2 Ex-friends Plea...

[Seeker]

I need some help with this issue. It is in regards to two friends that I have 'moved away from'. One female and one male. I will try to give you a little background to understand my position.

Female: We were friends for around 5 years. Over the last twelve months she left an abusive marriage. She found her own place, her kids were happy, and our friendship grew and I watched with a warm heart as she began to find her happiness and freedom in the world. I was really pleased for her.

Male: We were great friends for around 2 years. Was in an 'open marriage', and while I was seperated from my SO we 'hooked up', the rule was 'no complications'. I had my own issues and he was happy with the arrangement. I went on holiday and when I returned he had split with his wife & family and expected that because we were getting on so well, we should live together. I said no. Twelve months of indirect pressure and endeavoured manipulation - I didn't give in so he left in a huff. Couldn't be my friend.

This is where it gets messy for me. He started communicating with my female friend and amazingly two weeks later I get a call and they are together and he is happy and wants to maintain the friendship for all of us. I say I am happy for them (I am when I look at their individual circumstances and I can see the why and the how) but I prefer not to have anything further to do with them.

My reasoning:
His friendship was conditional - it was only based on what he ultimately wanted. Because of this I see him differently and do not have the same amount of respect for him. Why continue with the friendship?
Her friendship was good - but given that she could not discuss this with me, and her constant judgement about other areas of my life, I decide that I don't want to put in the extra work to maintain this new aspect.

Now, he keeps contacting me wanting to pick up our great friendship, last night I got a message from him wanting to 'catch up' and an email from her supporting his case and asking me to consider 'staying friends' with him. Nothing for her case, I was a great friend but she seems to accept that 'she has blown it'.

I have not shared my reasoning with either of them, I don't hold any resentment, I just don't want to continue the friendship based on this new situation. They both judged me, analysed me, and justified their situation by these assumptions. I don't see any reason to prove otherwise, what for?

Yes, my initial 'fall from grace hurt', and I was disappointed that she made her decision based on her thought that she would lose my friendship. But what could he possibly want from me now? Apparently she is giving him everything I wouldn't give, so what is this all about?

My first reaction is to tell them both 'no thanks', but I thought I could throw this at you all to see what you think. Given my heart pounds when I read her email I still feel that I'm reacting to emotion. I really don't know what I'm meant to be thinking or feeling.

Any help or perspective from an outside source would really be appreciated.

[MsNobody]

I'm sorry, if this happened to me I would be so pissed off. I think you're grasping for straws, so to speak, when you give your reason's for not continuing the friendship. First, a friend should never date another friend's anything,not if you are good friends, it's disrespectful if she does.
It's not the "norm" for people who have had any kind of relationship,to remain friends, when the relationship ends. I know it happens, but more don't, than do. I find it interesting that he would want to continue the friendship, but then his "open marriage" says alot. He probably is going to have an "open relationship", kinda what the two of you had, except she let him move in, and he wants to keep all options available. If that's you thing...then I say yeah!
If I was you, I would have them over and tell them exactly how you feel, it's a really funny thing about people, that I have discovered - they can usually handle the truth. Just tell them how you feel, and just like the old saying goes, "the truth shall set you free".

[Lead543]

It sounds to me from your post that you already realise what you need to do. Explain to them why and avoid emails, messages, etc at all costs. It's tempting I know, but you'll save yourself a lot of emotional agony if you simply delete without reading or listening.

[lindseylatch]

You obviously can't make yourself be friends with someone. There's nothing wrong with reacting emotionally, since friendship is a very emotional thing. I agree with lead, that you should explain your reasoning once, calmly as possible, and then break your ties.

I've had to break ties with a friend because I finally realized that we were in totally different places, and that she was starting a downward spiral that I couldn't help her with.

I think you've decided that you don't want to be friends, and now you just feel a little guilty? Well, let them find other "friends." They don't need you, and it sounds like you don't need them. So drop 'em like a hot potato!

[Offkilter]

Trust your gut feelings, they're usually correct if you know people well enough.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by Offkilter

I’m sure I’ve probably left some parts out and if she ever read this she would openly refute some of the stuff that I’ve written to suit her herself as it doesn’t suit the persona she likes to project.

Interesting judgement Offkilter... I'm probably just a little too tuned into people making assumptions about others.

But as for your last sentence along with the previous posts (lindseylatch, Lead & MsNobody)... I'm inclined to agree, let sleeping dogs lie as I have already moved on.

Thanks all..

[tecoyah]

Seeker:

If indeed you feel this set of relationships has played itself out, and all you needed from it is already in your mind.....get the fuck out. They will likely fall out within a few years(months) and you will be the one to pick sides, as they will force it on you. There is a time when setting yourself up to "learn through hardship" has limits to its usefullness.

Just my 11 cents

[Cynthetiq]

friendships aren't conditional, nor should the be decided up upon by others as to how the future of your friendships should play out.

Onward and upwards.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by tecoyah

There is a time when setting yourself up to "learn through hardship" has limits to its usefullness.

I think you've pegged it here! Thank you.

Onwards and upwards indeed

[Johnny Rotten]

This guy sounds fundamentally selfish to me, Seeker, and the girl overly critical. Maybe they were made for each other Sounds like they need you more than you need them, perhaps as a way for them to validate their relationship. Whether their relationship is "proper" or not is not for me to judge, of course--but I don't think they should make that your problem either.

[Amnesia620]

Originally Posted by Seeker

I need some help with this issue. It is in regards to two friends that I have 'moved away from'. One female and one male. I will try to give you a little background to understand my position.

Female: We were friends for around 5 years. Over the last twelve months she left an abusive marriage. She found her own place, her kids were happy, and our friendship grew and I watched with a warm heart as she began to find her happiness and freedom in the world. I was really pleased for her.

Male: We were great friends for around 2 years. Was in an 'open marriage', and while I was seperated from my SO we 'hooked up', the rule was 'no complications'. I had my own issues and he was happy with the arrangement. I went on holiday and when I returned he had split with his wife & family and expected that because we were getting on so well, we should live together. I said no. Twelve months of indirect pressure and endeavoured manipulation - I didn't give in so he left in a huff. Couldn't be my friend.

This is where it gets messy for me. He started communicating with my female friend and amazingly two weeks later I get a call and they are together and he is happy and wants to maintain the friendship for all of us. I say I am happy for them (I am when I look at their individual circumstances and I can see the why and the how) but I prefer not to have anything further to do with them.

My reasoning:
His friendship was conditional - it was only based on what he ultimately wanted. Because of this I see him differently and do not have the same amount of respect for him. Why continue with the friendship?
Her friendship was good - but given that she could not discuss this with me, and her constant judgement about other areas of my life, I decide that I don't want to put in the extra work to maintain this new aspect.

Now, he keeps contacting me wanting to pick up our great friendship, last night I got a message from him wanting to 'catch up' and an email from her supporting his case and asking me to consider 'staying friends' with him. Nothing for her case, I was a great friend but she seems to accept that 'she has blown it'.

I have not shared my reasoning with either of them, I don't hold any resentment, I just don't want to continue the friendship based on this new situation. They both judged me, analysed me, and justified their situation by these assumptions. I don't see any reason to prove otherwise, what for?

Yes, my initial 'fall from grace hurt', and I was disappointed that she made her decision based on her thought that she would lose my friendship. But what could he possibly want from me now? Apparently she is giving him everything I wouldn't give, so what is this all about?

My first reaction is to tell them both 'no thanks', but I thought I could throw this at you all to see what you think. Given my heart pounds when I read her email I still feel that I'm reacting to emotion. I really don't know what I'm meant to be thinking or feeling.

Any help or perspective from an outside source would really be appreciated.

Seeker -
First of all, let me commend you for all of the thought and contemplation you have put into this situation, and coming through it with a firm decision and a clear head. I admire your thoughtful contemplation and level-headed decision(s) you've come to as the solution.
Although some may view your decision to be one of avoidance, disregard, or even fear, I am not one that agrees with any of these. You have made your decision, I suggest and encourage you to stick by it. By what information you have shared in your original post, I will give you my reasons for supporting and encouraging you in your thoughts and decisions:

• The male person you speak of, by your description, seems to be a person who not only appears untrustworthy, but also lacks in the area of loyalty and honesty, as well as many other areas.
• The female seems to not be one, like the male, to be worthy of your trust or friendship. She appears to me as a person who lacks in several areas, such as honor, honesty, loyalty, discipline and conscience. However, she may accept her decision only because she is either distracted by this "new" relationship, or really does feel guilty for her decision. Therefore, she may not be able to find the words to apologize (unable to or unwilling) or really doesn't feel any remorse or regret so far in her choice.
• The male's true intentions may only be that of his selfish concerns (i.e. If it doesn't work out with Female A then he has Female B - you, or if not you, someone other than Female A - to fall back on. This is one sign of low self-esteem and/or insecurity.)
• You are clear and focused. You do not have to cater to either of them, and with that, you may/will prevent further emotional situations or "surprises" if you politely (still firmly) decline any further involvement with either of the two. This goes along with the old addage: "Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me."
• Summarily, you cannot trust either of them, and any further involvement with either of them may place you in any or all sort(s) of undesirable situation(s), such as: love triangle - although, unlikely - ruined reputation, manipulation, stuck in the middle of the "drama" they may create while they are together, etc.) Henceforth, I feel you will not be happy in any sense of the word if you further associate with them.

I apologize if any of my above reasons were redundant in meaning, or blatantly obvious/common sense. You are wise to walk away from the both of them. I commend you for having the confidence and strength to do so.
I am interested in hearing further on what your final decision is, your choice in how to handle it, and their actions/reactions to it. Either way, I wish you the best of luck from this point forward. I hope, in some way (large or small), I was able to help. Have a great day.

[Seeker]

JohnnyRotten and Amnesia620, thank you both for your support. I have not yet responded to the contact. I tend to take a while before I act, to ensure I'm giving all angles the respect I believe they deserve.

Ultimately this is all about my decision to 'move away' from this situation. I have trouble understanding why my decision to do so is not being respected. For myself, I do not believe that it is 'unhealthy' to do this. A shame, yes, but nothing ultimately detrimental to my soul. If it is all about choice, why do they feel they need to judge my decision and persue me, as if I am doing myself a great disservice? If anything, I feel their persistance is 'unhealthy'. I guess it's this aspect that make me different?

I realise that in some way, they care. It's not as if I don't, and I am happy for them, I would just appreciate it if they would just carry on with their lives and let me go. We obviously have different perspectives about life and friendships.

[hrandani]

Wow I was typing something up but it was directly mirroring Amnesia620, so .. nevermind! : D