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Old 09-02-2003, 01:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
Fireball
 
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Location: ~
Passing the Time: Ann and Link

A tale that I wrote a while back...
________________


Link sat on the edge of the bed as Ann began to undress. He conjectured from the simple bed, covered with a pink blanket and two fluffy pillows, “I have trouble acting normal when I’m nervous. Don’t I?” She stood there with her head cocked to the side in thought. Her long brown hair draped down her slender body, almost to those white panties of hers, covered with little yellow flowers. “Yeah, I guess. I love you though, if that makes you feel better.” She flipped through the hangers in her closet.

There was a slight pause as Link laid back, admiring the sunlight that filled the room and loaned Ann a kind of radiance. “I was at a party the other day and I just felt out of place. I said to myself, ‘Hey, what are you doing here? Does it make you feel any better to be alone in a crowd, rather than at home?’” Ann turned around to look him in the eye, “I don’t get it. You’re the coolest guy I know, yet nobody seems to get you, but me.” He spoke with voice, half in sorrow, half in contentment, “Weird ain’t it? You’re my only friend in this town.” He leaned over and put the needle to the record. The soft romantic music of Lawrence Welk filled the room from the cheap, beat up speaker.

Deserting her nudity and the search for an outfit, A smile filled her face. She beaconed him up and they began to slow dance. This was the only fun in that small town and she was the only friend that he needed, her head resting on his chest. A gust of wind rustled the leaves outside and the curtain swooned along with the indistinguishable music that an ensemble can make. No sexual tension. No scheming, only the moment of bliss.

The record turned and in that moment, everything was alright.
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Old 09-02-2003, 03:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
eci
Tilted
 
Location: UK
Re: Passing the Time: Ann and Link

Quote:
Originally posted by Randerolf
[B]A tale that I wrote a while back...
________________


“I have trouble acting normal when I’m nervous. "
Is that from Counting Crows, 'Round Here'? That line, if so, is right up there with "every time she sneezes I believe it's love".

I like this vignette, and the sense of comfort without sexuality that can arise between the sexes. However, I find the style a little... anecdotal, for the want of a better word, and a little plain to appeal to me in a way that transcends the content alone. In a way it almost seems as if you recognise this and try to over-compensate with excessively polysyllabic words such as 'conjectured', which doesn't really fit the almost quotidian charm of the piece. This, along with the occasional grammatical mistake, such as lack of hyphenation, and the misspelling of 'beckoned' make it look like you're trying too hard - maybe your work would gain that little extra something by ignoring the expectations of others and working more closely from what you know. I hope this helps, and keep up the good work.
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Old 09-02-2003, 06:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Utah
Very good, thanks
__________________
And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart
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