genuinegirly

My father is starting to drive my mother insane.

He's nearing retirement, not too old when it comes down to it. But these things keep happening and my mom is starting to freak out about it all. Trying to be there for her, but I'd love some advice.

As you read this, keep in mind what we're used to with my father. He is somewhat of an introvert, but typically kind and easy-going. Soft-spoken. Bit of a work-aholic. Former mechanic and car-lover.

Some examples of changes:

Driving skills are definitely less than they used to be. Swerves periodically, but worse than that last night he stopped at a green light on a busy road. There was a red light for the turn lane. He wasn't turning.

Grandkids come over and make a little noise for a couple of hours. He gets incredibly flustered and yells at the top of his lungs at my mom every time he wants to say anything. Ignores the kids. Does not interact.

Sunday he left for a business trip. And forgot his luggage. Mom tried to rush it to him before his plane left, she couldn't make it due to traffic. He yelled at her for distracting him and making him forget it, no thank you for trying to get it to him.

He changed jobs, currently self-employed. He does some business consulting, but doesn't schedule much work. He is bringing in about $250/month (as compared with $100 grand/year before.)


Advice, Experiences, or support groups that you know of to help my mom and I cope, etc. would be much appreciated!

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Elphaba

GG, it would be helpful for me to know how old your father is. You describe him exactly as I would have my own father several years ago. Does your father have a hearing problem or using hearing aids?

I have experienced the need to support my mother during all the health changes my father went through. If I can offer any help through my own experience, you are at my beck and call. Hang in there, GG. It's tough, but what you offer is out of love.

snowy

Sounds like a hearing problem. My dad, after years of loud gymnasiums (he works in school admin) has very impaired hearing when there is background noise. That "little noise" the kids are making is a lot of noise for your dad--it's most likely wiping out the things he wants to hear. My dad gets very frustrated when he is in large groups and more than 1 person is talking at a time. I imagine your dad feels much the same if his hearing is the issue.

As for the forgetfulness issues--he's probably beating himself up over the fact that he's getting older. It's likely that other factors in his life are reminding him daily that he is getting long in the tooth. I know when my father (who is a spry 58) is reminded of his real age, he gets a little prickly.

Hope that helped at least a little.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

maleficent

When was the last time that he went to a doctor for a checkup?

Some of the stuff you mention isn't worrisome unless it's a change in behavior (I'm not sure it's written in stone that grandparents have to dote on the rugrats...

My father is 73 and is in better health and more 'spry' than when he was in his 50s and 60s. He tried the retirement thing for about 2 years and thought it was making him old. He didn't like the old people who were retired -- all they did was complain about their health problems and talk about the grandchildren. He went back to work andnow insists he'll be taken out in a box... he's not retiring again.

Our society tends to put older people on a shelf and expects them to live out their years in arocking chair watching life, when they actually want to participate. Your father sounds like he needs something to really get him motivated...

BUT he also sounds like he needs a checkup... that driving thing is the biggest concern. The forgetting luggage - I've done... It happens...

__________________

Cimarron29414

Sounds like a "Life Crisis" to me. My father retired early and had the run of the house for ten years. When my mom was set to retire, my dad started freaking out - really self-destructive behavior. My mom was a control freak and had already created a "To-Do" list that was a mile long. My dad took it as his 10 year vacation being over. Through some intense compromise, my mom learned to relax and take those projects one at a time. My dad learned that he was going to have to contribute more than playing Mah Jong on the computer all day.

You could encourage your father to pick up a new hobby. Surely there is something he has always wanted to do, but never had the time. This will "show" him there is life after this change. My father took up guitar and bird watching. My mom retired and immediately joined the Red Hat Ladies and started her own business making "Father Christmas"es.

Over time, your father will come to realize that this change in life isn't so bad. He is probably really conservative (read: resistant to change) and just needs time to figure out that life is really just beginning.

Also, I would imagine that your father might have a hearing problem. Some of the things you are listing are key indicators. I would get his hearing tested. People become really defensive when they have trouble hearing/seeing.

You and your mother getting prescriptions for Zoloft won't hurt either.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

genuinegirly

You have all been very helpful with your advice. I'll speak to my mom about scheduling him a hearing exam. He gets regular checkups, and it might not be a big deal to sneak one of those in. Cimarron, I'm interested in learning how you see Zoloft helping mom and I. Elphaba, my dad is just hitting 61 years.

Thanks!

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Rodney

Not to be the dark messenger.... but if you feel that his basic behavior is changing, it's worth having his doctor check for signs of dementia, even as early as 61. It could be something progressive, or he might have had a "silent stroke" that has affected him mentally, emotionally, or both.

See if you can talk to the doc and have him work that into the exam. Mention changes of behavior, forgetfulness, increasing irritability.

Cimarron29414

Sorry, my comment was intended to be tongue-in-cheek. I edited and added the obviously, necessary . However, I will share a serious story with you. When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and entered the final stages, my wife went to live with her so hospice would come in. On her way to her mothers (different state), she picked up a prescription for Zoloft. In this case, she was using it as an anti-depressant and mood stabilizer. While dealing with a crippled, dying, and extremely unpleasant mother, my wife kept a level head and rarely reacted to the verbal abuse. The fact that my wife could maintain her composure, even when my MIL wanted to fight, made the experience less miserable. She could not have maintained her sanity without Zoloft. Since then, she has weened herself off the drug.

So, while I was ~mostly~ kidding about the prescription, it is a drug that can assist people during emotional transitions. Like Iraq, you have to have an exit strategy before you start, though!

P.S. Paxal is evil. Don't allow your doctor to prescribe it for you. If you start taking it, you will NEVER get off it.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

analog

Observe the direct changes in behavior like consistent change in overall mood, shortness of temper (if it wasn't short before), lack of social interaction (if he was social before), memory loss (even forgetting mundane things can mean something if he used to have a mind like a steel trap), and then take that information to his doctor- without him. You and your mother should schedule an appointment to discuss the changes you're seeing. Most doctors will take your concerns and work with you for a resolution. Maybe he's just getting grumpy like anyone could at any age, maybe he's just a little depressed, or maybe it's something more. We always want to hope it's something simple, but the earlier you catch things, the easier it usually is.

Working in a pharmacy, I see all kinds of people with parents or grandparents who are going through all sorts of problems- problems that the children or grandchildren don't care enough about, and just get frustrated that dad or grand-dad can't remember their name anymore. You're someone who cares, and that's good.

The doctor may take your concerns and ask that you return with your father, in the interest of your father's care, so that you can all talk about it together rather than without him. That is also normal. Regardless, keep your chin up, and be proud of your father for raising a good kid who cares about her dad enough to care for him as long as he needs it.