Couples and swinging
 

We are curious about something. For those of you not worried about letting it be known; How many singles, or couples, are either previously, currently, or are interested in the 'swinging' lifestyle? And for those that are or are not into that kind of thing, what are your thoughts? We were just curious....

:icare:

My wife and I have talked about it, but we're both too jelous to really try.

Same as willravel. I've looked into it, but after really thinking about it I realized I'm way too jealous to deal with it.

I just know I'd freak out.

A party that just took place at my house spawned ah... two drunken almosts. First was a drunk anal experienced. Ash let me play with her bum and then tried anal sex; too much pain... move onto something else. She begins talking about a threesome with one of our very good looking female friends.

The thought was intriguing. I'd be totally fine with her being with another woman, but a man would be a no. I know that is probably ignorant and perhaps homophobic in some over analyzed way. But She has a problem with me being with another woman.

I guess willravel and I are the same.

Been very happily married for almost 14 years...did the swinging thing for about 7 yrs. We haven't been w/anyone for well over a year now....lots of things to consider. PM me if you have specific questions.

Click on the video, its quite amusing and while much of it is tounge in cheek its pretty well dead on. Its even more funny if you are a swinger.

http://www.lifestylelounge.com/

TFP has a number of swingers but your questions are not really specific enough for anything beyond general answers. I'd recomend www.theswingersboard.com for more general information.

One quick side note. If you are not in a very strong and mature relationship I wouldn't touch swinging, its going to be a disaster.

I guess my statement was very general, and left much to interpretation. I guess it looked like I was asking for advice, but that wasn't the case. We have been in the lifestyle for most of our relationship, and I have been involved with it most of my life. I had no specific questions, I was just curious in general as far as the members of the board. Jealousy is a big factor in people choosing to engage in this, or remain in this lifestyle. Our advice that we give to anyone curious about it, is that if jealousy is a factor at all, don't even try it. You MUST be able to separate lovemaking with your spouse, and having SEX with someone else. If you can't do that, then it is a sure failure. I have seen it personally with new couples. For you, Punkmusicfan, the best advice I can give you is talk about it with your wife when you are both SOBER...lol. and see if she is still interested. If yes, them set up the ground rules first, and ALWAYS have safe sex with others....And as far as anal, best advice there? go S....L....O...W....SLOW, and use LOTS of lubrication. My wife loves anal, but we have to do things that way, otherwise it WILL hurt.

My girlfriend and I have recently started to enter more of a swinging type lifestyle. We don't have an open relationship, but we've had a threesome and are seriously considering doing it again. First time was with a guy. Next time it should be with a girl, but we're still working on setting that one up.

Good luck.

Guys for a 3some are a dime a dozen.

Most women are too hung up.

My wife and I are exclusive. We've discussed the possibility, but decided that it probably would be a poor choice for us. For us, sex is an expression of our emotional and spiritual commitment to each other, an expression of our love. To be swingers would require being able to separate the sex act from the emotional component that it holds for us, and we may not be able to do that; more importantly, we don't want to do that.

Gilda

ActuallJames, there is an abundance of single women out there looking for couples to party with. We have never in the past had a hard time finding them.

Dei37 and I have been active in the swinging lifestyle for about 4 years now. We've enjoyed it a lot. Had a few bumps at the start but ironed things out and manage to make it work very well for us. We've made a lot of good friends on the way that seem to stick around even when sex isn't in the picture. Swinging has taught us a lot about our own bodies and about our marriage and sex between each other. We were each other's firsts and we've learned so many new tricks and fun things to do in bed that even if we stopped swinging we'd still benefit from what we've seen and learned.

My bf and I have talked about a three-some with another woman for years, but he says I'm too picky about the woman, so I need to pick her and ask her. I'm a little shy (okay, a lot shy) about doing that, especially because my experience with people in Florida is different from my experience with people in California. We haven't really discussed swinging in the full sense of the word, but me and another woman while he and the other woman's man watched would work for him. =)

i don't see too much wrong with "swinging." i mean, if you & your partner are okay with it, then go ahead. i think it would be fun, & it should would stop your sex life from becoming "boring". but you would have to be able to do two things: first, complete honesty. as funny as that may sound, you & your partner should know who is sleeping with you ((& all parties should be doing it together??)) the second: can you make sex & love separate? some see the two as the same thing, like you can't have one without the other, & if you think like that it can ((& will?)) lead to problems.

but hey, it's your thing, do what you want to do

I noticed that alot of my posts to the TFP show up on Google.

Do posts from Tilted Sexuality get indexed by Google too?

It's something to consider when posting answers to questions like this.

My wife and I have done it a few times. A couple of 3 somes with girls, and a couple of parties.
Honestly, we really enjoyed it, but then kids came along and we dropped out of it. Given the opprotunity, I know my wife would jump at some 3 way action with another girl.
We didnt have any jelousy issues. I actually thought it was hot watching another guy fuck her and she felt the same about me.

Yes, all non-full-members' sections are indexed by Google.

Oops! Didn't mean to kill the thread!

Sorry.

You didn't kill it...it has merely gone to sleep.

Swinging is definitely not for me... Couldn't do it... wouldn't do it... and if I were married and my wife wanted to try another partner that would be the end of our marriage.

Can't get any more direct than that!...lol

My wife(damn that's hard to get used too, we just got married on the 19th) and I have both felt that other partners would be good. Right now though, we both limit it to female partners because that excites her more then the thought of another guy, though we both have toyed with the thought of her doing it with another guy.

Not really for me, the whole jealousy thing would be a big issue. As I see it I can't separate sex from love. It's like ice and cream, apart is nothing special and booring, together they make your whole world rock. ;)

Anyway, the swinging lifestyle is not for me.

On a side note: Annoying that swingers call it The Lifestyle just as BDsM and D/s people call what they are doing The Lifestyle, could get confusing.

I can always understand the jealousy thing, not everyone can feel comfortable in this lifestyle. I hope that in your analogy of "ice and cream" is simply from YOUR viewpoint. Because I know an extremely large number of people who can enjoy "making love" to their partner, and having "sex" with someone else, without it being "nothing special and boring."


On the side note:

Just curious, if you aren't into that kind of thing, then why do you say that it is "annoying" about what it is called? Orriginally it was called "the swinging lifestyle" and was shortened many years ago to simply "The Lifestyle"

Sorry if this comes off as inflamatory, that is not my intention. It just seems that your comment is condesending on those that enjoy it.:icare:

To each their own.

Tried the poly lifestyle briefly, but discovered I can't seperate emotion from sex very well, thus the end of giving it a try and recommitting back to my marriage.

If you are capable of seperating sex from emotion... then more power to you. Keep in mind to communicate a lot and be open and have ground rules *before* ending any sexual situation.

good luck :)

sweetpea

Wow... Hon, there's a lot in that sentence that is coming from a muddled understanding of polyamory.

This is a threadjack, but here goes anyway:

Polyamory is distinct from swinging in that it explicitly isn't about separating sex and love. That distinction is what makes poly distasteful to swingers and swinging distasteful to polys.

Also, there's no need to "recommit" to one particular relationship inside a poly context. If your relationships are actually polyamorous, you're fully committed to all of them. Creating another relationship with another person doesn't detract from your committment to the first person. I can see that a halfway-swinging relationship that you're treating as polyamorous could cause you some trouble, though.

Now, polyamory--much like swinging!--is absolutely not for everyone. I'm not telling you to go back and try again. I applaud you for even exploring it, because that's more than most people do. Most people have thoughts about it, and then tell themselves that they can't.

Thanks RB :icare:

yeah, I know. :)

I thought about when i was at work that i should have taken the time to explain myself better and make the distinction and better explained how that impacted my own situation. I rushed to post and hence, my post came out hazy and short... thanks for clearing it up :)

What i meant to say is that with both poly and swinging there is a mangement of emotions that needs to happen, but on varying levels and something that I did not prove to be good at. hence why i said "recommit" since i'm no longer persuing poly or swinging and went back to plain ole mono. relationship, which seems to work much better for my personality

thanks,

sweets

I gotcha. No question about that--my ability to manage myself and my reactions to life is vastly improved since we went poly. Jealousy isn't something you deal with once and then it's a done deal. It's something you continually build your muscle at dealing with.

A-fucking-men. To all of that.

as someone that lives the bdsm "lifestyle"...we "play" with carefully chosen people seriously interested in training for our "lifestyle" (Im really not sure what else we are supposed to call the way we live....but I've never confused the swingers with the s/m'rs lol), we used to be open with vanilla's but have decided thats not what we want anymore.

Jealousy is not one of our problems.....never has been, we are both very capable of seperating sex and *love*

Yes the Ice and Cream analogy is totally my own opinion and is only stated to illustrate my unwillingness to separate sex from love. Nothing else (don't think I wrote anything that would imply otherwise).

Not condeceding, just that it's annoying that it's the same name. I'm into D/s myself and it could be a bit confusing that I could be taken for a BDsM'er or Swinger if I refer to myself as a Lifestyler to somone not in the circle of friends who knows what I'm into. Just a little peeve, nothing at all serious.

Another sidenote: if things I write seem inflamatory please assume good intent, I have a language barrier to break when I post in these forums.

I didnt know you were into D/s too!!!

..

It's rather fresh, only a bit more than a year now. But it has been one of the most interesting and fun years in my life.

Ick.. now that statement is opening up a can of hellfire. *grins* love it.

Anyway, monogamy's natural or unnatural state is still highly debated, no serious conclusion has ever been reached and probarbly never will be reached since there are too many conflicting ideas that get's in the way of any supposed facts about it.

But this is a discussion for another thread that most likely will get closed because it causes a storm..

The idea of being poligamous intrigues me, although I would never want to put anyone else on the same level of love and specialness that I reserve for my husband. I would not want to simply "swing" either, because for me to feel comfortable sleeping with someone else I would have to have a connection with them. Ideally, it would be nice to have sex with other people and have my husband involved, but he is still uncomfortable to some degree with the idea of me having sex with other men. This doesn't really make total sense to me, as I am comfortable with him having sex with other women, but I respect his attitude.

We both are very excited about the possibility of expanding our sexual horizons in the future. While we're not actively looking for more partners, the possibility is still there and if the oppurtunity ever arose we would do it.

I'm not sure why it would be a storm on TFP since we are a collection of freaks of some degree or another :D

Oh now that is a good book, have it myself.
And yes I am a student of biology with evolution in normal and micro and molecular scale. (Molecular biology to be more specific)

I can see were you are comming from, and there is a ton of other things, among them in the mating patterns of humans etc that suggests opportunistic "monogamy". Something in the lines that men are opportunistic in their relationships therby giving a genetical reason for cheating etc.

I can deeply recomend that book, a very good read. After you read it I would love to discuss it further. though someplace else..

/End threadjacking
Sorry.

I used to think that as well but based on the number of children being raised who are not geneticly their 'fathers' child, I think society underestimates female non-monogomy. We expect our fathers to be randy, but not our mothers :suave:

Though you are correct in perhaps this subject would best be discussed elsewhere.

Sounds like I have found an interesting book to read. I appreciate everyone openess and opinions here. Personally we are very comfortable in our relationship, and have always been open in our discussions. Tho I disagree with some of the comments made, I love hearing other peoples opinions, for it gives me insight into better improving our lives. Personally I feel that age is never much of a factor. I base this on the fact that I AM in this lifestyle, and the number of couples that I meet along the way. I have seen an average of all ages involved, with equal amouts of sucess and failure. Heck, I know of one couple back in Texas where the wife openly agreed for her husband to swing, but not her. They were VERY much in love, because I knew them personally, but she just was not mentally or physically interested in sex, and he still had a strong sex drive. They loved each other, and she said she loved him too much to ask him to not have sex at all (Personally I think that is one of the most sincerest givings of love I have ever seen). It's hard to explain in a short post all the details, but just suffice to say that I still have talked to them even after moving here, and they have been doing this for over 15 years now. So I say yippie to them!

My wife and I have been poly for over 10 years now and she has gone to swing clubs before with her boyfriends. She likes the pool and hot tubs and ambiance. Luckily we have one of the worlds best clubs nearby us. Anyway, she only goes once a year and for women, it is a great experience since the numbers are slightly kept up for women so that they don't get overwhelmed by too many men in the room.

I know poly people who act like swingers and generally are more into sex on the weekend. I know swingers who live with their extra partners and that seems more poly, but really I don't mind what labels use. I personally choose poly because I live less hidden most everywhere and I like to really bond long term with my partners and lovers. Swing clubs are kind pricey for men, but can be worthwhile once you make a few friends. Swing clubs should offer a tour before you join them. That seems only fair. Also they should have a good website that has a calendar of events. (That is what my wife says.)

But with poly, swing, or baseball leagues... the rules should be written down on what is ok and not ok. *smile*

Jonathan

Well my hubby and I have talked about it. And talked about. And talked about it, for awhile now actually. Several years ago we started talking about it but I never would have thought of actually doing it, it was all fantasy for me I guess. Then we took another step forward and registered on swinger sites to meet people. Just to see. A way to kind of talk to people already in the lifestyle. It helped. Some of the couples we met said that they talked about it for a year some even more before actually doing it. There are no jealousy issues for me or my hubby. I want to see him with another woman, and he is dying to see me with another man it seems like, lol. But the problem I have is the whole thing of seperating making love to just having sex. Until I can get over that issue, it won't be happening with us.

Catch 22, until you try it, you won't know if you are over it.

This is true to a very close point. there are different ways to feel like you are able to do this separation, but until you actually DO the deed, so-to-speak, you won't know for sure.

As a suggestion to those interested in honestly trying it, find a local house that hosts parties, and just attend one evening. EVERY place we have ever attended has a simple policy that NOBODY is required to participate, and each couple decides their own level of participation. Apache, maybe you and you husband could go to a party and just watch. See how you two feel, and then if you are ready, consider what is called "soft-swap" which is where the only swapping you do is together, in the same room, but only oral is allowed. Make your own rules, but STICK TO THEM the first night. No matter HOW much fun you are having. Then the next day you can sit down together and talk about it. If you are comfortable, then you can make the next step, if not, then you haven't really gone so far that you would feel very uncomfortable. This is not for everyone. I have seen couples coming in to the party house ready to go, and wind up fighting later that night. You MUST come to a common understanding of the limits BEFORE you arrive. Good luck to you, and everyone interested.

Also, on a side note, those that have done the swinging before, maybe you might be willing to post how your first experience went? Not asking for details (unless you want to PM them to me!:D ) but more on how you got started, what you allowed to happen, etc!

:thumbsup:

Now I see alot of people into this and such and you all seem older *not trying to be disrespectful* But I'm 22 and my gf is 20 and we're interested in doing this. We've been togther for 5 years now and we both are very sexual people and we have a strong monogomaus relationship. We're interested in having a 3some with another woman and also with another couple and possibly involved in some of those sex parties. However, we're completely new to this and not sure even where to begin looking up information about this type of thing. We just signed up for some swinging site but havent gone through all of it yet. Honestly, I'm not sure if im completely comfortable with her having sex with another man. On one hand, the thought of it turns me on alot but I'm not sure if I would be able to deal with the jealousness of it but I'm willing to at least try it once and see how it goes. We have only had sex with each other and no one else.

So we're wondering is there a swinging crowd for people our ages? We want to deal with people around our age group 20-25. Also, how did everyone get into the swinging thing? What was the first expirence like for you? And do you have any advice for us since we have no clue...oh and we live in NJ if that helps any lol

My first time swinging was with my current bf 4 yrs ago. It was actually after a good friend's wedding (I was the maid of honor). My bf and I started flirting with another couple, and things progressed from there. We eventually found ourselves at the bride & groom's house. She got involved for a lil while, but her husband asked her to come to bed. My bf and I and the other couple had an awesome time. :thumbsup:

Of course, he & I discussed everything afterwards. There was some jealousy on my part, but we worked through it and discovered that this was something we wanted to continue doing. We're now a host couple for a swing club in Western NY. (If anyone has any questions, PM me. I'd be happy to help in any way I can.)

And yes, a majority of swingers (at least that I've seen) are in their mid 40's-early 50's. Many say that they're just getting to a point in their relationship that they are comfortable enough to even bring up the subject of swinging, much less try it. Another reason is that many are parents and their kids are out of the house or at least old enough to look after themselves for a night.

Danger Will Robenson danger! (hope you weren't to young for that ;) )

Even though you have been together for 5 years, you are just 'grown up'. Jealousy is a lot stronger for most people at your ages, and while an FMF may be fine for you (as almost any man), you need to be in control of your emotions if you are going to let her have sex with another guy. Jealousy is not something you can turn on and off, and it would be a shame to have it hurt your relationship just for a sexual thrill.

Hmmm, that hasn't been our experience out here (San Francisco area) at all. The parties and clubs we attend are full of mid-20s to mid-40s people, and lots and lots of them are regulars.

Wow. I've only heard stories about this. Actually when I first started hearing things it was about the "car keys" thingy. Boy, now I AM tellin' my age and where I live and was raised! LOL!

But, until recently.....I've never really explored it. As someone else mentioned it was only like a fantasy type of thing really. Some folks here might think me a little backroads, but it's just not done that much around here (if any! LOL!) or because it's just a well hidden secret. I don't know.

Personally, I think I could go for it and still be happy. If the boss wanted to, heck......I'm for it. At least try it. **shrugs her shoulders** However, I much doubt the boss will ever even consider it. I've often wondered because of things he as said. Like, "Sometimes I wonder if you will just be satisfied with just me." I personally think we have a great sex life. I mean for folks our age......I think 3 to 4 times a week is pretty darn good! Especially if you ADD over 26 yrs being married with one person. I'm creative, I take the initiative and I ain't goin' without! Heh.

If he would "go for it", I'd be a willing partner. But, as it stands, I don't see it happening.

The first time out was fun, really. We had talked about it, and she was nervous about it, and a little anxious. That is understandable. I was just happy to see what it was like to have sex with another woman. I was 24, my wife was 27. The couple we went to meet was late 40's. Off topic real quick, we have noticed that we are in the young end of things...I don't mind! We talked casual for an hour or so. Then he asked if we wanted to get in the hot tub. He gave the option of swim suits or not. We opted for not. Took about 20 minutes, and his wife and I headed back inside to "cool off," and my wife and he followed close behind.

We talked about it on the ride home that night, and decided to keep at it. We hit a bump in the road about four months later, lasted about six months. We got things all cleared up, and we are back at it having a good ol' fuckin' time!

[ Apache, maybe you and you husband could go to a party and just watch. See how you two feel, and then if you are ready, consider what is called "soft-swap" which is where the only swapping you do is together, in the same room, but only oral is allowed. .
[/QUOTE]

Well a couple that we met through a swinger site and the couple that I have become comfortable enough to be with when and if the time comes has invited us to come to their house to just watch. I could deal with that, and I have decided that I am comfortable with same room oral. Now I just have to get over other issues I'm dealing with. example, being so shy, having low self esteem about my body (even though the other man has seen me on web cam many times and in pictures and is still intrested, lol) The other couple has also suggested that for the first time there is no swapping involved at all, me and my hubby are together and they are, just to get me more comfortable with everything. That might work, but who knows with me. lol

Deltona:

You say you have been doing this most of your life. Yet, you say you have been doing it most of your relationship with your wife. Uh, how was BEFORE your relationship with your wife????? Okay! But, I just got confused with those statements. Please explain. :D

OK. Here it goes, I'll try to keep it short. I am 38, and my wife is 28. We have only been together for 9 years. Off and on we have done things together, but nothing really "mainstream". Before we got together, I was in several relationships that were directly involved in swinging, i.e. hard core, every weekend, etc. Prior to that, and in between relationships, I was a frequent member of a then local swinghouse, where I felt priviledged to be the only single male that not only didn't have to pay a "donation", but was told that any time I wanted to come down, they would bump one of the single males that was on the reservation list, so that I could attend. (there was a limit of only 4 single males allowed in the house, for OBVIOUS reasons)
So for most all of my life I have been involved in the lifestyle for one reason or another. It is just that my wife is a little shy about it, and I love her more than I love the lifestyle, so it has taken a backburner, because even though I loved every second of it, I love my wife more. Let me know if I missed anything, or need to clarify anything else? I hope I gave enough information.

Well :thumbsup:

The rest is details ;)

Well I guess I should have been more specific huh? lol
Glad to see things went well tho!:D

No, that cleared it up pretty much, thank you.

Gosh, you guys must work underground or something or either I'm too far up north and rural. I've never, and I'm older than you! LOL! But, I have never heard of this swinging business or one that is near here.

Oh (grinning at your signature), my mamma and daddy never warned me because I don't think they knew it either! :lol:

The boss talks big about having some "strange" but the man won't even sit long enough to look at porn or care to! But, now I'm getting off track and I don't want to do that.

Thank you for your enlightenment on this topic. But, since I kinda know about it from doing an interview on another couple of swingers, I've really no more questions to ask......................................at the moment. :suave:

Anytime Sugah...anytime. If you don't mind me asking, what part of Florida are you from? We live in Deltona, which is in the middle between Orlando and Daytona Beach, and let me tell you, this area is FULL of swingers. You just gotta know where to look. There is a coutry wide website that helps ALOT, without all the 3rd party advertizing. If anyone is interested, and it is allowed, I will post the link.

BTW Sugah, you say you are much older than me...Age is a number. Even when I was in my late teens(18-20) I enjoyed several encounters with ladies that were in their 50s. I don't base it on age, or looks....Mostly on personality and FUN!

**tongue in cheek**

Well, Deltona.......I'm a little bit north of there. I live north of Gainesville. You know, the Home of the Mighty Gators. :D I know, I know, but college football is my best time of year.

Full of swingers, eh? I guess that is a bigger area.

So, they tell me Deltona. I mean about this "age" thingy. I guess it is me that has a hang up with it.

(I had a long post here and I deleted it---getting off topic and I should save that for another post/thread-----which I am SURE it's been hashed over before here. But, I'm too lazy to try and find it. THAT, and I truly stink at using the "search" option! LOL! )

Okay, so how do you know you find some couples with this..........."personality and fun" stuff? Do you email back and forth----talk on the phone----meet in person, to find out?

So, do you and your wife have a few of these couples you hang out with on a regular basis, or are you always trying to find new blood? Did that sound brash? I didn't mean it to be. I'm only curious.

For the record, and anyone that cares or is curious, I'm ONLY 46. :cool:

Some poly and swing people have a rule that their extra partners cannot be from the same city that they are in and that rule keeps your main primary relationship special. Other people also have rules that you won't use the same labels on all your partners. "Sweetie, honey, weasle, muffinbaby, etc...". Some people even have a rule against having extra partners even in the same state. Rhode Island and Connecticut are small states and to restrict things in a good way, that is the rule people can use. Another swing couple I know have a sci-fi convention rule, where they only swing with other sci-fi friends that they have met and so they only have sex outside their marriage once or twice a year. (^:

Jonathan

I think when you have a bunch of rules, odds are you are not really 'ready' for that kind of activity.

While I can understand people in sensative jobs afraid of being 'outed' and going out of state etc, if you need to do it with total strangers you will never see again for fear of it changing the feelings you have for your spouse, odds are you shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

Agreed. Rules designed to "route around" discomfort do nothing but solidify the discomfort, and so weaken the relationship.

It's like, one day my refrigerator dies. One thing I can do is to deal with that; get it repaired, get it replaced, whatever. The other thing I can do is make a bunch of rules to compensate for my fridge being broken. That is, I can just decide I can't keep cold food in my house anymore. So any cold food has to be eaten immediately. No gallon jugs of milk--only buy one half-pint at a time. Kinda silly, hunh?

In all honesty, I think you are getting the wrong idea about rules and boundaries. They are not made to step around fears or insecurities. They are a baseline to help set an allowable standard. Just like your typical marriage has its "boundaries" in the social aspect, people who "swing" with other couples also set their own limits to what is acceptable. I wouldn't consider it insecurity if two people agree that say, they will only go only as far as soft-swapping with others, because that is their choice.
Its a conscious decision that is made between two couples.

Yeah, I can see that too. But in my experience there's a fine line between a comfort-level rule and an insecurity-coddling rule.

Thank you. My point was summed up right there. In all honesty, in MY experience, I have rarely ran into couples that have set boundaries because of insecurities or concerns. Not that it doesn't happen, I will admit, just that it isn't as common as some people believe. It's all personal preferences for each couple.

Yes and no. Sure some may well be personal preferences but others just scream out insecurity, unwilling partner, etc. In OUR experiance we have seen this time and time again, couples will have a list of rules a mile long, you can touch here but not there and I can do this and she can do this, blah blah, and its almost always an unwilling partner being dragged along or just general insecurity. The swinging community isn't that large and these people rarely stick around long.

Some rules and boundaries are fine, but there are limits. If I get to later, I'll post a good, real example.

Yeah, I'm not saying all rules are bad. But there's a way people sometimes use rules that doesn't lead anywhere productive.

Ah found it...

This was a want to be husband, unwilling wife, who have given up the LS. I wish I had their first list, but this was their last one before quitting, they modified it apparently after each encounter.

The big red flag is the 3/4th swap. Your wife can have sex with my husband but I won't have sex with you, nor will I let you touch me 'down there'. Sure these rules made them 'comfortable' or more precisely made the wife less uncomfortable with meeting couples, but they were still based on issues we would rather not be in the middle of. Drama bombs are bad :)

Ustwo, when exactly did you meet Jack and Jerri Ryan and how long did you know them? :lol:

He made the cardinal mistake of trying to save his marriage by doing something like this.

I am not sure where you get the idea that it isnt that large. I know of atleast a hundred websites in the US alone that have thousands of members. I know a VERY large number of them. Most of course dont want this thing toget out about them, which is understandable, not many couples are as open about it as others. I am not saying that everyone is secure, or that you wont find a large number of couples hopeing that swinging will bring their relationship back together....I have seen it as well. I just am saying that I know of many more couples that suceed, even with limitations put on what can be done. On of my best friends back in Texas that we didn't swing with, but were good friends with, they are a "soft-swap" couple. They have always been that way, and continue to be that way. It is what works for them. They just seek out other couples that are looking for the same thing. No, swinging isn't for everyone, but it does NOT mean that if you are swinging, but put limits on what can and can't be done, that your relationship is in trouble. That is just not true. As I said before...it HAS to be looked at on a couple by couple basis.

I checked about 3 times and my questions weren't answered, but maybe they actually were anyway.

Well, it just seems to me if you were to go with swinging, you would just go all the way. If not, it's like foreplayin' with a virgin that isn't going to give it up.

OK. let me know what I missed in your questions. maybe I wasn't reading them right. I hate leaving people wondering.

As far as how far people go, its a matter of personal preference. "Swinging" as a term used, does not specify that you are swapping full sex partners. It is a "tag" if you will, for people that allow people outside of the relationship to enter into a sexual encounter, without the emotional attachment that is involved in a relationship. some couples like the one that I knew in Texas, were only into soft-swapping, for those that don't understand what soft-swap is, it's where there is no intercourse involved, and typically is considered oral-sex only. This couple had a fetish where the woman was turned on by watching another woman perform on her husband orally, while she did the same to another man. They had no desire to go any furthur, not that it was a "limit" set where they agreed that nothing else was to happen, but simply a desire that went no further.

Think of this example in a BDSM environment:
Couple "A" likes to go all out, they enjoy the control issues, as well as whips, handcuffs, evil-sticks, leather goods, etc.
Couple "B" likes to spank each other, but not wanting to use whips and chains, etc...
This doesn't mean that Couple "B" is having issues with their relationship, and can't go all out, for fear of hurting their S.O. It simply means that that is what the two of them like to do, nothing furthur.

Does that help any?

There are general rules and specific rules.

Soft swap is a general rule, and a common one. Its how most people start and some people are happy just with that for multiple reasons.

Rules about what you and your spouse can do which are in great detail or worse, different for both spouses (and almost always the wife is the one 'limited') are potential drama bombs and should be avoided.

As for the swing community being small, it is small at a local level. Its not like this is a union where having members across the country matter. Even in chicago the number of local swingers is limited. There may be 1000's on the websites but when the posers, fakes, no longer interested, just looking, etc are sifted out you will find the same core group of people. Then add the people you are interested in for whatever reason and its in fact a small group. This is something we have dabbled in for a number of years, and you see the same people.

Oddly the multi-rule people don't seem to last a year, or they really are not interested in swinging. I'd guess about 70% of the adds are posers, people wanting to wing but to afraid to meet, or people whos standards to not match their own looks. This is just an observation of mine and a few of our long term friends.

I guess we will have to agree that we disagree. I have been in the lifestyle for MANY years, and have run into a larger number of swingers I guess than you. I don't see as much of the problems that you have. Maybe it has to do with where I have been living, or something else, but where I have been, the swinging community is actually quite large in number, and have very few short term swingers where the female is the limited one. I actually find that in almost all the couples that we have met that have limitations, it is the MALE who tends to have the greater limits, yet still I see these same couples come back again and again and again to the weekly get-togethers, without incidents.

No, that is a good example Deltona. Not that I know much about BDSM, but I am familiar with this techinque.

It seems that those that stay in the "program", if you will, is because they might be more active or those that are more active in swinging (and are comfortable with it) are going to reap the profits. Maybe there are more couples in Deltona's area that might be more acceptable or comfortable in swinging than in other cities. Who knows? But, it's like politics.......there are always going to be two sides that may disagree.

Not that I know anything, I don't. However, it's probably like any other preferences, no one person can guarentee their opinions are right..... IMO.

By no means should you say you don't know anything. Everyone in this world has the potential to learn new things. I always entertain new ideas and thought processes, even if they don't agree with mine, as in UsTwo. I respect everyones opinion. And yes, you are right, nobody can guarantee their opinions are right, that is why we call them opinions: A person's personal thoughts, not a case in facts. So there really is no "right" or "wrong" when it comes to opinions. As far as our location? I know of about 2 hundered couples in our town alone that are active in the swinging community. Not personally, but by proxy. is that large? maybe not, but this is a bit of a conservative town. Maybe my idea of what a large number of swingers is is different, who knows? I just know that I can find just as many people that are swingers around this area as their are gay and lesbian couples, and I keep hearing how large the gay/lesbian groups are in our community, so i figure the swingers are a large group as well.

It is true that some couples come into our circle so-to-speak looking for a solution to an existing problem, and they will eventually fail. Maybe nottoday, tomorrow, or next week, but yes, they will fail. But I feel like it is being said here that the majority of swingers are like that, and it just ain't so. I would put the percentage at less than 5% in my life experience. Maybe I hang out with a different group of swingers?...lol.

I find that anything that goes against the grain of what some folks perceive as "traditional", you might not have many that will raise their hands and be seen.......so's to speak. :D

Okay, I'm new to the site as of today, and I realize this thread went comatose a few months back, but question for those that have partaken in both the BDSM world [at any level] and the swinging world. Which came first for you?

For us it was the BDSM world. And as we grew into our personas, and the trust level in the relationship grew exponentially, we were able to take the physical nature of our relationship 'outside.' We rarely partook in the BDSM activities outside, but often I would 'push the edge of the envelope' with my sub, and she responded confidently, practically glowing in her new explorations.

Would love to hear your experiences!

wow I completely forgot about this topic. Well my gf and I really want to find another female for a threesome* believe it or not, more so her than me* How in the world did you find another person/couple to get involved at all.

BDSM came first for me, but that may just have been because that's what presented itself first. The same person that introduced me to BDSM took me to my first orgy, so I've been pretty open sexually since I was 16.

BlackIce, there are three sites that I've found (although there are MANY more out there). LoveVooDoo, Playful Swingers, and Swing LifeStyle (or SLS) are good sites. I've met the most people on SLS. When my bf and I were together, we were looking for a single female, and couldn't find one in our area, so when we broke up, I decided to become the single bi-female. Sometimes, you just luck out and find people. I've been with at least 15 couples in the last 3-4 months, and most of those I've been with more than once, just because we have a good time together.

to the original poster, i think i love my girlfriend way too much to want anyone else touching her. :)

Oh Cali.....You shouldn't kiss and tell!...lmfao (you know we love ya!!!)

Hey man, I'm not naming names or anything... ;) *cough* Deltona *cough*

Sounds as though Florida is the place to be!

Anywhere I am is the place to be. ;)

*deflates her head so she can get out the door eventually

Actually, you'd be surprised as to what you find when you look around for a specific thing... I was under the impression that Florida was VERY conservative compared to what I'm used to in NorCal, but now I've come to realize that it's simply more conservative. :p

No, really, just look around on the sites mentioned in this thread, if you're interested in this... there are swingers everywhere. :D

It's true. Although where I live the 'alt' community is so small that swingers and BDSM almost completely overlap, they're there. This is in a very conservative area too.

And that's been our experience as well. Was surprised to find quite a bit of varied activity here in the midwest. Chalk it up to the true human nature!

It's funny what you find when you actually DO start consciously looking for things. Many areas of Florida are ABUNDANT with swingers of all types. Just depends on what kinda person you want to trip your trigger **cough**cali**cough.... If there is anyone that lives in Florida and would like more information on finding places to look, I will volunteer to help...as I am sure Cali has an abundance of information as well....

I drove by the local swing club about 20 times before someone told me what it was. It looks just like a mansion with no gates. They actually have weddings there and I am sure thousands of out of town wedding attendees never knew they were at a swing club since there are no signs saying that it is.

The first time that my wife went to the swing club with her boyfriend, she only had sex with her boyfriend and only traded massage with other people. I trust her completely. Well, that's obvious. *smile*

As for the ages at swing clubs, I guess you would have to email the owners and ask each one. They probably vary city by city.

Jonathan

We have many times and really enjoy it
 

We have with singles and couples and we both enjoy watching the other have a good time.

We wouldn't recomment Lifestyle Lounge though or the swingersboard....

swingersboard is nothing more than a spam portal for swinglifestyle and both lifestyle loung and swinglifestyle do nothing but suck money from you....:grumpy:

We belong to a smaller group....site is not as fancy but free oh and a cool thing is anyone can sign up for a Sex Toy Tester....well anyone over 21 :thumbsup:

Details? Share, share! :D

Cali, considering the number of toys you HAVE, I don't know if you need any more to add to your collection. Or am I going to have to buy you a footlocker for X-mas this year?

Are you kidding? You can NEVER have too many toys!:rolleyes:

I think we are similar to the two of you except we still swing but no where near as often with the children in our life....However, we will go out and get a baby sitter and go to a club now and then just for a little adult fun....It has been wonderful for out relationship we both enjoy seeing the other being pleasured and even gets us MORE excited when we are home making love because we get expand our fantasies with some realities....makes it very hot and sexy.
:thumbsup:
We totally agree there.....LOL

I met this married couple at work and he wants me to do his wife and watch us....umm I wasnt really down with it but hes begging me to fuck his wife..

Well not everyone can feel compfortable participating in that situation. I would say if you are uncomfortable with it, then don't get involved, but let him know that you just don't feel comfortable.

I'm actually quite curious about swinging. I really want to try it out, but at the same time, I fear getting too jealous. But that's what friends are for!!!

In theory, the idea is great. Both partners get to have some satisfaction outside the norm - however in fact it's a little different. Lots of jealousy, lots of problems stemming from it.

If you're both open-minded, go for it.

I have to respectfully disagree with you there. it is not ALWAYS stemmed with lots of jealousy or problems. Actually in the regular lifestyle, the minority have jealousy issues come up. The key is communication. If either of the parties is uncomfortable with it, then you just don't do it at all. The biggest thing, as I have mentioned before, is that you must communicate, and be able to separate sex, from making love. If you can do that, then you are over the first hurdle in considering the lifestyle.

Marshie, do you mind if I ask what concerns you two are having when discussing it? What jealousy are you concerned about? I would love to be able to help.

Well, seeing as I am in a serious relationship now, I couldn't see wanting to do any swinging or sharing my man in any way. I am very greedy when it comes to my man lol and I get jealous easy when it comes to women. *shrugs* But, when I was single I had a guy that I thought about being in a swinger relationship. Also known as an open relationship. But, I didn't care for him in the love way, so it wouldn't have bothered me to share him. But the man I am with now is a different story. I <3 him like crazy lol. *shrugs*

Agreed. I'd consider myself poly rather than a swinger (nothing wrong with the swing lifestyle, and I've occasionally done activities which could be considered swinging, but I find I tend to prefer to have more emotionally meaningful relationships rather than just sex) but I think the key in either of the two lifestyles is communication and perhaps also a commitment to self-examination of one's feelings.

I can't speak for the general attitude in the swinger lifestyle, but I know one of the things I've observed in the poly lifestyle is that the attitude toward jealousy seems to be different than that of the general population... In the general population, it seems like jealousy is a negative emotion that needs to be avoided at all costs and is always unhealthy... wheras poly folk tend to see jealousy as something unpleasant, but natural and something that needs to be investigated, the cause found and dealt with so it can be resolved.