frogza

I recently had a conversation that got me thinking. A friend of mine is very overweight, and her children are as well. She was telling me how hard it is to be made fun of because of your weight. I said that I agreed, that it is tough to be judged as incompetent or as a lesser person when you don’t fit the norm, especially when you are young. She became very angry with me, telling me that I couldn’t possibly understand how it is, and that I was patronizing her by saying I understood.

The reason for her outburst was because I am not overweight at all, in fact, up until quite recently, I have been very skinny. So I guess to some extent she is right, I don’t know what it’s like to be called fatty or porky or any of the other names she and her daughters have been called. As the skinniest in school I was called string-bean, beanpole and stick boy, I was generally chosen last for any sports, (even the fat kids were chosen before me) On several occasions I was chased home by groups of kids and beaten up if they caught me, simply because they assumed that as a skinny little kid I wouldn’t be able to hurt them back. I honestly don’t know how my experience weighs up against a girl being made fun for being fat; the scales may very well be even on this one.

Anyway, this whole situation got me thinking. Why do we as people think that our pain is somehow exclusive? I thought that my experience was somehow worse than other people’s experiences. My friend felt that hers was worse. I have been thinking about this for a few weeks and during that time I’ve noticed it time and time again with many people in many situations.

I’ve seen that this idea of exclusivity of pain is one of the blocks that keeps us as a society from getting along, we’re at odds over who has the right to the most attention and/or sympathy. I’ve been guilty of this for years, I probably still am. I think that the root causes are selfishness and our need to be accepted and be noticed.

It’s fairly easy to avoid this tendency when we’re comfortably sitting at our desks, but very tough when we’re in duress. So I ask, how do we beat this thing? How do we, as a society, begin to see that we are all in the same boat, at least when it comes to the fact that we all have problems?

cierah

Sometimes when you learn of others pain it makes your own pain seem trivial and unimportant but that does not make logical sense because each person has their own unique, hidden pain. Each person has there own type of pain that is untransferable/untranslatable to another. Each person's pain is uniquely their own.

Seanland

The problem is we probably will never begin to see "we are all in the same boat".. One Person's solution, is always another person's problem... say for example.. Your friend who was larger throughout school and was picked on, say that that person did lose wait, you think the kids would stop picking on larger people... Highly doubt it... It's one of those cycles in the world that keep it going..

ShaniFaye

I dont know about anybody else, but what usually gets me thru my pain is knowing that A. It could always be worse and B. Someone right then was going thru something far worse than I was. I've never been the kind of person to think my problems were worse than someone elses

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Strange Famous

I think nearly everybody has more pain in their lives than they can compute, and people are very rarely glad that many people are worse off than them - from my own experience.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

lurkette

We all like to think we're special and that our problems are unique. But like ShaniFaye I find some comfort in knowing that everyone's going through something.

Some people get perverse satisfaction out of being pitied and misunderstood. They're usually the ones who are most committed to their own misery.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Charlatan

People spend too much time internalizing... they don't generally speaking tend to look up and see what other people are experiencing and when they do it is to claim their problems are the worst...

I am clearly generalizing but I have met a lot of people who are like this. They always annoy me.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

meembo

There was an article in the New York Times today written by a doctor, in which he described what he thought most people wanted to see in a doctor. He said that his patients never wanted to hear about his own experiences with pain or medical maladies, no matter how similar they were to those of the patient. The point was the doctor determined that people just don't want to hear it, and that one of the "joys" of the doctor's office is that there is an unwaveringly sympathetic ear to one's troubles there. At the doctor's office, people generally complain of pain, and they have no desire or expectation to hear about anyone else's condition.

__________________
less I say, smarter I am

hambone

I think a lot of people are quick to say that you can't understand their unique pain because if you could, and you can deal with it, then that shows to them that they are somehow a lesser person than yourself. As long as the pain in unique to them in their minds, they can wallow in self pity as long as they want complaining that no one could possibly understand what they are going through.

I know we all experience pain slightly differently, but I do believe this is a common mindset among people.

__________________
"Like liquid white from fallen glass,
Nothing to cry over"

Carno

Yeah, I definitely agree.

I find that really irritating too. I am have been through some shit, as everybody has, and have fixed it, or gotten through it. When someone is unwilling to fix their problems, I lose all respect for them. Not only are they going down without a fight, but they are actually contributing to the vicious circle of self pity and misery.

Rodney

Some people are too quick to "top" anything that comes along; if you describe your pain, instead of listening they'll describe theirs and claim it's worse. I don't claim that's what's happening here, but it's common. What it means is that the listener isn't really paying attention to what the other person saying; he/she simply takes the advantage to turn the conversation to something much more iimportant: _his own pain._ Very self-centered.

I know that in recent years, the catch phrase for comforting people has morphed from "I know how hard this must be," to "I can't imagine what you must be going through." Both catchphrases are faulty as a standard response, because 1) sometimes you don't really know, and you might make quick assumptions that are wrong, and 2) sometimes you _do_ really know what's going on and how they're hurting, and their problems are transparent to you. The point is to be there for the person and assess what they're really saying before you tell them what you think of their problem.

Of course, there are whiney grownup children who do insist that you could never, never know their special pain, when in fact their problems are very common and mundane. You're always going to run into those.

Frankly, frogza, I'd say that there really was a lot of common ground between your situation as a skinny boy and your friend's as a fat woman. She just didn't understand it, and wasn't in a mood to hear about it. That's not your fault. But frankly, I have been the skinny kid who was bad at sports all through high school and outcase, and everybody assumed that I was an uncapable person of little ability -- even though i was carrying one of the highest GPAs in the school. When I carried half the academic awards at the senior bankquet, I heard some of my old tormentors in the crowd saying, Wow, I didn't know he was _smart._

So yeah, you do know. She may disbelieve you because you're past it now, and she can't see that she'll ever be. It shows credit that you're being introspective about this, but you're taking the blame for some of her own baggage.

Starlight4

I find that it actually helps when someone tells me that they can "understand" what I'm going through and I feel it more frustrating when they don't understand.

Like, for an overweight friend who gets made fun of, wouldn't she find some support in another overweight friend?? I've learned that the understanding process is some of the best support you can give someone, so I've actually not really experienced the situation where someone wants to "top" someone else's pain...

Rodney

Come to California! We've got acres of such people!

c172g

Pain? Everybody has some. Nobody has the monopoly on it. Some people are overweight, some are too skinny, some have amputated limbs or didn't form something right. Relatives die, hey nobody gets out of life alive.

That being said, nothing pisses me off more than hearing someone bark about their problems and do absolutely nothing to try and change them. I have a friend who always can top (as described above) any problem you are ever having. No matter what day of the week it is, something is worse for him than anybody else. From him I have learned to quit bitching and start doing something.

Six months ago I had lower back pain constantly. What to do? Lose the beer gut and about 25 pounds. Pain is now gone. Stop eating shit food, and have a salad (and not five plates of salad). Easy? Not at all, I quit smoking and food was my last bad habit. But I did it and took care of my problem, since no one else was going to.

I realize everyone doesn't have problems that can go away, but those that do drive me absolutely nuts. I know a girl who is easily 150 pounds overweight. She can't sit in a normal chair, has all sorts of pain all over her body, but (and this is no exaggeration) there is never a 10 minute span that she isn't eating something, mostly cheetos and candy bars. To eat constantly and bitch about having to buy an extra seat on a plane, not be able to sit in a regular chair? How about a diet?

You will notice one thing in life if you are observant - most people who are born with or have no way to change their problems are the strongest ones who bitch the least. Kids who have MD, those that lost their parents at a young age, birth defects that keep a kid in a wheelchair from day one. You will rarely hear them whine about what a shitty hand life dealt them.

The folks who got fired from their high paying job for smoking pot or maybe lost their family because they weren't smart enough to quit drinking are the ones who will cry the loudest about how unfair things are. Go figure.