smarm

I have two young girls (Kindergarten and preschool age) and my oldest just had a personal experience losing someone she knew. A teacher at her school died in a car wreck. The school had a prayer service and shutdown for the rest of the day (it is a religious school.) Her mother and I spent the rest of the day answering her questions about what it meant to die.

We have had other friends who have had much worse experiences, a brother or a sister lost for example. We have been extremely luck to have been "untouched" by that kind of loss.

I am curious, how do others answer young childrens' questions about death?

tecoyah

Once they can understand, the truth. As much of it as they can take.

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raeanna74

I would be careful to tell them that someone has gone to sleep and won't wake up. Or that they have just gone away. They could potentially become afraid of going to sleep themselves or of you going to sleep or going away somewhere. Afraid you won't come back or wake up.

My daughter is only 3 1/2 but the issue has come up. We found a dead bird and she saw the deer my Dad got last winter. I just simply told her that it was dead and that it was sad. I also said something positive like, It has beautiful fur, or the feathers are pretty blue, etc. Also I made no bones about the fact that we were using the meat from the deer. I don't think she quite understood about it but at least she won't grow up with any misconceptions, thinking that meat comes from the grocery. Don't make a big deal, keep it simple and answer only their questions, and be completely honest. If you wait for them to ask you the questions you will be more aware of where their thoughts are going and what connections they are making.

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Spanky Johnson

Wow, wish I had a good answer. My four year old gets really upset whenever anyone talks about death or dying (and she's never known anyone who died). She starts saying "Daddy, I don't want to die. I'm not going to die, right?" and I never know what to say to her. Usually I tell her that's not something she has to worry about, but that's rarely good enough to calm her down. I think my six year old understands death though, and has never had the same reaction at any age.

sexymama

I think pets are good for helping children learn about the life cycle. I also agree that it is best to be honest and matter-of-fact. When my daughter (one in particular) starts to fear death, I assure her that, although there are no guarentees, she is here and I'm here today and that we can be happy for that; and that "God" doesn't usually take mommies from their children before they are capable of dealing with it. (I do get scared that if something happens she'll be angry with God, but I'm not sure what else to say to address her fear. Like you, Spanky, it is difficult. However, do know that it is a 6-year-old stage and she should outgrow it.)

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smarm

My six year old seems to have taken this in stride, i.e. not really internalized it. I think there will be more to it when she gets back to school and there are counselors and memorials that she'll have to go to.

Neither she nor her sister seem to talk about "fearing" death, they have just wanted to try to understand it. We have always tried to answer the questions honestly, but the answers frequently lead to "bigger" questions that don't really have answers. She is learning now that some questions are just mysteries.

I guess we'll just see how this thing goes.

-smarm

Charlatan

It is important to be as honest as possible with children. I feel they need to know what death is when the questions first start.

They need to know that it is just a part of life.

That said...

When my father committed suicide a few years back my son was about three or four at the time. While I told him that he had died I did not tell him that it was suicide. I thought that might be a little deep for him at the time.

He is nine now and if he were to ask me today how his grandfather died I am prepared to tell him just what happened.

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asshopo

My mom passed away this past July. My wife and I had to explain to my oldest child, then 3 1/2, that sometimes (in my mom's case anyways) some people get very very sick and that somtimes, you get so sick the doctors can't help anymore and in grandmas case, they did all they could, but couldn't make her well again. We definatly didn't do the "went to sleep" trick, that would have frightened her for years.

It was quite possibly one of the hardest things I've/we've ever had to do, and I'm sure it could have gone better, but ya.. its hard. I think kids should have knowledge of death, as it is a natural process, but you have to be very gentle about it. We told her (even know I am not religous in any way, shape or form) that grandma is up in heaven and looks over us to make sure we are ok.

It took alot of question asking after that, but she understands. I'm really not looking forward to having to do this with my youngest or my "bun in the oven", but again, its part of life.

Sorry for the short rambling, but it's my $0.02.

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Patterns have a habit of repeating themselves.

Luki

When my grandfather died in 1998 my family tried to explain death to my young cousin(about 3). She didn't seem to uderstand and from that time forward she told everyone that her Papa went away. A year later another of my cousons, the same age as her(as well as her best friend) was killed in a car accident. When they tried to explain to her that he was going to Heavan with Grandpa she morned the loss of two people she loved.

My point is, children should understand the truth, but if they are not ready to understand, they won't. Try to explain it to them, use your faith as a helping step. Tell them what you believe happens after one dies.

I know it's not alot of help, but that's all I have.

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