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Old 02-07-2006, 09:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
Submit to me, you know you want to
 
ShaniFaye's Avatar
 
Location: Lilburn, Ga
My valentines prose for Dave

So since I cant get the birthstone cross made for David for valentines like I wanted Im going with something I found awhile back and filed away for a future present. Its a celtic cross in the Shannon Knot pattern. I wrote this to print out and frame to go with it and I'd like some feedback on it.

threads of the knot
weaving to and fro
encirlcling our hearts
to be forever twined

Just like my love for you
it has a beginning
but knows no end
tentacles of love to keep us bound

each knot like an anchor
to mark a place in our lives
so we always remember
the good when there is bad

a joyous interdependence
where each person is still their own
personalities spiritually tied
forever tightly bound

eternity represented
in a way from ancient times
a simplistically beautiful way
to represent that we are one

knots of strength
and of power
mirror our love
until our day is done
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Old 02-07-2006, 09:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
Unencapsulated
 
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Location: Kittyville
It's beautiful, Shani.
If you want honest... okay. There's a feeling of meter in it, if not a formal one. For that reason, I would snip "just" in "just like our love" and "where" in "where each person is still their own", and perhaps consider simplifying this line "in a way from ancient times"... maybe use "as in ancient times"? To avoid repeating "way".

My favorite parts:
"Just like my love for you
it has a beginning
but knows no end"

and
"knots of strength
and of power
mirror our love
until our day is done"

Nice work, Shani! He'll LOVE it, with or without changes. :*
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Old 02-07-2006, 09:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: Lilburn, Ga
THANK YOU....I knew it did, its just I've read it so many times I couldnt figure out where I needed to cut it.
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Old 02-07-2006, 10:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Chicago
very nice... and from the heart - can't ask for a nicer gift than that...
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Old 02-07-2006, 10:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: in love
i love it. beautiful. and he is going to love it

sweetpea
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Old 02-09-2006, 02:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Lilburn, Ga
I've rewritten with changes suggested and changed a few more things and now I think its perfect hehehe.

Today I went and bought an 8 1/2 x 11 purple/silver marbilized frame (his fav color is purple), got some black scrapbook paper to make a mat and some lilac 5x7 paper to print it on.

Im so excited, he's gonna adore it!!!
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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!
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Old 02-09-2006, 11:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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really nice
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