BigBen

Seriously.

You know when you get that feeling?

I'm getting that feeling.

No, I don't have any evidence, or this thread would be called "I know my wife is cheating on me".

Her attitude, clothing, other stuff has changed.

She has a new 'Friend' and when I ask what she did that day (Normal husband and wife stuff, I am SO not possessive) she says 'Nothing' or 'Not Much' and then I find out that she was hanging with this guy.

She gets all offended, and puts me on the defensive.

Is anyone else going through this? Have any gone through this in the past? Were your feelings confirmed or refuted?

Finally, I don't know where to put this, so I put it here, in Living. It isn't a sexual thing, it's more of a relationship thing.

Comments?

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3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

la petite moi

If you found out it was with a guy, ask why she didn't tell you about your new friend in the first place. I'm sorry, but a husband and wife don't hide things from each other.

Coppertop

I hate to say it but she probably is cheating, or at least considering it. Especially if she has been buying nice clothes or just dressing nicer, especially when she is out and about without you there.

Have you asked her about it? Do you communicate well with her? If she hasn't actually done anything yet, there may still be a chance to save your marriage.

Best of luck.

cierah

Shit, Ben. I have no advice or anything but ... I'm sorry.

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"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J. Lec

BigBen

Okay copper, you are probably right with the whole "considering it" thing.

No, I haven't confronted her, since I pride myself on giving her my complete trust. Haha, how funny did that just sound? I say that, and post this thread at the same time.

Now that you mention it.... I really think it is at the "Seriously considering it and would totally do it if my new friend asked me to" stage.

Fuck I feel like hitting something. I'm a non-violent person, BTW.

We have such a good relationship that this new spin on things has got my spidey-sense tingling. I appreciate your input.

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3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

jhkayakr

Had a girlfriend do that to me many years ago. Kicked her ass out quick as I could. She'e still single and unhappy. A wife must be really tough though. Good luck man.

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........gotta need for speed....

KMA-628

I feel your pain man, I am going through pretty much the same exact thing right now.

First, she asks for a divorce citing all the usual reasons.

Then, I find out there is a guy on the side that she met playing online games.

The math was too close, it was going on when we were together, hence the divorce request.

She lied about everything until I showed her all of the evidence--then it became "none of my business".

Yep, I have a pretty good idea of the range of emotions you are going through. I'd hit the wall, but it won't do any good. It's hard when you don't have an outlet for the feelings/emotions/anger/etc.

Do you have any kids? They are the ones I worry most about.

Edit: The clencher for me was the lying. If there is nothing going on, she wouldn't lie about it.

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Before you criticize someone, you need to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry at you.......you're a mile away.......and they're barefoot.

f6twister

Similar situation happened to me with my last girlfriend. She suddenly started hanging out with a guy for "school projects" but wouldn't tell me who he was. Then she started checking her answering machine only while I was in another room. Finally she stopped wanting anything to do with me physically. I finally confronted her and she admitted that she was dumping me for this guy. When asked why she just didn't tell me, she said she didn't know.

If she is being evasive with her answers, I think you need to confront her on the issue and find out what is really going on. If she still insists that it is nothing, let her know that you are not comfortable with her friendship and request that it end. My personal feeling is that if she truly values her marriage to you, she will be willing to drop this guy since it is causing a problem in your relationship. This is not to say that she should never be able to have her own friends, including males.

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A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

guthmund

For me, 9 times out of 10 my gut instinct is always right.

I'm sorry to hear it, but if the situation is enough to get your "spidey-sense" tingling then you're probably right.

Copper is probably right in mentioning that she's just considering it, which is why she's awfully quiet about what she's doing and defensive when you ask about it.

Either way, a conversation is in order and I don't envy you that task, BigBen. I would just talk to her about it. No accusing, no arguing, just a good, honest sit down with the wife to clear the air to find out what the hell is going on.

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No signature. None. Seriously.

KMA-628

I don't know if I see a difference between "considering it" (to the extent she is "considering", i.e. hanging out with him and lying about it) and actually cheating--they both pretty much hold the same weight for me.

I don't think she is considering it, I think, based on what Ben said, she is guilty already.

The lying is one obvious sign and the defensiveness means there is something to hide.

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Before you criticize someone, you need to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry at you.......you're a mile away.......and they're barefoot.

tecoyah

Talk to her.....find out the truth....Act.

or

Judge her....speculate on the worst.....and Hit a wall



At least with the first.....it will feel good if you indeed need to hit the Wall

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Elphaba

BigBen, you might try beginning the conversation with your own feelings, such as "I feel uncomfortable about... or I sense that there is tension about..." and ask to clear the air with her in a nonconfronting way. You deserve the truth and should expect honesty on her part. Why not ask each other if your marriage is well, or has something caused a drift in direction?

If she is perfectly honest about any complaint she has about the marriage, the two of you can choose to work on it. I truly hope that you have caught this at the "thinking about it" stage and that the two of you are willing to make adjustments and recommit to each other.

Pollyanna

BigBen

Talked tonight

still crying

no kids

yes, she's cheating

talk to you guys later. Tomorrow morning

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3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

KMA-628

dude, i feel for you, i really do.

__________________
Before you criticize someone, you need to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry at you.......you're a mile away.......and they're barefoot.

amonkie

We're here for ya Big Ben, glad you talked, though it really sucks it's turning out this way.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Irishsean

Run away man. She cheated on you, get the divorce, take everything. Leave her penniless and barefoot. Thats the worst possible thing to do to someone is to betray their trust. She isn't worth trying to work it out. Anyone that can use you like that is a piece of garbage.

PS. My advice might be a little over the edge. Bad experiences cloud my vision.

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There are no absolute rules of conduct, either in peace or war. Everything depends on circumstances.
Leon Trotsky

guthmund

I'm really, really sorry that it turned out the way it did.

You don't know me from Adam, but...good thoughts to you from the house of guthmund

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No signature. None. Seriously.

tecoyah

Glad you talked.......we are here if you need to talk more.



Good Luck.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

ryborg

Good luck Ben. I can only imagine what you are going through, but you have my best wishes.

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Solve two problems at once. Feed the homeless to the hungry.

F-18_Driver

Talk to a trusted friend and do what he says. I've had plenty of friends go through this type of thing, and emotions run so high you're practically incapable of making a rational decision.

I've even seen people ignore the advice of a lawyer they're paying.

Speaking of lawyers, it's time for one. Now. Yesterday, actually.

Please don't try to do without one. Unless you're dead broke already, you'll wind up that way unless you get a lawyer. Don't even think about using your wife's to "save money."

It's also time to lean on friends and hang tough. In almost all instances I've seen, the lies told about the other party during a divorce are breathtaking. Maybe you'll be lucky, but most aren't, and it's a real kick in the nuts to hear that it's all your fault that she cheated. So try to avoid going to court if there's any way to work things out. Also, watch out for attorneys that keep stirring things up to increase their fee.

Wish I could be more uplifting. You'll get through it, and you'll be happy again, but not for at least six months, It's also likely that one day you'll have another wife, and be very glad this happened.

That's my take on it, anyway. Good luck.

mokle

Sorry to hear she cheated, Ben. I hope the divorce is quick and painless.

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Mokle
"Your hands can't hit what your eyes can't see" -Ali

ShaniFaye

So sorry to hear that Ben, whatever way the road takes you two, we're here for you if you need a friend

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Shauk

well, this is one of those situations where you just wish you had been wrong. :\

I'm new, but I'm sorry. I've been with my gf for over 3 years. I don't know in the slightest how I'd react to this.

There is a source of strength for you to get through this right here. TF will take care of you. I know they will.

raeanna74

Hugs - Sorry to hear it.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Master_Shake

Protect your economic interests.

1. Eliminate all joint accounts in credit cards, checking accounts, etc.

2. Put a hold on your credit file to prevent new accounts being formed.

3. Quit your job and take one that pays significantly less now to prevent having to pay alimony or child support based on your current wages.

4. Retitle your vehicles, property and mortgage into your name alone.

None of these are infalliable methods of protection, but they will make the job of your wife's lawyer more difficult.

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You know something, I don't think the sun even... exists... in this place. 'Cause I've been up for hours, and hours, and hours, and the night never ends here.

Meditrina

Ben, I am so sorry you are going through this. It must have been very hard for you to confront her. I have those same feelings about my dh, and I have yet to confront him. I hope things can go as smoothly as they can for you. I know we don't know each other at all, but I offer you my hugs and prayers.

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"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

Janey

...... oh my....

i'm sad, speechless. if you need any words or an ear.. i'm here

la petite moi

I hope things work out, Ben. In the meantime, I would recommend doing what Master_Shake said to do. If she can't respect you, you shouldn't have to respect her.

Good luck, in the meantime, and try to keep your head up, buddy.

ShaniFaye

I would just like to add...should you decide to go thru a divorce...if your state is like mine changing any of this information should be done BEFORE you file. When you file the papers in the state of GA you HAVE to sign a paper stating that until the final decree is given you will make no such changes. Also in our state the only way to get someones name off a mortgage is to refinance the loan, you cant just have them taken off.

you have no kids so child support wont be an issue...does she work? If so then chances of her getting alimony are really slim.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

f6twister

Yes, cheating sucks. I ruins your trust and it violates the vows you took. But.....before you jump into the lawyers and divorce, please talk with her and see if counseling will help (if you want to go that route). Even if my wife cheated on me, I can't say that I would be on the phone to my lawyer right away.

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A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

ophelia783

Ben, I'm so sorry...
Cheating happens for a variety of reasons, but because of the ones you listed when you just thought she might be, it makes me kinda think that this guy was giving her something emotionally that she thought she couldn't/wasn't/didn't get from you, whether that's true or not.

I hope things work out for you, no matter how that happens. No one deserves to be cheated on, and I just hope that you can heal so as not to have a lack of being able to trust again later on.

Good luck, man.

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~*~* He with a sharp tongue slits his own throat *~*~

BigBen

Okay, sorry about not posting sooner, but as I walk through this in my head, I lose track of time. Just imagine, I had to go to work this morning and put on a happy face…

We had a good talk, and the subject came around to our relationship and how we were doing as a couple. I commented that the past little while there have been noticeable changes, and that I was concerned with the way she has been acting.

She just started a new job, and the people there were “Really friendly” so she said. No Big Deal, I said. I was glad that she was enjoying her new job, so I didn’t get nervous when she started hanging out with her new co-workers more and more.

Then I found out that a lot of the new co-workers she was hanging out with were male. Then she started making references about this one particular guy, over and over. I started to frown when his name was mentioned, but kept my mouth shut. Not one conversation was had that his name was not brought up… “Well, _____ said this, _______ is so funny, _______ had a bad day at work today and I felt sorry for him…” You get the idea.

Again, I am a very trusting guy. She earned my trust over a long time. I phoned her cell yesterday (was it just yesterday? It seems so long ago) and asked her if she had time for lunch. She sounded like she was in the car driving. The car was in the shop.

“What ya doing?” I said casually, thinking that she picked the car up early.
“I’m having lunch with ______.” She said with a very weird voice.

Then I posted this thread. Then I looked at what I had written and realized that I had been in denial all along, and I needed to wake the fuck up and do something.

Couple of replies said “Talk to her” which is pretty obvious (thanks for saying it anyway) and so I decided to bring up the subject.

She said we have drifted apart over the past 6 months.
We have nothing in common.
She feels alone, even when I am in the same room (ouch)
She needs someone to talk to that can understand what she is going through in her job, and only a co-worker can understand.

Well, I laid it on the line and said, “Are you sleeping with _____?”

She didn’t say a word.
She didn’t have to.

Well, she got up to go to work this morning very early, and I didn’t hear her go. I usually do. I am empty folks. I don’t even want to think about lawyers, or divorces, or anything like that. That will come eventually. I can’t stay married to someone who did that to me.

I need to find a place to live.
I need to sort out my finances (since everything is joint accounts, joint bills, everything)
I need to pack
I need to sort out who owns what, as far as furniture goes
I need to explain to friends, family what is going on
I need to relax and breathe and not worry about all this stuff at once.

We have a spare room, which I will be using until I can figure shit out. That might take a while.

Well, thanks for taking the time to listen. I think about the number of people that are reading this, and the amount of combined time that you guys are thinking about me and showing your support for me by the PM’s, and it lifts my spirits…

If 40 people gave 6 minutes reading this, then I have received 4 hours (math? Did I do the math right on that one?) of someone’s time thinking about nothing but me. I am not a needy person, but that feels good.

I’ve only been on here since January, and have come to love it here. Thanks you guys.

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3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

maleficent

You don't need to do anything right now except take care of yourself... Everything else can wait... Unfortunately, it will still be there the day after tomorrow.

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Lunatic

Hey ben sorry to hear what happenned, My uncle went throught he same thing and now he is married to another woman and he loves her very much and they have a 1yr old baby girl. I was thinking that when the time comes for you to move out, maybe you can get in touch with somebody that lives in canada just like you and help you find a nice apartment to live, if you dont have any luck finding one.

Shauk

wow..... so wow...

This is one of those tragic things that I hope I never suffer.

Not to insult your soon to be ex-wife... But what kind of person takes that kind of action without at least discussing her marital issues with you? Seems to me that no matter what she says, its still a sad excuse for her actions. You have nothing to worry about, if anything I would say get a P.I. or something equally ridiculous (the whole situation is ridiculous isn't it?) and get PROOF. You don't need to file for divorce only for it to become her word against yours. She is the one who breached the agreement of the marriage, so she gets nothing.

Thats all.

Again, I'm sorry, but knowing this kind of stuff happens is still a slap in the face.

Supple Cow

I am so sorry to hear about this. I hope you continue to talk to us through this tough time. We are definitely here for you.

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"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
(Michael Jordan)

Arroe

jesus christ what a bitch.


I'm sorry this happened to you. Good luck getting things sorted out.

Seanland

I can't say I have ever been in that situation but I'm sure its probably one the toughest things that a person can go through.. Take your time and remain calm, good things happen to good people.
Hope Everything gets better

I'm Sorry this happened, no one deserves to be put through this kinda shit

Elphaba

I *have* been through this before and it can be worked out if both of you want it to. It doesn't sound like either one of you trust each other enough at the moment to even consider a reconciliation. Allow each other some space and time is my best recommendation.

BTW: My hubby didn't think I was supportive anymore of his work; my best friend at work was far more supportive. If you can work through shit like that, you can work through just about anything.

Not exactly a Pollyanna...

dirtyrascal7

i'm very sorry to hear about your situation, ben... but don't give up hope.

it's good you have a list of things that need to be done, but it sounds like there are still a lot of things left to figure out... so just remember that sometimes having the right attitude is more important than having the right answers. :-)