Doubts - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

djlakes · 07-26-2005, 09:27 AM

Hey everyone,

Ok, I'm sure there are a million different posts like this, but, well, I'll be the first to admit I'm too damn lazy to go looking for them. With that said, let's get on with the question...

For those of you either married or engaged, was there ever a time when you had serious doubts if the relationship (pre-marriage/engagement) was going to last (esp. in the first year or so)?

Now I know that the best you all can do is offer advice, and it is ultimately up to me to decide what is right, and it'd certainly still be a few years off...but I'd like to think/know that I'm not the only one in this wonky boat...

Thanks in advance for any help

Daniel

P.S. I figured this belonged here, as it isn't exactly relating to a question of a sexual nature, and there seem to be similar style questions in here already. If not, feel free to let me know/move it, I won't be offended.

Gilda · 07-27-2005, 06:06 PM

Of course there were times when I had doubts whether or not my relationship with Grace would last, especially during that first year. I'd had three different relationships that lasted longer than six months only to come to a rather messy end.

The early part of the relationship is for exploring your partner, trying them on for size to see how they fit your personality, your lifestyle, your hopes and fears and desires. That's what that first year or so is about, and you shouldn't be getting married or engaged until you get past that doubting/exploration phase.

la petite moi · 07-27-2005, 07:21 PM

Yes, definitely. His family is SO religious and so irritating and hypocritical that I almost couldn't handle it. Of course, when I mentioned that I was about to break up with nwlinkvxd due to their extreme religion to his sister, she said I was doing a noble thing if I did break up with him. I still harbour a lot of resent.

Also, we spent about 75% of our relationship in a LDR- there were several times we almost cracked.

But now we're engaged and live together, and it's wonderful.

rival · 07-27-2005, 09:19 PM

Doubts? Of course. I've actually failed at getting over my doubts about several women in the past few years. (In fact, I'm failing that subject as we speak.) I think the important thing is to take a step back and look at the situation. Don't brush your fears or problems aside in the hope that further commitment will help your problems go away.

tiltedbc · 07-27-2005, 09:20 PM

I had serious doubts about a woman I lived with for 3 months (but had been going out with for 6 months before that). When it came time to decide "where this realtionship is going" I decided to leave. One of the best choices I've ever made in my life.

Not that I didn't like her. We had a lot of fun. I just didn't feel that love for her after the lust had worn off. It wouldn't have worked out because we didn't work well together, or at least I thought so. She wanted a house and husband. That's not what I wanted and I admitted it.

Sage · 07-28-2005, 10:40 AM

I'm going with tiltedbc on this one- you really have to just take a step back and think about where you want to be, and then see if it matches up with where your SO wants to be. Marriage is HARD- you have to commuincate about EVERYTHING, and sometimes you get scared. About two weeks ago Martel and I had a fight (after a long string of fights, which is really unusual for us) and I was on the couch facing him and I swear, I was scared to death it was over. But you know what he said to me? He said "I'm never going to tell you to go away, no matter what happens." That's the attitude you HAVE to have in your relationship- you love them, they love you, and you're comitted to making it Work Out. So, take a breather- take a weekend for yourself, to be by yourself, turn off the cell phone, take some "me" time. Think long and hard about how you feel, then don't think about anything for a while- the Universe takes care of Her own, and the answer will come to you, if you let it!

djlakes · 07-30-2005, 10:18 PM

I'd just like to thank everyone for the help and advice they've given. After reading all the comments, and a little thinking of my own, I think it is ultimately going to be a matter of my deciding where I'm headed in life (major, and soon thereafter career/location) before I can make any major assessments of where "we" are headed.

I guess that doubt/questioning is just a feeling I'm going to have to live with until after I've picked a major and stuck with it for a while...

Again, thanks for the help!

07-26-2005, 09:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
djlakes Upright	Doubts Hey everyone, Ok, I'm sure there are a million different posts like this, but, well, I'll be the first to admit I'm too damn lazy to go looking for them. With that said, let's get on with the question... For those of you either married or engaged, was there ever a time when you had serious doubts if the relationship (pre-marriage/engagement) was going to last (esp. in the first year or so)? Now I know that the best you all can do is offer advice, and it is ultimately up to me to decide what is right, and it'd certainly still be a few years off...but I'd like to think/know that I'm not the only one in this wonky boat... Thanks in advance for any help Daniel P.S. I figured this belonged here, as it isn't exactly relating to a question of a sexual nature, and there seem to be similar style questions in here already. If not, feel free to let me know/move it, I won't be offended. Last edited by djlakes; 07-26-2005 at 09:30 AM..

07-27-2005, 06:06 PM	#2 (permalink)
Gilda 32 flavors and then some Location: Out on a wire.	Of course there were times when I had doubts whether or not my relationship with Grace would last, especially during that first year. I'd had three different relationships that lasted longer than six months only to come to a rather messy end. The early part of the relationship is for exploring your partner, trying them on for size to see how they fit your personality, your lifestyle, your hopes and fears and desires. That's what that first year or so is about, and you shouldn't be getting married or engaged until you get past that doubting/exploration phase. __________________ I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that. ~Steven Colbert

07-28-2005, 10:40 AM	#6 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	I'm going with tiltedbc on this one- you really have to just take a step back and think about where you want to be, and then see if it matches up with where your SO wants to be. Marriage is HARD- you have to commuincate about EVERYTHING, and sometimes you get scared. About two weeks ago Martel and I had a fight (after a long string of fights, which is really unusual for us) and I was on the couch facing him and I swear, I was scared to death it was over. But you know what he said to me? He said "I'm never going to tell you to go away, no matter what happens." That's the attitude you HAVE to have in your relationship- you love them, they love you, and you're comitted to making it Work Out. So, take a breather- take a weekend for yourself, to be by yourself, turn off the cell phone, take some "me" time. Think long and hard about how you feel, then don't think about anything for a while- the Universe takes care of Her own, and the answer will come to you, if you let it! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

07-27-2005, 07:21 PM	#3 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Yes, definitely. His family is SO religious and so irritating and hypocritical that I almost couldn't handle it. Of course, when I mentioned that I was about to break up with nwlinkvxd due to their extreme religion to his sister, she said I was doing a noble thing if I did break up with him. I still harbour a lot of resent. Also, we spent about 75% of our relationship in a LDR- there were several times we almost cracked. But now we're engaged and live together, and it's wonderful.

07-27-2005, 09:19 PM	#4 (permalink)
rival Crazy Location: Pittsburgh, Pa	Doubts? Of course. I've actually failed at getting over my doubts about several women in the past few years. (In fact, I'm failing that subject as we speak.) I think the important thing is to take a step back and look at the situation. Don't brush your fears or problems aside in the hope that further commitment will help your problems go away.

07-27-2005, 09:20 PM	#5 (permalink)
tiltedbc Crazy Location: BC, Canada	I had serious doubts about a woman I lived with for 3 months (but had been going out with for 6 months before that). When it came time to decide "where this realtionship is going" I decided to leave. One of the best choices I've ever made in my life. Not that I didn't like her. We had a lot of fun. I just didn't feel that love for her after the lust had worn off. It wouldn't have worked out because we didn't work well together, or at least I thought so. She wanted a house and husband. That's not what I wanted and I admitted it.

07-30-2005, 10:18 PM	#7 (permalink)
djlakes Upright	I'd just like to thank everyone for the help and advice they've given. After reading all the comments, and a little thinking of my own, I think it is ultimately going to be a matter of my deciding where I'm headed in life (major, and soon thereafter career/location) before I can make any major assessments of where "we" are headed. I guess that doubt/questioning is just a feeling I'm going to have to live with until after I've picked a major and stuck with it for a while... Again, thanks for the help!