessive. probably a good idea to stop that one. worst case scenario, she cheats on you (but you used a jimmy cap, so hopefully no worries) and you move on. worst case scenario, you're slapping that ass in a mask. life could be worse.

Fake photos? It's called entrapment.

In any case what's your intent? Setting a girl up the way you did pretty much torpedoes any chance at a healthy long-term relationship. Even if she "passes" the test you'd be an ass for putting her through this.

Now, if you had said this was just some girl you were dating then I'd be a little more understanding - especially if it's a long-distance thing. But you said she's your "girlfriend."

At this point, do yourselves a favor - tell her what you did and break up with her. Neither of you can really be trusted anymore ... ever.

Wow, all of that and you still think you're right and everyone else is wrong. Now that is some self confidence. :rolleyes:

I'm with WK, a clown mask and bull whip would be a great idea.

All such good advices have fall on deaf's ears. I dont think he's looking for advice. Maybe looking for something more like sympathy for this trickery because the girl have fail in his terms, so he can continue this trickery without having to burden much guilt.

I think you're right.

Hey, liam! Drop the skank, dude. She's a cheatin' ho. You deserve better.

There. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Its as though my very thoughts were stolen.

to the OP:
you're a nutcase, and your girl gets around... I would probably stop considering your relationship with her a serious one.

What can one say about a fella who is insecure about his relationship with his gf and would rather forget about any deceit on her part just to stay with her ... ?

P-whipped?

what's the 'P' stand for?

You are both at fault. There is no need or benefit to measuring who is more at fault because it doesn't matter. You both failed "the test." That means neither of you passed; there is no degree of failing--you both failed.

Both of you spoke untruthfully to one another. Both of you engaged in sexual misconduct. Both of you did something that would cause the other to be hurt and become miserable.

The best thing for you to do is tell her the truth immediately and work out the problem as it comes to you. Whether you can salvage the relationship depends on the maturity and commitment of both of you. The longer you let it go, the worse it will get. Nothing is beyond redemption if you put in the effort. To disbelieve that means you are too pessimistic and would suggest to me you aren't ready for a serious long-term commitment... with anyone.

pussy

QFT... although I have a feeling you aren't going to man up and admit what you did because it is easier to just pretend it never happened.

so does that explain why certain girls put out.. so they can p-whip the guys.

so doesn't that mean that the girl, in fact, is insecure, just as insecure as the guy she is p-whipping. cuz the girl believes she needs to put-out to keep the guy in the picture..

so i guess both of them are insecure.

I think if he was pussy-whipped he wouldn't have created a fake identity in the first place. But it almost is like he's whipped, just not quite in the same way I think.

i sure hope she is a member... and gets 4 from 2 + 2

Awful lot of phsychiatrists here I guess.

I hardly think doing this = he is trying to prove "People are untrustworthy"

How about, he thinks the girl is too good for him? Self Esteem issues? It's insanely more logical to think he has self esteem issues than to think he's trying to prove the world is untrustworthy.

However, I guess I see how battering him with "stupid" "pathetic" and "idiot" would help that esteem problem.

Of course he has self-esteem issues.


I don't think there was ever a question about that.

Because trashing someone over and over (and over and over) in one thread should make all of you feel just peachy right?

I fail to see how any of this thread could have helped him, I for one, would not listen to people who are being rude and looking down upon me. I was under the impression this forum was for civil discussion and advice given to help people.

I'm with Menoman. This entire thread is very shameful. Defnitely not in the spirit of TFP, have people forgotten the rules? Personal attacks, namecalling, trashing the OP (a newbie too) - makes the politics forum look peaceful.

I would report post but is there a button for report thread? I guess it doesn't matter seing how some of the mods were involved too.

I hope this isn't the new tfp.

King, you know I love ya, you're one of my faves here..but if anyone else here had said outright "you're an idiot", we'd have been cyber-slapped...

The actions of the OP weren't the best or brightest anyone could do(I still partly think she was onto him and played along), but I have to agree with jorgelito and Menoman-I think we went overboard on the guy....that'll scare off anyone else who did something they might regret and want to discuss...

Is honesty always the best policy?

Or, is a white lie better at times?

In the case of this thread, most of the TFP'ers have chosen to be point blank honest, and give their entire, 100% undiluted opinion.. stated in a very straightforward way (if not a little rude at times).

However, everyone was giving their honest opinion because they really *do* want to help the guy, and they feel that what they suggest would only save much trouble/drama/heartache for the guy down the road.

I'm sure that, psychologically, the OP probably came looking more for a boost (agreements on what he did) to assuage his *subconcious* guilt (since he doesn't seem to consciously be guilty).. but at the same time, if you are giving advice, and you are doing it out of a sense of truly seeking to help someone, then sure, you give them what you think and not some white lies or whatever you think he wants to hear. (unless, of course, he's suicidal or dangerous, at which point you need to do tell him whatever you need to help him stop being dangerous).

I guess my point is: you cannot blame the forum members for giving their honest opinions.. would you rather have this forum become a bunch of yes-men and yes-women? Nope. If I were to ask for opinions (and I sure have before), although I might not like what I hear, I do certainly appreciate the members giving me their full viewpoint..

I guess the real problelm was the undercurrent inherent in a few of the responses. It was so straightforward that it bordered on rude sometimes.

As far as I know when asked for an opinion, whether it be popular or unpopular (I believe there is a thread about that very thing somewhere?) I'm supposed to give it...thats what I did.

I didnt post to him any differently than I would have spoken too him if he'd been standing in front of me.

someone please let me know if we are supposed to start molly coddling idiotic behavior when thoughts/advice etc has been ASKED for and I'll be sure not to the let door hit my fat ass on the way out.

I've often found that people who are insecure about their partners cheating generally feel that way because they've done it themselves repeatedly.

And if you're going to set someone up you deserve what you got.

Y'know I've noticed that, too.
It's a warning sign if your partner is constantly suspicious of you (presuming that you haven't given them something to be jealous about). I don't like to sneak around my partner - that's why my conscience is clean and I have nothing to hide nor to fear.

I detected no regret. I see only that he asked for input, clearly expecting to be hailed as a brilliant playa. When the praise was not doled out, and instead his actions were called to task, he repeatedly argued, justified, and discarded the input several people took the time to offer up.

One asks 20 people for their opinon, one shouldn't be suprised if they get 20 people saying hhat what happened was lame, if they all happen to think so. Sometimes it happens.

I would wager that it wouldn't have gone down the same way if the OP hadn't repeatedly defended and justified his own actions, and completely disregarded the first oh, 5-6 responders.

I am just disgusted by this whole OP's "master plan".

You do not deserve to date anyone.

Grow up.

I cant believe people actually do this shit, and with no care to the other persons feelings.

Arghh...... this world is fucked.

Well ...

Let's be fair.

If what he wants is a manipulative relationship full of insecurity, distrust and deceit where he will never tell her but always be suspicious of her every male friend or relation then he should stick around.

The OP wouldn't dare reveal his trap at first because she has every right to dump him on the spot. So he will remain with her but act like an ass because he thinks he's got one up on her. If she has any self respect she'll become more distant because who wants to be with a person who is brooding all the time? Maybe she'll try to find out what's bothering him - at first he'll say "nothing" but, inevitably, if she hasn't left him already he'll confront her with some lie that someone told him about her virtual flirtation (or something to that effect). Or he'll use his virtual alter-ego to hurt her feelings in order to either punish her and/or drive her to him. In either case he'll feel better about himself and proved how terrible his girlfriend is. Since he's whipped he won't want to leave anyway but at least he can feel clever about it.

If he tries to come clean (which is the least likely possibility, it seems) she'd probably leave him on the spot if she has any self-respect herself.

Hear, hear. Let me know too, wouldja?

So when does this thread qualify as a "dogpile," btw?

After reading this, I went back and read every word of this thread. Obviously, this is a bit of a hot-button topic now.

With only a couple of exceptions, my personal thought is that the responses in this thread have been realitively civil. I'd argue that the exceptions are more from frustration that the OP can't seem to understand the majority viewpoint than anything else, and therefore pretty justifiable.

There is no "report thread" button. However, that "report post" button calls our attention to the entire thread, especially if you ask us to look at in in the message feature that's a part of it.

If a mod says something that you think is inappropriate, you have a couple of choices. You can either PM the mod in question to discuss it, or you can drag the rest of us into the conversation with the report post button. Personally, I think that the latter option should only be used if one of us goes WAAAAAAY of the deep end, but that's just my opinion. You all have to figure out your own lines of demarcation, as always. I know I've received occassional PM's from members asking if I meant to use a particular word or phrase because it came off as harsh in their eyes.

When people start cyber-screaming, go beyond being brutally honest and start being brutal or when folks start making the thread more about forcing the OP to kowtow to the majority position than offering advice.

You did what you did and I am sure you had a reason for it.

She, however, is a cheat. Let her meet the "fake you" in a public place and when she finds out its you just walk away.

I hope you teach her her lesson and you learn one as well.

Heres to my hope for better relationships for you in the future. :)

I would tend to agree. There is no warm and fuzzy way to tell someone they're being a moron. We should keep in mind that this is an adult community. There are no 5 year olds here who's world might be shattered if you tell them they're being stupid. The OP's actions were gloriously stupid, and we told him so, clearly and directly. There's nothing whatsoever wrong with that. If the OP is going to get offended when he does something stupid and then is told that it was stupid, then the OP should not be asking for our opinions on the situation.

As to the comments that some hope this isn't what the TFP is becoming, I would hope the TFP is not becoming a haven for posts which favor asinine political correctness over the plain unvarnished truth.

There is no room in this thread for "not that there's anything wrong with that"
or "I understand where you're coming from." Those bits of verbal pablum might be fun to use on people because it means you don't have to worry about anyone ever getting offended, but in the end the result is that everyone degenerates into a selfish asshole because no one has the guts to tell them they're screwing up.

The OP screwed up. Bigtime. There's nothing wrong with telling him so, and in fact there's something very wrong with avoiding the issue or sugarcoating it.

I had originally written up a post for this thread, but at this point I'm too disgusted with the wretched way that people are behaving.

Just because you THINK there isn't a way to respectfully disagree doesn't mean there ISN'T one. Way to give up on respect in favor of "lollerskates" and "roflcopters."

I'm inclined to defend the OP now, just because most everyone in this thread has lowered their decorum to the level of asshole.

I ask you to re-read your posts and say that you'd honestly speak the same way if the OP were a mod. Oh, you wouldn't? Gee, I wonder why not? Maybe because you'd actually treat them with respect?

I posted a thread where I said I was smarter than everyone else, and I posted another thread where I said that depressed people were all failures. Even then, I was treated more respectfully than this.

wouldnt matter to me who it was member/mod/admin ( I think analog will attest to that if he thinks back) I'd still have said the same thing. I'd have said the same thing if it were someone here that I have a "real life" relationship with too.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe you.

I've never seen you reply in such a way, nor would I have a reason to expect you would. Especially the little signature at the end. You're talking as a mother would to a child (disrespectful), not as an adult would to an adult. I typically enjoy your responses, because you do treat others as adults.

That said, you weren't one of the particularly blatant offenders.

And I'm not talking about WK either, he always feigns assholery. :thumbsup:

Care to point us to where that happened in this thread? My browser must be malfunctioning, because I didn't see that.


Yes. Ask King. He and I got into a huge fight way back when because I didn't give a shit who he was or what his position of "authority" was. He said something that I felt was stupid, and I called it stupid. And guess what? I'm still here, no one ever banned me, and since King is a big boy instead of a 3 year old, he's still here too and doesn't appear to be too damaged by the incident.

But please do tell us how we are supposed to tell someone that they're being an idiot without hurting their feelings, unless we dance around the issue and don't actually get the message across that they're being an idiot.

Actually I don't remember the first one, but I seem to recall in the depressed thread that you were pretty soundly beaten up - and I believe I was in on it ;) You just proved my point. You're still here, you didn't sulk away crying, you didn't shoot yourself, and ya know what else? You haven't made dipshit pronouncements like that since then either. Seems to me that being told you were being a jerk worked nicely.

JinnKai it's ok I don't blame them for getting all defensive, all point of views and advices are welcome.
What's bugging me is that I've read a few posts saying that I was here hoping for understanding and that I was trying to justify myself. The point is that I am not justifing my behavior nor i am not looking for understanding.

I only wanted opinions from human beings different than I.

Now, i do believe that each of us has its own reality, based on its own experience and perception of the world, and in fact my approach to life is pretty quantistic and deterministic, i.e. something is not what it is until we give importance to it. The Cat Paradox.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schr%C3%B6dinger's_cat

I completely agree as well. However, my impression was (from another recent thread) that giving someone too many honest, unbiased opinions was considered "dogpiling," and hence my confusion. The difference between "brutal honesty" and plan ol' "brutal" (from Jazz's last post) seems very gray to me lately.

AHEM "clears throat"
to bring this thread to it's original theme

Rupert Holmes The Pina Colada Song
http://ww2.lafayette.edu/~shuppr/lamusic/pina.htm

I think everyone was agreed on the advice, except the OP. He came back with the same phrase. It's the rare case where someone asks advice from the masses, the masses agree, and the initial asker of advice does not heed the advice. Of course the masses are going to agree that person is of subpar intellect, they all agreed on something for once, and that one person chose to ignore it. That's like dressing like a clown with a bull-whip at a formal black-tie wedding.

you know, that kept running thru my head the entire time I was reading this yesterday lol

Kink-ay

Amazing how much discussion over this...yea guys don't say mean things you'll get a permanent warning that doesn't go away. Check out mine....20%

I know its already been talked out a good bit but I'd like to view the positive and maybe she'll just dump him instead if she finds out what he's done.
I don't understand why people just can't be straight up with one another and be honest. Thats what works to best IMO.
Hopefully it gets resolved however.

But yea again, don't say rude comments or you get branded without warning.

I actually don't mind getting beaten up on threads. Its part of being a man.. take it like a man. ahahahaha. it builds character..

Just a side note and not to threadjack, but it actually takes more than lightly rude comments. By the way, only you and the staff can see the 20%.

Also quoted for truth. Coz it s true.

Congratulations, Liam, You're now in league with this guy:
http://foreignerinformosa.typepad.co...e_e_coyote.jpg



/too much?