Sister Mission - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Bees · 05-15-2008, 02:44 PM

.
..
Seek the twin
Separated at birth
Second planet
Sister of Earth

Sealed in our place
Hearts nearly stopping
Countdown race
Seconds dropping

All systems go
Fiery thrust
Rumbling earth
Liftoff crust

Gravity well
Shaking ascent
Bodies swell
Boosters spent

Atmosphere thinning
Darkness looms
Now free floating
Return to womb

Into the mystic
Van Allen belt
Shielded through
Radiation pelt

Cross the void
Celestial equator
Plain of the ecliptic
Robot navigator

Ahead bright light
No companion
Lonely sight
Planet abandoned

Orbit insertion
Lightening strobe
Venus atmosphere
Send in probe

Through acid clouds
Telemetry in scope
Lack of carbon
No terraform hope

Hotter than Mercury
Pressure too great
Volcanic fury
We’re far too late

No solution
Leave her sleeping
Our failed mission
Celestial bodies weeping
..
.

HedwigStrange · 05-15-2008, 10:41 PM

The first stanza makes my brain itch... some legend or folk story I read a long time ago... how lovers were once single beings that were torn apart and now have to find each other again. Hmm.

The rhyme scheme is pretty decent and doesn't seem forced. I would have liked to see more slightly slanted rhymes like companion/abandoned, as the short lines and short rhymes make it sort of sing-song-y. On the other hand, the space theme and kind of rolly feel of the words (lots of s, m, l, and assonance) make it a mellow techno sort of sing-song-y. So that might be a good thing.

The last line seems sort of melodramatic, but that depends on how you want it to be read... I saw the whole thing as sort of a failed orgasm.. but the crying in the last line indicates maybe it's a larger issue? Failed relationship? In fact, looking back... the first half seems like it's talking just about just sex, and the second seems to be more about relationships. Or perhaps I didn't get the point at all - risky business it is, trying to critique a giant metaphor.

and... I just liked this stanza:
Cross the void
Celestial equator
Plain of the ecliptic
Robot navigator

Bees · 05-19-2008, 11:58 AM

Thank for your review HedwigStrange,

My passions and sexuality are always just barely concealed just under the surface of my writings. However this one harkens back to feelings I had towards the second planet during my childhood.

When I was a child before the era of space exploration Venus was the planet that captured the imagination. Most people thought the second planet from the sun was the most similar to Earth and had the best chance to support life. I remember experiencing some sadness when space probe fly bys started to reveal the hellish nature of the planet lurking underneath the obscuring clouds.

Now scientists believe that eons ago Venus was very similar to the Earth with planet wide oceans etc. So my Sister Mission is an attempt to recapture the feelings I had for the planet as a child.

HedwigStrange · 05-24-2008, 10:50 PM

Ah-ha. And re-reading it now makes a delightful amount of sense. It means something to me too... I just turned 20 - sort of the final key locking away the last glimmers of childhood. So I'm really missing all the things I loved as a little kid - and this brought back a lot. They weren't sure "what killed the dinosaurs" when I was little - but now we know - Permian volcano and K-T asteroid (if I remember correctly). I miss watching the shows where scientists would argue out their theories about it. At any rate... thanks.

05-15-2008, 02:44 PM	#1 (permalink)
Bees Crazy Location: New Hampshire, US	Sister Mission . .. Seek the twin Separated at birth Second planet Sister of Earth Sealed in our place Hearts nearly stopping Countdown race Seconds dropping All systems go Fiery thrust Rumbling earth Liftoff crust Gravity well Shaking ascent Bodies swell Boosters spent Atmosphere thinning Darkness looms Now free floating Return to womb Into the mystic Van Allen belt Shielded through Radiation pelt Cross the void Celestial equator Plain of the ecliptic Robot navigator Ahead bright light No companion Lonely sight Planet abandoned Orbit insertion Lightening strobe Venus atmosphere Send in probe Through acid clouds Telemetry in scope Lack of carbon No terraform hope Hotter than Mercury Pressure too great Volcanic fury We’re far too late No solution Leave her sleeping Our failed mission Celestial bodies weeping .. . __________________ *The sands of time past keep shifting according to how we remember or forget or refashion it in hindsight, which is no sight at all.* Kajal Basu

05-19-2008, 11:58 AM	#3 (permalink)
Bees Crazy Location: New Hampshire, US	Thank for your review HedwigStrange, My passions and sexuality are always just barely concealed just under the surface of my writings. However this one harkens back to feelings I had towards the second planet during my childhood. When I was a child before the era of space exploration Venus was the planet that captured the imagination. Most people thought the second planet from the sun was the most similar to Earth and had the best chance to support life. I remember experiencing some sadness when space probe fly bys started to reveal the hellish nature of the planet lurking underneath the obscuring clouds. Now scientists believe that eons ago Venus was very similar to the Earth with planet wide oceans etc. So my Sister Mission is an attempt to recapture the feelings I had for the planet as a child. __________________ *The sands of time past keep shifting according to how we remember or forget or refashion it in hindsight, which is no sight at all.* Kajal Basu

05-15-2008, 10:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
HedwigStrange Tilted	The first stanza makes my brain itch... some legend or folk story I read a long time ago... how lovers were once single beings that were torn apart and now have to find each other again. Hmm. The rhyme scheme is pretty decent and doesn't seem forced. I would have liked to see more slightly slanted rhymes like companion/abandoned, as the short lines and short rhymes make it sort of sing-song-y. On the other hand, the space theme and kind of rolly feel of the words (lots of s, m, l, and assonance) make it a mellow techno sort of sing-song-y. So that might be a good thing. The last line seems sort of melodramatic, but that depends on how you want it to be read... I saw the whole thing as sort of a failed orgasm.. but the crying in the last line indicates maybe it's a larger issue? Failed relationship? In fact, looking back... the first half seems like it's talking just about just sex, and the second seems to be more about relationships. Or perhaps I didn't get the point at all - risky business it is, trying to critique a giant metaphor. and... I just liked this stanza: Cross the void Celestial equator Plain of the ecliptic Robot navigator

05-24-2008, 10:50 PM	#4 (permalink)
HedwigStrange Tilted	Ah-ha. And re-reading it now makes a delightful amount of sense. It means something to me too... I just turned 20 - sort of the final key locking away the last glimmers of childhood. So I'm really missing all the things I loved as a little kid - and this brought back a lot. They weren't sure "what killed the dinosaurs" when I was little - but now we know - Permian volcano and K-T asteroid (if I remember correctly). I miss watching the shows where scientists would argue out their theories about it. At any rate... thanks.