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Rodney · 03-22-2005, 05:43 PM

Some people are too quick to "top" anything that comes along; if you describe your pain, instead of listening they'll describe theirs and claim it's worse. I don't claim that's what's happening here, but it's common. What it means is that the listener isn't really paying attention to what the other person saying; he/she simply takes the advantage to turn the conversation to something much more iimportant: _his own pain._ Very self-centered.

I know that in recent years, the catch phrase for comforting people has morphed from "I know how hard this must be," to "I can't imagine what you must be going through." Both catchphrases are faulty as a standard response, because 1) sometimes you don't really know, and you might make quick assumptions that are wrong, and 2) sometimes you _do_ really know what's going on and how they're hurting, and their problems are transparent to you. The point is to be there for the person and assess what they're really saying before you tell them what you think of their problem.

Of course, there are whiney grownup children who do insist that you could never, never know their special pain, when in fact their problems are very common and mundane. You're always going to run into those.

Frankly, frogza, I'd say that there really was a lot of common ground between your situation as a skinny boy and your friend's as a fat woman. She just didn't understand it, and wasn't in a mood to hear about it. That's not your fault. But frankly, I have been the skinny kid who was bad at sports all through high school and outcase, and everybody assumed that I was an uncapable person of little ability -- even though i was carrying one of the highest GPAs in the school. When I carried half the academic awards at the senior bankquet, I heard some of my old tormentors in the crowd saying, Wow, I didn't know he was _smart._

So yeah, you do know. She may disbelieve you because you're past it now, and she can't see that she'll ever be. It shows credit that you're being introspective about this, but you're taking the blame for some of her own baggage.

03-22-2005, 05:43 PM	#11 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	Some people are too quick to "top" anything that comes along; if you describe your pain, instead of listening they'll describe theirs and claim it's worse. I don't claim that's what's happening here, but it's common. What it means is that the listener isn't really paying attention to what the other person saying; he/she simply takes the advantage to turn the conversation to something much more iimportant: _his own pain._ Very self-centered. I know that in recent years, the catch phrase for comforting people has morphed from "I know how hard this must be," to "I can't imagine what you must be going through." Both catchphrases are faulty as a standard response, because 1) sometimes you don't really know, and you might make quick assumptions that are wrong, and 2) sometimes you _do_ really know what's going on and how they're hurting, and their problems are transparent to you. The point is to be there for the person and assess what they're really saying before you tell them what you think of their problem. Of course, there are whiney grownup children who do insist that you could never, never know their special pain, when in fact their problems are very common and mundane. You're always going to run into those. Frankly, frogza, I'd say that there really was a lot of common ground between your situation as a skinny boy and your friend's as a fat woman. She just didn't understand it, and wasn't in a mood to hear about it. That's not your fault. But frankly, I have been the skinny kid who was bad at sports all through high school and outcase, and everybody assumed that I was an uncapable person of little ability -- even though i was carrying one of the highest GPAs in the school. When I carried half the academic awards at the senior bankquet, I heard some of my old tormentors in the crowd saying, Wow, I didn't know he was _smart._ So yeah, you do know. She may disbelieve you because you're past it now, and she can't see that she'll ever be. It shows credit that you're being introspective about this, but you're taking the blame for some of her own baggage.