lktknow

This subject has most likely been discussed before, but I would like some of your opinions about taking children to funerals.
My daughters father-in-law recently died at the age of 74, and my daughter took my grandson, age 6, to his funeral. My grandson and his grandpa were very close, with the grandpa baby-sitting him almost daily,(on weekdays) from the time he was 2 years old.

my daughter told me my grandson kept falling on his knees, and sobbing at the funeral. She said he was inconsolable, and did not want to leave his grandpas' casket. I live in a different state and did not attend the funeral.
It upset me terrible, that I feel they subjected my grandson to this funeral, when I believe they should have let my grandson remember his grandpa in a better way, than in a casket, being lowered into the ground.
I still to this day remember my grandpas funeral, and certainly not in a good way. My father and I were walking by the open casket, I was 6, and my father lifted me up and was holding me over the casket telling me to kiss grandpa goodbye cause I would not see him again. Needless to say, I went rigid as a board and started screaming my head off, and had to be removed from the room.
I think my main question is about children at funerals, but I have some things to say about funerals in general.


My whole views on funerals is a bit tarnished any way. I believe they are just another money making scheme, at the expense of the loved ones, wanting , or being made to feel they are doing it the right way.
I remember when my sister died, and my brother-in-law and myself were picking out her casket, and the gentleman at the funeral home asked my brother-in-law, if he didn't think she would be more comfortable in this other casket, than the one we were looking at, which just happened to cost twice as much.
Just the way he said it, "comfortable"...please?! In my opinion, when a person dies, their soul or spirit or whatever leaves their body simultaneously, and they are no more in that casket or grave than anywhere. But, that is only my opinion.
Thank you in advance for yours.

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highthief

I think every kid will handle it differently and the parents would be the best judges of if it is or is not appropriate.

My daughter is 4 and - while I hope this event is many, many years away - if one of her grandmothers died, all things being equal, I'd bring her to the funeral.

Death is a part of life.

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Si vis pacem parabellum.

spindles

I had a cousin of mine die quite recently and took my 3 yo son to the funeral. We sat right up the back and actually spent more time outside than in the church. Why did I take him? Well, my parents were quite close to this cousin and his family (though I hardly knew him), and I knew my parents would be comforted by having my son there. He really wasn't too aware of what was going on and was happy to spend a day with me and his grandparents. I think your situation is fairly difficult as your grandson was obviously quite close to the deceased.

Funeral directors - yep they can be quite predatory, but you have to remember that it is a business for them and their biggest margin items are coffins and what-not. My wife used to work for one so I've seen it from the inside.

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snowy

Humans desire closure, and this is why we have funerals. Many children do not understand precisely what death means. Funerals can often enlighten them as to what it means. It sounds harsh, but it's really a necessary thing for a child to figure out. Children are not any different than adults in their desire for closure in a situation, and to not take a child to a funeral for a close relative would probably do more harm than good. Learning about death is not a bad thing. It is crucial that young children know what it is and know that their relatives are not coming back.

I would say that she did the right thing in taking him to the funeral, but of course a funeral must be given some framework first, and some explanation. The child must have an adult that they can ask questions of in this situation, and I hope she provided that for him.

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Plan9

I concur. Kids need to see that kinda stuff. They need to know that their puppy was hit by a car and that their goldfish died and gets an American-Standard funeral.

Although it throws a few mental scars on the kid's face early in life... they're emotional reminders that often serve to aid the individual in making better life choices.

We value what we have so much more we have seen it taken away from others.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

little_tippler

I think it's ok to take a child to a funeral, if they have been previously talked to, and they are "ready" for the experience. To me it sounds like your grandchild was not ready for this, and perhaps it did do more harm than good. I would be hesitant to let a child go right up to the deceased's body/face in the casket and actually go through the traumatic realization that the person they once knew and loved is now an unresponsive shell. In Portugal a small veil is placed over the face and only those who wish to see the deceased's face will lift it to kiss them goodbye or take one last look.

I do agree children should realize death is a part of life and learn to come to terms with it. I know that if there had been a funeral of someone close to me as a child, I would have wanted to be there. I understood death from a young age. To me, it's important to go, to have closure. It's the last chance to "see" them, so to speak. I will never be in their "presence" again. It consoles me to kiss them goodbye one last time, though it is hard also.

But, each child is different. I think this is a case-by-case situation.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Daniel_

When I die they can do what they want with my meat case, but I hope they explain it well to those who might mss me and fail to understand that I've gone and ceased to be.

I hope to be burried at sea - prmarily to confound those who want to dance on my grave, but I want it done by gigantic trebuchet so nobody has to isk seasickness by going on a boat.

Anyway, I'm with Woody Allen - I intend to live forever or die in the attempt. So far, so good.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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spindles

OT: Somehow this sounds like a Monty Python sketch to me

/threadjack

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highthief

OK if I piss in the Channel instead?

__________________
Si vis pacem parabellum.