Are you happy?
 

I'm just curious, because I'm not, and I can't figure out why. I have everything I thought I would ever need to make me happy:

• a stable, fulfilling, loving marriage to a beautiful woman
• lots of cool stuff, car, home, home theater
• a sister who has made the journey from haunted and miserable to happy and fulfilled
• a truly kickass comic book collection
• a career in which I'm skilled, accomplished, and respected
• a beautiful, supportive internet girlfriend
• a church that supports and accepts me and my family

I look at that, and I think, how can I not be happy?

I'm ok most of the time, not happy, not unhappy, just kind of existing.

I have happy moments. I, on occasion, have happy days, but most of the time, a "good" day is one where nothing seriously bad happens. Good is defined by the absense of pain, not the presense of pleasure. I very seldom have happy nights.

And it seems that this is a kind of betrayal of those people in my life who love me, as if to say that having them be there for me with their unconditional love isn't enough to make me happy, that they aren't good enough for me. I don't want them to think that, because it isn't true. Most of what is good in my life comes from Grace and from Sissy.

And I look at what's missing, and I wonder, what is it that would be the magic ingredient, that would move me to the point where I could just enjoy this "good life" I've so carefully constructed for myself.

Friends? It's always bothered me that I don't know how to make friends.
Social skills? Maybe if were able to function in social situations, that would be the key that unlocks things.
Children? Not being able to have children eats away at me sometimes, even though together, Grace and I will be able to have kids. I know it's foolish to look to kids as a means of fulfillment, but it would certainly remove one of the obstacles that's there for me.

When I weigh those things, against the good stuff, the balance comes out way over on the side of good. Yet, I still feel that something is missing.

None of it seems to be what I'm looking for, the missing ingredient in my happiness stew. Sometimes I think that maybe I shouldn't look to have a happy life, that I'm just not one of those people who gets that, and should focus on enjoying those good moments and occasional good days.

Are you happy?

If so, what is it in your life that makes you happy?

If not, what is it about your life that you think is responsible? What changes in your life do you think would allow you to be happy?

I ask this because I think it might help me to gain some perspective on my own life to hear about those parts of others that do and don't work for them.

I'm in your situation. But I spend more time being unhappy than happy.

I think I can attribute my unhappiness to a few things. The first would probably be loneliness. It's not that I don't have friends or anything, it's just that I hardly see any of them. I remember in the previous semester, I could go through the whole week without saying one word at school. It's my fault that i'm not outgoing, but that's just who I am and i'm trying to work on it.

The second is probably my ability to get frustrated with myself at the drop of a hat. I don't usually get frustrated with other people, even if i'm at a competition and my partner is doing very poorly, but I can make one error in a competition and be very angry with myself. One coach/friend used to tell me "Siege, at best, you can expect to win almost all the time. But you can't expect to give them a bagel (zero points) every time."

Hmm, well, as for the cure. I'm planning on seeing my school therapist as soon as my schedule for this semester becomes stable. I think a pretty silly answer would be "cure my loneliness." But maybe that's the answer. I guess i'll know more when I get some help.

I dont claim to know how everything plays out in your situation, but I think most of us just exist most days. Life is never gunna be all peaches and cream, just like its never gunna be totally shitty...

Life is a shade of grey, I think its unreasonable, and setting ourselves up for thinking we have a problem, by expecting that every day we will be truely happy.

Bottom line, dont get too down about it, make the most of what you have, and live for the little joys in life. At least thats how I strive to do things.

Well I have

• a string of failed and stalled relationships and no one in the world that loves me
• a lot of debt, a broken down car, and I live in a small one room apartment that that backs onto a pasta shop
• a broken up family I cant really stand to spend any time with any of them
• a lot of books I havent read
• a lack of any real talent, charisma or motivation. A low level job with I am not especially good at and for which I dont get paid very much
• an ex girlfriend who I still talk to online - and who I like more than she likes me
• a longing for religion, and a desperation to believe that I cannot fulfil
• additionally, I am physically ugly and grossly overweight

Am I happy?

Not especially, but I feel a lot better than I used to

Yo, I dont really know you or your background. But you say you are in a loving marriage, and that you have a beautiful girlfriend... which, to me does suggest something of a conflict of interest. Perhaps thats a reason that youre unhappy too?

Nah, that's "internet girlfriend". Specifically, sweetpea here. Grace knows and it doesn't bother her in the least, and it's only made my life better.

Gilda

i'm not exactly sure I truly know what happy really means -- I'm sure what's happy for some isn't for others... Some people, myself included, could look at Gilda's life and think - this woman has it all - a great career, a spouse that loves her, family that loves her, the ability to care for a family member who needed her, countless other things - in addition to being beautiful both inside and outside - what's not to be happy about...

Does happiness come from satisfaction with who and what we are? Gilda names a few things that she doesn't think she is - so rather than being satisified and happy with what she has-- shee seem to focus on what she doesn't have... does that get in the way of happiness?

Am I satisfied with my life? Some days yes -- other days - not so much...

I'm responsible for my own happiness... and the old expression is true, you will never be happy with someone else -until you are happy with yourself... There are about 10 things that I would needto be satisfied with myself... A shot of postiveness would be a good start - and to stop focusing on the negatives about myself-- easier said that done...

I can sit down with anyone -- and in 10 minutes of knowing them - -easily name them 10 good things about them... I am incapable of doing the same thing for myself... :( Finding and actually believing the good things I think is the key to happiness...

It's funny. JJ and I were just talking about happiness earlier today. We are happy now, but I will focus on me because I'm not going to pretend that I can say for sure what he is thinking and I don't want to type words about him that may not be true.

As for me, I was like you a few years ago. I had 'everything' and still was very unhappy. In fact, I was unhappy to the point where I would look in the mirror and hate the image looking back at me. I contemplated suicide and became very depressed. I went to therapy and I suggest it to everyone. The first thing you need to realize is that happiness comes from within. You cannot buy happiness or acquire happiness. If I had the secret of what makes a person happy I would be a millionaire, which would not equal happiness. ;)

I think that there is something within you that is most likely buried and needs to be dealt with so you can feel content. Therapy is great for this because you can freely talk to a person who has no links to your life. A detached person who will not judge and usually does not interfere with the progress you will make in your journey to contentment.

When I say that I am happy, I don't pin point it to a person, a possession, a career, or myself. Happiness is when you feel no regrets and know that you made the right choices in life. If you made 'wrong' choices, it is when you accept that maybe they weren't the best but at the time they were right.

To the outside world it looks like you have everything you need to be happy. However, something within you is struggling and that is what you will need to discover. I would suggest therapy or meditation.

If you want to discuss further or want someone detached from your personal life, you can always pm me. I'm pretty good at giving some advice and I have been where you are and returned. I'll be thinking of you. :)

I've found that I'm the happiest when I'm able to focus on what's important and forget the rest. I'm very effected by stress, particularily when it comes to work and school. I get caught up in trying to be perfect, worrying over whether everything is gonna turn out alright. During those times I'm far from happy. But when I'm able to step back from it, spend time with secret and my close friends, I realize what it is in life that really matters, and it's not a grade on a piece of paper or a pay raise. So, I don't have the answer to staying happy forever, I certainly struggle with it in my own life! But, sometimes just letting everything go and taking a moment to hold the person you love and share those initimate moments and feelings together lets you experience true happiness, even if only for a moment. Just a few thoughts off the top of my head. :)

Hmmm. That's interesting, that it comes from within. The way I've been looking at it is that happiness is always a response to external stimuli--watching Grace sleep, riding a roller coaster, discussing ancient Chinese poetry with my World Masterpieces class*, making love, window shopping with Sissy or just drinking some tea and watching the sunrise--it's always a response to an activity.

Maybe that's what I'm wondering about. Do I have to fill my life with activities to be able to enjoy life in general? That's not really what I'm looking for. There will always be those down times, those in-between times when you're not doing anything, they just can't be avoided entirely. And that's when I get down. That's why nights can be so difficult for me--that time between climbing in bed and going to sleep is just down time.

I guess what I mean by having a happy life would be that, in those down times in between activities, whether good or bad, where does your emotional state land? With me, it's very seldom in the content area.

Nah, not so much buried. I know what they are, but they're mostly in the past, childhood abuse, my relationship with my parents, a series of abusive relationships in my teens and early adulthood, not being able to have children, not having any friends. I know what they are. I just . . . I look at Sissy who has all the same issues (except the social anxiety) as mine on top of her gender identity stuff, and I don't think I've ever seen a person who enjoys life more. Everything is an opportunity to learn, to make friends, to have an adventure, a challenge. Her default state when she's not engaged is content, and she doesn't have many of those good things I have in my life.

I've been in therapy, and I've tried meditation. The former has been very helpful, the latter sporadic. I've been avoiding finding someone new. Sissy's just decided she doesn't need it anymore. She still goes to an MTF support group on occasion, but I think, despite being the youngest one there, she's like a big sister because she's fully assimilated.

Meditating is sometimes helpful, and sometimes just leads me to the very types of thoughts that spawned this thread. It's hit or miss.

And that's part of what I'm getting at. Happiness, to me, has always been tied to a specific thing, a specific event, a specific person. It's always tied to something external, a reaction to the world. I was just wondering if there were people out there for whom it was just their regular state of being when they're not engaged, like Sissy seems to be.

Thank you, both for the kind thoughts and for the suggestion. It's comforting to know that there are people who are happy out there.

*Damn that was fun; it wasn't all 80 or 90 or them, but there was a good dozen kids in that class who actually cared, who had an opinion and were able to back that opinion up with a reason and do so articulately; yeah, I know ya gotta be a little strange for ancient Chinese poetry to be your definition of fun; I'm an English professor, that's just how my mind works.

**Warning could be rambling because of brainstorming and ideas being thrown out**
Gilda, I think that you are happy in those moments because that is what you enjoy. Moments can bring happiness too. When I'm feeling down, I get lost in one of my happiest memories. JJ, Alcina (his daughter), and I went to a secluded beach about a month after we got married. We made sandcastles, ran in the surf, had a picnic, and just enjoyed each other's company. There was no stress and there were no worries. When I meditate that is my happy place.

While outside stimulus and situations can make you feel happy it is temporary and dependant on those people or things. To actually obtain true happiness that stays with you, you have to have it within you. It's hard to explain and I can't pinpoint exactly what it is for me. It's just something that took about 2 years to get and I have to work at maintaining it. It's almost like Buddhism and finding Nirvana or inner peace.

My family was the main reason for my problems too. They weren't physically abusive, but they did a number on me mentally. Sissy probably deals with it differently and she is younger than you isn't she? That could also be a difference. However, it sounds like she is enjoying life as a whole, where you focus on independent circumstances. Neither one of you is right or wrong, it is just how people are. You will just need to go a different route.

Oh, and as for your social anxiety, I think that you may be beating yourself up over this and struggling with it. Personalities are hard to change. My biggest issue with my personality is that I'm a very lethargic person. I sleep a lot. I used to fight myself over this and beat myself up for sleeping so much. My therapist said that there are 2 types of people. One person can run fine on very little sleep, other people need more sleep to function. Neither personality is right, I just happen to be the person that needs more sleep. Once I accepted this, I don't sleep as much. It's strange, but once you stop obsessing over a 'flaw' and accept it as a part of you it seems to disappear.

I don't know if any of my words help you or not. I'm just brainstorming and throwing out ideas. If you want me to stop just let me know. I know that advice is wonderful, but some can be unwelcomed. I just like to help. I hate to see people in the situation I was in. It was hell for me and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. When I was there, it seemed like a dark cloud devouring me and I thought I would never shake it.

Okay, this is all just going to ramble out.... thoughts are not always organized cohesively... ;)

Happiness is something that each of us strive for... some atain early... like Sissy
And some are never happy (like my grandmother, who has been miserable her whole life, even though she had everything she ever wanted)..

Sometimes i wonder if it comes down to personality? My natural state is happy or rather... content. I have my dark times here and there, but i've always been a 'glass is half full kind'... Yes, i have anerexia, i have an auto-immue disorder... most of my time is spent in physical pain... but i think that has taught me to disassociate from things.. my happiness comes from myself.. when i am alone and at peace, when i'm able to be with myself. I adore being with my husband too and talking to Gilda... but on the whole i think i'm rather a loner and happy being one.

Some people just have personalities where they do remaing somewhat detached... and there's nothing wrong with that... unless it is bothering you... which apparently it is... and i'm glad you've brought it up to speak about it... speaking about things always makes them come to the forefront faster and may thereby be understood more quickly...

sometimes i wonder Gilda .. if potentially it is that you are indeed a loner type person... but you are responding to an image that you need to have... You have mentioned in your post wanting to have more friends, but is it that you feel you would like that, or is it that you feel pressured socially to have that in your life??

I guess, the reason why i point that out is that most of the things that make me unhappy... are when i'm pushing myself to be something different, to be something that is not naturally part of my personality, because i'm responding to some social stimuli or something that i *need* to be to be a whole person, i've discovered such things only strive to make me more more fragmented and can send me further from happiness ...
Do you feel that you're unhappy because you push yourself to be things that you're not??

How do you see yourself Gilda? honesty... how would you describe yourself to someone who didn't know you?

I think Gilda, that you are perfect and i mean that.
You're gorgeous, intelligent, kind and giving, thoughtful and witty... there have been many countless times i have been envious of you... not of your life... but Who You Are (did you know that?)... because you have so many amazing qualities... If you could see those qualities in yourself, truly see them... i think that would make you happier... with yourself and with your life.

I know that you have been remiss to find a new therapist and i understand completely... but therapy can take the weight off your shoulders that rests so heavily on you... when you do decide to seek another professional, i think things will be a little bit better...

As a clarification... Was there a time in your life when you felt happy, happy without being engaged in things? Or has that always been the case?

It is uncanny the way you describe a good day... my husband explains a good day or a good month in the same way... "nothing bad happened, everything is still okay..." As he was abused too... i wonder what roll the family's treatment of their children plays in self-esteem? it's just a thought...

Food for thought:

If all of the things you listed were no longer an issue:

say you could have children, that your parents welcomed you and grace back and blessed your union and you had amazing social skills and never felt afraid...

Do you think that would change everything for you? Do you feel that having those things would make you happy?

I think one of the potential issues is that many people think they will be happy once they attain something... but once they do... after a while, they feel the emptiness sinking into their hearts again....


After all that... i'm going to ask if it's just a matter of hormones or brain chemistry? My cousin was deeply depressed and suicidal for many years... after many failed attempts to end her life... they discovered that she had a disorder in which her brain chemistry and hormones were causing the issue... she began medication to correct the imbalance and has sense been a truly happy and healthy and productive woman, who laughs at the drop of a hat and is smiling... the change was shocking and all it turned out to be was that she needed a certain hormone to correct her system... Could it possibly be something like that, that is affecting your sense of well being?

Above all Gilda... you are loved... loved by me unconditionally and loved by many in this very community... Loved by your family... and i want you to know that, i feel i cannot say it enough times... YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. You are Pefect just the way you are.... no one has ever told you that enough... but it's the truth. :icare:

I hope my incoherent rambling and questions can be of some use to you...

sweetpea

That is what I was trying to get at too. Just wanted to say that this part is what I was trying to get at also. :)

:)

That's really nice. Yes, I'm happy in the moment, but I don't know how to transfer that over to the in-between times. I enjoyed the hell out of my discussion of ancient Chinese poetry for the hour that I got to do that and actually get paid for it (is this a great job or what?). But that moment, just like every other good moment I've had, is gone, in the past. I enjoyed those days with Boris, but now that he's gone again, it's that much worse that he isn't here, because I'm more aware of what I've lost, what I missed the past five years by not being able to see him at holidays as he went through his teen years. It works the same with Sissy. I enjoy her so much that, when my mind is given free range, it can't help but land on the idea that soon, in perhaps two or three years if she doesn't go to graduate school here, she'll be gone also.

That's wonderful. I'm always glad to hear that people I like are doing well.

Sissy is 20, and I'm 29. I've been in treatment/recovery for about six years, while she's been doing the same for five while simultaneously going through sexual reassignment, which undoubtedly must have made things more difficult for her. She had me to lean on for support, and I had Grace, so we were in about the same situation there.

Heh. You just described me and Sissy. I don't think I'm capable of sleeping longer than five hours at once, regardless of how long it's been, while Sissy can't get by on less than nine, sometimes ten.

I'm sorry to hear that, and I'm glad you were able to work past it. I'm not really depressed. It's been a few years since I last hurt myself and even longer since I've had thoughts of suicide.

I think . . . it's just that this job is what I've been working for for the last 25 years. I'm here, I've got the last big thing, in my dream job, and the job, the work is ever bit as good as I thought it would be. It should at least bring me closer, be a little bit closer. I've got the personal life, the professional success, financial stability, and a fulfilling spiritual life, and it's not enough, and I can't help but wonder, what more is there?

Also, I didn't mean for this to be all about me. It would help if more people would share their thoughts about what makes their own lives happy or unhappy.

Gilda

Am I happy? Sometimes. I'd say for the majority of my life, I've been unhappy more than happy. This is actually something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, and here are my rambling, and probably disjointed, thoughts.

I'm pretty sure that the way I was raised has a lot to do with my happiness level now. I felt, as a child, that my father didn't value me as much as my siblings because he put a lot of stock in good grades and other accomplishments. My brother and sister were both atheletic, were super smart, and won things like spelling bees and science fairs. I was more intelligent than the average kid, but not nearly as smart as my brother and sister. I wasn't atheletic. It's not that I felt my dad didn't love me, I just felt like I was never good enough. I think this carried over from his own father, who was a very demanding, strict authoritarian.
I've also nearly always been shy. I wasn't shy in kindergarten and first grade; it wasn't until we moved to the town I grew up in that I became shy. We were ostracized because we weren't Mormon, and while this changed as the kids we grew up with matured and realized that we weren't devil spawn, it left me withdrawn and scared of people. I'm actually a very social person, but I'm hesitant to talk to and meet new people, and this is something that I struggle with every day. I've gotten better in the past few years, but lack of friends is something that bothers me a lot.

I'm also really hard on myself for many things. For anyone who has read my journal, one of the biggest reasons can be found there (I'm not going to go into it here). I'm hard on myself for dropping out of college, for being to heavy, and for settling into a job that is safe but hate. I'm taking steps to turn these things around though; I just started back to school after an 8 year absence, I've started to watch what I eat and exercise more, and while I still feel kind of stuck in my job, my education will eventually help me get out of my current job. No, these things won't necessarily help me be happy, but they will take away some of the things that cause me to be unhappy.
I am currently just trying to be comfortable being me. I'm accepting things that I've been wishy washy about, accepting things that are out of my control, and I think it's making me rest a little easier. I really don't know ultimately what would make me happy...happiness seems to be that elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There will always be something going on in life that makes you unhappy, I think you just have to accept the things you can't change and actively work to change the things you can. I think self acceptance is the key.

Heh. I'm like your grandmother. :). Maybe we share a common ancestor.

:). I like hearing that.

I hope so.

It isn't that I want to have more friends, but that I want to have friends, period, outside of my family. I see what that brings Sissy, and I saw what that brought Katie in high school. See, I thought I had friends, but it turns out our friends were really her friends, and I was just another member of the group, which was fine with me. I see how easily Grace integrates with any group of people she interacts with, and how Dr. KGB is seemingly friends with everyone in the department, and I want a part of that, I want to know how to make friends.

I've always found that setting a goal and working towards that goal is something that keeps me . . . not happy, but fulfilled, so long as I know I'm making progress.

Maybe that's it. Here I am, 29 years old, and I have everything I've been working for all my life for, and suddently I don't have much of anything to work towards. and when I stop to consider that all I can think is . . . now what? What if this is the peak, if my life is already as good as it's ever going to get. I have 50 years left, and if I'm already at the high point, then it can only be downhill from here. It might never get any better than it is at this moment, and that's scary.

Maybe. I know that I haven't found anything good in the assertiveness stuff I've been doing lately. It was supposed to get easier and more natural, and it hasn't.
Hmm. Physically, if I had to describe myself to someone who was going to meet me for the first time, I'd say look for the unremarkable looking, moderately tall, skinny, pale-skinned, dark-haired woman wearing a short skirt, fitted blouse and black plastic rimmed glasses.

Personality-wise, I'd say smart, shy, neurotic, obsessively neat, analytical, family-oriented, care-taker.

That's the strange thing about it. If, ten years ago, you'd have shown me a description of what my life is now, I'd have laughed at the idea that such a thing could be possible, and I for sure would have told you that if I had all that I'd be the happiest woman on earth.

I know, it's helped in the past, but it's also a very difficult process, especially at the beginning, and starting anew, with someone who doesn't know my history, having to relive all that stuff again with a new therapist, it just keeps me from taking that first step.

I think maybe when I was seven or eight years old maybe, but that's so long ago that I'm not sure it isn't just wishful thinking on my part. I don't think I was moody and obsessive as an eight year old, but who remembers that part of their life anyway?

Certainly there's been occasional days when that would be true, like the five days Boris was here (stupid coach wanting him back for practices and meetings, even thought he wasn't even eligible to play, though I don't quite understand why).

I know a woman
Became a wife
These are the very words she uses
To describe her life
She said a good day
Ain’t got no rain
She said a bad day’s when I lie in bed
And think of things that might have been

Add to that a healthy arm, and I'd say yes.

Maybe that's it.
I don't know. My gynecologists have always advised me to go on birth control to regulate my hormone levels and my periods, which tend to fluctuate wildly from month to month--I'll have a 22 day cycle one time and 40 the next--and to alleviate the severe PMS symptoms I get. I think, however, that the potential negative side effects greatly outweigh the positives, and I obviously don't need birth control, so I refuse the drugs.

I know I have people who love me, three of them at least, and that's more than what some people have, and that's part of why I feel guilty about not being happy. That's supposed to make me happy, getting unconditional love, and it bothers me that it isn't enough. And that's, I think, a little insulting to those who do love me, and I don't want to hurt those people by telling them that their love isn't good enough for me and . . . I'm completely lost on where I was going with this. Being in love with someone who in turn loves you back is supposed to make you happy, and it does when I'm with Grace or when I'm with Sissy or when I'm here interacting with sweetpea, and it sustains me in between times, but . . . I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just don't want to disappoint those people who care about me by not being what they expect me to be.

It was sweetie, thank you.

Gilda

Thank you Medusa99. I wish you luck and success with both looking after your health and with going back to school.

Gilda

I've reached a point where I'm happy. I've had ups and downs all along but I think I've finally reached a point where I can say that I like who I am and where I'm going.

As with shesus' warning, this may ramble a bit, so you may want to scroll if your eyes start to glaze over.

I finally was able to accept happiness once I made peace with my past. Like others, I grew up in a typically dysfunctional family. My mother split when I was 9 and I haven't heard from her since. My father and step-mother were both physically and emotionally abusive. I severed all ties with them about 12 years ago, thinking that would be all I needed. I found out that that wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to just break communication with them, I had to make peace with my own self for the feelings of guilt associated with that and for the feelings of anger for what they stole emotionally for me. It took many years to realize this, but once I realized it, it didn't take long at all to start dealing with it.

I finally had to forgive them for what they did. I still don't communicate with them because they have not changed, but I've forgiven them. More importantly, I've forgiven myself for what I did to myself for so many years. I learned to be at peace with myself more than anything else. I came to believe that every mistake I made along the way made me who I am now. This helped me deal with regret.

When shesus and I met, I was already divorced with a child. I had basically decided that if I were to ever marry again, I had to make it clear that I could not be responsible for her happiness. I found that no one could ever make me happy nor could I ever make someone else happy. Like shesus said, true happiness comes from within. While outside stimuli might be involved, it's how we respond to that stimuli. This response can be directed by a number of things, including guilt, regret, etc. For example, When I was finally able to afford a BMW, I was thrilled since I have wanted one all my life. My personality, however, dictated that along with that thrill was an ample amount of guilt that I was "flaunting". So, naturally, I wasn't able to be wholly happy with our purchase. I had to learn to get over those feelings and be okay with the fact that I was in a position to acquire something I'd always wanted.

You and I have rarely, if ever, spoken here, but I've read many of your posts. One of the things that strikes me about you is that you are a highly empathetic person. I get the impression that if someone you care about is hurting, then you hurt, too. Your amount of empathy drives you to experience the same pain your loved ones experience, even if it means you force yourself to experience unnecessary pain. In the process, you beat yourself up for not being able to do more to help those in pain. If I'm right about this, then this may have a lot to do with your feelings of unhappiness. You take in so much pain from others that you make it your own. It may be helpful if you teach yourself to be able to empathize with others without having to experience their pain as well.

Happiness is out there, Gilda. You'll find it.

Happiness is a short-lived emotion. In order to feel happy with relative frequency, I find that I have to do a couple of things: first, I find something accessible about life that I truly appreciate (sitting outside on my porch is one thing), and then I just stay there. If you have things in your life that bring you happiness but they are there all the time, you won't feel happy from them anymore because you will take them for granted. In order to gain happiness from something, you must stop everything and take notice, or re-take notice.

The easiest way to be happy the most often is to erase desire. I don't mean to stop your sex drive, or to not think that it might be nice to own a certain car, but not to become entrapped by anything. If you desire to be happy, it will be difficult (perhaps impossible) to attain, because the desire itself can invoke frustration or other conflicting emotions. I try to avoid expectations, and if I have them, to accept whatever results I encounter. Pay more attention to things that you like about a situation than those you don't like.

I'm sure I was as helpful as a granite parachute, but if I wasn't being too vague or philosophical, then I am glad I could help.

Am I happy? Not at the moment. I'm doing a study abroad program that I thought I would love, but it turns out the town I'm in isn't what I thought it would be, I haven't met anyone I particularly enjoy being around, and I spend most of my time in my dorm room in front of the computer because I don't have anything better to do.

The good thing is, it's made me realize what I have at home, what the relationships I've had mean to me, and how lucky I am. I'm heading home in February, and I suspect I'll be changed for the better then. But at the moment? Somewhat miserable.

Hey Gilda

I´m sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. From my personal experience happiness is not really out there, but within. I don't think a great job or family support equal happiness by themselves, sure, they do make life easier but I don't think they are it.

Happiness is not so much absence of trouble or problems but that calm tranquility inspite of it, the “so what” I'm still alive I will make it!

You say you have been through some rough times in your life, I find it very important to be my own best friend. Let´s face it, people come and go and very often those we love the most have more power to disappoint us and very often end up hurting us deeply. Think about yourself in the past, look at the moments when you have felt lonely or friendless and somehow unhappy and promise yourself that you will always be by your side. That you support and understand the person you were and the choices you made and forgive your own mistakes. I am much more critical with myself than I will ever be with others. It took me a long time to change that and enjoy my own company and accept that I'm a person worth spending time with.

And be true to urself, it makes no sense trying to be what others expect u to be. There are millions of people but only one Gilda! Just spend time knowing urself and be the best Gilda u can be, I don't care about others expectations but on being in reality all that I can be potentially, I try to be the best me :)

We all somehow search for happiness and fulfilment, we all feel lonely sometimes, it's part of being human. Make the most of this time of uncertainty and search, it's really a great chance to grow, to discover urself more fully and to see and accept the support and love of those around you.

I am also a very spiritual person and I think that we all have other needs besides the obvious physical and social ones. I do think we have spiritual needs too, deep down we all long for a meaning and a life purpose, call them God, inner peace, serenity acceptance or love.

I will keep you in mind and wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me. Take care :)

After reading Suave´s post I would like to add something my father used to tell me when I was younger. When we were doing something, not always very special, sometimes something very ordinary like going for a walk or having lunch together, he would make us create a memory: we would pay attention to the people around us, the colours, the smells, the laughs we were sharing and he made us promise to remember that precise moment. So I have quite a few happy memories of my childhood, doing nothing really.

I still do it today whenever I am feeling relaxed, even if it's just having a bath or listening to a song I like or enjoying a film with friends. I helps me realize that there are many “moments” in my life in which living is good.

It's not so much the situation, but the ability to enjoy ur current situation whatever it might be.
Take care

Happy? Hah. I'm fucking miserable (warning - post turns into mindless, tedious raving beyond this point. Read at your own risk). Which is why I'm bailing out and going overseas in June for at least six months. I just feel like I'm suffocating here...no sense of direction at all, no idea what I want to do with my life, not meeting new people...shitty job (was at uni but took the last semester off with the intention of getting more work to save for overseas...which didn't materialise so shit work plus too few hours plus too much free time = boredom central). So I had to postpone my trip (wanted to leave early this year as opposed to June), and will also do a subject at uni this semester just for the hell of it (even though I might change degrees when I come back from Europe). And to top it off I had yet another failure in the relationship game this past weekend. It shouldn't be a big deal, it's not like it was at all serious, but it took my mind off of everything else that was wrong in my life - however briefly - and now that's finished the pressure from everything else feels even stronger and more urgent.

I'm 19 and yet I already feel like I'm running out of time.

I have a small group of tightly knit friends, who I love, but I feel restricted by them at the same time. I recently met some new people through a friend of mine, which was refreshing, but at the same time looks like it may end up being another source of frustration and depression. I often feel socially inadequate - I had a chronic skin condition throughout primary school and early high school which I now have under control, but it played a huge part in crippling my self esteem and general social development. I mean don't get the wrong idea, I'm not a social cripple by any means - I just feel overwhelmingly average and unhappy with that area of my development.

I don't have any great skills, nor the motivation to cultivate what talents I do have into something exceptional. Case in point, I'm a very good writer, but don't have a passion for it - if I don't have an essay to write I won't be working on anything of my own volition. I also have some creative ability with the guitar, but again, I don't have a strong enough passion for it to play enough to actually do something with it. I'm partly going overseas in the deluded belief that I will attain some "life experience", learn more about myself by being alone in a foreign environment (will initially stay with relatives, who I don't know, but only initially), which will in turn give me some inspiration/motivation to do something for my life.

You can say that true happiness comes from within (as I believe it probably does), but the fact of the matter is I'd rather be miserable and flying first class than to be miserable and have to catch the fucking bus. Then again, I don't think it's human nature to be happy. If we were happy we'd never strive to achieve anything.

Wow, man. I almost got sucked into another "fix Gilda" thread. But then I took another look and saw that there were actual questions that I can answer, so I'll just answer them. That was a close one! ;)

I'm very, very happy. That doesn't always mean that everything in my life goes 100% my way.

What makes me happy... is a complicated question.

For a long time I just "existed", like you describe, Gilda. My big concern in life was what would be happening on ER this week. Just like you, Gilda, I had all the stuff that should theoretically make me happy, but my instead I was just sort of numb and dead most of the time.

Then I discovered (with the help of a course in <a href="http://www.landmarkeducation.com">transformation education</a>--not an employee, a VERY satisfied customer) that I am--and always have been--the source of my experience of life. I'd been waiting for something to come along and "make me happy", and then any time something did, rather than enjoying it and appreciating it, I'd judge it and question it and evaluate it until its ability to effect me was completely dried up. Then I'd complain that nothing made me happy! I finally realized that I'd been choosing that. I'd been trading in happiness for the right to complain about life, and it cost me everything I really wanted in life.

What makes me happy now is my ongoing choice to be happy, in every circumstance, no matter what's happening to me. Sometimes I do well at that, and sometimes I don't, but when I don't, I can always look and find where I'm choosing something other than happiness.

I really didn't intend to make this that kind of thing, and I apologize if it seems that was what I was doing, and I'll do my best to pull back and let this be about the more general topic of what it takes to have a happy life, and not focus so much on myself.

I'm genuinely interested in hearing from people who have a happy life and what it is that makes it so, because if I can see what it is that makes people happy, maybe I'd be able to apply that to my own life. At the very least, I like hearing stories about how people enjoy their lives.

Thank you for contributing. You seem to be another who is in the "happiness comes from within" camp. It's helpful to see that. I still don't think I buy the idea that it's just a matter of choosing happiness, but I do like seeing that there are people who have been able to do so. It gives me hope that maybe I'll be able to find whatever it is that I'm missing that'll bring me to that place.

Gilda

happy as Suave stated is fleeting.

There's several fables, koans, missives, that expess "this too shall pass."

Life is fleeting. We have to learn to enjoy ALL moments as they are and exist in a state of being instead of a state of constant "waiting for something."

All the "things" you stated in your OP are all there, yet you aren't happy.

Do you expect that life is supposed to be ALL happiness ALL the time? If so then how would you know that you were happy? Life is the range of emotions we need to savor all of them as twisted as that sounds. Pain, suffering, unhappiness, they are all part of the same circle and need to be experienced to truly understand the depths of happiness and joy.

I don't buy that either. I think it takes an honest evaluation of why happiness is eluding a person.

In many cases it's easier to wonder why happiness hasn't set in as a permanent state of being rather than confront real reasons why. Frequently, it has to do with unresolved relationships. Jumping Jesus has a good example with his parents. By his forgiveness, he allows himself to get on with his life and yet maintain distance with his parents. I think to truly attain a level of contentedness, we have to takes those things which are hurtful and upsetting and just let them be. Don't let them plague your mind.

It seems like all the frustration and anger we feel have to do with clutching those things which harm so tight that we can't see the damage. Once we realize that those people and situations are what they are, and we can't change that, but we can stop it from affecting us by accepting it as such.

I've always thought that happiness comes from within. Personally, I am happy. I accept and love who I am - both the super and the not-so-super and constantly strive to better myself.

Happiness is inherently self-centered... if you boil anything down far enough, it comes down to how it makes you feel. I think some people believe this is a bad thing, but I do not.

I don't think that happiness is something that can be taught, only realized by the person on an individual basis. And, as has been previously mentioned, it is choices that lead us to have an emotion.

I have....

• Stress of Graduate school
• Mounting Student Loan debt because I am studying internationaly
• thousands (probably, I haven't checked) away from my friends and home that I didn't want to leave
• Serious weight problems
• No relationships with the opposite sex to speak of for probably the last 8 years
• A bad ankle that I twisted the other night

am I happy?

Yes.

Might sound odd and twisted. But I taught myself that almost all of those things are superficial things that can be resolved when the time comes to resolve them. I am creatively and spiritually fullfilled. Despite the fact that when it coems to money I will never have any to speak of, and probably will always be on the edge of the poverty line for the next 10 years I know that it will work out. Despite being so far away from the majority of my loved ones, I know how they are doing and that they are proud of my for accomplishing my goals.

I could do a better list other then negative.

• I am creative and energized in my profession (music)
• I am respected and encouraged at every turn
• I live with my older Brother and his wife which is a very supportive environment
• I have amazing friends and a strong relationshipship (although sometimes annoying) with my Parents
• I have a talent for teaching people about the joy of music allowing me to share my own pleasure in the art
• I have a chair with wheels on it (always wanted one of those)
• I am charismatic and make friends easily

I have goals, I think that's important. I'm working on my Masters in Jazz guitar at one of the absolute top schools in the world to study at. My talent and hard work got me a 4.0 last semester because I am focused on that. It makes me happy, and I feel good about it. I wake up in the morning and for a brief period perhaps somewhere in the day money woes bug me or put some stress on my plate. But I know that will go away, money isn't everything and personal happiness in whatever form is something that should be paramount.

My weight has probably been the only catch that makes me unhappy in any respect. But I beat myself up about it for to long and finally realized that it is what it is and that when I am ready I will remove it from my mindskype.

I think that it's impossible for everyone to be happy all the time. I'm sure that if you look hard enough you'll find happiness if you stop focusing on the fact that you are unhappy. In the end you might not be as unhappy as you think you are.

I am about as far from Happy as I have ever been.

I am actively trying to turn the corner and head back in the right direction, but alas, here I sit.

I have many happy moments; I share experiences with friends, I tell jokes, I listen to music, eat excellent food. On the outside, one would look at me and say "That Ben sure is a great guy, and happy too!"

I think what you are asking for is deep down happy, and I am not.


"Never give up."

I deserve to be happy, and will continue to fight.

Choice is also a factor to being happy. My step-daughter is a very unhappy soul. At 12, she decided that the world was a horrid place and went toward the Goth trend. Now at 15, she is still unhappy and unimpressed by everything. She is slowly getting better with therapy and talks from us. One thing that we told her is that she chooses to be happy or unhappy. It's easier to choose to be unhappy because that is the 'human condition' as some else mentioned. You rarely see 'happy' people around. Plus there is a market for unhappy people...aka Happy Pills.

Choosing to be happy is hard to teach yourself, but it can be done. Some days, I choose to be grumpy and others I choose to be happy. It takes just as much energy to be unhappy as happy, but the unhappy mood fits the "I'm tired and miserable" better than the happy state. When I choose to be happy and get tired I go to sleep. I don't like being unhappy and sleep is my escape.

And for the people who think they can run away from their unhappiness, I will make reference to Breakfast at Tiffany's. You can go whereever you want, but you'll always end up with yourself. My plug for: Happiness comes from within. Be happy with yourself, your choices, and you will eventually be content, which imo is the happiness that is being discussed in this thread.

This is a great post and I happily agree with it!
:)

I'm not a happy person, and by all accounts I should be. I, too, have anything I could ever want; a loving family, home, car, good job, etc. I've tried making the choice to be happy and it doesn't work. I get extremely tired when I try to be a happy person. I do believe that true happiness is when you are happy with yourself, the choices you make, and who you are. Unfortunately, I will never be this way. I guess I have decided that and go on with my life doing what I can to even out the scale of my unhappiness. I have happy moments, but I too feel that I'm waiting, mostly for that other shoe to drop, because it always does.

I am glad that there are people out there that can have more happiness than unhappiness.

I'm also in the "happiness comes from within camp". I had a horrible childhood. Since then, I've been able to make my own choices and have come to the realization that I am responsible for my own happiness. When you're a kid you don't really have any choices. I've also come to the realization that things and people don't necessarily make you happy either. For me, the answer comes down to gratitude. For being healthy, for being in a relationship that I currently find fulfilling, for being in a job that I also am respected at, etc. I find that having gratitude for these small things is what makes my life worth living.

That's really cool. Thanks, I will try this sometime.

I was happy last week and the week before that, during winter break when I can do nothing except what I want, but now school's starting back up and I'm actually not looking forward to it, for once (I usually look forward to it). Dunno, senioritis bit me hard...

The way I see it, happiness is in a moment. Anyone who tells you they're happy all the time is lying to you, but even worse they're lying to themselves first. Nobody goes through life without ever being sad or upset. The vast majority of us just exist between moments, waiting for the next one to make us happy or sad or angry.

And really, were someone constantly happy, I would have to pity them. How can you appreciate joy without pain? The negative provides the contrast, which makes the good times that much better.

Contentment is harder, but it's key.The trick is that what one person needs to be content is ery different from what anyone else needs and that it's rarely what we think we need. Often we don't need anything other than to realize what we have is truly great.

Here's a different spin on things for you Gilda; what if this is the peak for you? What if it doesn't get any better than this and you're likely to spend the next fifty years in a job you love and are successful at, surrounded by people who love and admire you?

A very wise man once told me that when somebody hurts you, there are only two people who are able to fix it. And in the vast majority of the cases, the person who hurt you isn't interested in repairing the damage, maybe not even capable. That means it's up to you to accept it and let go. It's not an easy thing to do; I'm still learning to let go. I'm only now even realizing how much I have to let go of; I have to let go of all the pain my dad caused, the pain my mum caused (which is worse because she gave me a lot of joy and support too), the pain caused by my ex and hardest of all, the pain I've caused myself. None of it is easy.

I'd strongly suggest you use the courage you've shown in facing your social anxieties to look at approaching therapy again. It's not easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.

If you're interested, just now at this moment I'm most definitely not happy. I'm going through a lot of pain right now that's hard for me to deal with. But earlier this afternoon, I went to visit a young girl and her child, who is only just now turning a year old. That little boy made me laugh; playing with him, making faces at him, watching him smile, that made me happy.

I had my contentment. I haven't found it again yet, but I will eventually. It takes time.

I have been faking "happiness" for so long that the people I care about most might actually believe it. That will have to do for them and for me. I refuse to burden people with my concerns, when theirs are no less difficult than mine. Getting through the day is a good day.

A good read is
The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living by the 14th Dalai Lama

About the book:
-----
Our days are numbered. At this very moment, many thousands are born into the world, some destined to live only a few days or weeks, and then tragically succumb to illness or other misfortune. Others are destined to push through to the century mark, perhaps even a bit beyond, and savor every taste life has to offer: triumph, despair, joy, hatred, and love. We never know. But whether we live a day or a century, a central question always remains: What is the purpose of our life?

According to the Dalai Lama, the purpose of
our existence is to seek happiness.

Happiness is our birthright as human beings. There is no doubt that life can be difficult—living in today’s world is not always easy. But despite life’s inevitable problems and challenges, genuine happiness is still possible.

The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living was a groundbreaking collaboration between H.H. the 14th Dalai Lama, and Howard C. Cutler, M.D., a Phoenix-based psychiatrist.

Drawing upon 2500 years of Buddhist wisdom, combined with the latest findings of modern science, and mixed with a healthy dose of common sense, these remarkable volumes offer a practical approach to human happiness—a rational approach that can be practiced by individuals from any background, tradition, or religion.

There are many facets to leading a happy life. It begins by understanding the true and legitimate sources of happiness. The Art of Happiness is based on a few basic premises:
1.
The purpose of life is happiness.
2.
Happiness is determined more by the state of one’s mind than by one’s external conditions, circumstances, or events—at least once one’s basic survival needs are met.
3.
Happiness can be achieved through the systematic training of our hearts and minds, through reshaping our attitudes and outlook.
4.
The key to happiness is in our own hands.


Starting with these fundamental principles, the books continue with an in depth investigation of human happiness. The Art of Happiness offers a variety of techniques to help overcome the destructive mental states that are the source of much of our misery—mental states such as anger, hatred, greed, jealousy, discouragement and fear.

Through the lively conversations between the Dalai Lama and Dr, Cutler recounted in these books, supplemented with engaging stories, case histories, practical exercises and supporting scientific evidence, the books present strategies to deal more effectively with the inevitable problems of daily life.

The idea that the purpose of our existence is to seek happiness seems like common sense, and Western thinkers from Aristotle to William James have agreed with this idea. But isn't a life based on seeking personal happiness by nature self-centered, even self-indulgent? Not necessarily. In fact, survey after survey has shown that it is unhappy people who tend to be most self-focused, even selfish, and are often socially withdrawn, brooding, and even antagonistic.

Happy people, in contrast, are generally found to be more sociable, flexible, creative, more successful in mating, better parents, and are able to tolerate life's daily frustrations more easily than unhappy people. And, most important, they are found to be more loving and forgiving than unhappy people. In fact, scientific evidence has conclusively established an inextricable link between personal happiness and kindness and compassion toward others.

Researchers have devised some interesting experiments demonstrating that happy people exhibit a certain quality of openness, a willingness to reach out and help others. They managed, for instance, to induce a happy mood in a test subject by arranging to have the person unexpectedly find money in a phone booth. Posing as a stranger, one of the experimenters then walked by and "accidentally" dropped a load of papers. The investigators wanted to see whether the subject would stop to help the stranger.

In another scenario, the subjects' spirits were lifted by listening to a comedy album, and then they were approached by someone in need (also in cahoots with the experimenter) wanting to borrow money. The investigators discovered that the subjects who were feeling happy were more likely to help someone or to lend money than another "control group” of individuals who were presented with the same opportunity to help but whose mood had not been boosted ahead of time.

We begin, then, with the basic premise that the purpose of our life is to seek happiness. It is a vision of happiness as a real objective, one that we can take positive steps toward achieving. And as we begin to identify the factors that lead to a happier life, we will learn how the search for happiness offers benefits not only for the individual but for the individual’s family and for society at large as well.

Let me put it this way: I am not unhappy.

I think I have allot more good then bad in my life even though if you add up all my thing and achievements I really don't have squat. The most valuable thing in my life is experience, even the unsavory kind. Not to say that I am giddy day in day out. I think my most common state of mind is that of excitement and curiosity - for everything. I don't chase happyness and I don't run away from the negative.

I don't believe in god
I don't believe in freewill
I don't think mankind is inherently good.
I think the universe is cold
There is no meaning
No afterlife
No purpose
Yes somehow thats cool. Infact perhaps my life would suck if I had all that.
I got life, that's good enough, everything else is gravy.

Vagina is good too, yah...

I'm relatively happy. I'm not worrying about bills, don't need to work right now, have a relatively easy class schedule and I am healthy. I'm kinda lonely, but that's about it.

I'm going to be really bummed when my roommate graduates and moves back to Long Island though. Then I'm not sure how happy I'll be.

I personally consider myself happy. I get stressed out alot, but it never actually pushes me into depression or anything. I have a good relationship, a great record in school, a pretty damn bright future in front of me, God willing, and I'm just in a good place right now.

However, about the aforementioned damn bright future, the only problem is that I'm not sure if I want it or not. Other than that, I can't complain.

Are you saying choosing to be happy doesn't work, or that you tried it and gave up?

Am I happy?

Sometimes. On the whole I'd say that I'm mostly content with the normal ups and downs that everyone has. Happiness never lasts though and I revert to being content with the anticpation of being able to look forward to next time. Without some of the bad things that have happened in my life I most certainly would not be able to appreciate the moments in time when I am happy.

I'm not totally content becuase I can think of a list of ten or so things I could do to further improve myself as a person. A lack of spiritual fulfillment is the largset thing that stands in my way. I think I ask too many questions to ever be content with religon. I'm not planning on stopping but it makes things interesting for sure.

It seems to me to boil down to the saying, "Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you've got."

However, that doesn't address whether what you've got is good for you, you know? And what if you *don't know* if what you've got is good for you, or if you could do/deserve better, or if it could improve...?

I think that lack of surety is the bane of happiness, my happiness anyways. Once I know what I want, I will move heaven and hell to get it (being a very determined person). Even that effort makes me happy and fulfilled, knowing I'm doing everything I possibly can to achieve whatever it is, even if I haven't gotten there yet (hello, daily exercize!).

But not knowing and just floating around in a puddle of indecisiveness is horrible to me. I tend to get obsessive, constantly worrying at issues like a terrier, driving myself and everyone around me insane, until I get a resolution I can live with.
That, and not being able to *do* for others the way I would like. But I can't have tremendous drive for everyone, they have to have it for themselves. I can help them, then.

Huh. My input seems to be more about *un*happiness than happiness. :|

Gilda,

The situation you're in is one which a lot of other people have had to deal with when they've come to the fruitation of their 'Great American Dream'. You have a job, money, religion, security, family...all these things. And yet, to just live day to day as a cog in the system is not enough for you.

I suggest you do something about it. Find a way to travel and see the world and to do meaningful things. Last year, my Mother went on a church sponsored trip to Malawai, Africa with another congregation member for 2 weeks and the experience changed her forever.

Go to Tibet, go to Nepal, go see Mount Everest. Go see the Taj Mahal in India. Take a trip to Europe, to Japan. Break out of the bubble and go on an adventure--you've grown as much as you can in the current bubble you're in. Nothing says you have to stay there, if you're not happy.

These kinds of 'adventures' are not something that only 'other people' do. If you can dare yourself to have the courage to embark upon such a challenge, you will find in the end you will have gained wisdom, experience, and friendships in capacity you didn't even know existed. You will also find a new inner peace and confidence because you dared to do something extraordinary and you not only did it, but you enjoyed it every step of the way.

That's what I did at 19 years old wanting to get out of College and not wanting to take a semester off. I went to Japan. Trust me, it works =)

Hell yeah I'm happy.

I have a wonderful girlfriend, cool friends, loving family, a steady job, a home, food in my stomach, broadband, just enough money in my bank account, a friend recently diagnosed the problem with my computer, newegg has shipped my new motherboard and come Wednesday I expect it to arrive.

Life is good.

Kangaeru, I like that line of thought. Travel also (depending on where one goes) can *really* bring home to you (a general you, not directed at anyone) what you do have, and see if maybe you've been taking a few things for granted.

As an aside, I am also of the opinion that travel can bring folks together...I know that if I can travel with a partner, or a friend, we really do get along. When stewpid Air France lost Jack's luggage, he had to go on the trip of a lifetime without anything but what what on his back and in his carry-on (cameras and equipment!). I witnessed his behavior the entire time, and I was very highly impressed with how he dealt with the situation the entire time. My respect for him grew so much.

as I read more and more posts.... I'm wondering, maybe the word you are looking for is "satisfied" and not happy.

I am definitively *not* satisfied, and this leads me to many late nights after Martel has gone to sleep laying in bed and being unhappy. Would I say I'm not happy? NO- I have a wonderful husband who makes me the happiest woman on earth. But everything else about my life is annoying the hell out of me right now, and I'm in the middle of finding enough courage and stregnth to DO something about that.

No, most of the time I am not happy these days. The vast majority of the unhappiness comes from two things. I am almost always bored since the company doesn't have enough work to go around. The last time I worked was a week and a half ago. Plenty of people would think this is the greatest thing ever since the pay is still there, but having nothing to do all the time is depressing. This means little contact with other people, which itself is the other thing causing unhappiness. I don't have many friends out here in this new city and no women in the picture at all. Needless to say, this is pretty depressing.

It's quite the turn-about from school when I was always happy. I had a few wonderful jobs, great friends who I saw every day, and even though I had only one girlfriend for a few months, I don't recall any point when I was depressed.

However, I am relatively satisfied since I have a job I love (when I work), a family whom I get along with great, good friends (even if they're 1000 miles away), and no true worries in my life. I have it pretty good, I'm just not "happy".

No. I'm not. I love my job, but I'm not happy with it. I had a great boyfriend until he had a psychological break about 28 hours ago, but I wasn't all that happy with him either, no matter how hard I tried. I have a master's degree, liveable salary, a vehicle that runs, a cat that loves me and a family that (as wacked out as they are) love me, too. I'm so unhappy at this point today that I've felt like I want to vomit for the past two days. Are we ever really happy? Isn't that what makes us strive for "more" in our lives?

i think happiness is a choice in part. by no means am i saying that outside environs have no affect on us, but more and more trying to be optimistic about even the bad stuff can prove helpful in overcoming anything. Without the bad, the good would not exist, and with that i think a lot of what i hear is the bad that will later lead to the good. I think Gilda is learning about life and what it can do for her or against her. i think "jth" has him/herself figured out and if they can hold on to it, we can learn a lot.

Thank you for sharing. The concensus seems to be happiness comes from within.

That won't really help me be a happier person, but it does help me with some insight into why I'm not, which I suppose is a step in the right directions.

I don't want to just make this all about me and my problems, which obviously are small compared to what many people have. At the same time, I don't want to ignore those who have responded directly to me or asked for clarification after starting this thread.


I know there will be good moments and bad moments. I know that there are going to be times when some guy will try to cop a feel, pinch me in the ass, try to force me to kiss him, students who are going to be rude to me, supervisors who drop in unexpectedly to observe a class session, homophobic assholes dating my sister. Life is full of disappointments and low points and there's no way to eliminate them completely. The best we can do is minimize risks and avoid those unpleasant situations as much as possible. I get that.

What I'm talking about is the times in between the good moments and the bad moments, when I'm not actively involved in an activity that I enjoy or an activity that I dislike. In those moments, my mood tends more one of . . . I don't know, emptiness, as if there's still something missing. I just can't figure out why I end up in that place more or less by default when I'm not otherwise engaged. Many here are saying it's because happiness comes from within, so I suppose that means that I just don't have it in me to be happy in the absense of some external stimulus, like the people I love, my job, a good movie.

I'd strongly disagree that negative emotions should be savored.

That's the point. Being in this situation should make me happy (content, satisfied) with my life, but it doesn't, and if this is the best my life will ever be, and this doesn't make me happy, that means I'll never be happy with my life.

I accept that what my uncle and my former boyfriends did to me can't be undone and that they wouldn't want to even if they could. It's my own moral failures that I can't let go of, and wouldn't want to, as I don't want to repeat them. They keep me grounded and focused on doing the right thing.

My relationship with my parents is still salvageable. They're both smart people, eventually they may realize that my sexuality isn't about them and has nothing to do with our relationship. I can't just discard a relationship that's so important to me, just because it doesn't bring me anything good. While they're still alive, there's still a chance, a hope that they'll see that I'm a good person.

While I appreciate the compliment, I don't think I've shown any courage. I know I need to get therapy, but . . . it means starting over, going back through all that pain I had to dig through with my old therapist, the months of learning to trust a new a person.

It's much, much more difficult to talk about this stuff with a person in real life than on an anonymous message board.

I had several good moments today also. Maybe I should just accept that good moments is all I get to have and stop expecting there to be more.

kangerau: I do like traveling, but theme parks are about as adventurous as I'm really comfortable with. Thank you for the suggestion, though, maybe someday in the future when I've got things more together.

Ratbastid: I checked your link, thank you for providing it. Unfortunately, the nearest seminar is halfway across the state and the only one scheduled for the next six months conflicts with my job.

I'll try to refrain from posting threads about my personal problems in the future; I don't want to impose too much on the people here for what I should really be doing in therapy.

Gilda

Here's a question -- the word happy is being thrown about- and I'm still convinced that it's really satisfaction that is more appropriate but for sake of argument -- what really is happiness -- what's that word mean?

There's a line in that silly tv series Sex and the City which seems appropriate here... You are Shoulding all over yourself... Should is a disease that plagues a lot of people -- you should do this and you shoudl do that... (my mother tells me that at my age I should own a house, have a husband and children and stop travelling here and there) You think you SHOULD be happy because you have so much... Should is an internal form of peer pressure that seems to tell us all the things that we are doing wrong - instead of reminding ourselves of the things that are right...

Would the world stop spinning on its axis if you weren't happy every waking moment... you are allowed bad days - everyone has them...

I'm glad you haven't given up hope on your parents... and this is NONE OF MY BUSINESS-but honestly, woman, if they can't see that you are a good person and see all that you've accomplished in your life... and the respect that somany have for you- then they aren't very smart.. and it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM... Don't let their closemindedness get to you -- They made the choice... I hope that they do change their mind and they they will be sorry for the lost time... But in the here and now there are many more people who accept you for who you are...

Theme parks overseas. There are numbers of them growing in rank each year. Japan has some amazing ones that I'm looking forward to riding. I still have yet to ride my first European coaster, we missed the season in Spain least time we were there, but we're sure to go next time we're going to be in Madrid.

Happiness is somewhat inherent, it can also be 'learned'.... it may not nessasarily be a choice... but i think it's something one can come to a place where everything 'clicks' and there is both hope and joy to be found in each day.

My happiness comes from the fact that i'm sick... i'm not terminally sick, but Tietze's Syndrome something i've been diagnosed with since i was 14, it's painful and uncurable at this time in medicine... but i'm okay with that, because it's helped me learn to be happy...

While what i have is not terminal... it does mean that my body is weak, and i've understood for a long time how precious life is, how vulnerable we humans are... and that has been my gift. My life may be cut short, and i could despair over this, but i've learned not too... because i've discovered this simple truth so young in my life, that each moment of joy is worth a million moments... because it may be my last. And i'm not just saying that to be dramatic...

I understood this when my uncle died of a rare disease at 34, i understood this when my friend's child died at the age of 2, barely having begun life....

Life is fragile... We don't have time to waste being unhappy or focusing on only negative things... we only have time to reach out and find the joy we've been searching for.

Any one of our lives could end tomorrow... if you understand that fact... would you still be bothering over the things that cause you unhappiness?

If you knew you would die tomorrow... you would be out there, looking for every second of joy, love and giving you could find.... wouldn't you? There would be no unsolved emotional business, no holding unnessasary anger... there would only be you seeking to live the best day possible....

Everyone thinks that their lives will go on as planned and they will die at 85... it doesn't work like that, if it's one thing i've learned in life... it's that things never go according to plan, so it's our own personal journey to learn how to find the positive in each day... TODAY... tomorrow will take care of itself, Live your joy today.

sweetpea

Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Those are awfully high standards to hold for oneself on a daily basis. I strive to feel "normal," I suppose, and be satisfied with that, I guess? I've been pondering over this question for the past few days, unsure of how to respond. As with many, what will come out is a rush of unconnected thoughts...

I am happy in moments. I have had more happy than unhappy moments of late, mostly because of my recent trip to Lebanon with my ktspktsp :icare: which was the highlight of my last 12 months, maybe longer. I think that has kicked up my "happy meter" for an extended period..

But I know that it will run out, and come back down to "normal." And I am becoming okay with that, after spending much of my life seeking after some sense of "ultimate happiness" 24-7. Religion did it for me, for a long time.. it didn't make me happy, but the idea of a God who loved me unconditionally, who held me when I cried, was crucial to my mental health as a teenager. After many years, though, the thought was no longer comforting, it was disturbing in that it required me to surrender my rational thought. So I let go of that form of "happiness."

For me now, normal is just getting through the day, having some nice conversations with people I care about and/or care about me, maybe having some intellectual stimulation from my work and physical challenge from a workout.

If I miss any of these things, then my "normal" meter runs down.. and Gilda, for me too, this often happens at night, before sleeping. My sad thoughts creep in then, and it's hard for me to fend them off. But often I just let them be, let myself feel sad, and let myself fall asleep eventually. Sometimes I cry.. probably once a week on average. That is part of my being normal, I believe. It doesn't mean I am "happy," but it means I am coping with some form of stress in my life, which is better than blocking it. (TFP is a part of this late-night coping, too!) :)

I know I will always have stress in my life. I know that whether or not I finish my PhD, whether or not ktspktsp and I stay together, whether or not the loved ones in my life live until they are 90 years old or they are taken from me at a much younger age... well, somehow, I have to be okay with any or all of those situations not working out. So I guess "normality" comes from within, a stability that I long to have. And "happiness" I really love, when I can get it... but I don't expect it every day anymore, at least not at the same level that I used to. (Does that mean I am jaded?.. someone else should answer that for me, I guess.)

See my signature for a more concise statement on my philosophy.. :)

Going out on a limb here and hoping to dodge a self-induced reality check, I'll say that I am happy and when I'm not, I tell myself I am and try my best to believe it. I call it the "ostrich approach" to my own happiness and it's been a sucess so far. I figure if I can get through the day without realizing that I'm NOT happy, I'm doing OK. And actually, I think I really am a happy person, generally, as there aren't many days that I find myself not wanting to reflect on. I'm constantly working to make myself and my life better, so I'm not incredibly concerned (at this point) about delving into and dissecting the bad days. I'd also like to strongly disagree that negative emotions should be savored. Noted or acknowledged, yes, but savored and dissected, not unless circumstance specifically calls for it. I find that anything more on a regular basis brings me down to very low levels that I'm only rarely at (and usually induced by a specific blow). I hope I articulated that as an accurate representation of what really goes on in my head and how my logic works.

To touch on the satisfied question: Am I satisfied? Rarely. Always room for improvement, if not in my life situations, then within myself. Constantly aware of things that need to be changed and constantly working on those things. A bit of a compulsion, but I think that being able to look back on the things that I have accomplished with satisfaction helps keep me happy. See paragraph one.

It really IS all a journey and we each are the center of our own individual universe.

Wow, Biscuit Buns is beautiful and very intelligent.

I completely agree in regards to negative emotions. You can't deny them, but it does little good to dwell on them in any fashion. Unfortunately, this is often easier said than done.

I've said this before, but I think negative emotions get a bad rap.

I'm not saying you should embrace the darker emotions unconditionally, but they can serve a purpose. It's what you choose to do with them that matters. The emotions themselves aren't inherently 'bad' (there are no 'bad' emotions, in my opinion, just emotion...). Hate, anger, fear....they should be seen as tools.They are the means to an end. If the end result is something positive, does it really matter what side of the spectrum the emotion driving it falls on?

So...is there something wrong with you? Is there some piece missing? I don't think so. You're just normal.

Exactly why I was saying that negative emotions need to be savored. You may be using other more common meanings, but the less common definition should suffice:

savor: To appreciate fully

Good call, Cyn. I think the misunderstanding here is that "savor" means "to dwell on, cling to, obsess over." I think that's a bad thing to do with "negative" emotions, sure. But I think negative emotions should be appreciated for what they are, as guthmund said... they are emotions, period. Which is what makes them valid in themselves, if you ask me.

Hmm. I was interpreting "savor" as meaning "to take deliberate pleasure from" which seems to me to be the opposite of my intent. I'm trying to process the rest of what's been written here, and I'd like to respond, but unfortunately I don't have the time tonight, sorry about that. I'll try to get to it when I can this weekend sometime.

Gilda

Gilda, exactly my thoughts on the concept of "savor."

I'm entirely too dependent on Google... Web definition of "savor." enjoy: derive or receive pleasure from; get enjoyment from; take pleasure in; "She relished her fame and basked in her glory" -from wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

I'm not saying that we shouldn't acknowledge our negative emotions at all, but in an attempt to keep things in balance or keep ourselves in an enjoyable (or, Hell, even passable) place in our lives, we can't always dissect these emotions AS they arrive, EVERY time they arrive. I call it, "getting on with my life."

Normally one cannot. It's just not possible because usually negative emotions are much more overwhelming than positive ones.

But we do look back, on the hardships we have had in life, and it's at those times, we do savor both sides. The fact that we no longer have to feel those negative emotions, and then to lean on the positive ones and savor and relish those even more.

I've reached the opinion that only stupid people can be happy. There's too many things wrong in the world for anyone with any intelligence to have lasting happiness. So I (as someone who consideres himself to have some intelligence) gave up on lasting happiness a long time ago. Sometimes I think I might've made the wrong choice, but I can't go back. I just don't see happiness being in the picture; happiness is a final state, it means you are content with things. I'll be happy when I'm dead. Until then, there's always something that can be improved/changed/accomplished.

I don't mean to sound crude or offensive, but its probably because you went to Japan and got laid lots by hot foreign women. At 19 years old, that's probably the subconcious reason for going to Japan? :D

That is a wonderful perspective. I have been told it before, of course, but the daily vicissitudes of life really make you lose the big picture, and only focus on stressing on the little picture.

Will I find happiness once I lose my virginity with a woman I find attractive? I better stop stressing about it, find joy today, or at least the pursuit of my joy today, and stop stressing about the past or the future -- the "should have's" and "should's".

Thanks sweatpea!

I think happiness can also be found in helping others, bringing joy [and happiness] to them for however short a time you can.

Accomplishments that have brought happiness unto others are more important to look back on and feel happy yourself on than accomlishments that have only served yourself.

Right now I've done much of only the latter. I need to work on the former alot more. Community service here I come!!

So perhaps the question is:

1) Is happiness the constant pursuit of your goals (which will in turn give you feelting happiness which quickly turns into satisfaction only), but most importantly, to pursue *new* goals once the old ones have been reached?

2) Or is hapiness the result of completing your goals? (hence the pursuit could be unhappy or happy).



Gilda, your original post implies that you have run out of goals.

Based on Theorem 1, you feel 'satisfaction' rather than happiness because you *feel* you have no more goals to pursue, and since happiness is derived from the pursuit of goals but not the end result itself, you feel not happy but only satisfied.

The problem then would be you need to find new goals.


Based on theorem 2, since you have already acommplished so many of your goals, you should already be happy. But you're not. So Thm 2 is false and that, at least for you, happiness is derived from the pursuit of goals (those things which you *think* will bring you *lasting* happiness but which only bring you momentary happiness and then turn into only satisfaction).


So assuming Thm 1 is correct, that happiness is mainly from the pursuit of goals, why do we get so stressed (or 'negative emotions') when we are pursuing our goals? I think stress is an indicator that reminds us that our pursuit is slowing down, and stress make us get our be-hinds in gear and achieve our goal(s).

We mistakenly *think* that achieving goals yields us happiness, but then we are puzzled when we only feel satisfied. So we reach for newer goals. And so on. We must reach our goals ASAP.

So I believe I cannot conclude that happiness is solely derived from the pursuit of goals. Rather, it is also directly proportional to the rate of change of finding new pursuits of goals (higher your rate of -completing- your old goals and -finding- new goals, the more happy you are).

I guess an analogy would be that happiness is most like velocity and acceleration: happiness derived from pursuit of goals is velocity, happiness derived from the completion of goals is like acceleration. Like, how when a pendulum swings back and forth, stopping at the two extremes of its swing. At those points max distance has been reached (aka the Goal), velocity is 0 (ie no more happiness derived from pursuit), acceleration is max (ie happiness derived from goal completion is maxed).

At the midpoint of the swing, velocity is maxed (pursuit happiness maxed), acceleration is 0 (goal happiness is 0, you haven't reached your goal at all at this point!).

I guess pursuit happiness can also be called happiness derived from anticipation.

Anyways, right now you are like a pendulum stuck on the extreme end. Happiness derived from goal completion is short-lived and quickly turns into satisfaction, as postulated above. So right now you are maxed with goal happiness but really that has become goal satisfaction. But you also have 0 velocity and thus 0 pursuit happiness, the main component of happiness. You need to unhook yourself from the end, get the pendulum back swinging, so to speak.


After typing that all down, I think I also know why I can't get laid now.

Maybe you should head to Japan? :thumbsup:

Hence the saying,"Ignorance is Bliss."

Is there a possibility that there is such a thing as happiness, and that it is found somewhere where you don't want or choose not to find it?

Is there a possibility that happiness is at the tips of your fingers and it's so close you can taste it, but you reject it anyway because you'd rather look in vain for it somewhere where you think it might be, but deep down know it is not?

I don't think so, its just being able to not be a sour puss :lol:

Right now someone just found out their child is dying, right now someone is getting raped, right now someone is thinking of suicide, right now someone is starving, right now someone is thinking they should vote democrat, but the trick in life is not dwelling on others pain to the point that you can't feel pleasure yourself. Feeling bad for other people does nothing for them, and only makes you feel bad.

We are all going to die, perhaps if we were born 300 years later we might have found immortality, but its going to come to late for us, so we might as well enjoy ourselves.

First, do what makes you happy, don't worry about others being happy, then once you are happy you can tackle some of the worlds issues without it making you an emotional wreck.

dammit why did you have to quote Van Halen... and dammit.. now I want a Pepsi.

If it makes you feel better I wasn't thinking of Van Halen, and giving them credit for the term 'right now' is just way over the top.

....I was drinking pepsi when I wrote that so maybe its a conspiracy...hmmmm...

I must disagree. My sister is a genius, literally, and is generally happy with her life. Though I've not met a wide range of people, I've never seen anyone who enjoys life more than she does.

Gilda

The only people who can't be happy or content are those who either have a chemical imbalance in their brain, or who choose not to. It's not about being stupid or ignorant, it's about a state of mind.

I thought I had posted on this thread already though I don't see one so...

I am Haaaaaaaapppppppyyyyy! My life is getting more stressful (as I move toward graduating and getting a real job) and I want a girlfriend but there's always something to work toward and I don't let that stop me from being happy. :D

Sissy's "diagnosis" (as much as you can call a sophomore pre-med student's opinion a diagnosis) is the chemical imbalance thing.

She says I'm showing all of the textbook symptoms of a seratonin deficiency: depression, insomnia, shyness, anxiety, and mild symptoms of ocd. She's been pushing me to see a doctor about getting an SSRI anti-depressant. I really don't want to do that. I'm can't help but think that maybe the wrong parts of my personality will be altered. What if it's the good stuff that changes, instead of the bad stuff that I want fixed? For example the very mild OCD stuff, while a little annoying to Sissy and Grace, is actually more beneficial than harmful. A little obsessive neatness and organization means a household that is always neat, clean, well-arranged, and organized, and various other benefits. I'd consider losing that a big negative.

But more than that, I can't help but think that if these drugs can alter my personality, what if I'm no longer me on the drugs? If I'm just getting happiness out of a pill, is that really happiness, or just a drug-induced illusion?

Grace says they don't work that way, and they both tried to explain the specific mechanism, which still doesn't make them seem completely safe to me.

Well, I've hit my professional goal for the most part. I suppose I could set my sights on full professor, or getting tenure, but those things seem like small things at this point compared to just getting to where I am. I'm far more worried about losing what I currently have than I am about moving forward.

So in that sense, I have goals. Don't screw up and lose my job. Don't hurt my family. Get my arm healed, or as much as it can be.

My big goal right now, though, is to try to figure out how to enjoy this more. I have everything I've ever wanted, or at least everything I've ever wanted that it's possible for me to have. I can't have children, and I can't fix the moral failures of my past. Those things, as much I'd like to fix them, are beyond the possibility of repair. So, again, it comes down to learning how to be happy, content, satisfied, or whatever word you want to use for that, with what I have and try to preserve that for as long as I can. I think that's a worthy goal. I just don't know what to do to get from here to there.

Gilda

Happy? Hum. Interesting concept. Am I happy? On somedays. I have never been a highly emotional person. I am incredably closed off. Even those people that I would willingly and knowingly damn myself to take care of don't truely know everything about me. They don't need to. They know that I am willing to sell my soul to take care of them if I have to, and that is enough. I don't see near enough of them these days. It's been over a year sense I've had a chance to lay eyes on them face to face. Happiness is a mixture of things. I am fairly unhappy a lot, but I am aware of the reasons, as such, it's simple to deal with. Just suck it up and move on untill the time which I can change these factors. If you are feeling unhappy, you have to take a look, not at the things you have so much, but in what ordr you rank them, how they interact with each other, and what it is that is missing. Could be something as simple as a challenge in your life. Maybe that fear that with having everything you want, if one thing goes wrong, it will chain react and you will lose everything. Could simply be bordom. That is not an insult to your friends and loved ones at all. That they are there is a good thing, and something to be thankful for, but sometimes, you find, as I did years ago, that even though they are importent to you, you are at a point in your life where you are stagnating. No new challenges to over come, no risks to take, no chance to feel alive and stand on your own against your own future. Think hard about it. You might be surprised at the things that come across your mind.

I disagree-ignorance is a state of mind. And note I said lasting happiness. I sometimes find myself able to have temporary happiness, but it's at times when I am able to escape from the real world (usually through some mental diversion/opiate, like watching TV or playing some game). But when I picture myself down the road, I know that until I die, I will always be driven to do more, because there's always more to be done.

- There is bad and there is good in the world. A child dies a child is born. Love is lost because love was won.

- Happiness by nature does not last. It's a chemical process in one's brain. The cognitive state is being content or calm which is not quite the same but comprable.

- Happiness is not found in the past or the future but in the only moment we actually exist - which is now. So it's not a final state, it's the current state.

- You make goals sound like a bad thing. The jurney is part of the adventure, without it our destinations would be meaningless.

If one achieves everything one wanted to perfection. One would be so very bored.

Ok, yah I know, allot of half-full mumbo jumbo but I believe it. It's the existentialist in me. :cool:



Guilda, it sounds clinical but I am no doc. Does your therapist recomend drugs?

Not really; no.

I seem to recall being happy as a child, but past about 6th grade... I'm just not sure. I know I've had happy times, but that's about it. I honestly have no idea what would "allow" me to be happy... I think I'm getting to the point where I'd settle for 'content'.

Gilda, as far as I know, SSRI treatment is not "permanent" in any way. You can try a pill and see how it works, and if you don't like its effects on your personality (hell, you might REALLY like its effects, think about the positive!), you can get off them.

I have not tried SSRI's yet, though I am completely open to trying them if I get to a point of being perpetually depressed again sometime in the near future. Two of my closest friends are on them, as well as both of my parents, and I think it makes them MORE able to be themselves as a result.. it certainly doesn't take away anything from their personalities (and I know these four people pretty damn well, from before and after the meds!). And if they wanted to go off them, well I'm sure their doctor would arrange that for them.

I highly recommend at least giving the SSRI's (in combination with therapy) a decent try. And remember there isn't just one pill for everyone... there are a few you can try to see which one works (similiar to birth control, I guess).

Heh. Every gynecologist I've had in the past five years has tried to get me on some kind of hormonal birth control to regulate my period, which is very irregular with severe PMS pretty much every cycle. But it seems foolish to me to mess with nature unless its absolutely necessary. It's not like its my arm, which is a physical problem that requires medical attention. This is my mind, and I can't help but be reluctant to try what amounts to a prescription recreational drug.

I think maybe I just need to admit defeat and go back into therapy. Maybe I'm just not capable of doing this by myself.

Gilda

Two things:
1) Your first sentence depends on what you think is "absolutely necessary." If I had nasty PMS every month, I'd probably consider that "absolutely necessary" to take care of, simply for the normal life I'd like to have on those days of the month. It's a quality of life question, depending on what you want. Do you get any enjoyment out of those days of PMS? Do you get any enjoyment out of not being happy? Believe me, I am an advocate of learning from one's suffering and not being a cop-out on life. I'm just not that much into subjecting myself to pain on a regular basis, if it can be treated.

2) In saying "it's not like my arm, it's my mind," you seem to be engaging in the very old and Western idea of a mind-body dichotomy. That is, assuming that there is no link between the two. Gilda, remember that your mind is run by your brain, which IS a part of your body (last I checked?)! :) I don't mean to make fun, but to emphasize to you that your mind is VERY much a physical entity, and that very often this is what causes mood/personality issues for people (the actual chemical basis of mental processes). If you value your mind as much as you value your arm, I still recommend you at least try some SSRI's or something related, after talking with your doctor.

Again, my opinion. But I have just seen too many cases similar to yours to come to any other conclusions. As I said, I have been in therapy for going on three years now and I would still give SSRI's a try if therapy wasn't enough. Some things are really NOT all in your head.

Please let us know how therapy goes. I am sure a large number of TFP'ers have done it, and are still doing it. I, for one, support you! :)

you know this but i am going to tell you anyhow... Admitting that you need some help is the furthest thing from defeat... anything to make you feel like the person that everyone else sees is a positive step - We'll have none of this defeat talk... :hmm: seriously...

you are capable of doing anything... but maybe, just maybe you need a little help, and that help is a positive thing...

I agree with Mal. Admitting that you need help is not a sign of defeat, it is a sign of strength. It's admitting that you have some things to work on and you want to use the resources available for help. Therapy is there for a reason and you shouldn't not be feeling defeated. If that will make you a stronger person and a happier, more content person go for it.

I'm not happy, nor sad. I can't think of any terms that properly express how I feel about the status of my life. Happy and sad are relative, higher or lower than my "normal" state. I don't endeavor to be "happy". I can't always feel better than I usually am because that means happy has become the median, the norm. I feel many things when I reflect on my life and what i've accomplished- joy, pride, regret, anger, embarrasment, shame, satisfaction.

In my life I now seek out things that give me pleasure, excitement, danger, challenge me, or make me afraid. They have value- whether economic, emotional, or for my inner self. I don't believe in the goal of safety- if I stay somewhere safe and comfortable I will stagnate. Once you stop taking risks you lose out on potential benefit. It doesn't mean I don't see the value in safety or comfort, just that it should be moderated. Protect the ones you love. Feel the comfort and safety of those you can trust; and also risk yourself by trusting them.

The best thing I believe I can do in my life is to take risks, to keep moving forward. Learn new things, and live up to the principles I believe in. To better my life, and the lives of those around me, that is the "happiness" I have found.

I have no idea how to go about finding a psychiatrist--my previous therapist was the psychotherapist specializing in sexuality who was treating Sissy at the onset of her transition, and she's not in therapy any longer, so I can't just go see hers, and these aren't sexuality related issues that I'm dealing with any more. I mean, they are, in that much of what's going on with emotionally probably stems from sexual and physical abuse, and from my parents rejection of me due to my sexuality, and my inability to deal with those things myself.

But . . . ok, I'm not sure if these are sexuality issues, or just personality issues stemming from the sexuality stuff.

I don't know, it seems like it would be silly to just go into a therapist and say, "I'm not happy and I don't know why." Even though I just did that here.

Even though Grace assures me that money isn't an issue, I can't help but be aware that a psychiatrist costs a lot more than a psychotherapist with a masters degree, about double actually. But a psychotherapist or psychologist can't prescribe medications that I might be needing sometime in the distant future, after I've given this another chance. I'd hate to need that prescription sometime down the road and then have to switch therapists because I made the wrong choice to begin with. Then again, maybe that is a good way to go, because if I do need the medicatiions that might be a good indicator that the therapy didn't work, and I should switch.

Well, I really didn't mean to go off on that as a tangent, but no, of course not. Migranes, cramps, unfocused anxiety, sudden crying spells, unipolar depression (why can't I at least get the bipolar kind; at least then I'd get some good from it) and fatigue are not pleasant things. But it's only one or two days ever 26 to 38 days depending on how long my cycle is that month. The accupressure massages Grace gives are a nice compensation though, I do like those, a lot.

I get that. However, I'm not sujecting myself to those things, they're just my body's natural way of doing things. It also seems like an extreme solution for a minor problem. I'm not having sex with men, and I'm sterile anyway, so taking hormonal birth control just for the side effects seems like overkill. And there's that long list of potential side effects for not much gain.

What I meant was that my arm is a physical problem. The physical problem can be observed, and measured, and with a skilled enough surgical team, fixed, nearly entirely without my having to be involved in it except to do the physical therapy, and even that's an observable, measurable thing. And my arm was the result of an injury, repairing it is just putting it back the way it was before the injury.

It's hard not to think that maybe the part of me that they'll change is the part of me that makes it so that I'm a good teacher or a caring lover or the part of me that was able to be there for Sissy back when she still needed me, or some other part of me that I like. Like the obsessive cleanliness and order. That's actually a pretty nice benefit that I wouldn't want to lose, and that's one of the things, OCD or symptoms thereof, that these drugs are supposed to "treat".

I don't want to be my mother. I don't want to lose myself in a haze of pills to make me happy, put me to sleep, fix my anxiety, and alcohol to numb the pain when none of that proved anything but a temporary fix. I realize that she has the distinct disadvantage of living with my father, but still.

I'd like to try just the therapy first. If this is a physical/chemical brian thing that was caused by my being depressed, maybe it can be fixed by fixing the depression/anxiety/insomnia.

I'll talk to Grace about finding me a new therapist, and talk to her/him. I wouldn't know how to do it on my own, and she does work at the University medical center. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd be better off seeing someone not in any way affiliated with the university. I don't want to hurt my reputation.

God, even once I've made the decision, it doesn't get any easier, it just gives me ten new decisions to make, ten new things to worry about. At some point this has to get easier, doesn't it? Yeah, I know it doesn't, it's just the nature of life, but it's a nice fantasy to escape into once in a while.

Thank you for your feedback, it's been very helpful.

Gilda

Good for you, and I mean that sincerely. I'm glad to hear from those for whom this works.

But you also eliminate the consequences. It's a balance of potential benefit and potential harm. If the potential for harm is greater than the potential for benefit, it makes sense, to me anyway, to not take the risk.

Again, good for you. If that's what brings you joy, go for it.

Personally, I don't think it's possible to be too safe or too comfortable. That feeling of safety and comfort is exactly what I'm looking for right now.

I don't get this. There's no risk involved here, at least not for me. I trust Grace absolutely, and I trust Sissy not to intentionally hurt me. I say intentionall, because I know she definitely will hurt me. She grows more independent by the day, she's actually reached the point where I she doesn't need me any more. Some day she'll get married or go to med school and she'll leave, and because I'm so emotionally invested in her as a person, that's going to hurt me, event though it's exactly what I want for her, to not need me any more. Damn, that makes no sense.

Glad to hear it. I'm not one of those for whom taking risks is a source of satisfaction, but for those for whom it is, I applaud you.

Gilda

I agree with this entirely.

This part, not at all. For example, one of my goals is not to screw up the good stuff in my life and lose that while I'm trying to fix the bad stuff. Don't lose my job or alienate my family, and learn to be happy with what I have.

If I could achieve those goals, being bored wouldn't be a concern.

I'm not currently in therapy. I lost my therapist when I moved, and haven't gone back. I've decided to do so again, but I'm not sure how to proceed from here.

maleficent: Thank you. I'll try to keep that in mind.

shesus: Maybe I shouldn't feel defeated, but I do. Just like I don't feel content with my life, even though I should.

And thank you everyone for the advice and for sharing. At least it's helped me to make a hard decision. Now comes the really hard part, acting on that.

Gilda

To me, the greatest risks I take are emotional risks. I have a hard time trusting others and feel very uncomfortable if I have to depend on another. Most of these people have never given me any reason to doubt, but being "safe and comfortable" to me would mean never opening up to another person so they can't hurt me if I relied on their help. Overcoming that fear is a sense of pride and joy, as well as realizing I can depend on these people.

Your trust is a wonderful thing, and I think it's great that you have enough emotional strength to completely trust another. That there is such a huge gap that you can't make sense of my statement shows how strong you are.

As for taking risks, of course you need to figure out what the risk is, how big it is, and the chance of failure, while weighing it against the potential benefit you might get if you succeed. Sometimes just making the decision to risk yourself is the success. But not taking any risks at all means you stay where you are, never growing or changing.

There's that word again... Stop worrying so much about what you SHOULD feel instead focus on what wouold make you content... which I think is a much better choice of words than happy, by the way. Focusing on what should happen will drive a person crazy... we all should do certain things...

you can do whatever you put your mind to... you attended several parties this past holiday season that you didn't think you'd otherwise be able to... you found it somewhere inside you to do it... and not to sound shallow, but you looked amazing int he process... and not to sound shallow again, but if a source of strength for you is to buy yourself a new therapy dress... and go to therapy in that dress... well - it's a perfectly valid reason to shop...

Wow a lot to say in total, but I guess I can begin here. In the Mishna (A book by great rabbi’s dating back 2000 years ago) more specifically Perkai avos, which has great guide to life and how to live, it says, the key to happiness is being content. I have to fully agree with that.

I think that to be a person to learn, and grow you cannot always be happy you have to experience everything in life. But I consider myself overall happy. How can I not I wake up every morning, I am healthy, I can pay my bills, I have my wife (few can find a loving partner and I consider myself lucky, and I have friends. And I mean that, most people do not realize that a true friend is one who is there for you always, who will at a drop of a hat come to your side to help you. If you have 5 true friends in your life you are a rich person in my book!

I think you need to analyze what you desire; what you are not content with; and come to terms with that. I hope this helps, but this is at least my viewpoint in life (admittedly guided by several rabbinical guide points that have really helped expand my understanding on this concept).

Also have to realize that happiness is not a constant emotion, it is more about your general state. But I would not think am I happy am I not, I would overall just live life, after thinking about it (I know easier said then done).

I wish you the best in this.

I don't know. I think I am.

Last night at work, I just felt like shit. I clocked out for "lunch" and went outside to cry. For no particular reason.

All I want to do is sleep.

But I think I am still happy. It doesn't really make any sense.

I'm probably one of the happiest people you'll find. Things don't always go my way but that doesn't get to me. It's not like I've had a life that most would consider as being condusive to happiness, I was kidnapped when I was five and spent two weeks being abused in every way a person can be, my Dad was a dirty cop who got busted for armed robbery which led to the discovery that he had been selling drugs as well, we were dirt poor, I didn't sleep in a bed till I was about 14, one of my closest friends was murdered in front of me because he refused to hand over the key to his house to some punks, anyway the list goes on. I believe that our environment can only influence our state of mind to the extent that we allow it to. I am in charge of my emotions, not the other way around.

I wish you strength and success in you own quest for happiness.

This sounds a lot like depression to me, especially the sleeping business.

I think one can be an overall happy person, but have something bothering one that brings you down (hopefully) temporarily. It's important to apply oneself to discovering the root cause of why you are going through the period of unhappiness (or depression, or whatever is best to call it), and then do something about it.
Don't waste time telling yourself you shouldn't be unhappy, and that it's stupid, denying it, or whatever. Obviously you *are* feeling something, and that in and of itself is not a matter for judgement. It just is.
The following is kinda sorta my plan of action. I haven't gotten to the end yet, but this is what I'm trying to work with.

Identify what it is you want (as Gilda is doing here): Peace? Happiness? Contentment?

Evaluate if what you want is realistic or not. I guess a counselor of some sort may be able to help here.

Identify what it is standing between you and that: A lack of passion? Fun? Money? Whatever. Is it external or internal? I think it's usually internal.

Create a Plan of Attack (and by use of the word Attack, i mean be really proactive about it) to get it.

I think that for me at least, once I get the the Plan of Attack stage, I'm much better off.

By the way Gilda (and others), I've found this to be a really great thread. Such a simple question, with such philosophical and thoughtful responses! Thanks for having the courage to start it.

This is a vital part of happiness/contentment. The way I've been thinking of it lately is "I am in control of my situation, *it* is not in control of me."

Working to make (and keep) that statement true helps me so much!! (Thanks Tec).