amonkie

There's still some people hangin in there... Way to go!




Your Challenge for the week: Use any form of writing you choose to share about something you have lost in your life.




Hope the Muses inspire... if not... it's good brain work!

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

ngdawg

The time had come, the decision made. Taking off early from work, I made the thirty minute drive to the 'barn', a large building set on the highway. Walking inside, a cacaphony of wails, barks and the scraping of feet against sawdust greeted me. Short walls of wood, divided into cubes filled the front room. I started on the right, looking down upon the residents. "Pick me! Pick me!" their noise and their jumping bodies seemed to say. But I continued to look, feeling rather bad that I was rejecting so many cute faces.
Second to last cube now. Three coonhounds and a little white.....thing. They all did the same dance as the others. But, this white one. More tenacious than the ones she shared this bed with, though they were twice her size. I looked at her. "This one", I informed the girl at the counter, and she took her out, motioned me to a back room with a sofa and followed, white thing in hand. I kneeled on the floor, my white dress in a circle about me and a head lain on my thigh, a sigh eminating from inside the fuffy white fur. Connection made.
Once home the work began, choosing her name being the first order of the day. Angie. It fit. A handful of work she was at that. Three months old, never been out of that cube, she needed to start at the beginning. Gating her was a lost cause-she cried and cried until I finally gave in, brought her to the bedroom and placed her on the floor near me. Contentment reached.
I could go on about her life in this house. She was fun to teach things to-a real sucker for a treat, she picked up tricks easily. Rang bells hung by the cellar door to tell us she needed to go out and if we didn't meet her needs, she rang them harder until we did. She had her own toys and I taught her not the names, but the colors, just to freak visitors out. "Get the green one, Angie". She high-fived, she danced, she hit the floor on the word BANG.
Age has a way of sneaking up on all living things and soon the toys were thrown away, the dancing had to stop. She took longer to come to bed until the time came when she had to be carried up the stairs. She slept more barked less, her hearing was going. One night, entering the diningroom, I found her, near a wall, her back arched, head tilted oddly, defecation beginning. As if seeing a ghost, I called out to my husband. We knew then the end was near. She had had a stroke.
The decision made was the single worst thing I have ever done and I am crying as I recall it. This last ride, she didn't do her usual whine(she hated the car). Did she know? The vet tried to talk me out of it, but it had to be done. She couldn't walk, couldn't hear, couldn't control her functions and hadn't barked since I found her in the diningroom 4 days ago. I said I'd stay with her, but once things were prepared, I couldn't. I handed her to the doctor with a panicked "take her" and ran out. I stood outside the building, weeping uncontrollably and begging her spirit to forgive me.
My name, my work, my basic philosophies, all are based on the short life of a creature whose only goals in life were to bring joy, protect the ones she loved and never judge.
Angie. Perfection.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Seeker

We were friends, he and I
Our days spent, side by side
A childhood like no other
He was my younger brother

Though as time passed
He became more harassed
Locked away in anger
I now saw a stranger

One late September day
He chose a place far away
I am not sad, for you see
He was never meant to be

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

maleficent

A part of my soul...

In the year 1969, I entered the doors of Mrs Stanson's kindergarden class, 4 years old and trying to be brave, but the shyness that I have to this day, was much more pronounced then. I got thru the first day without talking to a soul, the second day, a boy in a Winnie the Pooh polo shirt (it was way cooler than it sounds now) became my cubby buddy, ya know that person you have to share your cubby hole with. His name was Tommy. Tommy and I got thru Mrs S's class sharing crayons, learning to tie our shoes and sing the alphabet (I already knew how to do that though, so I helped him).

Thru the next 8 years, as we went from Sister Mary Richard's class, to Sister Aggie's class, thru Mrs' Tee's class, thru all the grades of that school, we stayed friends. There were other minor friends during this time, but Tommy was the one I could have lunch with, or go to recess with if no one else was around.

In high school, we went to different schools, he went to the boys parochial school 3 towns away, I went to the girls school,4 towns away, this was before the days of cheapie phone service, cell phones, and email, but yet we managed to keep in touch, and stay friends.

After my first year of high school, my dad changed jobs and we up and moved from NJ, to Connecticut, not all that far away, but without email/cheap long distance, etc... Tommy and I tried to stay in touch, but lost contact after about 2 years. Onward to college, my second day at the first college I attended (it took me two days to realize this school was a huge mistake for me) I heard a very familiar voice while at a party. I turned around and was speechless. Tom was back in my life. Tom made that first semester bearable, but we both realized that we had made a mistake in the choice if institutions and we transferring, so as fast as he came back into my life, after the semester finished, he headed to maryland, I headed to Massachussets.

Thru letters, we kept in touch as best as possible... Summer and school vacations had us trying to get internships in the same locations, trying to spend time with a friend. But it didn't always happen, some time during those years we lost touch again, but he was never out of my heart, after college, in the real working world, I was in my first few weeks of a new job, and walked into a meeting, and there he was again... We both worked for the same company for over a year, and never lost touch again... Our friendship managed to hold on for a good 10 more years.

in those 10 years, he was the friend to me unlike a friend I've never had, I'm not a talker, it's not easy to get to know me, it's not easy to get me to open up, Tom knew all my secrets, he was and is the only person in my life who I trusted without any hesitation at all. It was a two way street as well, I had all his stories, and was there for him during the good times, and especially the bad times. There were late night phone calls, hours spent over bottles of wine just talking.

During one traumatic incident in my life, he was the one person I knew I could call, and I didn't expect anything, he was on a plane and at my side within a few hours, because, as he put it, that's what friends do. The favor was returned a few years later, and I realized that he was right, that is what friends do, your friends don't let you be alone.

He also taught me something else, from the first day of kindergarden, to later in life --we were opposites, I was the shy person who hung out in the corners, he was the outgoing life of the party. He helped me to come out of my shell a bit in high school and college and get involved in athletics, I never liked the spotlight, but I didn't run from it. Tom accepted me for who I was, and never ever cared that I wasn't cool, or wasn't A List like he was. He liked me for me and that was all that mattered.

In the later years, I was living in lower manhattan while he worked on Wall Street, there were many times I'd come out of my bedroom and he'd be on my sofa sound alseep, he'd worked late and missed his last train home. It was always nice seeing him there with his rumpled hair, snoring on the sofa. It used to make me smile.

Then that fateful day came... It was a beautiful morning, and I wish with every fiber of my being that I had not been out of the country, and had been home, the day was so nice, maybe a game of golf would have been on the menu... Tom had gone to work on the 82nd floor of the World Trade Center... a place just a few years before I called my place of employment. I got an email from him that morning, him giving me shit about n ot having coffee in the house (I was going to be gone for 4 weeks) and that was the last I head from him.

September 11, it's said, changed the world forever, I know it changed me forever, it's selfish, but not only did I lose my best friend, but I lost a very important part of my soul. The world is a definitely a much darker place for not having Tom as a part of it, his smile could light up a room, he always made time for people, he always made them feel important. Genuine is the best word to describe him.

I can't tell you how many times, in the weeks and months following, even now I still catch myself doing... For a few weeks after, I'd call his answering machine just to hear his voice. (His dad told me that I wasn't the only one who did this) Or how many times in the weeks, months, and even now sometimes, I'd want to pick up the phone, or dash off an email because I saw somehting, or heard something that I thought he would appreciate, or just because I wanted to say Hi.

I've lost many people through out my life, as much of a strained relationship I have with my parents, they are still with me, I havent had a grandparent since high school, I've lost other friends to drunk drivers, suicides, and other accidents, but Toms death was a loss like no other I have experienced, and never hope to again, he was a part of my soul.

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Adonis1782

I Need You

is it too late?
have I already lost you?
I need you, I love you
I don’t want to be myself any longer
I no longer have you to hold
no more kissing, sharing intimate things of our souls
no more midnight conversations
e-mails, greeting cards, song lyrics
it’s driving me INSANE!
I need you

I feel empty without you near me
I feel that your sins and mine are weighing down upon me
since I was the one who became so selfish
I claimed you did not share enough of yourself
obviously…..
I was wrong

now I know how it feels when I get barely any of your wonderful feelings
I don’t think I’m close to your heart any more
it hurts. Please, make the pain go away
just make everything alright again
teach me great patience
you’ve helped me to know what sorrow is, but it is more my fault than yours

take me in your arms, hold me
tell me everything is okay while I cry
I’m shedding tears while I write this
am I wrong for wanting you back?
please, give me answers, calm my soul
rebuild me into the young man I was
take me back…..

If you’ll have me

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" yer damned if you do and yer damned if you don't "

-Bart Simpson

tecoyah

Gramma painted....the canvas is dry

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

PhedUp

I had them once,
in their own little bag.

It had a little string,
to close the hole above it's white little tag.

Not lovers, not family, not pets have I tossed,
You see my friend, 'tis my marbles I've lost.

TexanAvenger

Met her.... first day of high school. Most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Her hair: the color of a raven's wing with a single strip of snow running through it. Her face: carved like that of an angel, with eyes that cried for love.

Myself: introverted, dark, tormented by inner demons. She: The same, but slightly more confident, a little more jaded, and infinitely more sagacious. Both needed somebody to cling to in a new world of conflict and passion, somebody who was, on nearly every level, the same person.

So we clung. Like wet leaves on the hood of a car. Like a single sock to the back of a shirt. We had the most unadulterated relationship yet imaginable to me. There were nights laying under the stars, in a field, talking. There were days spent skipping school for the sole purpose of laying under a huge oak tree, relishing the sheer presence of the other. Hundreds of hours were spent walking in the rain, driving around listening to music, developing something like a telepathy. I taught her to drive, she taught me about a woman's body... I taught her to pick locks, she opened my heart... I made her laugh, she made me love... Time was an illusion made to limit our being together forever.

We grew each other up. We brought each other gifts of confidence and experience, of hope and light. It was, without a doubt, the happiest time of my life.

She started dating a guy, I started dating a girl... Neither hers nor mine trusted us together solely as friends. I made the decision to stick with her, she made the decision to stick with her new guy for a while longer.

A year later, I've yet to talk to her...
And I'm left
with a hole in my heart
the size and shape
of a beautiful eighteen year old girl

amonkie

I grew up playing piano... so it was natural that I was pretty close to my piano teacher and her family... she played piano/organ for our church, it was a small town/church community, her husband was like another dad to me. But Cal had cancer... and while it ate away at him, he never once stopped being jovial about life. Towards the end, he was in so much pain that he would cry from it when he was trying to talk, yet talk anyway. One of the things he loved to do was sing... and he said that he was gonna lick this thing, and someday he was gonna have me play the piano somewhere, and he would sing Opera along with my playing... And so I was told I'd better go off practicing a whole bunch so I'd be ready. What I didn't know was he was trying to spare me the pain of watching die in front of my eyes... I begged my mom almost every day to let me see him before that.... when he said I needed to practice, he told me to work real hard for a week and come back... and then we'd play/sing together. So little did I know he was fighting a losing battle while I sat for hours on my piano, legs swinging and little fingers flying... all to be as good as I could so Cal could sing with me. When the week was up, I demanded to go see Cal so I could show him.... and was told he'd died that morning ... "But we were supposed to sing together!" ... my piano teacher came to me after all was said and done... and said that Cal had died singing with his eyes ... and had heard my music in his dreams.... that he had told her that he had heard my music all week in his head as he laid there ... and it was as sweet as angels music. I don't remember how old I was, just that the joy of one person has kept me going back... and back... until it aches when I can't fill my mind with my melodies....

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

xray21

Im Sorry

Going down this lonely highway..
Dont know what to do..
Fell like I just walk walked out of heaven..
All I wanted was you..
Now Im lost dont know what to do..
I dont have you..
My babygirl is gone I cant get her back..

I did it again.
I truely loved you...
Now Im lying here lonely again..
Throwing my life away..
Please Lord show me some light...
I know Im Wrong..
I did all I could..
Treated her like she wanted to be treated....

BUT I WASNT FAITHFUL...
AND NOW SHES GONE..
THE ONE I LOVED...
I HAD THAT SOMEBODY..
NOW SHES GONE...
NOW I HAVE TO MOVE ON...
DEAL WITH THE PAIN...
WALK BACK IN TO HEAVEN...

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Blessed By Pain