What God said about Al Franken's "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them"

[alkaloid]

Excerpt from the book. I found it quite amusing.

INTRODUCTION
GOD CHOSE ME to write this book.

Just the fact that you are reading this is proof not just of God's existence, but also of His/Her/Its beneficence. That's right. I am not certain of God's precise gender. But I am certain that He/She/It chose me to write this book.

This isn't hubris. I'm not saying this in an egotistical way. God didn't choose me because I'm the greatest writer who ever lived. That was William Shakespeare, whose work I have a passing familiarity with. No. I just happened to be the right vessel at the right time. If something in this book makes you laugh, it was God's joke. If something makes you think, it's because God had a good point to make.

The reason I know God chose me is because God spoke to me personally.

God began our conversation by clearing something up. Some of George W. Bush's friends say that Bush believes God called him to be president during these times of trial. But God told me that He/She/It had actually chosen Al Gore by making sure that Gore won the popular vote and, God thought, the electoral college. "THAT WORKED FOR EVERYONE ELSE," God said.

"What about Tilden?" I asked, referring to the 1876 debacle.

"QUIET!" God snapped. God was angry.


God said that after 9/11, George W. Bush squandered a unique moment of national unity. That instead of rallying the country around a program of mutual purpose and sacrifice, Bush cynically used the tragedy to solidify his political power and pursue an agenda that panders to his base and serves the interests of his corporate backers.


God told me that Bush squandered a $4.6 trillion surplus and is plunging us into deficits as far as God can see. And that Bush squandered another surplus. The surplus of goodwill from the rest of the world that he had inherited from Bill Clinton.

And this was pissing God off.

He/She/It was right. But it sounded like a lot of work.

"Look, God, I'm flattered, but I think you got the wrong guy. The kind of book you're talking about would require months of research."

And God said, "LET THERE BE GOOGLE. AND LET THERE BE LEXISNEXIS."

"Very funny, God. I use Google all the time."

"YES, I KNOW," God said. "FOR HOT ASIAN TEENS."

"You must be thinking of my son, Joe."

"AL? I'M OMNISCIENT."

"Okay, okay." I changed the subject. "It's just that I can't do this book myself."

"LEAVE THAT TO ME," God boomed.

And that's when Harvard called.

Harvard's Kennedy School of Government asked me to serve as a fellow at its Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics, and Public Policy. After my varied and celebrated career in television, movies, publishing, and the lucrative world of corporate speaking, being a fellow at Harvard seemed, frankly, like a step down.

I couldn't think of anything less appealing than molding the minds of tomorrow's leaders, unless it was spending fireside evenings sipping sherry with great minds at the Faculty Club. Yawn.

To my surprise and delight, though, all Harvard wanted me to do was show up every once in a while and write something about something. That gave me an idea.

"Would it be okay if I wrote a scathingly partisan attack on the rightwing media and the Bush administration?"

"No problem," Harvard said absentmindedly.

"Count me in," I replied. "From now on call me 'Professor Franken.'"

"No," Harvard said, "you're not a professor. But you can run a study group on the topic of your choosing."

"Great," I said. "I've got the perfect topic: Write My Son's Harvard College Application Essay."

"No," they said. "Harvard students already know how to write successful Harvard applications, Al. We want you to teach them something new."

Harvard was right where I wanted it. "How about if the topic is: How to Research My Book?"

"Sure," Harvard said. "Most of our professors teach that course. Why, in the Biochemistry department, most of the graduate level courses are-"

Harvard was boring me. "I gotta run, Harvard. Thanks."

I had my Nexis, I had my Google, I had my Harvard fellowship, and I had my fourteen research assistants. I sat down to write. Nothing.

So I got on my knees and prayed for guidance. "How, God, can I best do Your work through this book? Who, dear Lord, is the audience for a book like this? And what's a good title?"

God answered, "YOU KNOW THOSE SHITTY BOOKS BY ANN COULTER AND BERNIE GOLDBERG?"

"The best-sellers that claim there's a liberal bias in the media?" I asked.

"TOTAL BULLSHIT," God said. "START BY ATTACKING THEM. HE'S CLEARLY A DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE, AND SHE JUST LIES. BY THE WAY, THERE'S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH HER."

"That's pretty obvious."

"SO GO AFTER THEM, THE WHOLE LIBERAL BIAS MYTH, AND THEN GO AFTER THE RIGHT-WING MEDIA. ESPECIALLY FOX."

"Okay, God, I'm writing this down."

"THEN USE THEM AS A JUMPING-OFF POINT TO GO AFTER BUSH. YOU KNOW, BIG TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH, SURGING UNEMPLOYMENT, IGNORING EVERYONE BUT HIS CORPORATE BUDDIES, SCREWING THE ENVIRONMENT, PISSING OFF THE REST OF THE WORLD. THAT STUFF. AND THAT'S YOUR BOOK."

"Got it. One last thing. Title."

"HOW ABOUT BEARERS OF FALSE WITNESS AND THE FALSE WITNESS THAT THEY BEAR?"

"Hmm. I, uh, I'll work with that."

[mml]

Franken just kills me. I heard him the other day on NPR and he was cracking me up. I love the fact that he can entertain while still making a serious point.

[Nizzle]

His interview on Fresh Air ws great. Way to make O'Reilly look like even more of an idiot... if that's even possible.

[The_Dude]

i actually read the entire article and it's HILARIOUS.

[Darkblack]

hehe you guys listen to Fresh Air. I can't go a day without it!

I am in the middle of this book and it is great. I can't wait to see the other sides reply.

[Fallon]

Well damn, I might have to go out and by a political book now...

[chavos]

i have to get my copy now...it will go right next to "Shrub" and "Stupid White Men" on my bookshelf...i just have such a soft spot for well written partisan leftyism...

[HarmlessRabbit]

I'm reading the book now, only $16 at CostCo. It's hilarious, very well researched, and much tighter writing that "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot."

Well worth picking up.

[eris]

I had it in my hand to buy 2 days ago - decided to wait another week until I dig in.

It looks great! And timely...

[Macheath]

AND SHE JUST LIES. BY THE WAY, THERE'S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH HER.

[boatin]

Cracks me up that everyone on this post likes the book. A one sided posting on the Politics Forum?

Unprecedented!

I'm sure we can all think of reasons for this...

[SkanK0r]

I don't usually like this style, but I managed to read this book in ONE DAY. I got it at 10AM and was done by bedtime. It's that good. It's seriously hilarious how deftly he points out completely obvious lies that the likes of Coulter, Hannity, etc. spew forth.

[JcL]

Fraken hosted CNN's Crossfire a week or so ago. He was quite hillarious yet still got his points across. It was somewhat silly with him on - but only because of the reaction he got from the conservative guests.

[Thraeryn]

I think that, aside from his obvious humor, Franken's greatest strength is his willingness to back up points with examples.

Saw him on Letterman the other night, and Jinya and I couldn't stop laughing.

[cynic]

I am starting to really like this board.

[Skettios]

OH MY GOD!!!

There are liberals here???
(wipes tears from eyes)

I've been avoiding this 'Politics' board since it's inception after thrashing out serious arguments with several conservative members of the board!

I too finished this book the same day I purchased it. I especially love that it rips into Hannity and Coulter every chance that it gets.

Thank you Franken, and thank you new friends!

"Ann Coulter? We have a pool around the office as to exactly what's wrong with her"

[SkanK0r]

I laughed so hard when I saw the titles for chapters 2 and 3 - "Ann COulter: Nutcase," and "You Know Who I Don't Like? Ann Coulter" It was just hilarious that you read a whole chapter on her, he finishes up, and then says "I'm sorry to do this to you. But I've just left so much good stuff out of the previous chapter." Classic.

She IS a stupid, lying bitch. That Lexis Nexis search thing? Hahaha, classic.

[josobot]

Groucho Marx said it best as Samovar, the lawyer...Are you going to believe your own eyes, or you going to believe me. Some arrogant, self-appointed, chosen-elite members--as Al Franken, I suspect---always, know more than you. I was talking to a co-worker who had witnessed an aircraft incident from notmore than 100 yards away. The arrogant man, present only at the conversation, had to have the last word on the incident...he had hear about it on the radio and had read the newpaper and, as an arrogant man, his information was above that of the eye witness. We have had arrogant men throughtout history...telling us what God thinks and who he likes..writing history as propaganda for their own ends, and covering the news like Pravada, being most dishonest by omission...when the sheep no longer believe, and believe only in themselves, the liberal ruse will collapse as did the Soviet Union.

[rogue49]

umm...josobot?
if you are call Al Franken an arrogant, self-appointed, chosen-elite member?

Then what are Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Coulter, Hannity, etc?

I think you need to get off your pedistal.
Each side has their out-spoken people
Why should anything be different?

When we all know, everyone is a loud-mouth idiot jerk when they don't agree with your thoughts.
It's called dismissing your opponents arguements, and making them less credible.

Thank for the spin, now how about backing your words up with something else than rhetoric.

GDI speaking here. (God-Damned Independent who thinks for himself)

[JcL]

Coulter and Hannity are great.

For comedic purposes.

Actually, sometimes they just plain annoy the fuck outta me. Its a 50/50 thing I suppose, either Im laughing my ass off at whatever they're spouting (ESPECIALLY coulter) or I change the channel in disgust. I guess it just depends on whatever mood im in.

OReilly I can tolerate. Hes clearly outspoken but hes not exactly a 1 dimensional rhetoric machine - he has a lot more 'flair' than that. I think thats the word... Hes an entertainer.

[Sparhawk]

Franken's great, watched him on the Daily Show the other day, what a funny, but more importantly, Right man.

Oh yeah, and I still want to screw Ann Coulter in a very uncomfortable place.

[SkanK0r]

I've got a very uncomfortable place for her... a f'kin bodybag.

[sealsrule]

Franken is a washed up has-been who was never really all that funny to begin with.

I watched him on crossfire last night. Basically, the only point he made the whole time was "those guys in Washington are a bunch of ass-holes". Everyone in the audience whooped and hollered, as though he had just made a very strong argument for...something.

I couldn't make my point without insulting other members of TFP, so redravin had to edit me.

You liberals are sheep. You don't care about actual input, you just want to be herded the direction you're already going, nice and comfortable like, with as little thought provoking discourse as possible. Proof: That you would read that man's writing and like it.

[HarmlessRabbit]

You liberals are sheep. You don't care about actual input, you just want to be herded the direction you're already going, nice and comfortable like, with as little thought provoking discourse as possible. Proof: That you would read that man's writing and like it.

Quiz: What does "dittohead" mean?

[Nizzle]

I'm halfway through the book. It's downright hilarious.

[Kadath]

I read the book in one day as well. One of my favorite bits was when he challenged Rich Lowry to a fistfight. I am also looking forward to his next book I Fucking Hate Those Right-Wing Motherfuckers.
sealsrule: genius.

[pocon1]

I found his book entertaining, and i thought his main points about a lazy general media and a strong right media were right on. He backs his information accurately and makes strong points. I listen to Bill O'Reilly and he is a boor.

[SkanK0r]

I'm glad to see Franken anjoy some real success with this book. Ironic that he owes much of it to the free publicity Fox News gave him.

[Ace_of_Lobster]

I am enjoying this book. If i dont laugh at the right sometimes, it gets very depressing!

[boatin]

Originally posted by sealsrule
Franken is a washed up has-been who was never really all that funny to begin with.

Any good political conversation starts with someone throwing out an opinion as though it's fact. Thanks for starting that way here.

I watched him on crossfire last night. Basically, the only point he made the whole time was "those guys in Washington are a bunch of ass-holes". Everyone in the audience whooped and hollered, as though he had just made a very strong argument for...something.

Another thing we need in the politics forum is to ignore what everyone else wrote. The point that has been made that Franken matches up the right wings team of Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Coulter, Hannity. Clearly not relevant. Thanks for clearing that up.

I couldn't make my point without insulting other members of TFP, so redravin had to edit me.

The other thing that political conversation needs is insults. Thanks for trying. Darn that RedRavin.

You liberals are sheep. You don't care about actual input, you just want to be herded the direction you're already going, nice and comfortable like, with as little thought provoking discourse as possible.

Haven't seen anyone say that the road doesn't go both ways. Until you did. Glad to see that Liberals are the problem. Now I've got it clear. Thanks.

Proof: That you would read that man's writing and like it.

And the best way to end a conversation is to lay down the law. Nicely argued, man. Thanks.

[SkanK0r]

Hahaha, highfive, dude.

[nofnway]

God just chose me to write this post

bitterman, bitterman, bitterman.

Tell them

I still have not read one good reason to buy this book. Maybe I'll check it out at the library or read it in one day at Tower.

I read Shrub on a plane trip last month....bitterwoman.
Michael Moore...pffft what cred does he have left?

Ann Coulter??? She's got the same strain of rabes that James Carvell (spelling) has...loosen up.


God just told to me to hang a chad but if I get one pregnant I'm going straight to hell

[Conclamo Ludus]

Hate from the left or hate from the right, its always hate, whether it wears the new/commentator hat or the comedian hat. The comedian hat is nice though because when challenged you can always say you were just joking. Its brilliant, O'Reilly, Coulter, Limbaugh, could really take a lesson out of Franken's playbook.

[SkanK0r]

"Hate?" That's an awfully broad brush, isn't it? I debate plenty of people, but I rarely "hate" those people.

And I'll wager you haven't read the book, have you, Conclamo? I say this because you really can't criticize an authors style when you don't actually witness it.

The instances where he's joking would be obvious to even the biggest imbecile. But of course, it you were an imbecile, you wouldn't be reading Franken's book - you'd still be sounding out the first chapter of Ann Coulter's book.

I'm just kidding, of course. But I'm kidding on the square.

[Conclamo Ludus]

Originally posted by SkanK0r
"Hate?" That's an awfully broad brush, isn't it? I debate plenty of people, but I rarely "hate" those people.

And I'll wager you haven't read the book, have you, Conclamo? I say this because you really can't criticize an authors style when you don't actually witness it.

The instances where he's joking would be obvious to even the biggest imbecile. But of course, it you were an imbecile, you wouldn't be reading Franken's book - you'd still be sounding out the first chapter of Ann Coulter's book.

I'm just kidding, of course. But I'm kidding on the square.

No I haven't read the book. I've read Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a decent writer. I disagree with a lot of what he says, about as much as Ann Coulter and O'Reilly. From what I see he just dresses up his hatred of the right with comedy. Sometimes its good comedy, but you can still see his emotions. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Erasmus was doing the same thing long long long ago, as was Jonathan Swift. I have an appreciation for it, but you can still feel the underlying hatred that these writers feel for the ones that they are criticizing. Just as much as Coulter's spiteful diatribes. I think satire is one of the highest forms of literature, but lets not confuse it with debate. He's not offering this up for debate any more than Coulter or O'Reilly or Limbaugh. I tried to sound out the first chapter of Ann Coulter's book, but I couldn't figure out how to pronounce all of the big words. Big words like "Wah, wah, wah, liberals suck, wah wah wah". It was almost as hard as sounding out "wah wah wah, the right sucks, ha ha ha I'm joking, wah wah wah Bush sucks, hardy har har, wah from Franken. It wasn't as tough as Michael Moore though. And in the interest of full disclosure, I am an imbecile...make no mistake

[SkanK0r]

Fair enough! I just wanted to clarify that he never confuses when he's kidding and when he's not. It's very obvious. So he doesn't ever "say he was just joking" except when it's very obvious he was. You're right - the cop out is there, but I don't recall any time in the book when he'd need to use it.

[Conclamo Ludus]

Originally posted by SkanK0r
Fair enough! I just wanted to clarify that he never confuses when he's kidding and when he's not. It's very obvious. So he doesn't ever "say he was just joking" except when it's very obvious he was. You're right - the cop out is there, but I don't recall any time in the book when he'd need to use it.

That's exactly it. He doesn't need to say he's joking because he's a comedian. Its really the way to go, if you ask me. If O'Reilly claimed to be a comedian, which most people who've seen him on tv would claim, than he'd get a lot more respect. I really hate to put them all together like that. O'Reilly isn't nearly as vengeful as Coulter. O'Reilly will occasionally give the right some heat at times. But Fair & Balanced is really pushing it when your biggest skill of debate is "Nah, your crazy Mr. so-and-so. Nobody's buying it...blah blah blah...that's stupid..."

Limbaugh would be a better match for Coulter, to quote Office Space "Their kids would have hooves!"

[SkanK0r]

Again, we agree. You characterized them very well. My contempt for O'Reilly stems directly from his hypocrisy. Coulter KNOWS she's an idelogue - although her rhetoric may be 100x more venomous and reactionary, you gotta give her credit - she doesn't deny what she is. I'd rather deal with someone who is stupid enough to lie 100% of the time than one who finds clever ways to disguise their bullshit and call it "fair and balanced."

[pancakerabbit]

Oh man, I love his style. Can't wait to read this book

[Sparhawk]

Originally posted by Conclamo Ludus
... But Fair & Balanced is really pushing it when your biggest skill of debate is "Nah, your crazy Mr. so-and-so. Nobody's buying it...blah blah blah...that's stupid..." ...

If you'd actually read the book instead of instantly writing (righting) it off, you'd realize he nails coulter, o'reilly, hannity, etc with their lies.

I personally can't stand dishonesty, on both a personal and professional level, so I'm very appreciative of 'whistleblowers' like Franken who call people on their bullshit. And if he makes me laugh while he's at it, more props to him.