iyuil

First post, long time lurker. Relationship related and long-winded, so disinterested parties need not read further. Too much stuff in my mind, but I'll try and be concise.

Been talking to a girl online for more than a year, she is less thana year younger than me, lives in China, and was introduced to me by her older cousin who is a very good buddy of mine. As is the case of modern chinese culture, cousins are very close due to the fact that they're the closest thing we have to proper siblings (due to the one child policy). That being the case, I was initially quite cautious in my interactions with her.

It wasn't long before she would always be talking to me on MSN, it was like she had endless stuff to say and I generally always reply to people unless I'm too busy or I really don't like them. I remained very careful and was somewhat cold and indifferent in my attitude towards her since I was sensing that things weren't exactly normal. Fast forward a few months and she would be constantly trying to find ways to log onto MSN (which is not the standard instant messaging program over there). She would be signing on from school, risking heavy penalties since their teaching environment is quite a lot more strict. There was even once, right after a huge blizzard, she walked 2 hours to an Internet cafe because "only they had MSN installed". So I tell her to not do anything like that just to talk to me, and she immediately realises her error and claims that she just wanted to watch some TV shows (forgetting that she could do just that at any other internet cafe).

That was also around the time she tells me she had a romantic interest in someone. She was very cryptic about it, saying stuff like "but I know it's impossible", "I really can't tell you who it is," and "It's probably better to maintain current status [with him]." Mind you, the only other guy that we both know is her cousin...

During that time her mood seemed rather down, so I decided that was enough and I couldn't let this drag on any further. I tell her she cannot like me, that whatever she's feeling is just a temporary thing and will pass soon enough and she'll feel really stupid about it later on. I did not foresee that she would go completely nuts at me, telling me how disappointed she was in me, and that she had never like me in the first place. I wasn't convinced and somewhere along in the heated discussion I suggested we cut off contact. So she backs off and claims she just recently started seeing someone, hence I have nothing to worry about. At that point there was little chance of me buying it, and besides, I tell her that since she has a bf she shouldn't be talking to me so much (with all the time she spent on me, I wondered if the hypothetical bf was getting anything from her at all). So in the end I cut off communications anyway.

And I immediately felt like utter crap. It felt like I just lost something important. I had to stick to my word though. But it was a lot more difficult than I imagined, and I had to admit to myself that I missed her. Therefore, I was downright relieved when we started talking again recently (after about a month). Things went back to normal pretty much instantly, and nothing was ever mentioned of the previous incident, as if it never happened. I find this troubling, but at the same time have no idea what to do about it. I was too damned glad to be hearing her voice again, but there's also an immense feeling of guilt.

I keep struggling to refuse to like her, it just does not feel like the proper thing to do given my friendship with her cousin. There's also the councious part of my brain that keeps telling me I know better, and I probably should. This is a girl whom I've never met in real life, and if I were to look at someone else in the same situation, I would definitely call them downright 'stupid'. I can definitely understand if all of you feel that way about me. Yet every time I speak to her, I know she's something special, she's in fact the type of girl I want (took me a while to admit that too).

But here's the thing, we talk something like 4 hours on weekend nights. I simply cannot allow this to continue without clarifying things, yet I am stuck with my moral dilema, while also questioning my own sanity at the same time. If you actually read all this, I commend you for you patience and thank you in advance for anything, advise or otherwise, you have to say. I'm a very confused man, and that is not a very common state for me to be in.

analog

A few points to ponder:

1. Best-case scenario, you fall in love and everything is wonderful- are you moving to China or is she moving here? Are either of those options even feasible?

2. Long-distance relationships suck. They suck terribly. Some people make them work, but that just means they WORK, that doesn't mean they don't still SUCK. lol

3. Most importantly, she's a little flighty. When confronted, she buckles and seems to make things up rather than own up at all. I don't know if there are any cultural things I'm not accounting for, but that's pretty immature behavior... it sound like maybe she's 15. How old are you two?

Vincentt

Go to China.
It would be a great story.

You can get a job teaching English quick and easy.
If stuff doesn't work out, go home.

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robot_parade

Ok. First, the friend's with cousin issue. He introduced you two, right? Is he ok with it? Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't have any problem at all with a friend dating my cousin (I only have one female cousin, and she's *hawt*.) So, that side of thing is in the air. Talk to him.

Second. Her. She's sounds somewhere between 'flighty' and 'absolutely nuts'. Sounds like bad news relationship-wise to me. But, that's your call.

Third. There's lots of kind of relationships. Let this one define itself. There's nothing wrong with 'just friends' - in fact, 'just friends' is a horrible phrase. Be friends, if that's what you want. Take it further, if that's what happens (but be careful - see point #1). Don't stress it too much.

cyklone

Go for it, do the whole bit. Pain is a great teacher. After you have made the mistake of letting your desire overrule your rationality a few times and experienced the pain of it, you will have learnt a valuable lesson (hopefully).

Saint

*coughs up blood*

Yeah, um...


Anyways, as analog said, her behavior is kinda suspect. She loves you, but staunchly refuses to tell you her true feelings? Also: why is she looking so damn far for a relationship? Is no one else listening? Why is that? That worries me. I'd SERIOUSLY ask her cousin for far more info about her personal life in history before you do anything.

You know, just to be paranoid.

iyuil

Hey thanks for replying. I know her quite well by now, and she's normal but just seems disinterested in most guys. I'm pretty sure she denied everything because to her there's no chance of me liking her. We're both relatively inexperienced, but not that young (I don't want to give out exact ages in case someone I know sees the thread). I'm in university, and she's less than a year younger. The 'just friends' thing, well we're talking a bit much to be that. You know, there's always the chance that she doesn't actually like me, and I guess that is sorta a good thing and makes everything else moot. It's just that I find everything else extremely hard to explain if that is the case.

tenniels

It sounds to me like she likes you, and when confronted with it didn't want to deal with the possiblility of rejection and made something up. I had a relationship over the internet from the ages of 14-17 (yes young and naive) and it was long distance (cross country). I ended up going to see him twice. We talked on the phone all the time and were in as normal of a relationship as it could be. Looking back I see how things were a bit crazy and that I missed out on some things, but I was in love and learned quite a lot about relationships and myself. It sounds like you like her quite a bit, and I think you should see what happens with it. It's not fair to deny yourself these feelings. The risk of things not working out it quite high, but tis better have loved and lost than not loved at all. I think the cousin things should be a non-issue unless you have some uncertainty that you're not sharing. Since you felt like shit when ya'll weren't communicating, I say it's best to go forward with the situation and let whatever may be, be.

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fightnight

I read the thing and either I missed it, or it's not in there, but what part of the world are you in? I'm going to assume UK since you called it University, but that's obviously just a huge assumption. I'm just curious how realistic it is that you guys actually meet up or end up near eachother. Are either one of you considering a move near the other, or would the relationship rely on long distance with visits? If there was no forseeable chance of being near eachother, I'd say you're probably in for a lot of pain and heartache (not to say these scenarios never work out, but i'd be seldom is an understatement).

iyuil

Haha yeah, I do visit China relatively often to see family. And chances are she'll end up over here some time in the future, but we're talking several years. We were actually just talking about it just then, she was adament that once she gets here she wanted to live in my city even though all her relatives are in another one. Not that she gave a reason for that though..

Jinn

Despite the claim that you attend a University, I frankly question your age. I don't mean to insult your intelligence or maturity, but it seems like you both have a great deal of growing up to do.

I'm certainly no wizened scholar (only 21) but this story sound like the types of "I like you - no I don't, just kidding" kind of games that high schoolers play. They're perpetually scared of rejection and letting the other person know, so they hide it in the most oblique ways. It's unfortunately counterproductive, as it leaves both parties wondering, and takes time away from what could otherwise be spent having a real relationship.

Once people mature enough to at least tolerate the fear of rejection and put themselves out there, they stop playing mind games such as the one she seems to be participating in.

She's quite immature to continue behaving in this way.

Being immature is fine, but it makes me also question you. You're in college - there are a lot of attractive, intelligent and available women who will gladly talk to you (and some of them are likely to be mature enough to NOT play these types of games).

I'd advise throwing this 'relationship' on the back burner, and talk to her as friends. You need to go out and meet a real WOMAN, instead of messing with triflin' girls.

Just my 25 cents.

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Scrub0

Nothing wrong with liking her, flirting online, phone conversations, etc.. but don't get too serious about it...i mean how likely is it that you two will ever live together? or even visit?

Real-life meat beats online anyday.