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The first stanza makes my brain itch... some legend or folk story I read a long time ago... how lovers were once single beings that were torn apart and now have to find each other again. Hmm.
The rhyme scheme is pretty decent and doesn't seem forced. I would have liked to see more slightly slanted rhymes like companion/abandoned, as the short lines and short rhymes make it sort of sing-song-y. On the other hand, the space theme and kind of rolly feel of the words (lots of s, m, l, and assonance) make it a mellow techno sort of sing-song-y. So that might be a good thing.
The last line seems sort of melodramatic, but that depends on how you want it to be read... I saw the whole thing as sort of a failed orgasm.. but the crying in the last line indicates maybe it's a larger issue? Failed relationship? In fact, looking back... the first half seems like it's talking just about just sex, and the second seems to be more about relationships. Or perhaps I didn't get the point at all - risky business it is, trying to critique a giant metaphor.
and... I just liked this stanza:
Cross the void
Celestial equator
Plain of the ecliptic
Robot navigator
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