Poppinjay

inspired by the NPR feature

When the police arrived, Jasper did not know his underoos were one fire. He had hung them on the clothesline outside his back door, a couple of feet from the trailer.

Norm the cop banged on the door, just as the freshly cleaned pair fluttered onto the roof of the trailer. And in the blink of an owl's eye, Jasper was made homeless.

"C'mon Jasper, Reggie'll put you up at the sunshine", sayeth Norm.

The Sunshine is a flophouse, $8 a day, toilet paper 25 cents a "slice". Reggie was the manager. Was. He's dead now.

The "rooms" consist of cubicles seperated by chicken wire. There were 12 residents at that time. The time Jasper's trailer burnt down.

Here begins his descent into madness. He was angry about his trailer. Mad, you might say.

Mad like a fox. A fox that's mad. But not rabid.

Jasper roomed next to Dmitri. Dmitri had not been outside the Sunshine in four years. Dmitri had not seen sunshine in four years. He was a 450 pound pasty white guy. He paid a kid to deliver his daily food intake.

His diet consisted of a 48 ounce can of Chef Boyardee ravioli. That's what he ate. Every day.

"You get a can of ravioli, that's some good eats!" he told Japser. Repeatedly.

Dmitri was a virgin. I mean, well, look at him. He's huge. He'd crush somebody.

This all despite the fact that another resident had a crush on him. Lisa was a wisp, but she just knew she could turn Dmitri into a husband. She took a room when her previous husband threw her out of their cold water flat.

His parting words were, "ungh." He was not a talkative man. He just liked to watch football and climb on her to do his business. Now that his penis was permanently flaccid, and he had purchased the Datacast super sports package, he had no need for her. The little pill was too expensive and would cut into football watching.

You might say Jasper suffered from a pathological need to connect these two. He also frequently wore a trucker hat. That has nothing to do with this.

Jasper wanted Lisa and Dmitri to hook up, because he was fucking tired of hearing about the fucking ravioli.

"There was a real Chef Boyardee. His name was Biordi. And he made food a damn sight better than that goopy shit. You're eating shit." This wisdom was imparted from Jasper, but never imported by Dmitri.

Jasper tried showing him porn. Dmitri threw up. Jasper showed him hookers on Craig's List (the Sunshine oddly had WiFi).

"Look here, 150 roses and she'll do anything you want for an hour!"

Jasper had availed himself to such services back when he had a trailer. It impressed some of the cheaper escorts. That, and his super fly Tiempo in the drive way.

"That son of a bitch is paid for!" he used to drunkenly scream at the mechanics when it was time for state inspections. The mechanics were devout Baptists. They kept their lips shut tight and weathered the storm. They were managed by a guy named Mike. Mike and the Mechanics.

When Reggie showed up the second day for the rent, he asked Jasper if he had any prospects of getting a job, getting another trailer.

"Hell Reggie, I got enough to stay a month thanks to my structured settlement. What the fuck do I need a job for?"

"It's just that Dmitri keeps throwing up every time you show him naked women. Who's gotta clean that up? Me. It's deep affecting."

And that's how it went for a while. Jasper backed off the porn. Lisa still pined for Dmitri through chicken wire. Dmitri kept eating, and espousing the superiority of his mother fucking 48 ounce can of ravioli.

Then, the saucers came. They were luminous and inviting for any cup of tea. But they need packing, and Reggie just happened to know the foreman at Lennox.

"Jasper, this job's right up your alley. You can collect your payment, and get paid! It's all cash."

Jasper never looked work in the eye, but he liked money. His structured settlement (sewing mishap, don't ask) didn't allow for all those "roses", and he really wanted to pop for a high class girl. One that "don't got false teeth or an eye patch."

The Tiempo carried him to the interview with Bobby "Fredd" Maraslis. "You breathe, you're hired. Can you start now?"

Boxes were being packed in a tight, airless room by several of Jasper's fellow rustic gents. "No girls in here, girls make the men sloppy in their work. Some of these guys are borderline retarded." Fredd pointed to a particular worker who tried to muster the dignity to look offended, but failed.

Jasper left the plant that day, having packed several boxes of the new pattern saucers. And with $80 in his pocket. He stopped at the Pik-A-Sak on his way back to the Sunshine. He purchased a 48 ounce can of ravioli.

"Here numb nuts, get your ravioli on." Dmitri awarded Jasper with the sum of the purchase, plus four dollars. Dmitri had family money, in case you were wondering. He's the bastard son of Elton John. Yeah, I know. Weird.

Now Jasper had the princely amount of $84. That, plus his payment allowed him a budget of 250 "roses". Off to Craig's List! On his cursor's way to "erotic services", he stopped at "barter/trade". There he found somebody wanting to trade a huge HDTV for a car. E-mail sent. Response. Picture sent. Little Johnny now has a super fly Tiempo to take him to Rappahannock State that Fall.

"Jesus, this thing looks like a huge pile of stinkin dog shit!" was how Johnny reviewed the auto. His dad smacked him in the head. "Shut up, your mother's making me dump the TV and the sports package so you can drive your pampered little ass to school."

Johnny calculated his sex life chances. Zero sum. End. Fail. You have died of dysentery.

At any rate, Jasper had a problem. The TV was bigger than his room. Reggie allowed him to put it in the "lobby" (a wobbly chair and box of kleenex) as long as he "didn't watch no porn."

"Godamn Reggie, you're killing me. I can see the bumps in a crack whore's tit on this thing and you want me to watch As the World Fucking Turns? When did you get all pussified?"

At this point in the story, I'm thinking Jasper may go all apeshit and kill everybody, or become a millionaire. Jim Lehrer says if you write a page a day, at the end of a year, you have a book. I don't know if this will result in that, but I'm attempting it. Feedback welcome.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Poppinjay

Okay, forget that last graph, here's the real dope.

"Alls I know if Lisa or some woman sees porn on that TV, they could sue me."

Jasper muttered to himself, a habit he picked up in the 4th grade. He spent a short stint with a counselor back then. If he couldn't watch porn on the TV, he figured he might as well sell it. Comparable televisions were going for $4500. "What the hell? I appear to have missed out on something here. My super fly Tiempo was maybe worth $800"

So he put it for sale, for less than the other HDTV's.

Within an hour, he had an e-mail. "Dude, I totally want that." Jethro came by with a check and a truck.

"What the hell can I do with a check? I don't have no bank account." Jasper was old fashioned. Also kind of stupid. And lazy. And not good at cards. So Jethro went to his bank and came back with a bundle of American Express Travel Checks. After patiently explaning how to use them, and what to do if they go missing.

"I had a dog go missing when I was 5. My momma said he'd gone ot live on a farm where he could run and play. It didn't make no sense though, we lived on a farm." Jethro said he was sorry for Jasper's loss. The loaded up the truck and 1080 pixels left Jasper's life, for good. He was sad, and kind of horny.

The checks still confused Jasper, so he took them to the 1st State Credit Union. Jethro told him any bank would be happy to exchange them for money. Jasper ended sitting at the other side of a desk from a well dressed woman named Cari.

"If you put this money into CDs, it will grow and you'll have fiduciary reliability for your retirement." Jasper was all, say what?

"I don't know what you just said, but I want a case of beer and a woman within the hour. Unless your bank offers that, and you'd be worth $250 alone if you're interested, I'm here for the cash."

Cari said no more and exchanged the checks. Afterwards she went into the restroom for a very long time.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet